A/N: This fic is a joint effort between two authors. Tobiume is writing as Hermione Granger and Harmonic Friction is writing as Draco Malfoy. It is ten years after the war, in a slightly A/U reality (but maybe not?). Some chapters will have multiple letters and some will have one as the story develops. We authors know each other personally and will be meeting in character to map out how we want "behind the scenes" parts to go, so that instead of simply a typical letters fic (which sometimes becomes more of a RPG where one person is leading the other and the background details make little sense) we will both know the ins and outs of what happened. We're very excited to apply a hobby of acting/cosplay and also a mutual love for writing (not to mention Tobiume relating to Hermione and HF relating to Malfoy) to a collaborative project. We hope you enjoy reading. Feedback is greatly appreciated. Please read and review.

Warning: Rated T. Some foul language, suggestive themes, mischief.

Strictly. Business.

..

October 15, 2008. (Sent: 7:58 am.)

Dear Mr. Draco Malfoy,

It has come to our attention that you have still not brought your house-elf to the required annual meeting. As you know, over the past few years, the Ministry has been working to improve circumstances for house-elves, and all families who have a house-elf in residence must accompany their elf to a meeting in which standard living conditions and fair treatment are discussed.

I know you wish to comply with the Ministry's regulations, and I'm sure it's only coincidence that all three of our previous letters have gone answered. I'm certain that this letter will reach you, and that you will of course reply at YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE by returning the attached sheet with the date and time most convenient to you.

We eagerly await your correspondence.

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

Ministry of Magic

Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

House-elf Liaison Office

October 15, 2008. (Sent 6:13 pm.)

Dear Granger,

I am writing today with my sincerest and deepest apologies to you and the rest of the talented and esteemed so-called House-Elf Liaison Office (that would be all one of you, I presume?). Until this weekend, I figured your mail had gotten lost in the post, until I happened upon what appeared to be burned remnants of three similar letters in my fireplace. This, I can assure you, was not on purpose. You see, I take house elf rights very, very seriously and I promise that elvish welfare is the most pressing matter in the entire world to myself and my family. We wouldn't dream of a more interesting or more taxing issue to the wizarding community than that of our beloved house elves' fair treatment.

I would very, very much like to schedule a meeting with you on the nearest date possible, but unlike most of the sheep you solicit for time I happen to have an esteemed position at my place of business where I am very much needed. It may behoove you to know that my wife, Astoria Malfoy, takes care of trivial matters such as these and thus you can reach her directly via the same address you used to genially ask for my response. I just really haven't the time for matters like my elves, however very pressing an issue this may seem to you and yours.

Feel very free to respond to this post at YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE.

Or, to put it more plainly, NEVER.

VERY VERY cordially,

D. Malfoy

Healer

Saint Mungo's Hospital for the Treatment of Magical Maladies and Injuries