A Note From Ben: Aah, here we are again. This particular story came to be because someone I know asked me to write them a story about Butters. Well, ask and you shall receive. I hope you all enjoy this one as much as you've enjoyed the others.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butters!
By Ben Barrett

Chapter One – No Longer A Melvin

"H-hey, Stan," Butters said, approaching his sometime friend in the hallway at school.

"Hey, Butters," Stan replied, smiling at the other boy.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked. "It's kinda important."

Stan shrugged and followed Butters outside and toward an isolated corner of the playground. There, he stopped and looked at the blonde expectantly.

"Well?" he asked.

Butters fidgeted a bit and looked down at his feet. Stan knew the boy suffered from a confidence problem and thus extended a little more patience to him than he normally would. For as long as he had known him, Butters had been a jittery, insecure, naïve little chump. He'd fall for or do just about anything, especially if he thought it would gain him acceptance. In other words, Butters was a Melvin.

"S-Stan, I need you to teach me to be confident," the boy finally said.

"What?" Stan replied in shock. This was the last thing he was expecting. "What makes you think I can teach you something like that, and why?"

"W-well, cause of Eric Cartman, that's why," Butters muttered angrily. "He's an asshole and, by golly, I'm t-tired of him takin' advantage of me."

Stan nodded at these words, understanding the feelings of his friend completely. How many times had that fat fuck made life miserable for those he called his friends? He recalled one incident in particular in which Cartman had the chance to save Kyle's life by donating a kidney and refused to do it. Stan actually had to trick him into doing it.

"The thing about Cartman is," Stan said, "he's got a big mouth and an even bigger ass, but's he's just a big pussy. Any time Kyle hits him even a little bit, he goes crying to his mommy like a little baby."

"R-really?" Butters exclaimed, his eyes brightening. "So I ain't gotta do what he says or nothin'? I can just hit him?"

"If you have to, I guess. Just remember one thing, Butters: people can only walk all over you if you let them."

Two days later, Butters was standing in the hallway by his locker when Cartman walked up. There was an evil gleam in his eyes that Butters recognized right away, and it never meant good news.

People can only walk all over me if I let 'em, he thinks. Won't let him step on me no more!

"Butters, I need your help with something," Cartman said.

"What's that, Eric?"

Cartman smiled wickedly, not noticing the scowl on the face of the other boy at all.

"I need your help getting back at the Jew. All you have to do is grab him by his ugly ass Jew-fro in front of everybody and kiss him right on the mouth."

Butters was shocked. Of all the things to ask of him, what made the fat bastard think he'd go along with this under any circumstances? It was outrageous, boy howdy.

"No."

"Great, Butters, now I…"

Cartman stopped and gave him an impatient and calculating glare. Had he heard right? Had the little twat actually told him no?

"I don't think I heard you right…"

"NO!!!"

Butters gave Cartman a glare that could have melted steel, which caused the fat kid to back up a foot in surprise. This felt great! Butters was actually standing up for himself and it was working! Never again would anyone walk over him, by gosh. If they tried, he'd just give them the old one-two-buckle-my-shoe.

Cartman regained his composure and stepped closer to the other boy, getting right up in his face. Close enough for Butters to be able to smell the Cheesy Poofs on his breath, and close enough to be intimidating. At least, he thought it was; normally, this kind of behavior would have made little Butters Stotch quiver, but today it only seemed to be making him more confident.

"Listen to me, you little Melvin…" he hissed

"S-so help me God, Eric," Butters snarled, glaring at Cartman menacingly, "if you don't get out of my face, I'll…I'll…"

Eric actually laughed at this. Was Butters threatening him? Oh, this had potential to get really interesting. If he played his cards right, he could humble this little fucker and make him more submissive than ever at the end. He would not be treated this way by lower forms of life. Someone had been talking to his spineless Melvin, and when he got his hands on that particular piece of shit….

"I said get out of my face!" Butters barked, bringing Cartman out of his own evil musings.

"Kick his ass, Butters!" he hears Stan shout.

So it was him,Cartman thinks bitterly.

He cast his eyes toward the sound of the voice and saw that a large crowd had formed around them. They were honestly expecting a fight, which was a laughable thing. He was about to turn and tell them to piss off when he felt Butters grab the collar of his shirt.

"Get your hands off the…" Cartman snarls, but is cut off by something colliding with his nose. The next second later, he was lying on the ground with blood running down his face, crying like a big baby.

"You did it, Butters!" Stan told his friend happily as he gave him a congratulatory pat on the back. "You showed that asslicker who's boss!"

"Yeah, good job, dude," Kyle agreed, walking on his other side.

"Woo hoo!" Kenny cried. "It's about time somebody did!"

"Th-thanks, fellas," Butters replied happily.

"Butters," Stan said, stopping him and putting an arm over his shoulders. "I am pleased to say that from this moment on, you are no longer a Melvin."

"Yeah," Kyle added, "you can take Cartman's place as one of us. We hate him, anyway.

Butters can't do this to me, Cartman thought angrily, lying in bed that night. That son of a bitch! Who does he think he is? Who does Stan think he is messing with my subordinates?

He glared at the ceiling, but there was an evil gleam in his eyes that spoke of the evil plans he was devising in his chubby little head. Oh, they were all going to pay. First, he was going to teach the Melvin a thing or two about insubordination, then he was going to go after fucking Stan for his meddling, then the Jew just because Cartman hated him.

I bet Kenny's even in this, he thought to himself. My BFF, in cohorts with those back-stabbing sons of bitches! Well, he'll get his, too.