Krampus Christmas
"You know what the best thing about ice skates is?" asked the Joker, as he attached two sharp blades to the bottom of his shoes. "You can use 'em to engage in enjoyable winter exercise, or as a murder weapon. It's two of my favorite things combined – fun, and killing people."
"I can't stand up, Daddy," said his daughter, Arleen, trying and failing to balance on her skates.
"Yeah, you get your clumsiness from your mother," sighed Joker. "Lemme help you, princess. On the count of three, we'll get up together," he said, taking her hands. "One, two, three!" he exclaimed, as they pulled each other up.
"I can't tie my skates on, Daddy," said Arleen's twin brother, J.J., looking in confusion at the laces in front of him. "I can figure out lots of other puzzles, but not how to tie shoelaces."
"Well, it can be tricky," agreed Joker, heading over to help him. "There's some poem about rabbits to help you remember, but you'd have to ask Uncle Jervis about that. I ain't a poetry kinda guy."
"Daddy, I'm gonna fall over!" shrieked Arleen, as he had let go of her hand to tie J.J.'s skates. She plummeted backward toward the ice, but Joker raced over to catch her before she hit it.
"Geez, maybe we shoulda brought your mother after all," he said, helping her balance again. "Just to have two pairs of hands. But I can't help but think it would all end disastrously with her involved, just like everything does. Now both of you, take my hands, and we'll try this slowly. I promise I won't let go until you're ready."
"What if the ice breaks, Daddy?" asked J.J., as his father pulled him to his feet.
"It won't – you gotta trust me," said Joker. "I promise you, this is fun."
"Doesn't seem like fun so far," muttered J.J.
"Just hold on," said Joker, picking up speed. Once he was going fast enough, he spun them around in a circle so they whipped around the ice, laughing. "See, that's fun, isn't it?" he asked.
"Again, Daddy!" exclaimed Arleen.
"Ok, but this time I want you to let go," he said.
"Won't that hurt?" asked J.J.
"Trust me," repeated Joker, gaining speed and then spinning them around. "Let go now!" he exclaimed.
The twins obeyed, shooting backward across the lake and landing in a snowbank. They popped their heads out of the snow, giggling madly. "Now tell me that ain't fun!" said Joker, smiling at them as he skated over.
"It is fun," agreed J.J. "But cold."
"Well, let's stay out here a little longer and then head home to your mother, who should have hot cocoa waiting," said Joker, glancing at the sky. "I don't wanna be out when it gets dark, for obvious reasons."
The twins shuddered, and not just from the cold, as they climbed out of the snowbank. After about half an hour of fun on the ice, they headed home well before sunset.
"There are my little Jokersicles!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, rushing to hug her family as the door opened. She was beaten to it by their pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, who instantly began barking and jumping on them, relieved they were home. "Geez, you're frozen!" Harley exclaimed, kissing her family. "You need some hot cocoa in you right away! Luckily it's ready," she added, as she headed into the kitchen.
"Told you," said Joker. "One thing you can say for your mother, she's dependable. Even if she is too clumsy to be taken ice-skating," he added, kissing her as she brought them each a mug of steaming cocoa.
"Well, I needed to put up the decorations anyway," retorted Harley. "How does the room look?" she asked, gesturing out to the living room. "You think grandma, grandpa and me did a good job?"
"Yeah!" exclaimed J.J., gazing around excitedly at the Christmas decorations everywhere. "Great job, grandma and grandpa!"
"Thank you, J.J.," said Mrs. Quinzel, rushing to embrace her grandson while Mr. Quinzel ruffled his hair. "I'm glad you like it."
"We don't have a lot of practice with Christmas, but it's not so hard once you get the hang of it," said Mr. Quinzel.
"It looks like a fairy-tale castle!" exclaimed Arleen. "Or something outta The Nutcracker!"
"Well, I really hope there are no rodents hanging around in here!" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, there's only one rodent king I'm afraid of, and he ain't getting in here without my guard hyenas tearing him limb from limb," he said, petting Bud and Lou.
"Did you know the story of The Nutcracker originated in Germany?" asked Mrs. Quinzel. "Which is where our family was originally from a few generations back."
"Is Germany in Brooklyn?" asked J.J.
"No, it's a country across the ocean," replied Mrs. Quinzel. "This was way, way back, in our great-great grandparents' time. It was a difficult time for our people in Germany, so they immigrated to America in search of a better life, and settled in Brooklyn."
"And it became an even more difficult time for your people in Germany a few years after that, what with the Nazis and all," commented Joker, as Harley elbowed him.
"But a lot of popular holiday traditions originated in Germany," continued Mrs. Quinzel, ignoring him. "Including the Christmas tree, or Tannenbaum, and including everyone's favorite Christmas ballet, The Nutcracker."
"Wow, Germany must be a fun place to be at Christmas," said Arleen. "So many wonderful traditions came from there!"
"Well, they aren't all wonderful," commented Mr. Quinzel. "They did invent Krampus, after all."
"What's Krampus?" asked J.J.
"He's this monster who travels around the country with their version of Santa Claus," explained Mr. Quinzel. "Except he punishes the naughty children by whipping them with sticks, or carrying them off in his giant bag to eat them."
Everyone stared at him. "What kinda sick, messed up people would come up with that kinda horrible punishment for a naughty child?" asked Joker, aghast. "No wonder they were Nazis!"
"Is…is Krampus gonna take us away, Daddy?" whispered Arleen, clinging to her father's leg in terror.
"No, princess – first of all, you're not a naughty child, and second of all, even if you were, Krampus isn't real," said Joker, reassuringly. "Now I'm just gonna have a word in private with your grandfather," he said, grabbing Mr. Quinzel's arm and dragging him into the kitchen.
"What do you mean by freaking out my kiddies like that, huh?" he demanded, rounding on him in fury. "Don't you know they were almost kidnapped last year by a certain Bat-freak?! The last thing they need to think about is some creepy German monster coming here to carry them off and eat them!"
"I'm sorry – I thought they would think it was funny," said Mr. Quinzel. "Krampus is nothing more than a joke anymore, and I thought you liked jokes."
"I don't like jokes about my kiddies being taken away from me," snapped Joker. "That ain't funny. So just keep your creepy, Nazi superstitions to yourself in the future, ok?"
"Great sense of humor he's got, Harley," sighed Mr. Quinzel, as Joker stormed out of the kitchen.
"He's just a little overprotective of the kiddies – you can't blame him," said Harley. "It's how he shows he cares, by threatening to hurt people. I think it's kinda sweet."
"Yeah, you think a lotta odd things, Harley," sighed Mr. Quinzel, hugging her. "I've learned to accept those, though, so maybe I can learn to accept the same eccentricities in the father of your children."
"That's a good way of looking at it, Dad," said Harley, nodding. "Mr. J's just a little eccentric, that's all. But no more eccentric than people who think up a monster who kidnaps bad kids and eats them. I agree with Mr. J – that's a messed up idea."
"It's just a silly relic of the past, Harley," replied Mr. Quinzel. "It can't hurt you."
But that was where Mr. Quinzel was wrong. Superstitions still held power over people who believed in them, and there was at least one person in Gotham City who still believed in Krampus.