Author's Note: I'm bending the time line slightly. In the episode "Ryan's Destiny" they show him receiving his Lightspeed jacket, but they don't really give us a standard for how much time has passed between the battle and the celebration with the jacket. So, for the sake of this story we'll say that a week passes between the battle and him receiving the jacket.
P.S. The song is by John Mayer from his album Continuum. Listen to it if you get the chance. It's really a beautiful song.
I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)
by angellwings
Ryan sighed as he watched Kelsey standing with the others. He still didn't feel like he belonged here. It was different than any place he had been before. It was warm, comforting almost. He didn't know what to do with that. He didn't know what to do with anything right now. He didn't really know any of these people. Dana was his sister, that's true, but he didn't know her. He'd been poisoned for far too long. He didn't know any of them, but Kelsey intrigued him. How did someone become that fearless? That outspoken, and well, just plain crazy.
He'd had more conversations with her than any of the other rangers. As hyper as she was she could still be a good listener. He had never met any one quite like her. He felt like a better person just by being around her, and that was something he needed at the moment. He had caused so much pain and suffering for Lightspeed and Mariner Bay that he needed to feel like he wasn't a completely demented person. Kelsey could do that. And he had no idea how.
Kelsey met his eyes and smiled at him through the group. She excused her self and jogged her way toward him excitedly.
No, I'm not the man I used to be lately.
See, you met me at an interesting time.
And if my past is any sign of your future,
You should be warned before I let you inside.
Hold on to whatever you find, baby.
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find, baby.
I don't trust myself with loving you.
"Hey!"
He smiled and chuckled at her, "Hi."
"How does it feel to be an official member of Lightspeed?" She asked as she slowed to walk beside him. He had officially finished all of his health examinations and logged all of his mandatory training hours.
"Satisfying." He stated simply.
"Good, now we can give you our 'Welcome' present." She said with a smug subdued energy as if she were forcing herself to quit talking.
"And that is?" He asked her with a grin. Her hyperactivity was becoming very endearing. He loved to watch her attempt to pull back the reins. Most of the time she was very unsuccessful, but she got full marks from everyone for effort. People loved her, and he was beginning to as well. Though sometimes he wondered whether it was merely platonic love.
She tightened her lips, "I'm not telling. Dana will kill me if I do."
"Dana doesn't have to know." He told her with a sly grin as he tried to pry it out of her.
"No way, you're just trying to get me in trouble." She told him with a mock glare.
"Now why would I want to do that?" He asked her mischievously.
"Because you find it entertaining." She answered as she stuck her tongue out at him. She quickly grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down the hallway, "Now come on, if we don't give you your Lightspeed jacket soon I think I'll burst."
He suppressed a laugh as he caught her slip, "Lightspeed jacket?"
Her eyes went wide, and she froze mid-stride, "Did I say that out loud?"
"Yes, I believe you did." He said with a smirk in her direction.
I will beg my way into your garden,
Just to break my way out when it rains.
Just to get back to the place where I started,
So I can want you back all over again.
(I don't really understand it.)
She winced, "Let's not tell Dana about this, I'm already in enough trouble for accidentally telling Chad and Joel about her crush on Carter."
"Oh, so she does like him. I thought so." Ryan said with a patronizing smile and a nod.
This time she groaned and slapped a hand to her forehead when she realized her mistake, "Damn!"
This time Ryan really did laugh, loud and hard. Kelsey hardly ever cursed. She was far too upbeat for that, and he found the times that she did very amusing.
"Just keep quiet and pretend to be surprised." She said with dramatic hand gestures.
How could you not fall in love with someone as lively and pure hearted as Kelsey was? Wait, fall in love? Is that what this was? It couldn't be. He wasn't in a position to be in love at the moment. Theres no telling what would happen, and he didn't know if he could take hurting anymore people.
Hold on to whatever you find, baby.
Hold on to whatever will get you through.
Hold on to whatever you find, baby.
I don't trust myself with loving you.
But he found himself needing to be near her warmth and purity. It wasn't something he had regular contact with through out his life. He felt so used, and so dirty at the moment that someone like Kelsey made him feel like he could be better than he was.
Kelsey continued to pull him back in the direction he had just come from, and he resisted just to watch her struggle to tug him around.
"You know, you're being mean." She pouted playfully as she dropped his arm.
He laughed, "It's what I do best."
"Not anymore," She told him seriously and compassionately, "You're one of us now."
He smiled and nodded, "I know, thanks Kels."
"Seriously, Ryan," She told him as she stopped trying to usher him toward the others, "Whatever you did in the past is forgotten. By me and everyone else. You're family now, to more than just Captain Mitchell and Dana."
Who do you love?
Girl I see through, through your love.
Who do you love?
Me or the thought of me?
Me or the thought of me?
The way she was looking at him now, with all that faith and hope in her eyes, almost made him believe that everything he had done truly was in the past. But in the back of his mind he knew Diabolico wouldn't see it that way. It was only a matter of time before he tried to get his revenge. He would do that one of two ways. He would go after him or he would go after these people, and he hoped for their sakes he went after him.
Suddenly he began to wonder if Kelsey directed that hope and faith to any of the other members of the team. He knew her and Chad were particularly close, and he wondered if she looked at him like that. Something in him was pained with a light jealousy. He wanted to think that look was only ever directed at him, but with the way his life tended to go, that probably wasn't the case.
Hold on to whatever you find, baby.
Hold on to whatever will get you through.
Hold on to whatever you find, baby.
I don't trust myself with loving you.
He smiled softly at her and squeezed her hand, "I hope you know the same goes for you. I mean the others too, but especially you, Kels."
She seemed a little shocked by that statement and her smiled widened even more, if that were possible, "Really?"
"Yeah, I don't know if you realize this, but you have this effect on people, or me at least, you're so . . . well, pure hearted. It's hard not to get attached." He said as he took a deep, nervous breath, "Just being around you makes me feel like I'm not so . . . evil. You force me to see the good in me."
Kelsey blushed at his words. She had been told that before, but it was different coming from Ryan. She didn't know why. But it just felt . . . more real coming from his lips, "It's not just me, Ryan, you're a good guy. You've just been deceived for far too long, but that's over now. You're here with us, and I promise you that things will get better. Nothing you did is your fault. You've been victimized by Diabolico just like everyone else in this city."
Hold on to whatever you find, baby.
Hold on to whatever will get you through.
Hold on to whatever you find, baby.
I don't trust myself with loving you.
There it was again. That feeling. It was like being shut away in a dark room for days maybe years, and it was like that feeling you would get when you see a light for the first time after being shut up in the darkness. He was hopeful, optimistic, and ready to see a lot more light than that one little flicker in the darkness.
And that's what Kelsey was. She was the light, and he couldn't get enough of her. He wanted to be around her more and more. He wanted her spirit and heart to rub off on him. But he knew this was no time for him to have romantic feelings for anyone. He didn't even know who he was at the moment, and with Diabolico around he was going to have time to figure out real soon.
He knew he could trust Kelsey, but could she trust him? He just didn't know. Whatever he felt for Kelsey would have to be held off until they had taken care of the demons. Whatever free time he had now he needed to use learning to trust himself, and learning to fight the dark nature that had been instilled in him.
I don't trust myself with loving you.
He smiled at her again and let Kelsey drag him toward the others. Friendship was his top priority at the moment. Maybe he could build off of that further down the road.
Hopefully whatever he had with Kelsey could wait until then.