A/N: This was co-written with my awesome friend willow-writer. We hope it gives you a bit of a giggle. :)
Disclaimer: Any recognisable characters and places belong to J. K. Rowling. Any recognisable music belongs to the appropriate peoples.
The Hog's Head, Twins and Firewhiskey
"Well boys, I think a celebration is in order! Cracking first day!" Fred said, locking the door to their newly opened Hogsmeade branch of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes and stepping out into the snowy street with his partners in crime.
"Couldn't agree more," Lee said, puffs of fog wafting from his mouth as he spoke, and he pulled his scarf closer to his face.
"What are we dawdling for then?" George asked. "To The Hog's Head." he announced with a grand sweeping gesture and began a brisk walk towards their favourite haunt.
As they stepped out of the bitter cold and into the warmth of the pub, the twins and Lee called a greeting to Aberforth, ordered three butterbeers and took their usual table in the corner. It had been almost a year since the War. During the time Fred, George and Lee had spent in Hogsmeade, readying their new shop for opening, they spent many a jolly evening in the pub. Subsequently, they had come to know the old barman very well and he had come to think of them fondly.
The pub itself had transformed somewhat since word of the owner's role during the war had got out. While it was still just as dingy and filthy, as any well-loved establishment should be, business was much better. Though all the old, faithful customers still returned, the clientele had become more varied and greater in number. Even cheeky young Hogwarts students occasionally frequented the pub hoping to score a Firewhiskey or some other even less innocent thrill.
George raised his glass in a toast. "To a successful first day and to all the rest we know will follow." Bringing his glass to his lips, George took a big swig of butterbeer and immediately choked, spilling most of it down his front.
His companions burst out laughing. Still recovering, George pointed across the pub to two girls who had just stood up to leave, one of whom was pleasantly familiar. Fred followed his twin's gaze and abruptly stood up knocking over his chair.
"SAUCY!" He called across the room. The girl turned, wincing at her old nickname and looking for the caller who dared use it. Spotting the trio she grinned and started walking over, her friend in tow.
Realising she was heading over, George looked down at his butterbeer-soaked shirt and quickly muttered a spell under his breath to clean it. Lee, who had not spotted the girl until Fred's outburst, broke into a broad grin as Sorcha and her friend came closer – the girl had been attractive when they had been at Hogwarts together, but the past three years had made her super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot, and Lee told her this by way of greeting.
Ignoring Lee's amorous comment, Sorcha warmly greeted the boys and introduced her friend, Natalia, before turning to Fred and giving him her famous scold. She crossed her arms, cocked her hip and berated him for the use of her old nickname.
"It's Sorcha! Really! I thought you three would have grown out of your old antics by now, but judging by the bright orange shop down the road, I guess not," she laughed. "Some things never change."
"Oh, we have grown out of our old antics, Saucy," said George, ignoring her request to use her real name, "and we've grown into bigger and better ones," he finished with a cheeky wink. "Join us for a drink and we'll tell you all about it. And then you can tell us what you've been doing since Hogwarts… Although," he paused, "my brother Percy tells me you're in his department at the ministry, so I'm going to need some serious Firewhiskey if your job is anywhere near as boring as his."
Natalia nodded her head, laughing as Sorcha punched George in the arm.
"Well," said Fred, "at least there is some pretty scenery, so we can sit back and appreciate all this," he gestured towards the girls, "while you bore us dumb with some exciting talk on the regulations on the thickness of cauldron bottoms."
"As much as I'd love to stay and open myself up to more abuse, we really should get going," Sorcha said reluctantly to a chorus of disappointed groans from the boys.
"Don't leave on my account!" Natalia told her friend. On more than one occasion when they were talking about their Hogwarts days, she remembered Sorcha saying that she regretted not getting to know the twins more intimately.
"But I was going to help you with that project before the big meeting tomorrow," Sorcha said, sounding torn.
"Nonsense! Stay here and catch up with the guys. It's not every day you get to be entertained by such a charming group of men," Natalia winked at the boys before adding, 'I'll see you in the office tomorrow… Saucy." She grinned. "Have fun!" And she walked out of the pub, throwing a speaking look over her shoulder and leaving Sorcha in the lion's den.
"Four shots of your finest Firewhiskey please, Abb," Fred called across the bar.
"Come and get them yourself you lazy sods!" the bartender shot back, chuckling under his breath.
When Fred returned with the Firewhiskey, it was to find his twin and friend trying to impress Sorcha with talk of things they had invented for their new range of metamorphmagus products – everything from breath mints that change your hair colour for an hour to rings that change your appearance depending on your mood. Sitting back down at the table, Fred realised Lee was trying to take credit for the mood rings.
"Not so fast, Jordan. That one was my idea." He then proceeded to explain to Sorcha how he had got the idea from muggle mood rings, which change colour with the wearer's mood.
"That sounds like an impressive bit of magic," Sorcha said, "if you could pull it off…"
"You doubt us, Saucy?" said George feigning offence. "Okay, so I can understand why you might have your doubts about these two," he said, indicating Fred and Lee, "but I was always the smarter twin!"
"You might be one brain cell smarter, but I'm the better looking twin by a long way," argued Fred. "Always have been, always will be. Especially now you have a hole in the side of your head!"
"Hey! Don't bag my holiness! Anyway, you have never been the better looking twin. We're identical you nimrod! Or we were until this happened," he pointed at the place his right ear used to be. "And I've been told it makes me look distinguished!" George said happily.
"It makes you look unbalanced! That's what," countered Fred.
George opened his mouth to continue arguing, but Lee stopped him, pulling a Weasley mood-ring from his pocked and showing it to them.
"Well why didn't you say you had one before?" asked George. Not waiting for a response he added, "Give it here. I'll show Saucy how it works." He took the ring from Lee and slipped it onto his middle finger. George's hair instantly grew to his shoulders and turned black and curly, his eyebrows became very bushy, and he sprouted a handlebar moustache. The other three burst out laughing. George picked up a spoon that was sitting on the table, using it as a mirror, and joined the others when he saw his ridiculous reflection.
When she had recovered from her laughing fit, Sorcha said to George, "I'm impressed. I always wondered why you boys didn't earn more O. at school. You really are quite brilliant."
Feeling slightly ignored, Lee took this moment as a good one to yell "SHOTS!" and he downed his Firewhiskey in one. He was followed by Fred and George, their glasses immediately refilling themselves. Sorcha was a bit reluctant to take the shot, explaining she had work early the next morning, but with a bit of coaxing from the boys, she agreed, picking up the glass and taking the shot. She instantly regretted it. She could feel the liquid burning down her throat like its namesake, to settle in her hollow stomach. The second shot went down much smoother, giving her a warm feeling emanating from within. Added warmth came from being in the company of her merry trio of schoolmates again. She was surprised to find that she had missed their banter and absurd but unfailingly entertaining antics. They had matured to a degree but remained refreshingly irreverent. So when George raised a third round of shots she didn't hesitate to raise her own glass with the others.
He stood and dramatically raised his shot high. "A toast: to good company… And you dodgy lads as well."
...
After Lee had lost count of how many shots of Firewhiskey he had taken, he announced very loudly (as only a very drunk Gryffindor can) that he wished to have a pint of dragon beer. He attempted to stand too quickly and promptly fell over. Lee righted himself, to much laughter from the twins and Sorcha, then staggered over to the bar and propped himself against it. Opening his mouth to speak Lee tried to order his drink but instead vomited all over the bar and Aberforth. The usually affable bartender was already irritated but this made him positively irate.
Lee gave him a sickly sheepish grin and next thing he knew his rear was hitting the cobblestones outside The Hog's Head. Standing up, Lee rubbed his backside and waited a few minutes, expecting his friends to join him outside. When the only person that appeared was an old and very hairy witch, he moved to look through a window to where the twins where still entertaining Sorcha. Feeling slightly deflated Lee turned and trudged back towards Weasley's Wizard Wheezes where he could camp out in the back room for the night.
Fred and George had seen Lee throw up on the bartender and laughed uproariously when he was none too gently thrown out, but were soon diverted from the thought of their absent comrade by the all too entertaining Sorcha.
"So what have you guys been up to? Nothing too stupidly daring, I hope?" Sorcha asked.
George laughed. "Well, I got my ear blown off, but you might have heard about that."
"Oh, only the twenty or so times you brought it up it the past couple of hours!" Sorcha laughed. "I say, all your heroics sound extremely brave."
"Well, I am a Gryffindor. You should expect great acts of bravery from me," George said.
"Well, there are the brave Gryffindors, and then there are the reckless ones… And then there are the Weasleys." Sorcha said, making Fred and George grin.
"Hear that, Fred? We get out own category!" George said triumphantly, throwing his hands in the air in celebration.
Fred nodded. "I like this girl, she understands us."
"Especially for someone who never took the time to get to know us," George added.
"Yes," agreed Fred. "I always thought you should have gotten to know us a bit better, Saucy… If you know what I mean," he said, winking.
"Steady on, brother!" George told his twin.
"Hey, you never know, Saucy might live up to her namesake one day."
"Yes, but until then, she's far too tame for the likes of either of us," George informed Fred.
"I'm still here you know! And seeing as you never took the time to find out at school, how would you know if I'm too tame for you?" she asked them both, raising her eyebrows.
Fred gaped at her, while George, who had just picked up his shot glass once more, sprayed Firewhiskey across the table.
"Are you saying what I think you're saying, Saucy?" Fred asked.
"I'll need more to drink before I answer that."
George stood up immediately. "MORE FIREWHISKEY!" he called towards the bar.
"You're glass is refillable you idjit!" Aberforth yelled back.
George glanced down and realised that his shot glass was indeed refilling itself as he watched. "Oh yeah... Bottoms up!" He picked up his glass and then looked to Sorcha. "Come on Saucy, you too!"
She raised her own glass and declared, "A toast! To the most outrageous duo I know! And the best looking," she added as an afterthought.
The boys beamed and they joined her in slamming back their shots.
"Fred, you might want to take it easy… Remember what happened last time you drank too much Firewhiskey?" George said.
"No, actually," Fred informed him.
Sorcha laughed, not entirely surprised at that. "Now, tell me about your business! And George, come a little closer. I never got to see your war wound properly."
George happily scooted closer to Sorcha and put his arm around her shoulder, winking at Fred.
In return, Fred raised his brow and sidled up to her other side, making sure his brother did not gain any unfair advantage.
"Well, our Diagon Alley branch was so successful, we couldn't keep up with all the post orders from Hogwarts during the year, so we thought it would be a good idea to open a branch up here, in Hogsmeade. That way the students can pay a visit during their Hogsmeade days, and their owl orders can get to them sooner."
"That's my boys; always with a cunning plan," Sorcha said.
"And what about you, my saucy wench?" Fred asked, twirling a strand of her hair around his finger, earning him a scowl from George.
"Well, I will admit, my life has been a lot duller without you guys."
"Everyone's life is dull without us, Saucy," George said quickly. "I didn't believe Percy when he said you worked with him. You're much too exciting – and gorgeous – to work with such a bore."
Sorcha grinned. "Flattery will get you everywhere my dear," she said. "Just tell Percy it won't get him here!" she added, pointing at her shirt and making the boys howl with laughter.
"Is he giving you a hard time?" Fred asked, seriously.
"No, but he'd like to be!"
"You're much too good for our dear older brother, Saucy," George told her, while Fred made a gagging noise.
George reached across Saucy to bang Fred hard on the back, making him spit out firewhiskey out all over his pants.
Fred shot his brother a glare and then asked Sorcha, "Care to help a brother out, Saucy? You were always the best with your hand…" here he shot a sly look at George before continuing, "… gesture spells."
Sorcha laughed. "Oh, you! I was better at most things than either of you at school because I worked my butt off!"
"Well put your skills to work then!" Fred told her.
"She's not a piece of meat, Fred. Treat her with some respect!" George berated his brother. Then he turned to Sorcha and added with a wink, "But yes, care to demonstrate your skills?"
"I never implied that, you bugger!" Fred yelled.
"But you were thinking it," George said knowingly.
"If you'll care to shut up, I'd be happy to demonstrate my skills," Sorcha said over the top of the boys' bickering.
They both broke off immediately and stared at her.
"Are you saying what Fred wishes you're saying?" George asked.
"That depends… on what Fred is wishing," she said, winking, before bursting out into laughter and the matching looks of wonder on the twins' faces.
"Oi, scoundrels!" Aberforth called out to small group. "I'm heading upstairs. You're welcome to stay as long as you like, but lock up behind you. And the place better not be a shambles when I wake up!"
The three companions looked up to find that the bar had emptied around them, the bartender making his way up the rickety stairs.
Fred and George shared a look of delight. "So, Saucy, you were talking about showing us your skills?" Fred asked, suggestively.
"I'm not the night's entertainment!" she laughed.
"Oh," George said, sounding disheartened. "I was so hoping you were."
Sorcha laughed again, before standing up and walking over to the wizarding jukebox. "Well then, how about some music to set the mood?" She turned her back on them and fiddled with the machine for a minute before music started thumping through the bar.
"I love this song!" Fred and George screamed at the same time, both jumping up and beginning to sing:
Move your body like a hairy troll
Learn' to rock and roll
Spin around like a crazy elf
dancin' by himself
They both climbed atop the bar, joined by Sorcha who screamed the chorus, all the while jumping and spinning and dancing.
Can you dance the Hippogriff
Ma, ma ,ma ,ma, ma,ma,ma
Flyin' off from a cliff
Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma
Swooping down to the ground
Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma
When the song ended, the twins screamed for more and Sorcha obliged, downing another shot of firewhiskey before walking back over to the jukebox and picking another song.
As the lyrics started, Sorcha began to dance while the twins listened in confusion.
Wild thing you make my heart sing
You make everything groovy, wild thing
"I don't know this song, Saucy," Fred said, "but I think it suits you."
"It definitely suits you!" George said, grinning and walking over to Sorcha to dance with her.
When the song finished and Sorcha started to head back to the jukebox, George put a hand on her arm to stop her. "Now it's our turn," he said. He shared a grin with Fred and the latter walked over, pressed a few buttons and a new song was soon blasting through the room.
When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he fly
I pimp to the beat, walking down the street in my new lafreak, yeah
"I've never heard this one," Sorcha said, but Fred and George quickly shushed her.
Without more than a second's glance at each other, they both jumped onto the bar and started dancing. Without faltering in their dance steps, the twins pulled out their wands and pointed them at their pants. Discarding their wands on the floor, they gave Saucy the patented Weasley grin and a wink. As the line 'I'm sexy and I know it' blared from the juke box, with an impressive flourish Fred and George ripped off their pants.
...
The trio awoke to a rhythmic pounding and a cold draft in some inexplicable places. The pounding was in fact, the footsteps of their patron of the past night, Aberforth, as he came down the stairs. Each step pierced through their skulls with a painful thud. No one was brave enough to open their eyes yet.
As she struggled towards consciousness, Sorcha heard a deep, horse groan to her left and froze. It took a few seconds for her mind to comprehend her state of undress as she felt her arms break out in goosebumps from the morning chill. As she took stock she realised the vast difference in temperature of her back and front in comparison to her arms, legs and feet. Her waist had a companionable arm slung over it which was attached to the torso warming her back and the light breath stirring her hair. Her head rested on a solid muscular shoulder and arm. She was grateful that there was no evidence of drool. She didn't dare try to get up lest she disturb her slumbering companions. She was just too discombobulated to face the crippling awkwardness that was sure to come. What had happened last night? More worryingly, how had she ended up sleeping with, ('No, sleeping next to!' she sharply cut off that phrasing even in her head, and then decided never to yell at herself in her head again because it hurt too much), two very naked men?
Beside her, similar thoughts were slowly surfacing in the minds of her twin companions. All of them silently hoped that perhaps they could just go back to sleep for a while, but that was not to be.
A cough woke the twins, who both sat up and instantly regretted the sudden movement as a sharp pain pierced their skulls.
"Morning," said Aberforth, a little too cheerfully. He was standing by the foot of the stairs with his arms crossed, a smirk on his face. "I see you three had a good evening."
The threesome, who were all now fairly upright and looking rather confused, flushed as they realised what they had probably done the night before. Before they could give this any further thought, Aberforth flicked his wand at the grotty window shades. They flew open and the morning sun came streaming in. All four of the pub's inhabitants let out a shriek – the twins and Sorcha because the bright light made their heads pound, Aberforth because he had just seen the state of his pub in the daylight. He was not pleased. The floors were spotless, not one smudge of dirt to be seen. The chairs and tables looked like they had been cleaned and even the glasses behind the bar appeared to have been polished.
"Bloody hell! What did you do?" he yelled. "My clients don't want a respectable establishment," he spat, "they want character! You three better have this place back to its former glory by the time I get back. Or," he stared at the twins hard, "your mother will be hearing about this!"
His gaze dropped to Fred's lap. "Nice hat." They all looked down to find a leprechaun hat was the only thing preserving Fred's modesty. George was not so lucky.
"Now if you'll excuse me," Aberforth said. "I have to go see a man about a goat." With that he turned on his heel and strode out the door.
The three shared a moment of befuddlement which was interrupted by Aberforth's head poking back through the doorway. "Be sure to disinfect the place! The 'chastity belt' charm may have stopped you from defiling each other in my pub, but your naked arses were still plastered to the bar!"