I love Toby and Paige's friendship and I've had the basic idea for this story for a while, but it seemed to fit perfectly after the events of 'A Christmas Car-roll'. This episode has inspired a lot of new fanfics! I hope you enjoy this one. All comments welcome, thank you kindly.
LATE
"Yeah, I found it, it was under the couch like I thought. Yeah… yeah… Ok, I'll pick up some bagels for breakfast on the way home. See you soon, darlin'." Toby clicked off his phone and tucked it in the back pocket of his jeans.
The garage was in darkness. It was early on Christmas morning, but Toby had barely had any sleep. The day before had been fraught with emotion and even though he knew Walter was going to be OK, he still couldn't help going over and over the events in his head.
A sudden noise interrupted his thoughts. It came from the loft and sounded like something being knocked to the floor. No one should have been here, Walter was still in the hospital and Paige hadn't shown any signs of leaving his side when the rest of the team had finally left last night. Toby's heart started pounding and, impulsively, he dived under his desk, stifling a high pitched shriek. "Collins…" he whispered under his breath. No, no, no…it couldn't be. Not on Christmas Day. Toby tried to slow his heart rate so he could think clearly.
A light clicked on in the loft. Then footsteps. Toby didn't dare look.
"Hello?"
"Paige!" Relief washed over him and he bumped his head on the underside of his desk in his hurry to scramble out and get to his feet.
"Toby? What are you doing?"
"I… I thought you were Mark Collins," Toby explained, dusting himself off.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," replied Paige, walking across from the stairs to join him. "I was just, um, I was upstairs."
"In the dark? On your own?" Toby queried. It wasn't normal behaviour for Paige, but she had been through a huge shock the day before so he didn't worry about it too much. "I thought you'd have stayed at the hospital."
"They sent me home," she explained. "This scary nurse said Walter needed to rest and I was a distraction."
"I'd like to have been a fly on the wall when you unleashed the famous Dineen counteroffensive," grinned Toby.
"Actually, I agreed with her," explained Paige. "Walter was exhausted and the chair in that room was really uncomfortable, so I left."
"And you came here," noted Toby. "You didn't go back to your place."
"No, no I guess I didn't," agreed Paige, suddenly aware of the significance of her decision. She turned away from Toby and started to tidy papers on her desk.
Immediately Toby sensed something else was wrong. She was still very shaken after Walter had almost died – they all were – but her reaction told him there was more to it than that. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, gently.
"About yesterday? No, I'll be OK, I just want to get back to him," she replied quickly. "What are you doing here anyway?"
"I lost my phone, tracked it back here," Toby explained, deciding to go along with her obvious deflection for now. "It was under the couch, I guess I dropped it in all the excitement."
Paige barely responded. She said nothing apart from a quiet, "Hmm."
Toby thought for a second and then, without saying a word, he darted over to Paige's desk and wheeled her chair across the floor, parking it in front of his bemused friend. Then he pulled his own chair out a little and sat himself down. He looked up expectantly at Paige. "The doctor will see you now," he said.
It took Paige a moment to realise what he meant. "Oh, no, I don't need…" she began, but she couldn't seem to finish her sentence.
Toby took off his hat and placed it on his desk, then he turned back to Paige. "Then how about a chat with a friend instead?" he suggested. "Maybe it's the light, but you're throwing out all kinds of markers right now."
"I… I'm OK, Toby," she insisted. "Thank you, but honestly, I'm fine. I just want to head back to the hospital. You should get back to Happy, it's Christmas Day."
"I can't just leave you like this," Toby replied. "Besides, hospital visiting hours don't start until the nurses have finished the morning medication run. Come on, sit down." His final command was gentle, but firm.
Paige let out a breath and obeyed his instruction. She tried to make herself comfortable on the chair, crossing and then uncrossing her legs and adjusting the seat height, but it was no good. "I… I don't really know if you can help," she began, nervously.
"Of course I can," Toby reassured her. "One way or another, whatever it is. Now, just try to relax. You're starting to make me nervous now," he added with a grin. "I'm still a little jumpy from thinking Collins was about to leap out of the shadows and kick me in the gooty!"
Paige attempted to match his expression, grateful for the moment of light relief, but her grin quickly faded. "OK," she began. "This is a professional consultation, though, so you can't tell Walter."
"Paige, you know I wouldn't."
"Yes, yes, I'm sorry, of course," replied Paige. Her head was spinning now and she was actually grateful that Toby was here. She had to tell someone about this before it drove her crazy. "I'm late."
"Late? Oh," Toby realised what she was talking about. "How many days?" he asked.
"Four, or five now, I guess, if I don't come on today," Paige replied, flexing the fingers of her right hand before balling them into a tight fist. "Could be… I mean, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm pregnant though, because…" she trailed off. It was less of a question and more begging for him to put her mind at rest.
"Has this happened before?"
"Once, a few years ago when I was recovering from a nasty viral infection," Paige answered. "It knocked me down for over a week. I just threw toys and food at Ralph and stayed in bed. I was five days late, I think. I've been regular ever since."
"That kind of thing can affect your menstrual cycle," Toby confirmed. "Do you have any symptoms now?" He reached over and pressed the back of his hand to her forehead. "No sign of a fever," he noted.
"I feel fine," she replied. "Physically, at least," she clarified with just the hint of a wry smile.
Toby studied her for a moment. She was clearly struggling to come to terms with what this all might mean, but she wasn't giving him a lot to go on. It was beginning to feel like an interrogation instead of a consultation, but if this was how she wanted it this was how it would be, for now at least. "Contraception?" he asked.
"I'm on the pill," she replied, twisting her fingers together tightly in her lap as she spoke.
"And you've had no issues with that?" Toby queried. "Side effects?"
"None," she confirmed, shaking her head.
"And you remember to take it regularly?"
"Toby, I'm not a genius, but I can remember to take a pill every day," she retorted, finally looking Toby in the eye.
"I know, I'm just being thorough," replied Toby. He sat back in his chair and exhaled. "I take it you haven't mentioned this to Walter yet."
"No, God, no," Paige answered him quickly. "And I can't now, can I. Not while he's lying in a hospital bed recovering from a serious head injury."
Of course she wouldn't have told him last night, Toby conceded, but she hadn't told him the day before, or the day before that either. This did go some way to explaining her behaviour yesterday morning before Walter's accident, he realised. The rest of the team had been mad with Walter for trying to make them work on Christmas Eve – Happy had come close to actually hitting him – but Paige had seemed to take the whole situation in her stride. She had appeared little more than mildly annoyed at the prospect of spending Christmas without Walter. Toby had thought it was a little odd at the time, but had been so keen to get his wife out of there that he had thought little more of it.
"Have you actually taken a pregnancy test?" Toby asked her. He understood that this turn of events would be very difficult for her to process after Walter's accident yesterday, but he was a little taken aback at the level of emotional turmoil Paige had reached over it all. He assumed it was an unplanned pregnancy, if indeed she was pregnant at all, but the fact that the prospect had shaken her so badly was concerning to him.
Paige shook her head. "Not yet," she answered, her voice barely louder than a whisper.
Toby frowned and leaned forward again. "Why not?" he asked.
Paige blew out a long, slow breath while she considered her answer. The truth was she couldn't really explain it herself. "The home tests aren't always accurate, right? And… and I haven't had time to get to the store…" She trailed off and shrugged, realising he could see straight through her excuses. "I guess I don't want to know," she began. "We're not ready… Walter's not ready," her voice hitched.
"Paige, there's no point tying yourself up in knots over this until you know for sure," he said. "Take a test, I have one here." He reached across to his desk drawer and slid it open.
"You have?" Paige was momentarily surprised, but then the realisation dawned on her and she gasped, clamping her hand over her mouth. "Oh, Toby, I'm sorry!" she exclaimed. "Oh, God, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be landing this on you. Not when you and Happy… I mean… I'm so sorry."
Toby smiled at her and placed the small, white box on the desk in front of her. "It's OK, Happy and I are doing just fine. This isn't about us, it's about you and Walter."
"But… but… oh no, this is all wrong," Paige pushed the box back across the desk to Toby. "This is for Happy. I can't take this." She got to her feet. "I should go, I promised Walter I'd pick up some food, he hates hospital food," she said, but she didn't actually make a move to leave.
"Paige, you need to do the test," urged Toby. "Then we can talk about something tangible." He held out the box again.
Paige gingerly reached out and took it from him, a little shocked at how much her hand was trembling. She stared at the box, attempting to read the instructions, but none of the words seemed to be making any sense. "I'll wait, I'm sure I'll be OK," she said. "It's probably just stress."
"It's true that stress can mess with your cycle," agreed Toby.
"Cabe's trial," nodded Paige. "It's been a difficult few weeks for all of us. I've been trying so hard to keep it together, I guess this is my body's way of paying me back."
Toby stood up and placed a gentle hand on her forearm. "Take the test. I'll come with you," he said. "I don't mean right into the bathroom, that might be kinda weird," he added with a grin. "I'll wait outside."
Paige allowed herself a tiny laugh. "Thank you," she said. "But I really don't think I'll bother. Maybe if my hormones haven't sorted themselves out in a couple of days I'll take a test, but I'm good for now."
Toby sighed. "Paige, this is taking stubborn to a whole new level," he said. "Just look at yourself, you're shaking with the effort you're putting into pretending this isn't happening!"
Toby was right and Paige knew it. She took a deep breath, hoping it would steady her nerves, but it didn't seem to make any difference. "I… I don't know why…" she began, her voice suddenly quiet. "I didn't realise… I can't really explain why I'm feeling like this."
"I can," replied Toby. "But let's wait until we know the result of the test, then we'll talk."
Paige nodded and sighed. She grasped the little white box so tightly that the edges began to crumple. "OK," she breathed.
"Paige, go pee on the stick!" Toby prompted, throwing his arms in the air in frustration.
"OK, OK," replied Paige and together they walked to the downstairs bathroom.
Toby sat on the floor outside and waited for Paige to emerge. He couldn't help but wish it was Happy in there, but so far their attempts at Operation Baby Quintis had failed. He knew they hadn't been trying to get pregnant for long and there was no reason why they wouldn't have success in the next few months, but for a fleeting moment he lamented the unfairness of it all. Paige and Walter hadn't been trying for a baby, but now there was a possibility this was yet another thing Walter could claim he was better at than Toby.
After what seemed like hours, the door of the bathroom finally opened. Toby jumped to his feet and raised his eyebrows expectantly.
Paige hesitated for a moment before shaking her head. "I'm not pregnant," she said. "Thank God… I'm not pregnant!"
Toby waited for a moment before speaking. "And… and how do you feel about that?" he asked eventually.
"Relieved," she replied, almost under her breath. Then tears sprung to her eyes, taking her by surprise, although Toby had been expecting it. "I nearly lost him yesterday…" she said, her breathing coming in gasps. "If you hadn't been there, Toby… I can't… I can't lose him!" Suddenly she was overcome with emotion and she fell into Toby's arms.
"Sshhh, it's OK," he tried to soothe her, as he held her tightly, but the sobs still came. He knew it would do her good to release some emotion and he gently rubbed the small of her back until she could regain some of her composure.
A short while later the sun was streaming in through the large windows and filling the garage with light. Paige sat on the sofa, drying her eyes with a tissue and Toby handed her a mug of hot tea. "It's chamomile," he explained. "Sly keeps a stash in his desk. Helps to calm his nerves."
Paige took the mug and gently blew across the top to cool the tea. "Thanks," she said. Her voice was still a little shaky, but Toby was pleased to see she was much calmer than she had been ten minutes ago. "Toby," she began. "I… I don't want you to think… I mean, I am so relieved that I'm not pregnant right now, but that doesn't mean I never want to be."
"I get it," Toby reassured her as he sat down next to her on the sofa. "The timing would have been all wrong," he added, but he knew that was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
"Yes, exactly," confirmed Paige. She took a sip of her tea. The warm liquid helped soothe her and she took another sip.
"Why do you think you didn't tell Walter about this?" asked Toby. She was calm enough now for him to start probing a little. He had figured out exactly why she was in such a state before when she thought she might be pregnant, but he could tell that she didn't understand it herself. The only way she was going to come to terms with why she'd reacted in such an extreme way was if he forced her to face a few things. It wasn't going to be pretty, he acknowledged to himself, but it was necessary.
"I don't think he's ready for our relationship to jump to that stage yet," Paige tried to explain. "Parenting, I mean. He's only just learning how to be my boyfriend, Toby."
"He has an excellent teacher," noted Toby. "And he is learning so much from you about being a good parent to Ralph."
"That's different," insisted Paige, sipping at her tea again. "He's taken Ralph under his wing and I love him for that, but Ralph came with me. He was part of the package. Walter knew that when we got together. A new baby now would be… I don't know that he'd know how to process those emotions."
Toby nodded. "You're right," he agreed. "But that doesn't mean you have to shut him out. How is he gonna learn if you don't teach him?"
Paige thought for a moment. She hadn't considered it that way before. "I… I guess," she replied, quietly.
Toby watched her drink her tea. Paige was usually so calm, she was the one who held the team together when they were all freaking out about whatever dangerous situation they found themselves in. She was the one who kept them all focussed. He'd never seen her react to anything in quite the way she had reacted to the idea of possibly being pregnant.
"Paige, Walter is not Drew."
Paige let out an audible gasp. "I know!" she exclaimed. "Toby, why would you say that?"
"He would never abandon you, Paige," added Toby, his voice full of compassion.
"He… he almost did yesterday," Paige's voice hitched as she spoke. She looked straight at Toby and he could see the raw fear in her eyes. "He takes too many risks, Toby. I know we take on dangerous missions, but he can be stupidly reckless. What if I really was pregnant? What if he'd died yesterday…" she paused and forced her emotions into check. "What if he'd died and I'd found out I was pregnant today?"
"He tripped down the stairs, Paige, it was an accident," Toby reminded her. "But I do understand what you mean. Look, it's what he does. It's part of who he is and I don't think you really want to change who he is. That stupidly reckless genius is the man you fell in love with."
Paige nodded. "But I would have been alone again."
Toby felt a huge amount of compassion for Paige. It wasn't often that she allowed anyone to see her so vulnerable, but the thought of losing Walter had shaken her to her core and she needed to work through her feelings. "Tell me about Drew," he said.
"What? No!" exclaimed Paige. "Stop talking about Drew! I don't want to talk about him!"
"You need to talk about Drew," insisted Toby.
"This has nothing to do with him, he's in my past."
"But what happened in your past has a huge influence on the way you think and behave in the present," Toby replied. "Tell me how you felt when he left you."
"Please, Toby," Paige begged. "I don't want to. Not now."
"You were scared," Toby prompted. "He left you alone with a child and you had no idea how you were going to cope."
Paige nodded slowly, resigned to the fact that Toby wasn't going to drop the subject. "Yes, yes, I was scared," she admitted. "But I pulled myself together. I had to, for Ralph."
"How did Drew react when you first told him you were pregnant?" asked Toby. "I don't know the guy that well, but my guess would be like a cowardly piece of scum?"
Paige frowned at him. "Toby, that's Ralph's father you're talking about," she said, defensively.
"Are you disagreeing with me?" Toby queried.
"No," replied Paige quickly. "Coward pretty much covers it, but scum is also accurate. He wanted me to, y'know, get a termination. I think that was probably the moment I knew it was over between us, I just wish I'd had the strength to tell him there and then instead of desperately holding onto hope for so long. And before you ask I know Walter would never put me in that position… would he?"
"Walter would do whatever he thought was best for you," Toby replied. "Drew was only thinking of himself."
Paige nodded slowly and another wave of emotion washed over her as she recalled those dark days. "I was so angry with him for leaving," she said. "I just knew I had to do everything for Ralph. I went hungry for days because I couldn't afford to feed us both. I used to hold him in my arms at night so he didn't get cold, but then I was so scared of falling asleep and something happening to my baby that I would force myself to stay awake all night." Tears starting running down her cheeks. "I know Walter would never allow that to happen again, so why…" Paige closed her eyes to finish her sentence. "Why was I so scared of telling him, Toby?"
"Because you still have a huge amount of guilt," Toby explained. "And until you stop punishing yourself for the things that Drew did to you, you're always going to be carrying the fear that it might happen again."
Paige's eyes snapped open and she stared at Toby. "I don't feel guilty," she insisted, wiping her eyes with her knuckles. "Drew was the one who abandoned us. I did everything I could for my son, I didn't run away from my responsibilities, I faced up to them."
"I know you did," said Toby, "but at the same time you blame yourself for Drew leaving. A part of you still wonders if you should've held that relationship together."
"Well, maybe I should have?" she pondered. "Maybe if I hadn't had to raise Ralph in an assortment of rat infested hell holes, maybe…" she trailed off, realising that Toby was right. She did blame herself, a little a least. "Is that really what I'm doing?" she asked him eventually. "Blaming myself for Drew?"
Toby nodded. "You were the strong one, so your psyche has convinced you that you were responsible for him as well as Ralph. You weren't, Paige." He paused to let his words sink in. "You need to realise that it's safe to let go of the past. You need to forgive yourself, because none of it was your fault. It was Drew's decision to be the biggest asshole on the planet."
"And Walter is not an asshole," noted Paige with a smile.
"He can be an arrogant, conceited, jerk sometimes, but he's no asshole," noted Toby.
Paige let out a slow breath. "Sometimes I wake in the night and just for a moment I think we're still in one of those rat infested rooms," she said. "I suppose that's the guilt, is it?"
Toby nodded. "Manifestation of guilt right there," he confirmed. "And fear, all rolled into one huge emotional punch in the gut."
"I can't ever go through that again," she said, her voice cracking. "I can't."
"You won't have to," promised Toby. "Look, if I've got Walter all wrong - which I very much doubt, although I'll admit the workings of his mind keep me on my toes sometimes - but say I've totally misread One Ninety Seven and he skips town the minute he hears the pitter-patter of tiny feet, you still have us. Me and Hap, Sly, Cabe, we're your family. You have a support network now."
"I had no-one," whispered Paige. "Sometimes I got so low I thought I'd never be able to fight my way back up."
"But you did," smiled Toby. "And you did it with honour and sincerity. And that, Miss Dineen, is why Walter loves you."
Paige was crying again now, but she was smiling through her tears. "Walter is a good father to Ralph, better than Drew could ever be."
"Sure is," agreed Toby. "So, are you going to tell him about this little scare?"
"When he's out of the hospital," replied Paige. "We should probably start talking about this kind of thing. We've only been together for a few months, but it's taken us so long to get here that sometimes I feel like we've been together forever."
"It wouldn't hurt to open a dialogue with him about your future," agreed Toby. "Don't frighten him with too much at once, just throw some ideas out there and see what kind of response you get."
"I will," replied Paige with a smile.
"And now I think you should give your doctor a call," said Toby. "She'll want to do some bloodwork, just to make sure your hormones haven't flipped out for any weird reason. I don't think you have anything to worry about, though. If I was still a betting man I'd put my money on you wearing the red badge of courage by tomorrow morning."
Paige screwed her nose up in disgust. "The red badge of…" She couldn't bring herself to repeat it. "Where do you get these things from, Toby?"
"Med school," he replied, casually. "And I have plenty more where that came from," he noted, waggling his eyebrows for emphasis.
Paige laughed and as they both got to their feet, Paige pulled a slightly startled Toby into a warm hug.
"Thank you," she said and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
"Well, that's not how any of my sessions with Cabe ended," he noted as she released him.
Paige laughed again, but then her face became serious. "I'm so glad you were here this morning. Thank you for listening to me and… and thank you for what you did for Walter yesterday."
"For making my wife drill a hole in his head, you mean?" asked Toby with a grin.
"OK, that sounds totally crazy, but yeah, that," she nodded.
"Glad I could help," he replied. "Come on, I'll give you a ride to hospital. It's still way before visiting hours, but I'll use my charm to get you in early."
"Your charm?" laughed Paige, following him towards the door.
"Well, maybe I noticed a few personal things on the nurses' station yesterday that I can use to get inside their heads," he admitted.
Paige smiled. "That's more like the Toby I know."
THE END.