Chapter 1: Waiting for the hint of a spark Pt 1
Dislcaimer: I own neither Charmed or Supernatural or the songs 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark' and 'Beautifully Broke'
The journal entries are actual canon entries (except for three TINY add ins) and can be found on the Supernatural site, Wikipedia, or the Supernatural LJ I am not making a profit from this story and just seek to use the characters and the song as entertainment purposes only
:-)
November 6, 1983
I buried my wife today. Even as I write that down, I don't believe it. Last week, we were a normal family… eating dinner, going to Dean's T-ball game, buying toys for baby Sammy, teaching Paige how to fish. But in an instant, it all changed… when I try to think back, get it straight in my head… I feel like I'm going crazy. Like someone ripped both my arms off, plucked my eyes out… I'm wandering around, alone and lost and I can't do anything.
Mary used to write in these books she kept by the bed. She said it helped her remember all the little things, about the children, me… I wish I could read her journals, but like everything else, they're gone. Burned into nothing. She always wanted me to try writing things down. Maybe she's right, maybe it will help me to remember, to understand.
November 13, 1983
Nothing makes any sense anymore… my wife is gone, my children are without their mother… the things I saw that night. I remember hearing Mary scream, and I ran, but then… everything was calm, for just a second – Sammy was fine – and I was sure I h ad been hearing things – too many horror movies too late at night. But then there was the blood, and when I looked up, my wife….
Half our house is gone, even though the fire burned for only a few hours. Most of our clothes and photos are ruined, even our safe – the safe with Mary's old diaries, the children's savings bonds, what little jewelry we had… all gone. How could my house, my whole life, go up like that, so fast, so hot? How could my wife just burn up and disappear?
I want my wife back. Oh God, I want her back…
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Property of Paige Elizabeth Winchester
Touching leads to the end of my shotgun down your throat.
I mean it Dean! November 2nd, 1989
I guess I should start off by introducing myself, 'cause Missouri said that's what I should do and any one even with an itty-bitty half a brain knows you have to listen to Missouri. Even if she ain't around. So, I'll do it. This introducing myself to a shitty piece of notebook. Even though it's dumb. I'll do it.
My name is Paige Elizabeth Winchester and I'm twelve years old this past summer. I have mousyish brown hair which falls just past my shoulders and is wavy. It's dumb and boring and not at all like Missy Steversons dark brown. Or Brigitte Braedon's red. Boring, stuck in the wood-work brown hair. I want to cutit but daddy won't let me. He says something of it reminds him of mommy's. Which is dumb cause I remember mommy being a blonde.
I have brown eyes, I guess. And the Winchester jaw and chin. Clefted and stubborn, or that's what Missu says.
I have a family. As messed up as it is, you could call it a family. I've got a dad and my two brothers after all.
My Deano, whose ten, and my Sammy whose six. They're the best brothers in the world. Just don't tell them I say that. Especially not Dean. Sammy you can tell though, 'cause he's our baby and is so cute when he's rubbing at his runny nose and he thinks no one can see. I had a mommy once but she died when I was little. A fire. Don't remember a lot about that day and I never wanna. Daddy doesn't say about it much but daddy doesn't say much 'cept for 'No, Paige I can't take you with me' or 'Paige had me a beer' or 'Girl, don't you listen? Are you always trying to get yourself into trouble' or he grunts.
The reason my family isn't much of a family is 'cause my daddy is always gone. Not around. And he always takes my brothers with him leaving me with Missu, which is great even if she makes me work but I don't mind, or Uncle Bill and Aunt Ellen. Which is cool too 'cept Aunt Ellen is way more stricter than Missu but that's okay 'cause uncle Billy always makes it better. They feel more like family than my own family, I adore Jo as much as I love Deano and Sammy. She's so cute. She snuggles up with me when Uncle Bill reads us bedtime stories, makes me think of another time that I can't remember. My mommy used to read me and Deano stories, I'm pretty sure. It's just a feeling. I like it at the Roadhouse. It's a really cool name. Say it with me. The Roadhouse. All the most interesting looking guys show up, but Uncle Bill and Aunt Ellen always send and Jo away. Sometimes though I think they're all hiding something from me. Especially the adults. I know it's dumb but sometimes they'll look at me and frown, not Missu though she smiles like she knows some big secret. It's all dumb and really annoying. I think it might have to do with where daddy and my brothers go.
Where does my daddy go? Your guess is as damn good as mine. Which isn't a damn much at all.
He goes places with Dean and Sammy and doesn't come back for months.
He takes me sometimes but only to drop me off someplace to stay "safe". What's so dangerous that Sammy can go and I can't? Is it cause I'm a girl? That's dumb. I can defend myself, HE showed me how.
I can shoot and throw daggers, hell, I can even frickin lasso! Why the hell can't I go on the trips too?!
There is not good enough reason. 'Cept one. And I thought about it real hard and it sort of makes sense. He don't, doesn't want me around cause I ain't his. I'm adopted you know. I heard it once while daddy was good and drunk and yelling. He doesn't think I heard but I did. Which started me thinking about all the stuff people used to tell me. Oh, how about how much I looked like Mama, especially when she was younger. Or the Winchester chin thing. Or how I was a Winchester brat all the way (that's one of the reasons Missu gave me this notebook. Cause she said it was and would be a Winchester thing). Was it a lie? All of them just to make me feel better. I spend a long time looking at my chin and mommy's pictures. I don't think I look anything like her but I do have the chin. So maybe I heard wrong. 'Cause when I get with Deano and Sammy it doesn't feel like they ain't my brothers. It feels like they're mine more than anything in the world. More than daddy. So maybe all three of us is, are adopted?
I don't know. It makes my brain hurt. This is dumb. Real dumb. Writing in a notebook. A Winchester thing. Yeah right. I'm not really a writer. I mean I guess I could, but I think I got no unspi ... inspiration. Sammy'd be the writer. He has a big thinkin' brain, my Sammy does yeah even if he is only six. Deano would be too, cause he doesn't talk about things. He keeps it all inside. Won't say a damn thing that goes on when he and dad and Sammy leave. My Deano used to tell me everything now it don't tell me nothing. It hurts but I'd be happy if he had a diary, or journal, orsomething to say it to. 'Cause my Deano has a lot to say. he's a big softy he is. He'd shoot me if he ever read it but he's as good as a girl with his great big heart and how he worries about everything and how he is so protective of me and Sammy and I'm the biggest!
So I journal would be good. Me. I don't realy need one. I talk and talk a lot. But Missu says that talkin' ain't worth a damn if you don't say what's really gratin' ya. She says I don't do that. Because I'm too stubborn and afraid that people won't like the real Paige Elizabeth Winchester. Which is dumb. I asked Dean if he thought if I was afraid of sharin cause I was scared of being a lone he shrugged and said that was a dumb and girly question. That's when he laughed and called me Princess Pouty face. I didn't hit him that hard for it 'cause he hadn't laughed since he came back from his trip.
So here I am writing, though it's dumb. But I'm not going to complain too much about it, 'causa the other reason I'm writin this. The other reason I'm writin this is cause I'm not a real good listener. I don't like it when people tell me no and don't give good reasons. That's just stupid. If you ain't gonna share don't have it at all or hide it better. Daddy isn't that good of a hider, 'specially when he's tired. See. Thing is I wanted to know what daddy does when he goes. I still do. So I went through his bag. Usual knife, guns, crossbow, he had some salt and some other dumb stuff in it but I didn't pay them no mind. The thing that I saw, that was the gold mind was this ratty old thing. His journal.
I thought I was in secrets heaven. Finally I'd know why he left me always. Like, well it don't matter like what.
But I didn't get past the first few entries. First cause he caught me and tanned my hide from hear to Louisiana and back and second cause I couldn't stop crying. My daddy seemed so human in those entries. It's why I don't hate him so much anymore, for leaving. Maybe it is 'cause I'm a girl. He thinks something attacked mama and maybe he thinks it'll get me to. Which is dumb cause I can fight. I can really fight. And shoot stuff.
And me and daggers? Outta ten tries I can get the bullseye seven times! Nothing can hurt me. No man, no woman. Nothing. And that don't explain not telling me where he's going? And the almost always ignoring me ... But I am getting carried away. I ain't mad at him, I won't be. At least not for the rest of the week. I'm gonna try to be a perfect daughter for him. To be like mama. Or maybe not like mama. Lordy knows if I can make him smile, and a real one not one of those crap ones that he gives everyone, that'd it might be all okay. At least for a little while. Cause I ain't dumb, sure I'm still a "kid" but I ain't stupid. I can see what that emptiness in his eyes mean. The tired lines around them. I like to draw, journal, and do you know how hard it is to draw tired lines and hopelessness? How hard it is to draw someone who wants to die. I know that's what the emptiness is. Daddy wants to leave us and be with mommy. I don't blame him 'cause I know if something happened to Dean and Sammy, if they died, I'd want to be with them. Both of them though. Couldn't leave one of them to suffer. Ever.
So, Missu figured that I would need this. So to give me something to do besides school, chores, my drawing, and choir. She figures that I'm gonna need it for the future. She said it could be the book I could put my shadows in. Funny way of putting it since shadows spook the shit outta me. Dumb I know but it's the way it is. I guess ...
November 2nd,
Back sorry. Dean was callin me. We went to sneak out, with Sammy.
To the local church. To light candles for mama. Daddy doesn't know we do it. Dean doesn't want to go out without daddy knowing but he don't wanna let me go on my own. He doesn't tell. Got to much on him.
I have to go cause Deano is giving you a look like he wants to grab you and I feel too good right now to let you go.
Besides daddy's here and like I said, at least for a week Ima try and be the perfect daughter. Get him a few beers or something.
Good night.