A/N: I don't own anything. Well maybe the writing but the characters or songs. Nope not a one.
This story was inspired by a message board post.
Jeffersonian
"Dr. Brennan," Hodgins said. "These particulates are an exact match to the others victims. The craptastic thing is I haven't been able to identify the buggers."
"That brings the total up to thirty-five," Angela said.
"I don't understand how all of these people are getting sick," Booth said with his hands on his hips. "I mean where's the commonality? These people are from all over the place."
"Chocolate," Cam said as she walked over to the platform. "All of these victims had large amounts of chocolate in their stomach; mostly undigested."
"Logically, someone must be poisoning the chocolate," Brennan said.
"Or something," Hodgins said as his eyes widened with excitement. "All this time I was thinking that the particulates were some sort of Arthropod eggs. I can't believe I didn't think it could be Squamata eggs instead."
He looked around at the blank faces before adding, "Squamata, lizards with horny plates. The particulates are lizard caviar!"
"So you're trying to tell me that someone's putting lizard eggs into chocolate?" Booth asked.
"Unless the lizard itself is defecating into the chocolate," Brennan added.
Hershey Park, Hershey, PA
"Agent Booth, I'm Officer Redshirt."
"Nice to meet you," Booth replied. "So what have you got?"
"Well the landscapers just discovered it this morning," the officer said as he pointed to the giant indentation in the ground.
"Holy mother of pearl," Booth exclaimed. "Hodgins, what have you got?"
"I've got trace residue that matches the eggs," he replied.
"That should give us enough leverage to shut down the facility to limit the distribution of this tainted chocolate," Brennan said.
"So you're saying a lizard did this?" Officer Redshirt asked. "I mean look at the size of that footprint! This thing has got to be huge. How come no-one's seen it?"
"I wonder…" said Booth.
Three days later back at the Jeffersonian
"What's up Zack?" Booth asked.
"Well Agent Booth, as you remember I constructed that fully functional robot that you gave your son for Christmas…"
"Yeah and he absolutely loved it," Booth said with a wide smile. "Thanks for making me the coolest dad!"
"I'm glad he liked it," Zack said. "I've been working the last few months on an exo-suit large enough to hold a person and I've finally worked all the bugs out."
He pulled back the tarp that unveiled the spectacular looking exo-suit. It was black and shiny and looked like it could kick some serious ass.
"That's awesome!" Booth exclaimed with a giant smile. "How's it work?"
"Well I've tailored it to recognize your specific neural patterns so once you're hooked in, if you think it, it'll do whatever you thought of."
"How'd you get it tailored to my neural patterns?" Booth asked skeptically.
"You seem to take naps consistently on the couch in Dr. Brennan's office and I've been working on this for a couple of years so I've accumulated a substantial amount of data from you."
Booth continued looking skeptically.
"Relax Agent Booth," Zack said. "I was purposely avoiding the areas that would reveal anything embarrassing. But you should know that you talk in your sleep and I'm not sure what Dr. Brennan's reaction would be if she heard what some of your dreams are."
"Umm, let's keep that between you and me, alright?" Booth said. "And great job with the suit, hopefully I can try it out soon."
Later that afternoon
"So any new leads?" Sweets asked. "I mean I'd love to try and profile a giant lizard that poops in one of the largest chocolate manufacturers in the world thereby poisoning millions."
"Why do you think you could communicate with this lizard?" Brennan asked. "As a psychologist, why would you disregard anthropomorphic fallacy?"
"How do we know that this lizard isn't an alien or from another dimension and is fully able to communicate?" Sweets retorted.
"As much as I enjoy discussions of inter-dimensional hopping alien lizards," Hodgins interrupted, "It's far more likely that this is a top secret governmental weapon in the war on obesity so people will stop eating chocolate."
Just then the roof of the Jeffersonian was ripped off sending everyone running from the shards of broken glass and other falling debris.
Brennan and Booth both started shooting at the lizard's head that was now leaning in through the roof. The bullets were doing nothing and Booth knew he needed a larger gun. He remembered the exo-suit and ran off to get into it.
Moments later Booth in his suit started launching missiles and other weapons. The lizard swatted Booth and he went flying off uncontrollably.
"He needs help," Sweets yelled.
Hodgins, Angela, Cam and Brennan all ran downstairs to Zack's lab. Upon hearing the commotion, Zack pulled back a curtain and smiled.
"There's one for each of you," he said.
Hodgins got in the green suit. Brennan got into the brown suit. Cam got into the silver suit. And Angela got into the pink suit. With a handful of instructions the Squint Squad flew off to join Booth in battle with the lizard.
Sweets saw the team all flying around battling the lizard and asked Zack if there was an extra suit for him.
"Sorry Scooby," he said. "You're bait for the trap I'm setting."
"Scooby?" Sweets asked. "Like in Scooby Doo?"
"Exactly," Zack retorted. "You have large teeth, people barely understand what you're saying and you smell like incense. Ergo, Scooby. And I need you to lure the lizard into my trap. Ergo you're the bait just like Scooby."
"Well can they merge into a giant robot like Voltron or something?"
"Actually they can but I'm not ready yet," Zack said. "Here help me pull this tardis onto the platform."
"Does this tardis work?"
"I built it, so of course it does," Zack retorted. "I reverse engineered it based on the Doctor's schematics."
"What Doctor?"
"Doctor Who of course," Zack said as he rolled his eyes. "Do you really think the BBC is just a television station? It's the nexus of thirty-seven parallel dimensions."
"So what's your plan?"
"Once we get the tardis in place," Zack said. "I'll tell the team to merge and use the shrink ray, which is only available once they're merged, and bring that lizard down to size. It will only keep the lizard small for a few minutes so we need to send it through the tardis quickly and we'll save Earth in the process. Those Daleks won't know what hit them once the lizard regains its normal size."
"When you say it like that, it all sounds so simple."
They finally pushed the tardis into the center of the platform. Zack radioed the team and told them how the suits will merge, forming a giant squint, and how to use the shrink ray.
The lizard got zapped by the ray and shrank to the size of a dog. The lizard then ran for Sweets who was standing in front of the open tardis and jumped out of the way while Zack closed the door on the lizard. They quickly backed away as the tardis disappeared.
An hour later at the Royal Diner
"I'm amazed at how well the suits work," Angela said.
"Well you know our little Zacky is a genius," Hodgins said.
"But it wouldn't have worked without us all being a cohesive unit," Zack said.
"This is true," Cam added.
"I'm very proud of you Zack," Brennan said. "And I finally have my own weapon."
"I'm proud of you too Zack," Booth added while tapping him on the shoulder with an open palm. "So is this what you've been doing with your spare time?"
"Of course," Zack said stoically. "What else do you think I'd be doing? Helping a cannibalistic serial killer? That's preposterous."
Meanwhile back in the autopsy room
"Man," Sweets muttered while pushing a broom. "How did I get stuck on clean up duty?"
He bumped the table as he swept and didn't notice the fingers of the corpse start to twitch…