Padfoot and Moony do Bedtime

by Summerwing

Sirus BlackRemus Lupin slash. Sirius is tired, but refuses to go to bed until he has everything his way. Remus reacts accordingly. Let's just say I hurt myself laughing while writing this.

TITLE: Padfoot and Moony do Bedtime

Yeah, I know, the title's completly retarded, but humor me.

AUTHOR: Summerwing

RATING: PG-13 should do it.

GENRE: Humor/Romance

PAIRINGS: RL/SB

FEEDBACK: I ask you only to humor my muses, who get a little put out when no one reviews. Just one word, even. "Good" "Bad" "Ew" "Funny" "Wow" Um..." -- whatever!

WARNINGS: Just basic stupidity. Slashy goodness, but no acutal stuff, just mentions of it. A few swears. Much OOC-ness in the character of Sirius, not quite as much in Remus', although that's like saying that Lindsay Lohan isn't quite as bad as Hillary Duff.

DISCLAIMER: Madame Rowling, you own all those other cool people, just sell me Sirius and Remus! I'll give you my house! ANYTHING!!!

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This came to me at 1.30 am. So expect a little insanity. Also, I have no idea where this story is set. I don't know if it's Hogwarts, the flat Remus and Sirius shared after school, Grimmauld Place, or a hotel in Mongolia. This could even be set in the height of the Disco Age in a Flemish pastry shop. It's just happening, okay?

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Sirius Black was tired, really he was. Really.

He was going to go to bed. Soon. As soon as Puddlemere United won. They were only down by 140 points, it wasn't like they couldn't win if they caught the snitch...

Really.

"Wow, Mike! Did you see that?"

"I sure did, Bob. It's been a long time since I've seen playing this good from anyone."

"Well, the Holyhead Harpies are getting tough to beat recently, ever since they drafted those new chasers."

"I agree, Bob. But still, I have never seen anything like that before. I mean, listen to the crowd, you'd think they'd all won a Galleon draw."

"This is not going to be a game soon forgotten, Mike."

"You can say that again, Bob!"

Sirius kicked the wireless. "What happened?!" he screeched. "Don't just blabber about how amazing it was, WHAT HAPPENED?! Did Puddlemere kick it or what?!"

"I have never seen anyone kick it that bad, Mike."

Yeah, 300 points is a lot to lose by."

"WHAT?!" screamed Sirius.

"Puddlemere is going to feel that one in the morning."

"What happened?" Sirius whimpered.

"I mean, it was already a great play when Mirabella Arsen scored under the Puddlemere keeper's arm, but when Amanda Burke caught the snitch two seconds after... am I right in saying it was like a miracle?!"

"You got that right, Mike!"

"Listen to the crowd cheer as the Harpies take a victory lap. They sure look--" The radio announcer was cut off as Sirius kicked the wireless rather harder than he meant to. It flew across the room and crashed into the wall. Throwing off a few sparks, it made a sound that could be described as halfway between a whine and a groan.

"Oops," said Sirius.

Enter a yawning Remus Lupin stage left. He was wearing a fuzzy blue bathrobe and matching slippers. "What are you doing, Sirius?" he asked sleepily.

"Ummm..." said Sirius. "Listening to the game?"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "At 12.48 am?"

"It's a foreign game."

"Riiight." Remus paused. "What was that crash?"

"Puddlemere lost," Sirius explained.

"Oh," said Remus, leaving it at that. "Don't you think it's time for bed?"

Sirius waved his hands at his lover. "Soon, soon."

"Now. You have to be up at nine tomorrow."

"I'll have plenty of time."

"Sure you will," said Remus. "Well, don't stay up too late. I'm going back to bed."

Sirius watched Remus leave, then snorted and walked over to the wall where the wireless was lying prone. He poked it. It made a hissing noise. Seeing this optimistically, Sirius picked it up and poked it again. This time, it hissed for a few seconds longer. Sirius pulled out his wand and muttered "Reparo."

"-- do you feel about winning your first professional game, Miss Burke?"

"Lovely. The Harpies have already become like a family to me, and I'm just glad that I could help them win."

"Are you planning any--" Sirius quickly changed the radio station.

"--garden. Nifflers can be--" Click.

"--one pound of ox liver into the mix--" Click.

"--in Bristol on Saturday to--" Click.

"--recent reports have shown--" Click.

"--looove potions ain't got nooo effect ooooon sooomeoooneeee--"

Sirius huffed and turned the radio off. There was never anything good on WWN after midnight.

Maybe he should go to bed after all?

Nah.

"I'm hungry," Sirius realized. He set the wireless on a shelf. It teetered precariously before falling to the stone floor.

"Oops," said Sirius again. He shrugged. "Oh, well."

He shuffled into the kitchen, poking at the refrigerator. "Why Moony felt the need for one of these I'll never know. I mean, it's not as if we need one..." He opened it, then jumped back in surprise when the light went on. "Whoa!" he yelped. "How in the..." Sirius prodded the lightbulb with his wand. Nothing happened.

He shut the fridge. He opened it again. Again, the light went on. "Wow..." he whispered. "Cool."

Sirius repeated this activity several times, his reactions soon reflecting less puzzled joy and more confused anger.

Finally, he slammed the refrigerator door shut so hard that, when he opened it again, an entire shelf fell off and everything on it came crashing to the floor.

"Having fun?" a voice asked sarcastically behind him.

"Errrr... yes?" asked Sirius sheepishly.

Remus walked over to the mess on the kitchen floor. "You do realize that you're cleaning this up, right?"

"But, but, but... the light went on and I didn't tell it to! It's not my fault that the stupid remitigator is broken!"

Chuckling in spite of himself, Remus explained the Muggle device once again. "First of all, it's called a refrigerator. Second, the light goes on automatically, so that you can see inside of it. Thirdly, how many times have I told you not to be rough with the Muggle things I buy?"

"A lot," sighed Sirius.

"All right, now, I'll help you clean this up, and then you can come to bed, okay?"

"Fine," Sirius grumbled. "But 'm not tired."

"You sound like a five year old. Of course you're tired."

"Nuh-uuuuh."

"I'm not getting into an argument with you over something silly. Now, do you want me to help you clean this up?"

"Can do it m'self." Sirius proceeded to turn the mess into a green and yellow spotted rabbit.

"Very nice."

"I... I meant to do that."

"You are terrible at cleaning spells," Remus said. "Just let me do it."

"What do I do with Rudolph?"

"Rudolph?"

"The bunny."

"You've named it?"

"Him. You'll hurt his feelings," said Sirius, cradling the rabbit in his arms.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Just get rid of it."

"Him!"

"Turn it back into the leftovers."

Sirius pouted, but did what he was told.

"Evanesco," said Remus. All of the mingled food on the floor disappeared. "I think you can handle it from here."

Sirius grumbled again.

Ten minutes later, Remus had disappeared back into the bedroom and Sirius was looking over the contentents of the refrigerator. He frowned in concentration.

"Why do we have so many leftovers?" he wondered, selecting an opaque blue container. Opening it, he gave a little squeak. Whatever was in the plastic box was green. And slimy. And... moving!? Sirius hastily put the lid back on the container and shoved it into the back of the refrigerator. A label on the side caught his eye. "Cranberry sauce.... 1976! Aargh!"

Sirius decided to find something a little more... recent...

Then he spotted the french fries. "Oh, yum!" he crowed, grabbing the bag full of tasty potatoey sticks.

He reached in and grabbed a handful, which he proceeded to stuff into his mouth.

Swinging the bag around, Sirius pranced down the hall into the bedroom.

Remus was sitting up in bed, reading a book. He raised an eyebrow. "French fries?"

"Iff goob. Woo sub fry fumm."

Remus raised his other eyebrow. Higher.

Sirius swallowed. "What?" he asked.

Remus shook his head and went back to his book.

Sirius somehow managed to strip to his boxers and eat the rest of the french fries at the same time.

"Watff owp, Moomy!" Sirius crouched to spring, mouth still full of french fries.

Remus looked up in alarm. "Sirius, what are you -- ahhh!"

"Howwabnnga!" Sirius screamed before launching himself into orbit... er... I mean, onto the bed.

Remus' book went flying and the werewolf himself fell head-first off the bed.

Sirius, meanwhile, managed to wrap an entire comforter around himself like a giant overgrown caterpillar.

Remus surfaced like a colussus from the deep. He even did that whole "terrifying roar" thing before leaping onto an unsuspecting Sirius, ripping the blanket off of the black-haired man.

But Sirius, who had not yet swallowed the french fries, opened his mouth to scream, and Remus got a face-full of chewed up potatoey sticks.

"Ewwww!" he groaned, trying to wipe his face on the nearest piece of fabric... which happened to be Sirius' underwear.

Sirius yelped. "Hey! Warn me if you're going to do that!"

Remus still had french fries on his face, so he ignored Sirius and went to clean himself off.

"Where are you going?" asked Sirius loudly.

"I call it... going to the bathroom," said Remus enigmatically, waving his hands mystically about his face.

The sarcasm was lost on Sirius, who looked at Remus' retreating back in confusion.

By the time Remus got back, his lover had discarded the french-fry encrusted boxers and changed into pajama pants. The bed was fixed and Sirius no longer had posession of half the bedclothes. However, a veritable mountain of pillows surrounded him on all sides.

"Where did all those pillows come from?" Remus asked suspiciously.

"I Transfigured them from cotton balls," Sirius said, although it was somewhat muffled. "You like my fort?"

"Fort?" One word managed to convey several emotions ranging from exasperation to amusement.

"Yeah! It's there to protect me from the evils of the world... including you, bunny-killer!"

"Excuse me?"

"YOU MADE ME KILL RUPERT!"

"I thought you said his name was Rudolph?"

"IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!"

"In this case, no."

"THIS PLASTIC BAG IS NOT A TOY!"

"...What?"

"REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"

"Sirius..."

"I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!"

"Sirius..."

"MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR!"

"SIRIUS!"

"Umm... sorry, got a bit carried away."

Remus put his head in his hands. "Can we just go to bed already?"

"All right..."

"You have to get rid of the pillows first."

"Awwwww..." whined Sirius... until Remus allowed him to keep one extra pillow.

"But I don't wantit on my side of the bed."

"Awwwww..."

"No buts!"

Sirius fell silent and Transfigured the pillows back into cotton balls.

"Okay, they're gone. You can come to bed now."

"Are you sure you're going to be serious?"

"I'm always Sirius."

Remus groaned at the overused joke and made a private resolution to dropkick the author for using such a stupid pun.

He flipped off the light, then took off the bathrobe he'd been wearing, revealing a pair of thin cotton pants.

Sirius whistled in appreciation.

Remus glared at him and crawled into his side of the bed.

A few moments passed in blissful silence, and the amber-haired man began to hope that he'd be able to sleep now, but he had no such luck. The author was bent on torturing him for a bit longer, probably because of his resolution a few paragraphs previous.

"Moooonyyy," Sirius whined.

"What?" growled Remus.

"My feeeet are cooold..."

"Then get a pair of socks."

"I don't wanna."

"Well, then, I suppose your feet are going to be cold."

"Fine. But you'll be sorry."

"I highly doubt that."

Sirius reluctantly rolled out of bed and scowled at the book he'd had the bad luck to fall on. He picked himself up off the floor and shuffled to his dresser. Opening the sock drawer, he peered inside.

Naturally, it was a total mess.

Instead of socks, most of the contents of the drawer were underwear, t-shirts, a pair of jeans, swimming trunks, and, worryingly, a brassiere and a pair of stiletto heels.

"Moony..." he whispered loudly.

Remus ignored him.

"Moony..."

"Moony..."

"MOONY!"

"WHAT!?" snapped Remus, sitting up in bed.

"I can't find my fuzzy socks."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Uhhh... I dunno..."

Remus crossed his arms impatiently.

Sirius decided he liked not being dead, so left his lover alone and tried again to find his socks. He knew that he had three pairs of fuzzy ones, but he could only find one red one and one black and red one... and the rainbow striped ones had stuff on the bottom from when he'd gone outside in them.

Huffing in irritation, Sirius lost his patience with the evil drawer and began to empty its contents onto the floor.

"What in the name of Merlin are you doing?" asked Remus, fighting in laughter, because he was supposed to be the rational one that disapproved of the type of behavior Sirius was exhibiting.

"Looking for my socks," Sirius replied distantly, in a state of forced concentration as he scrutinized each article of clothing he pulled from the drawer before throwing it into the ever-growing pile on the floor.

"Ah."

Finally, there was nothing left in the sock drawer except three galleons ("Cool, extra money!") a button from one of Sirius' little-worn dress shirts ("What's this go to?") and a small model of a kneazle which clawed at the animagi viciously ("I'd been looking for that!).

"Moony..."

This time, Remus knew better than to try ignoring Sirius.

"Yes?"

"I looked through the entire drawer, and I still didn't find the mates to my fuzzy socks."

"Live with it. You can wear mismatched socks to bed."

"No, I can't!"

"And why not?"

"Because Sirius Algernon Black does not wear things that don't match."

"Sirius, just put them on. Would you rather have cold feet or odd socks?"

Sirius looked at him as if this was a ridiculously simple question whose answer was dancing naked on the tabletop screaming "Me! ME! PICK MEEE!"

"Do you have to ask?"

"Just put them on and get back to bed," said Remus in his "creature of the night, mess with me not" voice.

"Okay," Sirius said meekly, jamming the socks onto his feet and practically leaping across the bedroom.

Snuggling into bed, he peered at Remus through one eye and said superciliously, "But if I wake up in the morning and see my odd socks and drop dead in shock, I hope you'll feel really guilty."

Remus nudged Sirius lightly and curled into his lover's back.

Almost five minutes of inactivity passed before Remus questioned his good fortune.

"Sirius?" he whispered.

The man in question groaned. "What?"

"What are you up to?"

"What?"

"You're up to something."

"'Ow d'y'mean?" slurred Sirius.

"You haven't pestered me for sex."

"What?!"

Remus sighed. "Every night after we go to bed, you wait a while and then I hear, 'Moony,' whispered right in my ear. And then you start. 'Moony, how about some midnight snuggles,' which, I suppose, is your term for buggering me up the arse!"

"That's not true!" protested Sirius.
"Oh, really?"

"Yeah! Sometimes I let you bugger me!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Really, Sirius, that is not the point..."

But Sirius was not to be deterred. "And sometimes it's just oral! And sometimes just a little grinding! And that one time when we--"

"That happened once. It will never happen again." The tone in which this was said was likely to scare even Voldemort out of his evil bunny slippers and into hiding in downtown Reno.

"Well, you know what I mean, Remmie, it's not always me fucking you, and you like that anyway!"

"Sirius," hissed Remus. "That is not the point, and you know it. The point is, I want to know why you are not trying to get into my pants tonight."

"Oh," said Sirius, suspiciously innocent. "I guess I'm just tired."

"I'm sure," said Remus sarcastically.

Then he decided to let it go, seeing as it was already 1.30 and he was tired (and that Sirius was right, he did enjoy it anyway).

Sirius had almost drifted off to sleep when Remus whispered hotly into his ear:

"How about a midnight snuggle?"

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Ummm... yeah... this wasn't originally supposed to be as smutty as it got by the end, but hey, I am a foul-minded little girl. XD. Also, all of the scenes in which Sirius had food in his mouth were tested by my sister Dawn, for accuracy and realism. She's still pissed off at me for forcing rolls down her throat, so you'd better be happy with the realistic quality of Sirius' food-hampered speech!
Lastly, because this is a one-shot, and I cannot answer questions in the next chapter (WHY DOES FANFICTION NOT LET US RESPOND TO REVIEWS!?!?!?!?), leave your e-mail if you have any pressing questions and I will get back to you that way. Anyway, Leave a review if you've got all the way down here, even as much as one word, and I'll love you forever. I try to leave one signed review for each one that I get, and that signed review might just be for you! As always, love you all, reviewers or not.

--Summerwing