A/N: This o/s was written for the "A Picture Says it All" Challenge. We chose to use picture #18, which is you can find posted on our profile.
Jessica1971 beta'd this for us. Seriously, she worked her magic. She took it from being written by kindergartners to high schoolers. Thank you, Jessica! You're awesome.
Thanks to KhariZZmatiK and ShearEnvy for hosting this contest.
Disclamer: SM owns Twilight. If I did, the Cullens would be naked.
EPOV
It had been four weeks since I received something that made my heart swell, but made me feel like a complete jackass as well. Four weeks prior I came home and discovered a note tucked under my pillow - the same pillow Bella's soft chestnut hair was sprawled out on the night before. She had spent the night after I ravished her amazing body with my tongue. Honestly, that happened most nights.
Bella had always been vocal with her feelings for me. She had left me small notes around my house and in the pockets of my clothes, cute voicemails, and sexy texts. I wish I could say I'd been the same. Due to my past, I had guarded myself from every feeling related to love because it scared the shit out of me. It never dawned on me how much I had grown to love Bella until that day.
"My Dearest Edward,
Even though you just left and I know I will see you in a few hours, I just felt the need to tell you what is on my mind and has been in my heart since the day I met you. I love you, Edward. It's really that simple. I'm not even going to get into how much my body loves you or I will be here all day, especially after last night *wink wink* but I will tell you a few reasons why I love you . I love you because you know I'm not a morning person so you always bring me coffee when we work the same shift. I love that you insist on me bringing a jacket when we go out so I'm not cold, even though I complain it doesn't match my outfit. I love that you never laugh at me when I cry over a Hallmark movie or even a good book. I love that you're adventurous and always pushing me past my limits. I love you because you never make me feel second best to anyone or anything. I love that even though the hospital and James pretty much use up every second of your day, you still find time for us.
I just wanted to let you know this,
Your B."
The fact that she had to take the first step to move our relationship forward made me feel like a pussy. I knew I loved her, too, but I hadn't even thought of going there with her yet. That is exactly why I'm a jackass. Aren't men supposed to take the lead in relationships?
I needed to put some distance between us over the next few weeks so I could think. She consumed every available thought I had all day long, but loving her wasn't that simple for me. It could never be black and white for us. It would always be gray or whatever fucking color of the rainbow you want it to be because of James, my son. I'm even more of a jackass for not telling her why I was spending less time with her. I was selfish and hadn't talked with her about how I felt.
I love her. I've always loved her. But is love enough?
I had tried to answer that question myself. I feared that if I said the three words and things didn't work out that I would never be able to love again. I knew when I said those words to her that they would be the first step to our happily ever after, for all of us, so I had to make sure I said it with meaning and put effort into it. I'd never planned to say the words 'I love you' to another woman and actually mean them. I had said them before. Things didn't work the way they should have and look where that landed me - a single dad and my son doesn't have a mother. I could try work through my past fears of being left heartbroken, but my main concern was if James loved her as much as I did. If he didn't, I couldn't take the next step. He's my world and means everything to me; however, Bella owns an equal part of my heart. I refused to imagine a world for me and James where Bella did not exist.
James went to visit my parents in Chicago for a couple weeks. While he was away, I worked more hours at the hospital. I had told myself to use the time wisely to gain more experience. In fact, I stayed at the hospital longer in those weeks to avoid alone time with Bella. I desperately needed time to sort through my feelings for her. I knew avoiding her had hurt her feelings. It's not like we didn't spend time together, I just made sure we were always with other people.
Bella had been excited when James came home. Most days Bella was the one who picked him up from daycare. She loved James and asked if she could watch him when I was at the hospital late at night. That happened most nights due to the demands of being an intern.
I'm supposed to be a tough man, a surgeon, but deep down my feelings about love always seemed to turn me into a fucking pussy. I think I have a vagina. Here I was thinking about my feelings. I could hold a man's heart in the palm of my hand, but couldn't tell the best thing that has ever come into our lives that I loved her. Douche.
I had been telling myself I hadn't said it because I didn't know the perfect way to do it. You see, my Bella is creative and spunky. I think she got off on trying to surprise me. The best surprise yet was a sexy little note she left for me in my scrubs pocket about what she wanted to do during our breaks. I found it while in a department meeting. I don't fucking blush. I'm a man, but damn, her dirty words that day made me blush like a schoolboy who got caught touching himself in the boy's locker room.
"Edward ~ I want your one-eyed snake to spit at me. Yummy!"
Bella loved leaving notes for James, too. She drew smiley faces with a heart next to a big B with his snacks for daycare. He always mentioned the note on the day she left them so I knew he loved them, too. That was why I didn't want to just say the words for the first time at the end of a phone conversation or while we snuggled on the couch pretending to watch SpongeBob with James. She deserved something better than that and I wasn't about to do the typical romantic wine and dine shit either.
That brought me back to the present moment. It'd been the day from hell. First, James didn't want to go to daycare. He wanted to spend the day with Bella. I tried to tell him she had to work, too, but he cried the entire drive there.
Secondly, the two cases I'd worked on had crazy ass family members that asked me the most ridiculous questions known to man and that had absolutely nothing to do with the procedure I was going to be performing on their family member. Did it really matter in the big picture what the color options were for your 81 year old Grandmother's cast? Stupid fucks.
Then, my bitch of a boss, Kate, had blamed me for every Goddamn thing that had gone wrong in the department. I wasn't even the resident in charge, so I didn't know what the fuck her problem was. Actually, I did, she wanted my cock and she would never get the chance to even see it. She had been fucking with me since I turned her down a year before right after Bella and I started to date.
Bella and I used to meet up when we could in the on call room for a quick kiss on our breaks. Ok, it'd been more like a lot of kissing, petting, dry humping, and if I was really lucky… some poking. But none of that happened that day - making my day even shittier and it pissed me off. The point was that nothing was going right. That day was just like the last four weeks. I had said I was too busy to meet her. It was a lie, of course. I was the asshole who avoided being alone with her during any intimate situations where the big three words could slip out.
The night before wasn't an exception, either. I made sure I kept James up past his bedtime as we watched "Cars" again. I used him as a distraction because I had needed an excuse to keep my mouth shut. Bella deserved more. I'm 'Father of the Fucking Year' because I used my kid to avoid talking to Bella. Guilt. That's what I felt.
That morning I had broken down and called my father. I had needed someone to talk to - someone who knew me and my past, but also knew how it felt to love someone beyond reason and without any hesitation. As crazy as my dad was, I always looked up to him and I needed his guidance more than ever.
"'Ello"
"Hey, Pops, how's it going?"
"Isn't the term 'how's it hanging?' Eddie? Mine is hanging just right according to your mother!" Laughter filled his voice, making me want to gag.
"Pops, let's not go there, please. I'm not in the mood to talk about you and mom's sex life today, or sex in general." I had cringed just thinking about their sex life. My parents were crazy ex-hippies and nymphos at heart. Sex was an open subject with them. I had been tortured with it most my life, so why should our conversation that day be any different?
"This call must be serious, Eddie, if you're trippin' out over sex. Best damn subject in my opinion," he chucked, knowing he was still getting to me.
"Actually, Pops, it is serious. I'm at work, too, so I just need you to really focus and listen please. I don't have much time; my next case is due to start soon."
"I'm all ears, Daddy-O, hit me with your best shot." He must have been quoting from his hippie handbook. 'Daddy-O'? Who the hell says that anymore?
"So, Pops, you know that Bella and I have been seeing each other for about a year." I was stalling and had no idea why.
"Uh huh…"
"You know that she is amazing with James. He's lucky to have her in his life."
"I agree, son," he simply said, "and he talked about her constantly while he was here. Your mother had a field day trying to pry information out of him about your relationship with her," he joked.
I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me. I didn't want to know what my mom was asking him. "Well, I've been thinking about taking our relationship to the next level. I haven't done the 'I love you' thing yet. I know deep down that I love her, but I'm just too afraid to open up again. After Maria…" I clenched my teeth as I said that bitch's name, "it really fucked me over in the love department. How do you say you love someone one day and then just pick up and walk away from them and your kid when times get tough?" God, I wish I'd never met her. But then I wouldn't have James. "It's not like the bullshit that comes with being an intern would have lasted forever, and it's not like James wouldn't have grown out of being a colicky baby." I was frustrated. I hated talking about her. She never wanted to be a mom.
"Son, please tell me you aren't afraid Bella will do what Maria did? That's not fair to Bella, Eddie. Yes, what Maria did was wrong and hurtful, but that doesn't mean Bella will do the same," he said. "She is a different kind of woman and your relationship is completely different from the unhealthy relationship you had with Maria. You are punishing Bella for Maria's mistakes when you hold back how you feel."
Oh God. He was right.
"You have to take chances in life and if you don't you will never find out what it is that makes you happy. Do you have a reason to believe that Bella doesn't feel the same? Is this why you're hesitant?"
"No, she told me a few weeks ago she loved me. I'm such a jackass, though. I haven't said it back yet," I mumbled into the phone, embarrassed, and I really wished he didn't hear me.
"What! Why haven't you, son? Are you trying to push her away? Your mother and I both raised you better than that," his disappointed voice said.
"I know and I'm sorry. No, I'm not trying to push her away." I sighed into the phone. I had never been able to fool my dad. "I talked to James last night, too, and he wants her to live with us, but I'm still over thinking it all and scared to take that step. Is love really enough for people to stay committed?"
"Yes!"
"I've known for a while now that I love her. We've tried to take things slow because of my insecurities. I knew I'd say the words when it felt right. More importantly, I knew I didn't want to say them 'til I was ready for the whole package. And by whole package, I do mean becoming a family… officially..."
At that point I was trying to convince myself that my inactions weren't completely selfish. They were.
"It's one thing to have a cool person come play Spiderman with you, bake cookies with you, or build castles out of Lego's when your daddy is busy at work. But I'm trying to make sure that James feels comfortable having an instant parent when he's only ever had me," I say as I take a much needed breath.
"Eddie, do you really believe that? Are you listening to what you're saying?" he said loudly, interrupting me. "You're trying to tell me that James may not feel comfortable with Bella when she has been his caregiver for almost two years now? Really? You're seriously trippin' if you think that you are scared of being rejected by Bella."
Shit, he was pissed. That was never a good thing growing up.
"She deserves more. You need to grow a pair and tell Bella you love her and stop treating her like a fucking nanny!" he yelled.
"Eddie, I'm going to say this again so it sinks into your brain. You are using James as an excuse to hold back from Bella. He loves her and you know this, hell, even I know this! James loves Bella as his mother, not as a babysitter. For being so damn smart and having a fancy education, you sure act like a dumbass. You are going to lose the future you deserve. Stop being such a douche, son."
Holy. Shit. I really was a selfish douche. Fuck. Me. And did he call me a dumbass?
"Pops, calm down. I'm sorry. You're right, James and Bella deserve more. I'm going to make this right." I hope. "I want Bella to live with us, to be my wife and James' mother and to just be a family. I want to wake up next to her with her hair looking like a bird's nest every morning. I want to pamper her and spoil her and love her." I needed to make this right.
"Then, Eddie, you need to pull your head out of your ass and give her what she needs. It sounds like you know what you need to do, son. Tell the girl you love her, ask her to move in and get the whole kit and caboodle started. You deserve it more than anyone." His words put me at ease. It was exactly what I needed - someone who could bust my nuts and help me sort through my doubts.
"I will, Pops. I need to man the fuck up and just do it. I will do it today. I promise," I said with new found confidence in my voice. It felt right.
"Remember, son, make love not war. You can't fight fate. You should always strive to have peace, love, and happiness in your life."
All I could do was laugh. Could my dad's old hippie ways come out anymore?
"Ok, Pops, I've got to run, thanks for listening. I love you. Tell mom I said Hi."
"No problem-o. Any time my man. Oh and Eddie?" he said, amused.
"Yeah?"
"Your mother said if you need any guidance on proper positions for baby making to give her a call."
I laughed, "Yeah, Pops. I think we'll be fine on our own. Bye."
As I sat in the dark unoccupied room and hid from Kate like a fucking pussy and reflected on my dad's words of wisdom, I noticed it had started to snow. Bella loved the snow. She had claimed it was magical and always brought good luck to those that needed some. I didn't believe that shit. It was how I knew I didn't have a vagina.
I had decided it was time to make the day magical for her. I needed to use her snow theory to my advantage for the time being. That gave me an idea. I'll show her love. Bring on the love! Actually, bring on the tampons. Apparently, I had a vagina after all.
I looked at my watch and it was 4:37 pm. If I hurried I could beat Bella to her car. I ran like a mad man into the hall as I searched for Jasper. I knew he would be the only one willing to finish up my charts without a lot of questions as to why I was in a rush.
"Hey, Jazz! Can you please finish these charts on Mr. Dixon and Mrs. Preston? I need to get the hell out of here before Bella sees me," I said with pleading eyes and a big smile and knew my best friend would recognize how important it was to me.
"Sure, man, no problem. I expect a phone call later with the reason why your hair looks fucked up, why you have a smile as big as Texas on that ugly ass face of yours, and that creepy look in your eyes, dude. I know you haven't fucked Bella today because I just saw her and she seemed kind of pissy. Did you do something again? Forget her birthday? Kill her kitty?"
"I haven't touched her kitty, that's the fucking problem, well that and I'm a fucking pussy. I've gotta go, man, I'll hit you up later." I rushed out as I ran down the hallway.
"Thanks man!" I shouted as I ran towards my future.
I made it into the elevator and down to the first floor without seeing anyone that would try to stop me to talk. That was good, because no one or nothing could stop me. As I started to bundle up my coat, I noticed the snow had slowed down. It was perfect. I had to time it just right or my plan would never work.
I rounded the corner to the parking lot where Bella's car was usually parked. It was gone.
Fuck.
I looked around to see if I could find it parked nearby. As I started to walk down the alley on the side of the hospital, I spotted it. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus! Maybe snow was magical?
How was I going to make this work, though? I needed to hide in a place where she couldn't see me but I could see her. There was a van parked about three cars down. It would make a great hiding spot. As I looked down at my watch, I noticed it was 4:56. Perfect fucking time, Cullen. Bella was always out the door on time.
I gave myself a mental pep talk again - told myself that I couldn't be a pussy and that I needed to tell my girl how much I loved her. Saying how I felt was not handing my balls over to Bella so she could carry them in her purse. I knew this. We could never move forward with my plan if I couldn't even tell her I loved her.
After one last glance around to make sure she wasn't there yet, I slowly wrote the message on her car. I made sure the letters where etched deep in the snow. I stared at it. She would know I wrote it even though she wouldn't understand the meaning of it at first. I snickered as I took a shaky breath. Time to one up my Bella at her own game of surprises. I walked to the other side of the street and hid behind the van next to the entrance of the alley and waited while I prepared my speech in my head.
I saw my beautiful Bella as she walked towards her car and she looked sad. Had I waited too long?
BPOV
Four weeks.
Four fucking long weeks.
It had been four fucking long weeks since I first told Edward I loved him.
I knew I loved him with all my heart and soul.
The difference between us was how we looked at relationships. My parents, Charlie and Renee, had been together since middle school and had married each other the summer after they graduated high school. I was born the following year. They had the kind of love I had always dreamed of for myself, but never thought I'd find, but I did. Rainbows and butterflies and puffy white clouds. Love at fucking first sight. A love that pushed through all the bullshit that got put in its way. Love that is patient. Love that is kind.
Edward didn't believe in a world full of princes and princesses who live in castles happily ever after. His parents didn't have that. In fact, his parents never married. They were just fuck buddies in college. Edward was the result of their fucking lifestyle. Pun intended.
Carlisle and Esme had lived together since the day they found out she was "knocked up", as Carlisle called it. They were wanna be hippies who took the long road growing up. They raised Edward to be a free spirit. Can you say, "lost cause"?
Edward was a 3rd year surgical intern at Seattle Memorial Hospital. That's where we met and where we both worked.
I remember when I first met Edward and his son. I had just finished up a long shift and had to stop in the hospital gift shop to buy a present for my friend, Alice. She had just given birth to her second daughter earlier that day. As I waited to pay, a set of tiny arms wrapped around my leg.
"Hey, little man," I said as I looked around for his mom or dad. "Aren't you a little cutie?" I was instantly captivated by his beautiful green eyes that were staring up at me, too.
Of course his father saw him immediately and apologized for bothering me. I said it was not a problem and finished paying the cashier. Soon after, I headed for the elevators. As the doors were closing, the same man, with his son on his hip, entered with me. We quickly made small talk as we made it to our floor.
Ironically enough, they were there to see Alice, too. Alice was his sister. Jasper, Alice's husband, had left to go buy dinner in the cafeteria, accidentally taking their camera with him. Alice had wanted a few pictures of James, the little 2 year old boy from the gift shop, with her new baby girl. Neither had a camera, so I offered to take some pictures and email them later that night. I exchanged email addresses with Edward, too, since he wanted copies as well, and what began as just a simple act of kindness turned into a wonderful friendship. Emails turned into gchats, which turned into text messaging and phone calls.
It wasn't too much later that I offered to help watch James a few nights a week. I lived close by and his daycare was close to where we worked. Though Edward had been reluctant at first because he thought he was taking advantage of me, it worked out for both of us. I lived in my apartment alone and didn't do much in the evenings. Plus, I enjoyed hanging out with James.
We quickly became close. Edward and I enjoyed our time together when James was put to bed. I mean we really enjoyed our time together. We just clicked. But there were times I noticed Edward pulling back. It was nothing against me or our relationship; it was always his fear of getting in too deep and not being able to live through the pain of rejection. I never pushed him. One, because I was happy at the pace we were moving, and two, because I could empathize with his feelings. Pain is pain. Whether it's the girl who causes the pain or the guy who hurts the girl, the emotional damage is hard to recover from.
He had James to consider, as well.
Edward's entire personal life had revolved around James. Every decision he made had been weighed with the pros and cons of how it would affect James. Even me. I understood it, I really did. Edward tried to go "the normal route" before and ended up jaded by his son's mom. He had a constant battle inside of his head that warred with what he wanted and what he feared. I knew he would choose me. He just had to work through his abandonment issues and his upbringing.
I had known Edward for close to two years. They had been the happiest two years of my life and also the most frustrating. I spent day after frustrating day trying to keep the skanky hospital whores from sinking their claws into my Edward. Who wouldn't want a hot as sin surgical intern who also happened to be the father of the world's cutest 4 year old as their boyfriend? I can't say I blamed the hoochies for trying, but I'm the one he called to meet in the on call room for a little mid-afternoon snack. Me being the snack most of the time, thanks to Edward being such a giver. His parents would be so proud!
Kate was the biggest whore at work. Fucking Kate. She would stop at nothing to try to catch his eye. Edward knew that and avoided her as much as possible, but it was hard when she was the Chief of Surgery. She obviously abused her authority. Chief Hoochie scheduled him for surgeries he'd give his right leg to perform. He knew why she did it, but he'd be stupid to turn down the opportunities she offered. I stood by and watched, but Edward told me every chance he got that he only had eyes for me. I trusted him.
Edward and I spent all of our time together when we weren't working at the hospital. We loved snowy days where Edward, James, and I could walk to the park down the street and sleigh ride for hours. Living in Seattle, we didn't get many snow days, but when we did, we took advantage of them. James' favorite activity was sledding while I loved making snow angels. Seeing my snow angel between Edward and James' reminded me of what I wanted more than anything. To be a family. We just "fit" together. I could picture the 2-story house with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog and a cat, and even a hamster named Buttons.
Okay, so I creeped myself out. Buttons? Who the hell named a pretend hamster "Buttons"?
I picked James up from daycare and he stayed at my apartment until Edward made it home. Most nights I went with Edward back to his place. It's where my heart wanted to be. That's when I would leave my notes around his house for my two boys. Notes that said, "I've missed you" or "I'm thinking about you" or "You have a beautiful ass". I loved leaving notes in the pockets of his scrubs that I knew would make him smile.
The notes I left for James were just as heartfelt. Although he couldn't read yet, he knew they were from me. I drew hearts, smiley faces, bikes, planes, trains and automobiles, and even that yellow pain in my ass, SpongeBob fucking SquarePants. I drew him because James loved him. James had told me once he loved it the most when I left him notes that had an eyeball, a heart, and the letter "J", meaning "I love you, J". He loved when I called him "J". I, however, loved that he called me "Bellwah".
Back to the problem at hand. I had left a letter for Edward under his pillow four weeks before. In it, I let him know I loved him and a few reasons why I did. That's when Edward started spending more time at the hospital. I knew it scared him. I wish I could say that I regretted leaving that letter, but I didn't. I had been holding back my feelings for a long time. It was time for me to show him that we could be more. I was willing to move slowly, but we had to start taking those steps forward. He had to have faith in me. I had faith in him, so it was only fair.
I had been very patient. I was ready for so much more and I felt the letter was the best approach to moving us forward. I had thought about telling him face to face, but I knew Edward like the back of my hand. He would have panicked. I needed to tell him in a way that he could take the time to process his feelings. I never thought it would take that fucking long though. Maria did a number on him.
Edward was scared to love again. He loved and lost and kept his heart on a tight leash. He had said everything but the "L" word; however, his actions spoke louder than words. Flowers, gifts, weekend trips, and making love every chance we got. Just never, "I love you, Bella." It was the one thing I wanted more than anything else.
"You're still my girl, right?" Edward said as he had kissed me goodbye the night before. I reassured him I'd always be his girl. I thought I heard him whisper, "I'm sorry", too. It broke my heart because Edward needed to hear my words. He didn't trust his feelings.
I knew Edward carried baggage from his relationship with James' deadbeat mom, so I didn't push him. Well, at least I didn't until four weeks before when I wrote the letter. Edward was scared to put his heart on the line again. He had loved James' mom, or at least he thought it was love. It was lust. When she walked out he said he felt relieved, then guilty for being glad that she left, but he knew they were better off without her.
He knew I would NEVER hurt him or James.
Did he? I hoped he did. They were my entire world. They both stole my heart and I never wanted it back. It no longer belonged to me anyway. But now that I had taken that leap, there was no going back on my part. He pretended to be the same, but I saw him brooding and I knew he'd been avoiding me. Earlier in the day, Edward was supposed to meet me for his "snack", but he cancelled at the last minute. He had been cancelling a lot. I expected this would happen, but I just wished he would talk to me.
The sound of the elevator dinging brought me back to reality. It was almost 5 o'clock and time to go home. I had planned on picking up James, but Edward texted me to say he was able to pick up James from daycare after all.
"Well, I guess I better get moving," I said to Angela. I had worked with her for four years and we had become good friends.
Angela looked a little excited. She said earlier that she was going to dinner with her husband, Ben, after her shift ended. "See ya, Bell. Have fun tonight. I know I will."
I rolled my eyes for a dramatic effect. "Whatever, Ang. Ben is perfect, I know. Really, I do. Edward is spending the evening with J tonight. I'll be at home, alone, probably scrubbing my bathroom floor. Did I mention I'll be alone?" I said in an annoyed voice. Angela knew better, though.
"You better hurry then. Bathrooms won't wait forever," she said using her fingers to make air quotes when she said "bathrooms". I knew she was really talking about Edward.
"I'll see you in the morning, right?"
"Sure, sure," Angela replied. "Have a great night with your bathroom, Bella".
I looked at my watch again and it was time to leave. I really didn't want to be alone. I would miss my boys. Being at work had been a welcome distraction. When I was left to my thoughts, it was torture. I could see all the areas in my relationship with Edward that were changing… and not for the better. He had pulled away from me more than I had anticipated and it started to scare me. I thought it would be a few days, not a month. Was I wrong to push him?
Edward was going to leave me because I pushed him too far.
I was fucked.
I wanted to get home as quickly as possible as I felt the tears that pooled in my eyes. I didn't want to give him the chance to dump me if he saw me leave work at the same time he did. It would rip my fucking heart out. When I said I saw our future, I meant I had literally dreamed about our future. It was almost perfect and I didn't want to let go of my dreams. As I had told him the night before, I was "his girl". When I said that, I meant forever.
I pushed the doors open to the alley next to the hospital and headed to my car as fast as I could in the snow, trying to hold back my tears until I got home.
When I saw my car, I could no longer breathe. My worst nightmare had come true.
I stood there staring at the message on my car. "WE SHOULD TALK".
WE. SHOULD. TALK.
The three words that a rational person knew were always a bad conversation waiting to happen. Nothing good ever came from hearing, or reading in my case, those words.
I unlocked my car and frantically started to climb in, but I heard Edward call my name.
"Bella, wait."
I whipped around and prayed that he would get it over with quickly so I could go home and cry. It would hurt. Hell, I wouldn't have a heart left afterward. He could keep it. It had only ever belonged to him anyway.
"Hi," I whispered to Edward. "How was your day?"
"Bella, there's something I need to tell you. Something I should have said months ago."
Edward appeared to be nervous. Awkward even. Seeing him like that made me start to fidget with the keys I had been holding.
Band-aid, Edward. Just rip my heart out like it's a band-aid. I could handle it.
I hoped.
I looked up into Edward's eyes and that was a big mistake. I could see his determination to get it over with.
"It's okay, Edward. I understand. This was too much for you." I said, trying to get on with it.
"B, please let me say this. I need to say this."
I looked down at my feet. I was too scared to keep eye contact while he ripped my heart out.
"Bella, I hope you know how special you are to me and James. You have been nothing but great to him. It's been amazing to watch how much you love him because we both know you never had to. You just did." What the fuck? Couldn't he just stop fidgeting and say the words? Just spit it the fuck out. I needed to get out of there and lick my wounds.
Edward started playing with the zipper on his coat again. It was a nervous twitch. He always did it when he didn't know how to say something. It made me tense up even more.
"I don't think I have ever felt this way about a woman. We just fit together on every level. The sex is amazing, of course, but it's so much more than that. I feel like you get me."
What? Did he have to make this harder on me? Please, just let me go. I started looking around to see my escape routes. Damn it. Why did he have to do this in public?
He continued to zip and unzip his coat. "You know when to push me forward and when to just let me be. No one has ever understood me that way. They've always thought I was an asshole for being reserved with my feelings or too focused on other things in life besides a romantic relationship."
Seriously, what the hell was he trying to say? I felt like pushing him. But not in the way he was implying.
"You have shown me how to love someone and that expressing love doesn't make me weak. I wanted to tell you I loved you. No, I need to say I love you. I'm sorry I've been such a dickhead and haven't actually said it before now." Edward lifted my chin to make me look at him. "Actions don't always speak louder than words, especially in this case, so please know that I love you with all my heart and soul, Isabella, and plan to keep it that way - forever".
At that point I was speechless. I didn't know what to say.
Edward took a deep breath and released it. "I love you, Bella."
"Edward, you don't just have to say it. I'm okay with just knowing you love being with me," I sighed.
I continued, "Don't say something just because you think it's what I want to hear," I said as I started to cry. I didn't want to cry here.
"Baby, don't. Stop. I love you and I love saying it. I feel so fucking happy right now. You make me happy. Hell, you even make James happier than I do." Edward smiled as he wiped my tears away. "I talked to him about it. He told me he wants you to be his Mama. We want you in our lives, Bella. Not just today, but always."
Edward kissed me lightly on my forehead. "We want you forever. You complete us. You, Isabella Marie Swan, are the reason we are a family."
All I could do was stand there and stare at him in shock. Where the hell did that come from? Was he the same man that had been a grouch and avoided me as much as possible the last few weeks? I knew he loved me, but I never thought he would take a leap this big at all once. He wanted to be a family, too. I just wanted his love any way I could get it. This was ultimately what I wanted.
"Bella? Say something. Please?"
Finally I came to my senses and jumped into his arms. "Oh God, Edward, I love you, too." Then we kissed with every ounce of love we had for each other.
I couldn't believe it. Ten minutes before I had planned on crawling into my bed and disappearing for days, but I was in the arms of the man who loved me instead. Edward loved me.
"I'm sorry it's taken me so long to tell you. I've always felt it. I know what I want and I'm not giving up until we get there. I'm sorry that I'm such a douche. I wish I could rewind time and go back to the day you left the letter and tell you then that I loved you. I will never forgive myself for causing you more tears. I plan to tell you every day for the rest of our lives that I love you. I promise, Bella."
Edward was confident for the first time as he spoke, pulling me closer to him.
"I want it all, Bella. I want you to move in with us. You belong with us. Without you we are just two lost souls searching for our missing part." Edward kissed my forehead and then he looked into my eyes. "You will be my wife someday, Bella. We will make babies together. I'll even buy you a dog if you want one; God knows James has been begging us for one." He laughed as he pulled me in even closer. "But we just can't live another second without you."
Edward kissed me with every ounce of love he had. "Please, baby, say you'll move in with us. We both love you so much."
"Yes, of course I will, Edward. Wherever you and James are is home to me anyway. My apartment has been a place I store my things. You're where I chose to store my heart."
After we kissed, groped each other, and almost gave someone walking down the street a free show, I slipped in my car as my mind dreamed about what was in our future. There was so much to think about, but when I had said "Yes!" to Edward, there were three things I was absolutely positive about.
One, snow was fucking magical.
Two, white picket fences were in our future.
And three, "We should talk" could be a very good thing.
A/N: What'd you think about Hippie C? We seriously loved writing him. Jessica gave us some feedback early on and jadsmama ran with it and then out of nowhere*BOOM* Hippie C was born.
Jessica1971: You were very brave for taking on not one, but two first time writers. We can't thank you enough.