Tobias

We make it back to the compound. There is an eeriness about the place. What was I expecting? The best I can gather is that Caleb and Tris were successful, at least. I exhale, until then I hadn't realized I'd been holding my breath. Amar stops ahead of me with Christina behind. He has his gun raised. Neither of us bothered to tell him, partly because we weren't sure how he'd react and the other being that although we knew the serum wasn't released in the city, Christina and I had no way of knowing how it played out here. I don't doubt Amar knows something is wrong, even from inside the city, and I bet he knows I'm involved, although I don't make it known. I continue to play as clueless.

Christina must be playing the part as well when she says, "What happened here? Where is everybody?" Sometimes I'm still surprised that her former inner Candor allows herself to lie.

Amar doesn't turn back to look at her. Instead he keeps his eyes trained ahead. "I don't know but I intend to find out." He continues forward cautiously, as his Dauntless background has taught him.

I see three figures in my periphery. Peter, Zeke, and Hana. I almost forget why Zeke and his mother are here but then I remember Uriah. I reach into my pocket for a knife to hand Zeke but he raises one up to my eyesight indicating that he's got his own. I contemplate giving it to Peter, then I remember how practically useless he is and think better of it, placing it back in my pocket.

I flank Amar as we make our way through the abandoned security check point, guns at the ready. It is there that we find Matthew talking to a large group of Bureau employees. We came at the tail end of his speech. He sees us, making eye contact with me and waving his hand down, I understand to lower my gun and I direct Amar and Christina to do the same. Matthew explains to the employees to remain calm and to take their time to process what he's just told them. He makes his way over to us.

"What's happened here?" demands Amar.

"There was an accident and a large quantity of the memory serum was released here in the compound. Only a handful of us were inoculated. Everyone here has been reset. I was just explaining it to them." Amar isn't buying it, I know that and I'm pretty sure Matthew does too. But Amar doesn't say anything, instead he looks around with narrowed eyes. Frankly I don't care if he accepts it or not. My mind is preoccupied, no matter how selfishly, with Tris. I can't help this feeling of dread that has come over me. I pray my instincts are wrong.

Matthew approaches me next and takes my elbow so that we turn away from the group. "You and I need to take a trip to the infirmary. Something's happened." His words do not help to quell the terror inside of me, in fact his words do just the opposite.

I follow him silently, afraid that if I speak I won't be able to think straight. We pass the waiting area littered with people on stretchers, some being attended to, some not. Matthew leads me to a room and the first thing I see is Caleb standing, but my eyes pass over him to Cara, who's got a bandage on her head and a bruised face. The last thing my eyes land on is Tris laying still and pale as death in the bed between them.

I break into a blind rage and grab Caleb by the throat and thrust him into the nearest wall. He does nothing to fight me. "How dare you, you worthless piece of Erudite trash! How dare you let her take your place." I can tell my hand is gripping tighter and that his face is turning purple but I don't care.

I can feel someone tugging on my shoulders and at first I choose to ignore it but then it's coming from both sides, Cara on one and Christina on the other. When had Christina followed? Somehow Cara's voice breaks through. "Stop, just Stop! She's not dead." I freeze, my hand still wrapped around Caleb's throat.

"You've got ten seconds before I squeeze the life out of him."

"It's true, Tris went into the Weapons Lab instead of him. The death serum didn't kill her though. She was shot, multiple times and was bleeding out. It was Caleb who saved her. He went in after the death serum cleared out and he stanched the bleeding and saved her life."

I slowly release Caleb's throat. He takes a big gasping breath and collapses onto the floor. I turn away from him and suddenly I'm standing over Tris. She's so pale. I look up to the monitor at her bedside, quietly beeping to indicate her heartbeat. There is another monitor with squiggly lines I don't understand. "How long has she been like this?" I direct to no one in particular.

Cara answers. "Several hours already. The doctors aren't sure when she'll wake up. They've pumped her full of blood to replace what she's lost, antibiotics to reduce any infections and pain meds. That monitor indicates her brainwaves." So unlike Uriah, Tris stands a chance at waking.

Looking back at her, I smooth my hand over her hair. She doesn't move. I bend over her and kiss her forehead. Nothing. I whisper into her ear. "Beatrice, you're the stupidest, bravest, most selfless person I know. Wake up." But she doesn't. I don't know how long I stand over her like that until someone, probably Christina, pushes a chair behind me and I eventually sit.

It seems like a long time until I'm left alone, although I don't really measure the passing of time. All I can focus on is Tris lying unconscious in the bed before me. I've got her hand in mine and rub my thumb across the back of her hand. "For once be selfish. Come on Tris, wake up, for me please. I don't want to live this life without you. Dammit." I slam my other fist down on the arm of my chair. I can't stand feeling so helpless.

"What did that chair ever do to you?" I turn to see Christina. I hadn't heard her come in. She takes a chair from across the room and pulls it next to me before sitting down. "You haven't gotten any sleep have you?"

I shake my head. "What good is sleep?"

"Well for one it'll help pass the time. Second you've been awake for nearly two days straight, your mind could use the rest."

"She's sleeping enough for the both of us." I motion my chin at Tris.

"It might be good to get some air."

"I'm just fine with the air in here thanks." But I know better than that. Christina is keeping something back. "Spit it out."

"The doctors unplugged Uriah an hour ago."

My head drops. With all of this I put Uriah in the back burner. "I should have been there, if not for Uriah, at least for Zeke."

"Everyone understands why you weren't"

I say nothing to this, there's nothing left to say. I go back to rubbing the back of Tris' hand with my thumb. Christina and I sit in silence.

Days pass, still I do not get much sleep. I can't bring myself to. On the rare occasion I do doze off I am tormented by my own mind's interpretation of what it must have been like for Tris to undergo the death serum. I try not to fall asleep just to avoid such nightmares.

I don't care much for what goes on outside of the room, I just can't bring myself to be bothered. Every once and awhile someone like Christina or Cara will come to update me. I welcome the company because it helps to keep me awake. Matthew has been busy and that's alright; I recall Cara telling me that the Council are considering him for David's replacement. As far as I'm concerned, I don't understand how they can make decisions since they were also affected by the memory serum. Matthew should have just told them that he was already named David's replacement; I suppose he's trying to maintain some sort of integrity after taking part in such a coup.

I haven't seen Amar since we returned to the compound and no one's mentioned him or George. And Caleb hasn't stepped foot into the room since I nearly suffocated him. As much as I blame him for Tris going into the Weapons Lab, I know that she wouldn't be alive, laying in this bed unconscious, if he hadn't gone in after her. Although I've put aside my desire to wring his neck, I can only imagine that I would throw him a few punches if I lay eyes on him. Nonetheless, I do think he has a responsibility to sit at his sister's bedside.

Just then I hear the sliding door behind me and I think it might be him. A hand clasps on my shoulder, a familiar hand. I recognize the footfall too.

"Zeke." I do not look up; my eyes remain on Tris. This is the first time we're in the same room since returning to the compound.

"She looks peaceful." I know he does not mean that in a negative way.

"Don't let her fool you. She has a knack of creating such an illusion even in her sleep." In my mind I am referring to two occasions; the night Tris and I laid down together in the Candor headquarters and I awoke to find that she'd gone to sacrifice herself to Jeanine Matthews, and when I found out that she'd left my old Abnegation home to work with my father behind my back. I shake my head to clear such thoughts from my mind. I try to focus on the happier moments.

"Knowing her, at least from the way my brother and you described her, I'd bet she's likely already awake and waiting for the most dramatic moment."

"She knows better than that." The mention of Uriah saddens me, partly because I wasn't there when he was unplugged and the other part because Tris would have been there if she could.

Zeke must take note of the awkward silence between us because he says, "She'll wake up when she's ready."

I nod. "Too bad she's taking her sweet time doing it." I almost don't realize I've said it outloud.

"From what Cara told me, she's been through a lot. She was shot twice before she even left the city, was nearly executed, underwent several accounts of truth serum, lost some of her closest friends and family, gone head-to-toe in a fight with one of her mentors, and I'm sure I'm missing some, all before she entered the Weapons Lab. The girl is long overdue for some rest."

"You don't need to remind me of all this. I was there or at least around when most of those happened. No one understands how much rest she needs other than me but I just wish she would wake up first, tell me she's alright and..." I trail off. Zeke and I were friends before the whole mess in Chicago, but only Tris knows my deepest thoughts, if that.

"And?" he prompts.

I sigh. "I thought that when I returned from the city that we'd be starting our lives together away from factions and away from this place. I want to take her home, wherever that will be, and there she can have all the rest she needs, with me."

"You can still have that, Four."

"The longer she stays asleep in this bed, the farther away all that seems."

I am left alone with Tris for several hours. When the door opens next it is Christina who enters. In the corner of my eye I catch her fingering the lid of the food tray the nurses bring for me since Tris is now being fed through a feeding tube.

"First you're not sleeping, now you're not eating." I don't respond; she's not my mother and frankly I don't feel the need to. "When Tris wakes up she's going to whip you back into shape."

"I'll still give her a run for her money."

Christina plops down in the chair next to me. "With all kidding aside, Four you need to take a break."

"Tris wouldn't leave me, I'm certainly not leaving her."

"I'm not saying to leave her. I'm trying to find the least rude way to tell you to take twenty minutes and shower because you reek."

I take it upon myself at that moment to sniff my armpit. "Wow."

"See what I mean?" I cough. "You've barely moved in days." Christina turns to point to the bathroom attached to the room. "You won't have to go far, there's a shower in there."

I remain unmoving for a moment and then think that there's no harm in getting myself cleaned up. I'm not doing Tris any better by rotting in my own filth. So I get up and march to the bathroom. Before I close the door behind me I stop and look at Christina. "Will you-"

"Stay with her while you wash up? Of course."

"Thank you." Christina nods and turns to look at Tris.

I don't fully understand how good it feels until the hot water hits me. The bathroom is stocked with soap that I lather all over myself. Suddenly I'm scrubbing. I can't seem to stop scrubbing as I try to wash away the last few weeks from my body. I want to go back, back to the night of the initiation ceremony just after Tris underwent her fear landscape. That's the last moment I can recall before the madness orchestrated by Jeanine Matthews ensued. I try to imagine how the night would have played out if there had been no attack simulation. But I can't because it happened and no amount of scrubbing can take those events and the memories away. I try to convince myself that I would have preferred to not have any resistance to the simulation but it's no good. The thought of remaining naive is compelling but had I not been resistant I would not have been there for Tris and she would not have been there for me.

Tris has become my sanity and my saving grace. Although I know that I could go on without her as she could go on without me, that is a reality I don't even waste my time contemplating. For knowing Tris has made me a better man and her presence will only continue to do so.

The shower water slowly runs cold and I take that as my cue that I've been here too long. I rinse off and step out. I look around the bathroom; the only clothes I have are my soiled ones. With the towel tightly wrapped around my waist I open the door.

Christina is sitting in the same place. One of her hands however covers her eyes while the other is outstretched towards me. "I'm sorry, I forgot to give you this." In her outstretched hand is a bundle; I take it and return to the bathroom.

I emerge a few moments later donning a black T-shirt and blue jeans. "Thanks," I say to Christina. She no longer covers her eyes.

"No problem. Believe me, you're doing us all a service."

I mock a laugh and nudge her in the shoulder with my fist and I make my way to my chair. I take Tris' hand in both of mine. Christina and I sit together with Tris as we have done everyday since.