To Have Loved Him
By: Saya Soharu
Summary: You never quite know what life has instore for you but sometimes it's better not knowing.
Dear Diary,
The years since Naraku's defeat and the closing of the well have been a blur. I hardly remember what my family looks like or why Sango and I rarely talk, but most of all I can't remember agreeing to being his second mate. Although, I love him and have always wanted to be his I can still remember the day he announced to the group that he would be mated to Kikyo. Hearing him say such a thing with confidence and pride had killed me on the inside. For weeks he ordered everyone around making sure everything would be perfect for when she came back to Edo. Even then I still held onto the hope that he would back out at some point.
Somewhere in my subconscious I knew he wouldn't but being stubborn I refused to let my hope die, I refused to believe he loved her more. Then came the day of their mating. She looked radiant and the usual distance in her eyes was replaced with a sparkle of joy as she stared down the flower filled aisle only to meet his equally joyous eyes. Seeing the look they had shared made me envious and bitter. He had never looked at me the way he looked at her that day. Even now on the eve of our mating when he looks at me his eyes fail to hold such joy.
Nevertheless he still tries his best to treat me as he does her with love and kindness. He's even gone so far as to make time for him and I away from everyone but somehow even now I still feel uneasy about all of this. I still feel the doubt gnawing at me constantly but the strangest part about all of this is the recurring dreams that feel as though they might be memories.
I feel as though these dreams make me doubt him more and more but I can't brake it off until I can remember something past their mating. I can only hope that my memories return soon so that I might not be so confused or scared. So that I might be able to find myself again.
Your's Truly,
Kagome Higurashi