Prologue

Wednesday August 11th, 2004
Unknown location

Everyone has secrets, that's just a natural part of life. And most people would say they don't have any more secrets than the next person. Most people would say I don't have any more secrets than the next person. And that's where they would be wrong.

Most people who know me would say that I have three secrets. Secret number one. Ahh, that would be my BIG secret. That I'm in love with my boss, and have been for years actually. Did you know that there's a bet between the lab workers about just how long I've been in love with him? They also have a bet going as to how long I am going to last with the silent treatment deal that we have going and how long it will take for me to stick my foot up my ass by asking him out once again. And last but certainly not least, at least to them anyways, is how long it is until someone catches the two of us doing the 'horizontal tango'.

Well, I have the most popular answer to those bets as well since I managed to get the information out of Greg. And I quote in order: Since the moment I first saw him; Three weeks, six days, two hours and five minutes. I say those guys have way too much time on their hands to be that down to the minute. As for how long before I ask him out again we have the time limit of a month and the most popular answer as to how long before someone catches us doing the 'horizontal tango' as Greg refers to it is 'already are but give Catherine a few more weeks.'

Idiots, the lot of them. In truth the answers are as follows: I'll have them know I'm that I didn't fall in love with him until he sent me that card and gift for graduation. Why do I suddenly have the urge to say 'So there'. But moving on, Okay, I admit, I can take a few rejections until I get the hint, at least in the case of one Gilbert B. Grissom. Although in my defense, the man gives mixed signals that are worse than a lovesick teenager with her first crush. But for the love of Science, after you see the man you love tell a SUSPECT that he won't take the risk that said SUSPECT took…You get the hint! Needless to say, it's not going to bloody well happen. And Archie is not going to win that bet.

Now, as for the silence treatment…well sorry, whoever bet three weeks, six days, two hours and five minutes…I suspect it was Jacqui but I don't know for sure…anyway they are going to be off by oh…3 weeks, 4 days, and I'm not even going to waste time figuring out the minutes and hours. How one might ask? Well, the best way to end a competition over how long I'm going to survive the silent treatment is easy. Just leave.

And of course the last and most popular bet…I'm starting to suspect the people in the lab are losing their minds with this answer though because one, I have never yet, nor will I ever be doing the 'horizontal tango' with Griss. First off, even if we were we wouldn't be stupid enough to risk getting caught at work. Second, I would not get into a relationship with Griss if I knew there was no chance for it to progress beyond simply physical. God, I'm in love with the man. And as much as I love him, I know for a fact it would kill me to have some sort of relationship with him, but for it not to be anything beyond physical. Oh and why is it that it was Catherine that they thought to be the one to find us? What about Warrick and Nick and Greg and Brass and the rest of our inner circle for the love of everything scientific!

But anyway, on to another one of my 'secrets'. Secret number two; that I'm heading for a burnout. Now this one really irritates me. I'm depressed; I'm dealing with the hell that is my life. But I am NOT headed for a burnout! Actually, I'm running, I'm not going to burnout, at least not here in Vegas!

Secret number three is that I've become an alcoholic. I have to wonder, what is it that gives everyone else my 'inner most secrets'? Yes, I was pulled over for driving under the influence a few months ago. Damn it! Why is it that every little thing that happens to you is common knowledge to the rest of the world? For your information, I had just come to a conclusion and wanted to get it started before I talked myself out of it. Second I FORGOT I had been drinking a beer, less than thirty minutes earlier. I was stupid, I was an idiot. But I am NOT an alcoholic.

So yes, these are the three big secrets everyone in the world seems to think I have. Oh wait, I forgot the fourth one, that I'm blaming Nick for getting the promotion and now hate him because of it.

No I don't hate him, NO I don't blame him. Griss made the decision, why I don't know. But I don't hold it against Nick.

Anyway, now that all of that is out of my system.

So now that I've just laughed about the secrets the world thinks I have, on to the truth. I do have secrets. And a few more than the next person walking down the sidewalk with me. What are they? Well I intend to keep my secrets to myself and take them to the grave. But here's the truth, I have been running from these secrets for the last twenty years of my life. And yes, I'm only in my early thirties…you do the math.

And I am bound and determined to not face them here in Vegas, or any other time soon so I'm doing the one thing I've done a few other times in my life. The difference is that before I would only run for a few days then return. People never even knew I was running, and it was always enough time to get my emotions back under control.

But not this time. No, I'm never coming back to Vegas. I've put this off too long, and I've left my demons to slowly pick away at the barriers I've created over the years. With everything I've seen here….I can't just go away for a few days to get everything locked up once more and return to continue as if nothing is going on. So I'm going to go, and I'm going to start a new life and find my place in the world once more.

Because if I don't…. I don't think I can survive.

So just who am I? That's a question I ask myself every day. I'm a CSI who loves my job. And yet there are certain cases I just can't handle. I'm a woman in love with the man of her dreams who just happens to be her boss not to mention the mentor and friend who got her through her last years of education. I'm a girl haunted by the demons of her past, and that is never going to change. And for once in my life I'm admitting that I can't escape them.

Who am I? I'm Sara Marie Sidle. And in twelve hours and twenty-three minutes…I'm no longer going to exist.