A/N: This was written by my boyfriend, not me. It's a spoof, not because he hates Twilight, but because he likes to spoof everything. (Even himself.)
Neither of us own Twilight.
Twilight in 15 minutes!
*Phoenix
Bella: I want to go to Forks
Mom: I thought you hated Forks
Bella: I do
Mom: Then why are you going?
Bella: Because I hate you and Phil more
Mom: Ok honey.
*Forks
Bella: I hate Forks it rains why did you send me?
Mom: I don't understand you
Bella: Nobody understands me
*later*
Charlie: Hey Bella. Let's not talk about this, all right?
Bella: Talk about what?
Charlie: Anything at all, really.
Bella: We'll get along nicely then
*First Day of School
Bella: I hate rain!
Rain: Yo.
Bella: I also hate people. I hope I don't meet any people today.
Chess Club Eric: Wanna go to prom?
Bella: No!
Mike: Hey baby, want to go to prom?
Bella: No!
Jessica: Hey Bella, want to go to
Bella: No!
Jessica: Want to go to the cafateria?
Bella: No!
*Lunchroom of Backstory
Bella: Who's he?
Jessica: Edward Cullen
Bella: What's he like?
Jessica: People say he's nice, but since he won't date me he must be an asshole.
Bella: Makes sense to me
*Biology Class
Edward: *is hot*
Bella: *is shallow*
Edward: *is cold*
Bella: Waaah he's so mean!
*Snowy parking lot of DOOM
Tyler: Oh dang, I learned to drive at a crappy school and now I'm gonna crash!
Bella: See this? This is why I hate Forks!
Tyler: They see me rollin like a gangsta.
Edward: Stelllllaaaaa! I mean Belllaaaaa!
*heroic leap*
Bella: How did you do that?
Edward: Do what?
Bella: Save my life
Edward: Not telling.
Bella: Waaaah you're so mean!
*The next day*
Tyler: Hey, sorry for almost killing you, eh?
Bella: Sure
Tyler: You sure about that?
Bella: Yeah, it happens 20 times in this book
Tyler: Want to go to prom?
Bella: Die!
Edward: So then, want to go to
Bella: I'll punch you in the face!
Edward: Seattle?
Bella: Oh, yes.
Edward: But stay away from me, it's for your own good.
Bella: Waaah, you're so mean!
*Biology (without Edward!)
Mr. Banner: Prick yourself, you little pricks.
Bella: Blood? *faints*
Mike: Mike to the rescue!
Edward: Sniped! I'll save her by entering a clinic full of bleeding people! Brilliant!
Bella: Blood...lol...
Edward: Skipping is good for you, let's skip class
Bella: yay!
*The shiny Volvo
Bella: Slow down! Slow down! You took lessons with Courtesy Driving School, didn't you?
Edward: Please. I drive Magic-style
Bella: Ok then.
Edward: So what's you family like?
Bella: It's like a family
Edward: You are so interesting! Can I subscribe to your newsletter?
*Beach party
Jacob: I'm Jacob
Bella: Let's get away from the group so we can have a private conversation filled with plot points
Jacob: All right
Bella: Hey Jacob, why am I flirting with you?
Jacob: I think you're setting up for the second book.
Bella: Oh, right.
Jacob: Anyways, I've been hearing some rumors on the internet. I think Edward might be a vampire.
Bella: Really? How sure are you?
Jacob: 110%
Bella: Really?
Jacob: Really.
Bella: Really really?
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Well I'm glad we got to know each other better. If anyone asks, we've known each other for ten years.
Jacob: uh...ok! One more thing.
Bella: Yeah?
Jacob: Want to go to prom?
Bella: No!
*At home
Bella: I'm going to Seattle, ok?
Charlie: Hey Bella, sure you don't want to go to Prom?
Bella: grr.
*Some random town
Bella: Stupid unreliable vampire
Girls: We ditch you now, k?
Men: We're adding some danger to this book
Edward: Get in the car. I'm superbad. I mean supermad.
Bella: What was the point of this scene?
Edward: I saved you again. Ad now you're somehow magically crazy for me, even though you hated me five pages back.
*School again
Jessica: Bella I hate you.
Bella: Hey Mike go talk to Jessica
Jessica: OMG you are the BEST FRIEND EVER!
Edward: By the way, I read minds.
Bella: What number am I thinking of?
Edward: Damn I suck at this game.
*In a forest
Edward: Steps into the light
Bella: Ooh, shiny!
Edward: I think I might kill you now
Bella: kk
Edward: I'm very dangerous
Bella: yeah.
Edward: I think I'm going to eat you now
Bella: whatever.
Edward: No really, I'm going to bite you and drink your blood and then you'll be dead. It might even hurt.
Bella: Your voice is so beautiful.
EdwarD: Whatever, let's just kiss now so you forget everything I just said
*kiss*
Fangirls: Yay!
Edward: I carry you at fast speeds now
*Back in Forks!
Edward: Can I date Bella?
Charlie: Oh all right. But what about Jacob?
Bella: I'll get to him next book Dad
Charlie: All right then. Carry on.
*Vampire house
Edward: Hey Carlisle.
Carlisle: Hey Bella. Want to go to the prom?
Bella: *glare*
Alice: Hi, my name is Alice. I'm the coolest character in this book, yet I don't get a line of dialogue until page 323. What gives?
Bella: You're just not shallow enough to star in this book.
Alice: *frowns* I predict a giant black dog, who is really your godfather, will come and.... wait, sorry... I predict you will die.
Bella: Ok, whatever.
Carlisle: I'm here to fix everything.
Edward: All right, but first let's play baseball!
*Ballpark
Vampires: Play Ball!
Hunter: Hello.
Laurent, Hey Bella, mahn, want to go to thah Prom?
Bella: No!
Carlisle: Like zoinks! Let's split up and look for clues!
Bella: *cries self to sleep*
*On da phone
Hunter: Bella, yer mom.
Bella: $&$#&^%*
Hunter: Want to meet me?
Bella: Sure
*Big fight scene of death
Hunter: Just kidding about yer mom.
Bella: Oh well.
Hunter: You're going to die.
Bella: Yeah
Hunter: That would bother most people.
Bella: Yeah
Hunter: Do you hate living or something?
Bella: Yeah
Hunter: o_0
Edward: Stabbity!
Hunter: Ach!
Carlisle: Edward, you have to drink her blood!
Edward: No! It's too tasty!
Carlisle: Edward, I am your father!
Edward: Noooooooooo!
*drinks blood*
*In the hospital
Carlisle: Everything magically ficed itself.
Bella: Mom?
Carlisle: Safe.
Bella: Hunter?
Carlisle: Dead.
Bella: Edward?
Carlisle: Still hot.
Bella: Ok, everything's good now.
*Dramatic scene with Edward
Bella: Make me a vampire!
Edward: No! That would solve everything! It's too convenient! Let's just kiss more.
*Big Kiss*
Edward: I'm taking you to Prom.
Bella: No!
~fin