Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. - Rainer Maria Rilke
No matter how she tries, Emily can't get used to this new world. This place where she cannot anchor herself, no matter how she tries. When she tries to move, the room spins. When she sits still, the room spins. So, really, it's not the pain that bothers her. She can handle pain, always could. It's the spinning. And, of course, it's the fact that she has to spend insane amounts of time sitting on her ass not doing anything strenuous, including, but not limited to, coughing, sneezing and bending down.
So she's stuck on her couch, watching hours of television and checking emails, but even that is hard. Mostly, she just tries to rest.
Technically, she could blame Derek for this. Technically, she should blame him. But it won't do any good to put the blame on his shoulders. An unsub on a four-wheeler was barreling toward them. What choice did Derek have but to use the MP5 at his disposal? She would have done the same thing if she weren't driving.
Unfortunately that left her with a ruptured eardrum that had refused to heal. She was in agonizing pain for two weeks. She had done everything right. Gone to the ER immediately. Rested. Still, the damn thing got infected. Still, she ended up needing surgery to patch the eardrum.
So now, here she is, recovering at home alone. She could have called her mother, but what good would that do? Emily's mother isn't the type who would sit with a sick child even if she had the time, which she doesn't. And Emily isn't sick, she reminds herself, even as the room tilts.
She doesn't tell her team, because this is minor. Because she doesn't need them making a big deal about it. She told Hotch because he needed to know. Outpatient surgery, not serious but necessary. Back at work in a few weeks. Don't worry. She knows if she had told him the real reason, he would have wanted to help. He had his own battle with acoustic trauma last year. He might have some tips. But she doesn't need them. She is okay.
On the second day, Emily is drowsy and tired. She hasn't showered since 4 AM the previous day, in preparation for the procedure. She has yet to change out of her sweats. Slowly, she reaches beside her for the instructions on aftercare for her ear. The line about needing someone to clean her incision had Emily groaning. She very nearly threw the papers, but the knowledge that she would have to bend down to retrieve them made her stop short.
She had a neighbor pick her up the day before and drive her home. But for this, Emily can't rely on someone she doesn't know. Something about unwinding the massive amounts of gauze from around her head… It makes her feel vulnerable. She needs someone efficient. Someone calm. Someone who wont make a big deal out of this, so she won't panic.
The thought of unwinding her own gauze makes her nauseous. It also could be lingering affects of the anesthesia but whatever the case, Emily is sure that getting sick is probably somewhere on the list of things that will cause damage to her ear.
Groping clumsily around her on the couch, she locates her phone and presses a button.
"JJ?"
"Emily? Are you okay? Garcia said you had to have some kind of surgery…"
"Wait. Aren't you guys supposed to be working?" she asks, intentionally keeping the focus on them.
"We're on a break. We're due for one. I think Hotch wanted to minimize the number of days we'd be down a member, so… Hey, do you need me to stop by? Want company?" she asks.
Emily breathes a sigh of relief. "Yeah, that'd be great."
She hangs up. Leans back. Shuts her eyes. She'll spring the surprise medical stuff on JJ soon enough. JJ has a stomach of steel anyway. She'll be able to handle it.
"My God, Emily…" JJ gasps when she walks in a half hour later. "You look like you just got back from a combat zone…"
Maybe it's the way she hobbles or uses every available surface to stay upright. Maybe it's the giant bandage on the side of her head. Emily really isn't sure, but she is grateful when JJ offers her an arm and helps her back to the couch.
"I'm fine," Emily denies. "I got my yogurt, I got my Vicodin. I'm good…"
JJ squats in front of Emily and speaks in a low, serious, no-bullshit tone that Emily appreciates. "What happened to you?"
"Tympanoplasty."
"Ear surgery…" JJ deduces. "For what- Oh, shit. Derek. Right?"
JJ remembers that day clearly. She and Reid relegated to stay behind while Hotch, Rossi, Derek and Emily handled the big guns. She had been fine with that. She remembered how pissed off her friend was when she announced loudly that Derek blew out her eardrum. But she had seemed to do okay. JJ guesses she needs to hone her powers of observation a little more. JJ has it on good authority that Emily copes in a way different from the rest of them. She is more like a man. She will tough it out. They are similar that way, except that Emily manages it ten times more efficiently than JJ.
"Yeah. Do me a favor and don't tell him? I'll come up with something."
"Yeah, no. Don't worry…I won't say anything. Damn it, Emily if I would have known, I could have been here for you. Who brought you to the hospital for it?"
"Some lady…" Emily mumbles.
"God…" JJ moans. "Do you hurt? I mean… What can I do?"
"No, I just need you to take this off," Emily gestures vaguely to the mound of tape over her ear. "And then, like, clean the stitches… Just hydrogen peroxide and Neosporin. It's in the bathroom cabinet."
"Okay… Are you okay here?" JJ wonders, hesitating.
"I've been on my own since yesterday. I'm not an invalid," Emily snaps.
JJ smiles incongruously. This is the Emily she's used to. She gets up, retrieves the supplies, and gets to work unwrapping.
"This is ironic…It could have so easily been Hotch, after that explosion…but it's you…"
"Thanks for reminding me," Emily says, no malice in her tone. She moves her head away slightly, nervous again.
"Does it hurt?" JJ presses. "I'm trying to be as gentle as I can, okay?"
"I know," Emily answers shortly. "Just get it done."
So JJ takes a deep breath, and does as she's asked.
It takes Emily a while to notice that JJ has come over with a go-bag. It's tossed in one corner, out of the way, probably so Emily won't notice it. The thing is, even on these wonderful painkillers, Emily is observant.
JJ's in the kitchen making something that Emily won't have to chew when Emily calls her out. "You're not staying."
"Oh, I think I am," JJ says a note of mothering authority in her tone. "You need that done to your ear every day, and you're not doing it to yourself…." she denies, coming in with a bowl of honest-to-God homemade mashed potatoes. "Here. Eat and don't argue with me."
"Mmm…" Emily manages, taking a bite, and speaking around a mouthful. "I was thinking I might end up killing you because roommates irritate the hell out of me…but I might have to reconsider if you keep making potatoes…"
"Sorry…" JJ whispers, smiling and not sorry at all.
JJ stays for a week, making herself at home. She helps out, cooking, cleaning and making sure Emily gets plenty of time to relax. She keeps in touch with Will and Henry via Skype, talking Will through exactly where Henry might have hidden his pager, and listening as her two-year-old explained everything he does each day. She even reads him the book she'd brought along, used to being a mother from a distance.
She drives Emily to her post-op appointment and sits nearby as the doctor suctions packing out of Emily's right ear. After that, JJ stops by regularly to visit. She gets used to walking on Emily's left side in loud environments, since her other ear isn't used to distinguishing softer sounds in a louder place.
When Emily returns to work after so much time at home, she finds the world steadier beneath her. While her hearing is still less than 100%, her eardrum has healed. It will just take time now. Loud sounds still hurt, which means she is in agony when she has to shoot her own gun, or even, raise her own voice, but she gets used to it.
She is playing cards with Reid, trying to get over her lost weekend of doing absolutely nothing. Emily has put it out there that she intended to go to Atlantic City and indulge in a Sin to Win weekend just to see how the team would react. Derek hasn't been able to let it go, and that's how Emily prefers it. Let him get caught up in figuring that out, and forget that she's been out for a month.
Reid, of course, has to interest in sin to win. He also never forgets anything. So when she hears him ask why she needed surgery, how it went and how she is feeling, Emily barely blinks.
"I had a lot of ear infections growing up," she says. The lie slides of her tongue easily.
"Did you really?" he asks intrigued. "Because it seems like your operation coincided pretty closely with the case in Terlingua, when-"
JJ shows up then, walking up behind Emily and then over to Reid. She sends Emily a warning look. "You'd better draw something good. He never loses. Oh wait…except to me, that one time." She smiles to herself reveling in the single victory, the game of gin from at least three years ago.
"Yeah, yeah… Enough comments from the peanut gallery," Reid chides, throwing a pretzel JJ's way to stop the heckling.
JJ catches the pretzel, and Emily catches JJ's hand in her own, giving it a brief squeeze before she can continue down the aisle.