Every breath was painful; just had to hold on, for letting go meant losing everything...walking forward, ever so gently, a little bit further. Not a single mark and yet the pain was definitely there. The injuries were internal. On her knees, she grieved. For what, that was uncertain. Perhaps a life lost, or something else no one knew about. Footsteps quietly approached the all too familiar room.
"It's getting late," the voice said. It sounded so far...but it was only a few feet away.
"Abby, come on." Oh, that was my name, she thought absently. Strong hands pulled her up. The smell of coffee, and sawdust. She knew that smell. She knew those hands. If only she could put a name to all the sensations. But the pain was so strong it blocked everything out.
"I'll take you home."
"Boss, I just got word from the hospital. Tim, he..." Abby held her breath. No, do not say it, she will surely die! Hard to breathe. It was getting so hard to breathe now. So, so hard...
"Tim is stabalized, boss." She knew that voice too but refused to put a name to it. There was no way this could be reality.
"Is Abby okay? She looks-"
"Dinozzo, not right now." Dinozzo? Who was Dinozzo? She turned to the man who had help her up earlier. Ice blue eyes were hardened with a warning gaze sharply to the right and behind her. She followed his gaze to see a kind man with a defeated look on his face.
Abby struggled to find words to say but nothing would come. She let out a sigh, the first noise she'd made in who knows how long.
"I'll go tell Ziva the news, then. At least he's not dead, right?"
Memories. She knew these people. They were her friends, her family. That man, what was his name...Tony? She stopped herself right there before the onslaught of reality could slam her in the face.
"Abs, let's go." She did not move, couldn't move. Her feet were frozen to the spot.
"Gibbs!" a new voice called. Ziva. And the other man was Gibbs. Her boss. One step at a time. So far, she hadn't come across anything painful.
"I am going to visit Tim. Is Abby coming?" Minutes later, she was standing in an elevator with Gibbs on the ride up.
One floor later, they were walking outside to where the cars were parked and waiting. But all of this was a sideline. She was highly aware of Ziva staring at her.
"I am worried about Abby," Ziva said. "She does not normally behave like this." Cannot lose...the fight...someone was shot-no, it was Timmy! A building was rigged with explosives, ten seconds on the clock, Timmy was inside, hurt and alone! I never got to tell him-
"She needs some time to think things through," Gibbs told her. "I'm going to get some coffee. Could you take Abby with you?" Ziva nodded and mumbled something in Hebrew. Abby felt herself being led to a car. She barely remembered being buckled or the car door falling shut with a loud bang.
"...doing the best they can, Abby, just try to remember that." Oh. Ziva was talking to her. Abby felt guilty for not paying attention, but the feeling was gone as soon as it came, leaving behind nothing. Absolutely nothing.
She tried, once again, to assure her friend, but no words would come. Something had stolen her voice, along with her heart, and that something was Tim McGee. The name caused her to wince. But that was all. It wasn't necessarily him that was causing the pain, but the fact that she might lose him. The longer he stayed in a half alive state the more possible it seemed.
"He will wake up," Ziva said. When had they gotten to the hospital? The waiting room? All this white...it made the room seem too bright for a place filled with so much dispair. The sick, injured, and dying, some may have even taken in their last breaths...Abby curled further inside herself as someone approached them.
"I see...are you two friends of Mr. McGee?" the man asked. Ziva nodded.
"We work with him. He is a dear friend to us," Ziva told him.
"Yes, well, my name is Dr. Higgenbott, and I am in charge of the ICU ward. Would you like to hear of your friend's condition before seeing him?"
"Yes, we'd like that very much."
"Ah, to start, he has multiple burn wounds, three broken ribs on each side of his ribcage, bruises on every surface of his skin, a gunshot wound in his stomach, and a slight concussion. Your friend is very lucky to be alive." Each thing that was wrong with him was like a punch in her gut. But at the word 'alive' something happened. Abby felt something very near to hope, but it didn't quite reach that form of happiness yet. She shoved the emotion away.
Not now. Things could still go terribly wrong...soon they made it to McGee's room. His face was pale and blank in sleep. Abby quietly approached him, tears streaming down her cheeks a few splashed onto McGee's lifeless form.
"Timmy," Abby breathed, speaking for the first time in twenty-four hours. "I know I said that I only loved you like puppies. But that is not true. That is far from true. I love you more than anything in the world. I want you to be the one I wake up with in the morning and think 'This is why I have no regrets in life.'
We have been playing that pretend game way too long, and I think it's time we went further than just best friends or brother and sister or friends with benefits. Our relationship is worth so much more than that, don't you know? We deserve more than what we've got now. I know it sounds selfish but it just is not enough for me, where we are today. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I love you, Timmy." Beeeeeeeeeep... Doctors rushed in to save the dying agent.
"Clear!" Abby was pulled away from the scene. In the hallway, she finally gave way to her emotions and sobbed on Ziva's shoulder. She cried and cried for the longest time. By the time all her tears were spent, the doctor had come back out. The whole time Ziva had been silent, trying to provide Abby what comfort she could. The doctor wandered off to another room, looking very somber.
"Abby, are you alright?" Ziva asked softly. "I've never seen you in so much...pain." Her voice cracked on the last word.
"Take me home. Please."
At home. In her bathroom. She felt safe in here. Hours had passed. It was nearly midnight. She lifelessly gazed at her mirror. A complete stranger stared back. She searched the medicine cabinet for the one thing that could help her...So sorry...A knife, two neat slashes across both wrists. Blood poured out onto the floor. The door banged open, the knife was thrown across the room. Abby was only vaguely aware of her wrists being wrapped up very tightly to stop the bleeding.
Twenty minutes later
McGee woke up, and in that moment he just knew something was missing. But what? Even though he was broken, everything was there...
"Tim, you won't like this..." He looked up and saw Ziva looked very, very worried. "Abby tried to commit suicide."
"Why?" McGee croaked. His throat felt dry, and very painful. It was hard to talk, hard to breathe even.
"Because she thought you were dead." The words were a huge blow somewhere in his chest, right where the heart should be. It was just like Romeo and Juliet, only in reverse.
"I'm...so thirsty. Could you-" Ziva handed him the cup of ice chips. They were a relief to his dehydrated body.
"I can't believe Abby would do such a thing," McGee murmured after a while.
"She loves you more than life itself," Ziva said.
"But why would that make her suicidal?" The agent hesitated. Clearly, she knew more than he did.
"I suppose she, quite literally, could not live without you." McGee shook his head, refusing to believe such a thing. There had to be a mistake of some kind.
"If it helps, I managed to save her just in time."
"Where is she?" McGee asked softly.
"I took her to Ducky. She's in autopsy right now, recovering." Ziva turned to leave the room.
"Ziva..." She looked at him. "Abby really loves me? More than puppies?" She looked confused for a moment, but then nodded.
Abby woke up knowing she had a problem. She loved too much, afraid she'd lose the ones she loved if she didn't. But it wasn't her fault. Not really. If you consider having lost so much in the past her own fault. Abby looked around, wondering why there was so much white here. A woman with brunette hair came forward. Then she knew it was all a dream, because by all means, Kate wouldn't have been there otherwise.
"Hi, Kate," Abby said.
"Abby, what have you done to yourself?" Kate asked in exasperation.
"I remember...a knife...and hoping it would help. But I did not mean to take things this far. I'm sorry."
"Still, I can't believe you would do such a thing! What would McGee think? Tony? Or even Gibbs? What would Ducky say once he saw you in this state?"
"I think Tim is dead," Abby said sadly.
"But you do not know for sure...rule three, remember?"
"I remember every rule Gibbs ever told me."
"So why didn't you double check?"
"I love him, Kate!" Abby shouted, leaping to her feet. "I love him, and there's no going back from that! I'll love him even if he gets married to some other girl, I'll love him if he doen't love me back, there's just no fighting it anymore!"
"So fight for him then," Kate said. "Don't give up like you just did." Kate vanished, and for a moment all Abby was looking at was just pure whiteness. She opened her eyes for real this time and found herself in autopsy.
"Abigail..." Ducky's face looked pained. Abby stared and stared and stared at him but, for once, had no idea what to tell him. She decided now was a good time to break rule six again.
"I'm sorry." It did not matter that her wrists were tied tightly in turniquients, or that Gibbs so happened to walk in. She hugged Ducky anyway, and found that it helped a little.
"What happened?" Abby bit her lip, feeling ashamed of her actions now. Gibbs walked over. He had no idea what she had done. Ducky provided the whole explanation, professional as always.
"Ziva told me that she walked in with Abigail covered in blood. She was holding a knife. Both of her wrists were sliced up pretty evenly and deeply. I am sure you can figure out what she tried to do." Gibbs abruptly smacked Abby upside the head. She gasped, startled. Gibbs had never done that to her before. Ducky stared at him, shocked into silence.
"Don't think I gave you permission to die, Abs." By the tone of his voice, she could tell that this worried him. So he was handling it the only way he knew how. The Gibbs way. Abby almost smiled at this.
"Won't happen again, Gibbs. I promise."
"It better not," he called over his shoulder, already leaving the room. Abby swung her legs over the side of the table, intending to make amends with one last person.
"Can you walk, Abby?" Ducky asked. Her head spun quite a lot from blood loss.
"With help," Abby admitted.
"Where are you planning to go?"
"I know visiting hours are probably over, but I'm pretty sure they can make an exception for you."
Bethesda Hospital- 0100 A.M.
McGee was exhausted. He couldn't keep his eyes open for much longer. Just as he was beginning to drift off to sleep, an angel appeared in the doorway.
"Timmy." The angel was Abby. How many angels did he know wear almost all black and call him 'Timmy' with that adoring tone of voice? She approached his bedside.
"How coul-" Abby held up a hand. McGee fell silent at once.
"I am going to get help, don't you worry. I came here to say I'm sorry for doing this to you. I just need to learn to let go of certain...things."
"What things?" McGee asked cautiously. She just shook her head and sighed, looking very close to tears. Whatever it was, it must have been something painful. McGee nodded in silent understanding. She'd tell him when she was ready.
"I'll let you get some rest," Abby said. She took a few steps back. McGee yawned. But there was still one last thing to say.
"Abby...Ziva told me that you love me. Is that true?"
"Yes, yes it is."
"Well, I want you to know that...I love you, too." At this, he just couldn't stay awake anymore, and collapsed into sleep. Abby smiled at him, then stepped out of the room and turned off the light. She'd get some help for herself. For him, because they deserved to be happy together, no matter what Rule 12 said. Being apart...it was worse for them than it was for Romeo and Juliet. So, they'd be together. Forever. Someday, for sure.
AN: Wow...that was pretty dark. I wasn't intending for all that to happen, but it just fit together so perfectly. At least I gave a glimpse of hope for the future...Let me know what you think of my first story with this rating.