Lets Do It
AU Present Day/POTC
A Parody Of "Just Lose It"
Performed by Captain Jack Sparrow
Dedicated to all Slash Fans of POTC
Disclaimer - I am in no way connected to the charaters in this parody. Just using them for my own sick, twisted, perverted, horny fun.
"I'm sorry, luv!!! It won't happen again!" said Jack as he followed Will into their cabin. "Please luv!"
"And why should I forgive you?" shouted Will. "You promised that you would never drink vodka if I went out with you again, but you did!! And look what happened? You got locked up!!! I had to pawn my chains to bail you out!!"
"Please luv!! I'll do anything if you kiss me an' forgive me."
Will thought for a moment. In truth he wasn't all that mad, but he enjoyed feighing anger to make Jack do silly things for him. Deep down, he believed that Jack knew he was never really angry, because after he did what silly task Will set out before him, he would shag Will so hard and long that he would be sore for days.
But he couldn't resist the urge to get some kind of payback.
"Alright, I'll forgive you. But you have to do something for me."
Jack stared at him. He recalled that last time he agreed to this. Because he had gotten drunk at a bar and stumbled into a brothel, Will accused him of cheating. In truth, he passed out on the floor, and the women and customers just stepped over him. When Will asked him for his coin bag to prove that he hadn't paid for a whore, he found it missing.
"I must have been robbed in me sleep," he offered. Will didn't buy it, and after three days of sleeping alone and recieving glares and pointed looks from him, he agreed to forgive Jack if he sailed into the next port butt naked. Jack agreed, because he wanted his Will back, but made him pay for it later.
"What need I do, luv?"
"Entertain me. With song and dance."
Jack sighed. He would entertain the blacksmith alright...
"Alright luv. I'll do it. I'm gonna rap for you."
Will looked puzzled. He knew what rap was, but was under the impression that his lover hated it, since he usually listened to jazz and such. He decided to call his bluff.
"Fine then. You may begin whenever you're ready."
Jack moves to the center of the cabin and the music starts.
Guess who's back, back again?
Sparrow's back, tell a friend.
Now Will report to the dance floor, to the dance floor
I mean James report to the dance floor, Alright Stop... Hangover Time!!
Verse 1
Come here me maties, on me lap
Guess who's back with a brand new rap?
And me don't mean rap as in a new case in pilfering Port Royals' tired harbor.
(OH-OH-OH-OH-OH)
No worries, me just want long dildo toys
What else could me possibly do to make noise
I done touched on everything but Will's 'Almond Joy'
Now that's not a stab at Michael
That's just a metaphor, I'm just psycho
I go a little bit crazy sometimes
I get a little out of control with me rhymes
Good Gods, dip, do a slide
Bend down, touch your toes and just glide
(Watches Will bending over and slightly drools)
Up the center of the dance floor
Like TP for me bunghole
(Cuts to Norrington and Gillette dancing at a club)
And it's cool if you let one go
Nobody's gonna know, who'd hear it?
Give a little 'poot poot', it's OK!!
(Cuts back in time to see Gillette fart and the back of his shirt flies up. Norrington fans his nose and looks disgusted)
Oops, my CD just skipped
And everyone just heard you let one rip
Chorus
Now I'm gonna make you dance, here's your chance
Yeah Will, shake that ass
Oops I mean James James James James
Now you know you're my world
(Winks at Will who smiles and blushes)
Alright Let's Do It
(OH-OH-OH-OH-OH)
Let's Do It
(OH-OH-OH-OH-OH)
Just ride me
(OH-OH-OH-OH-OH)
Oh Will
(OH-OH)
I mean James
(OH-OH)
Verse 2
It's Friday and it's my day
Just to party all the way to Sunday
Maybe till Monday, I dunno what day
Everyday's just a holiday
Sailing on The Black Pearl
On the deck face down
I dunno where I'm goin'
All I know is when I get there
Me Will's gonna touch my body
(Cuts to Anamarie and Jack)
Excuse me wench, I don't mean to sound like a jerk
But I'm feelin' just a little stressed out from work
Could you punch me in the stomach and pull my hair?
(Anamarie punches Jack in the gut)
Spit on me, maybe gouge my eyes out? (Yeah)Now, what's your name whelp?
What's your sign?
Elizabeth Swann "Man, you must be up out your mind"
ELIZABETH! (AH-AH)
Beer goggles blind!
I'm just tryna unwind
Chorus
Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah Will shake that ass
Oops I mean James James James James
Now you know you're my world
Alright Let's Do It
(Oh-OH-OH-Oh-OH)
Let's do it
(OHOHOHOHOH)
Just ride me
(OH-OH-OH-OH-OH)
Oh Will
(OH-OH)
I mean James
(OH-OH)
Verse 3
It's Tuesday and I'm locked up
I'm in jail and I don't know what happended
They say I was running butt naked
Down the street in Port Royal moaning
(OH-OH-OH-OH)
Well I'm sorry, I don't remember
All I know is this much
I'm not guilty
They said, "Save it, pirate there's some people who saw you
yellin' at Govn. Swann 'touch my body!'"
Now this is the part where the rap breaks down
It gets real intense, no one makes a sound
Everything looks like it's Tortuga now
The beat comes back and everybody lose themselves
Snap back to reality
Look it's Barbossa!
Yo you signed me up to battle!?
I'm a grown man!
Chubba chubba chubba chubba chubba chubbie
I don't have any lines to go right here so, chubba teletubbie!
(Cuts to Barbossa's Crew)
Pirates (WHAT?!) Pirates (WHAT?!)
Grab you left nut, make right one jealous (what?)
(Cuts over to see Ragetti grabbing his left nut. Barbossa slaps him upside his head and his eye pops out.)
Black girls
White guys
Skinny girls
Fat girls
Tall guys
Small guys
I'm callin' all pirates
Everyone report to the dance floor
It's your chance for a little romance whore
Butt squeezin' it's the season
Just go (OH-OH-OH-OH)
It's so appeasin'
Chorus
Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah Will shake that ass
Yeah I mean Will Will Will Will
Now you know you're my world
Alright Let's Do It
(OH-OH-OH-OH-OH)
Let's Do It
(OH-OH-OH-OH-OH)
Just ride me
(OH-OH-OH-OH-OH)
Oh Will
(OH-OH)
Oh Will
(OH-OH)
(Starts rubbing his chest, stomach and crotch)
OutroUmMmMmm touch my body
UmMmMmm touch my body
Ooh Will just touch my body
That's right Will touch my body
Will was in shock. He couldn't belief that Jack came up with something that quick.
Jack sat down next to him.
"So what did ye think?" he asked.
"Well, it certainly was... entertaining. One question, though. Just who the hell is Michael?"
"No one, luv. I couldn't think of a word that rhymed 'psycho', and it seemed like an opportune moment, so, that's how I came up with that."
"Oh. Well, I forgive you. Oh, and why all the mentions of Norrington? I get it... you wanna shag him, now huh? I thought you mmmmm..."
Will was suddenly cut off by Jack's tongue. Over the years, he had learned this is one of a few ways to shut up the blacksmith from talking. The fact that he had the most kissable lips was only a sidenote.
"Will, luv. I love you. Not Norrington. I just did that because I don't like you pretending to be angry at me to get me to shag you hard. All you need do is ask."
Will looked at him. He was right; Jack had known all the time.
"I'm sorry, Jack. Will you forgive me?"
Jack rubbed his beard. Now was his chance to make Will do his bidding for once.
"I'll tell ye what – just swivel me an' we'll consider it forgotten."
Will smiled. He decided right then, he would never have Jack do anymore stupid things like that. Well, maybe he'll have Jack to rap for him again, after changing a few names...
"Consider said shagging done," he said with a grin as he pushed Jack back on the bed.
-Fin