This story was written for two CMDA challenges: Modern Day AU and Self-insert. I started to write it in November last year. I believe I reached a whole new level of procrastination, with this story. It would never be finished without frequent poking of Bloodsong. She even made a wonderful picture for this story. Check it here: bloodsong13t. deviantart art/ Airam-and-Zevran-Shower-353779576 (delete spaces). Thank you, my friend.

And big thanks to Seika, for all her help and support.

For those who haven't read it at CMDA it means that this story will be updated again tomorrow and again on Tuesday and will be actually finished quickly, unlike the rest of my projects. ^^;

Day One

It was a normal evening, like so many others. I was writing the final chapter of the DA mystery story… well, trying to write. It wasn't going well at all. For two and half hours now, I would write a sentence, frown at it, decide it's pathetic, take a 'short break' and try again. So far I managed to finish a new morph, to select few pictures for a crazy gif as a punishment for certain insolent elven carpenter, play the silly match-three game with candied fruit and to decide that I hate clumsy Ezio and want to support the Templars, for a change.

And I still had only one sentence of the story.

With a deep, melodramatic sigh I crawled out of the sofa and decided to have a cup of Granko (granulated cocoa powder, one of the few reasons I still haven't emigrated across the ocean), and to turn on the TV. Maybe if I heard enough morbid and depressing things in news, it would inspire my writing.

But what I've seen in TV wasn't usual mix of tragedies, crimes, and political idiocy.

"Two masked teenagers, apparently under the influence of alcohol or drugs, are causing havoc in the downtown," said the reported with an enthusiastic grin. "A car almost hit the traffic lights when they ran in front of the driver; the man is still in shock and was taken to the nearby hospital of Saint Ladislav; the doctors say he is not injured, but he is still confused, repeating that they 'appeared out of thin air' . He is convinced that they are aliens."

"What is the world coming to? Such indecency! It's all fault of all those terrible movies, there's no proper thing in TV these days," screeched an elderly gentlemen standing right behind the reporter.

"It's all because of computers! Today young people do nothing else but staring at the screen of those things, they don't care about sports any more, they spend their lives at that youbeto, and faycebok! No wonder they turn all crazy from it!" added a very proper old lady with the hat and gloves that were old fashioned seventy years ago.

I rolled my eyes and wanted to change the station, when the reporter announced,

"We managed to get the picture of the two bizarre delinquents taken by one of the citizens on his cell phone."

The cup fell from my hand, hit the table, broke the handle, and the milk dripped in big, fat, brown drops on my brand new carpet; but I hardly noticed.

The faces staring at me from the screen belonged to Zev and Air.

oOo

Half an hour later, I was in the mall with my shocked best friend, buying hoodies, trousers, sunglasses, and sneakers.

"You're crazy. It can't be them," Lucy repeated for the millionth time, randomly picking two pajamas, socks and a pack of underpants–at least she didn't ask me for the size, this time.

"I know. But it is them," I replied, also for the millionth time, walking over to the cash desk as quickly as I could without looking as a thief. "We must find them."

"And how do you want to do that?" she insisted. "They could be anywhere!"

"I don't know! I just hope that whatever power brought them here will now take me to them. ASAP!"

Lucy rolled her eyes and took few things from me. "Did I say you're crazy? I take it back. You're absolutely insane. And I must be insane, too. I'm going with you, and I'm paying this."

We took the taxi to the place the reporter said they first dropped "out of the thin air", but we had no idea what to do next.

"You know them best. What would they do?"

I stared at Lucy. What would they do? What would they do. What would they do! The question echoed in my hopelessly empty brain.

"Calm down and focus," she ordered. "Imagine you're writing this as a story. What would Zev do? He'd probably want to protect his crazy mage, right?"

"Yeeeessss." I hesitated. "Zev would… It depends how far in the story they are–how long he's been training Air, you know, as an assassin… If Air already knows how to hide himself in shadows, they'd both do that, and they would sneak around until they found a place where they wouldn't stand out so much. But if Air doesn't know it yet–"

"Let's assume he does. It makes things easier," Lucy cut in. "Now. Which place could that be?"

"No idea. Maybe… a nightclub? But I don't know any… it's been ages since I cared for such things."

"Then we'll have to search for them in any club we find," she decided.

oOo

I wouldn't know there were so many clubs in the city. I thought there would be two or three, and that we'd be over quickly–and, in truth, I didn't believe we would find them. Eleven clubs and three hours later, however, we entered a little side alley and discovered a pub with the flashiest sign I've ever seen. "Seventh Level," it said. A gay club. We've been in two gay clubs before, but this one was... clearly different. We looked at each other.

"Yes," I said. "I bet they're there. But I'm not going in."

"You're writing about gays, remember?"

"And that's why I didn't have a problem entering into Angels," I snapped. "But this… and it's almost midnight! I'd like to survive this, thank you very much."

"But if they're in there, maybe they'll protect you," Lucy said. "And you can't abandon them! If it's really them, then this world must look like the worst nightmare. What kind of a heartless mother are you?"

"They're not my kids," I protested, but she was right–I couldn't abandon them now. "All right, but you're going with me," I said, grabbing her hand so that she couldn't change her mind at the last minute.

And I immediately knew we were in the right place. The outfits those guys were wearing… Zev and Air would be the mundane ones.

Of course, everyone turned to stare at us. The barman was the first one to recover from shock. "Is there any way I can help you, ladies?" he asked in a sweet tone, batting his eyes. If they were here, I'd kill Zev for dragging my Air into a place like this!

"Looking for friends," I said.

"And I already see them!" Lucy said with a smile. I turned to the direction she pointed, and sure enough, there they were. They were wearing long coats and ridiculous leather peaked caps–better not to think how they got them–but Air's white skin was too distinctive. It seemed Air wanted to bolt out and run away, but Zevran calmed him down. My heart broke over my poor, innocent mageling.

We went over to their table. Zevran flashed his most seductive smile at us, but his eyes were cold and wary, as if he was deciding if he should kill us or not.

"Is there something you wished from us?" he asked.

I looked at Lucy but she shrugged. "I helped you to find them. But the explanation is up to you."

"Thank you very much," I mumbled. "Well… first of all, we're not enemies, Zev. So keep your daggers hidden, all right?"

His eyes widened. "How do you know my name?"

"I know you. Zevran Arainai, the former Antivan Crow. And Airam Surana, an ice mage, son of Alim and Siwat, brother of little Mellit, grandson of Aadishwara–"

Airam's eyes widened. "Who are you? How do you know of them?"

"I know a lot about you, Air. My name is Lucia, and this is also Lucia, my best friend. There's no need to worry, I swear. So please, let me help you, all right? I got some clothes for you. Go to the toilets–"

"You think they'll find it? I mean, there's no such thing in Ferelden, is there?" Lucy cut in.

"True. And they better not ask for directions at this place." Several horrible images popped in my mind, all of them featuring men ogling Air and making a dirty comment, right before falling down on the ground, with a dagger protruding from their backs, or with their throat slit.

"Let's pay and get out of here," Lucy agreed. "I'll call the taxi."

I paid a surprisingly low bill, and few moments later, I had two startled elves, staring at the cab as if it was a Fade demon. It's a wonder Zevran didn't slit my throat, as I pushed them inside. And even bigger that the driver didn't call a police.

oOo

Unfortunately my friend had to go home after that, as she had an important meeting next day... with a potential mother in law. At least it was the weekend. Hopefully I would find some way to get them back to Ferelden before going back to work on Monday.

The first thing Air did when he entered my flat was wrinkle his nose and complain it smelled of sour milk. Ungrateful brat. But his smugness disappeared the moment I turned on the lights. His eyes widened and he closely examined the switch, turning the lights on and off and on again.

"What kind of magic is this? How is it possible the spell works without you casting?"

"Stop touching it, Air. It could be dangerous," Zevran warned him, looking nervously around him.

"It's not a spell, and it's safe. Now, come, I'll make you something to eat, you must be hungry–"

"We won't eat anything," Zevran cut in. "Air, I think we should go. This is too dangerous."

"Don't be dumb," I said. "This is not Thedas, if you haven't noticed it yet. You don't have much of a chance here without my help."

"We've got money. At least I think it's money. So don't worry, we'll manage," said the ungrateful brat, finally leaving the switch be.

"What do you mean, you have money? Where from?" I glared at him, but he just shot an apologetic look at Zev and didn't reply.

"Come on guys, this is serious. The police are already looking for you because of problems you caused in the high town; you're lucky no one was hurt. If you robbed–or killed–Andraste's sweet ass, Zev! Tell me you didn't assassinate anyone!"

Airam looked from one to another. "He didn't. We–"

"Don't talk to her, Air," Zevran snapped strictly and dragged Airam closer to himself. "Let's go."

I ran to the door and leaned on them. "Zevran, have sense. It's adorable that you want to protect my–I mean Air. But this is whole different world. Elves don't exist here. And neither do mages. But instead, we have things and weapons you can't imagine in your wildest nightmares. Daggers won't help you, and if anyone gets a hint of Air's magic… I'm afraid to even think what would they do to him. So please, let me help you. You're safe here. I'll give you food and shelter and I'll try to figure out how to bring you back home safely. And I don't want anything in return. I just want you to be safe."

Airam hesitated and turned to Zevran. "I think we can trust her, Zev. I don't know why, but I have a feeling I know her. She won't harm us, I'm sure of it."

"Of course I won't harm you! You're my… uh… protégés, shall we say. But I'd prefer to talk about that over a cup of a hot chocolate, if you don't mind."

Perhaps it was the promise of hot chocolate, but Zevran finally stopped glaring at me in the assassin-y manner. I knew that giving my boys a sweet tooth would come in handy, one day.

oOo

They insisted they knew how to use the bathroom. Until they saw it. Explaining to them how to use the shower stall and the toilet had to be one of the most awkward experiences in my life.

Zevran managed to take the shower without any major accident, if you don't count him coming to the kitchen without as much as a towel, asking if he couldn't sleep naked, instead. I finally managed to convince him to get into the bedroom and put on his pyjama, when the loud sound of the radio exploded from the bathroom, followed by a shriek and a hit.

Zevran bolted out of the room, almost throwing the door off the hinges, still half naked. I'll leave to your own imagination to guess which part of pyjama he was missing. "Air! Are you all right? What happened?"

Airam was standing in front of the bathroom, in a fighting pose and with a faint white aura around his hand. At least he had enough sense to wrap a towel around him.

"There are demons!" he declared. "I heard them! I wanted to press the button to make water disappear again and they started talking to me, in a weird language–"

"It's not weird!" I protested, quickly turning away. Zevran turned away, too. "And they were not demons. It's just a radio. It's... we use it to transfer voices to other people. For information, chitchat, songs... all kind of things. It's too complicated to explain, but they're just voices, not demons. Please, finish your cleaning and put your pyjama on, for the Maker's sake."

"Oh." Airam sounded embarrassed and I knew his ears turned bright pink. "About that. But, I… the bathroom is…"

"Let me guess. Frozen solid?"

"Not quite solid," he said. "It will unfreeze, eventually."

oOo

Finally they were both dressed. I must say I could see why Zev wanted to sleep naked. Zevran's was pale green with a print of tiny, pale pink hearts, and Airam's was yellow, with a bear and two fluffy ears sticking out of it on the top. Somehow, Lucy managed to pick the most girlish and childish pyjamas in the store–at the men's department. They were not happy, but, you know, those sullen faces made them even more adorable.

After Zevran carefully tasted the sandwiches and tea and forced Airam to drink a potion before touching them, they started eating and I went to check those coats they were wearing, trying to find any clues about who owned them.

Both of them were expensive brands, and brand new. In one of them I only found a dirty tissue and a half packet of chewing gums. In the breast pocket of the other one I found a purse. And in it over four thousand Euro, all in new, crispy notes of one hundred. No documents at all. Leave it to Zev to pick someone dirty rich, I thought, but I immediately realized one thing: dirty rich usually played dirty. Those guys were probably mafia. They would find us and kill us, first Zev then Air then me and then maybe my poor parents who live next door.

Good Lord, Maker and all other creative entities, how did I get myself into this mess? Don't get me wrong, I didn't love my boys any less than before, and I would do anything to help them… but in that dark moment, I honestly wished it was Sabhya who was transported from Thedas.

"Zevran. Tell me where and how you got those coats, now. Did you kill anyone?"

He glared at me, but at a nudge from Airam, he started talking after all. "No. We were sneaking around, trying to find some safe place to hide. As we neared another of those weird inns, the door opened and two very strong humans threw out a drunken man, then the next one. They were almost unable to stand on their legs, they had to support each other. And they had those long coats. People were staring at us, before, so I decided to take them. It was an easy enough job, they were too out to care. We put them on and sneaked away, until we saw the inn where you found us. We saw people going in there and it seemed there at least we wouldn't look so out of place. Then we saw people pay for their drinks using the paper slips we found in the leather pouch, so we figured out it was money. We were deciding on what to do next, when you appeared and dragged us here. You now. Who are you and how do you know about us?"

Here it was. An Hour of the Doom. How was I supposed to tell them they were not real, when they obviously were? But then Airam yawned. An excuse! I shook my head.

"Believe me, I also have a lot of questions. But it was a difficult day for all of us, and it's already very late. I suggest we go to sleep now and talk later. Okay?"

"Ohkaaaaaay," Airam yawned again.

Zevran wasn't convinced, but I was too tired to deal with a petulant assassin. "You didn't seem to think I was a threat when you walked in on me without any weapons. In the kitchen. If I wanted to kill you, I had the chance to butcher you right then and there."

"Truly?" A hungry black panther would give me a friendlier smile. "I think I can–"

"Wait, wait," Airam cut in. "You... were parading here naked? Where was I when that happened?"

Zevran shrugged. "At the tiny white latrine, I think. Why? Would you like to see it, too?"

"Maker, no!" Airam's ears turned pink again.

"You're not missing much," I said, and, ignoring Zevran's furious glare, moved to make up their bed.

Airam frowned. "But isn't this your bed? Where will you sleep? No, we can't accept this."

I smiled at him. "Don't worry about me. I'll sleep on the sofa–it's convertible."

It was clear he didn't understand what I said, so I showed them how it's done. They were both fascinated, especially Airam. They should have beds like that in the Tower, the rooms would be much less crammed–and it would be so easy to keep it neat! Crazy, lazy kid.

oOo

Airam was having nightmares.

Nightmares that I invented.

Damn it, the character development and faults and all! Why didn't I write a story where he and Zev had loving families, met on the holiday, fell in love at the first sight and lived happily ever after? So what if it would be AU and OOC? At least I wouldn't have to listen to Airam crying.

In the end I couldn't stand it. I sneaked into the bedroom. Zevran seemed to be sound asleep, snoring slightly. Still, I wasn't fooled. When you babysit kids of your twenty-two cousins, you learn to tell when someone is pretending to be asleep. And besides, I happen to know that Zevran doesn't snore. I sat on the Airam's side of the bed, and stroke his cheek.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. In Slovak, of course. If Zev got a slightest suspicion that I was the cause of the nightmares... no, better not think of that, or I would have the nightmares, too.

Unsure what to do and still feeling guilty, I hummed the lullaby I use to sing to my little niece. It worked like a spell. Airam calmed down–and the snoring stopped, too, for a moment.

"Good night, Zev," I whispered as I tiptoed back to my room, and the snoring stopped completely. But no daggers appeared, so I took it as a victory.

I checked the time–three a.m. Oh well. I took a pill for headaches, washed my face in cold water, opened a big bottle of coke and a pack of sour lemon drops, and turned on my laptop. I had to figure out how they came here and how they could return home. And there was only one way to do it.

I had to write it, of course.