"Harry, wake up." Harry awoke, thrashing in his bed sheets. Around him stood several of his companions, his loyal but stupid pal Ronald Weasley, his brilliant but annoying friend Hermione Granger, that other guy Dean Thomas or was it Seamus Finnigan? (And also there was Neville Longbottom.) Harry was startled by their proximity.

"What the hell you guys? Why the hell is everyone crowding around my bed? Is it my birthday?" Hermione leapt back immediately and gracefully. The others trudged back with significantly less grace.

"Harry, are you okay? You were having a nightmare and screaming various obscenities", cried Hermione in concern. Harry quickly looked around, "Yeah look I'm fine. I just- hang on. What the hell are you doing in the boy's dormitories Hermione?" Hermione looked aside.

"I was- uh just passing through? Yeah that sounds legit." Harry started.

"What?"

"Uh look it doesn't matter. What was your nightmare about Harry?"

"Yeah," chimed in Ron, clearly desperate to prove useful, "what did you dream about." Harry shook his head bewildered.

"I think it was about Voldemort." Hermione, Ron and Dean gasped. Then Neville gasped.

"Voldemort!" they cried. Harry grimaced, "Yeah, pretty surprising am I right? Look, I should probably just go tell Dumbledore about it or something." Hermione nodded, "That's a good idea Harry." Ron nodded dumbly in the background. Harry smiled awkwardly, "Okay. I'll go do that then." He walked off, twisted almost diagonally as he walked out, very aware of their intense stares.

"What the hell was that all about, thought Harry to himself as he wandered down the dark corridor. He pulled out the Marauder's Map.

"I solemnly sweat that I'm up to no good." The Map briefly showed an image of a particularly rude gesture. Harry said once again, "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." This time the map activated. Harry wondered what he had done wrong. But it didn't matter because suddenly Snape appeared clutching a knife. Harry swore.

"Snape, what the hell are you-"but he found it hard to finish the sentence because Snape had rather rudely interrupted Harry and shoved the knife into his jugular. Harry coughed heavily, "Hargly shut." Snape pulled out his wand, "Not a word of this to anyone Potter." Harry fell to his knees, hands around his neck, hacking and coughing. Snape stared at him with pure loathing, "What's the matter Potter? Can't respect me enough to dignify me with a response? You sicken me." Harry choked as he tried to swear. The pain was unbearable. Blood dripped from his lips. He slipped to the ground. Snape smirked, "Good night Mr Potter. Pleasant dreams."

As his boots thudded down the hallway, Harry began to slip into darkness. He surmised he was probably dying. He had never really expected his death to be like this. He had imagined a more glorious death. Fighting Voldemort, man to man. Or at least taking on an army of Death Eaters. Perhaps even wrestling Uncle Vernon. But dying in a corridor bleeding from the throat had not really occurred to him. It was so… anticlimactic. He began to fall unconscious, only faintly aware that someone was gripping him around the waist, hauling him onto a chair, biting his neck… It was irrelevant. He was dying. This… was the end.

Harry felt the cold ground pressing against his skin, and steel through his neck. The pain was unbearable. The light seemed to burn his skin… Wait. Harry opened his eyes. He was lying in the middle of a courtyard, in a pool of blood he surmised was his own. Tasty, he thought briefly to himself. Then he froze.

"What the hell did I just think?" he gasped aloud. He felt his neck, feeling two wounds. A large gash, and… bite marks? Harry looked at the blood on his fingers, feeling a sudden urge to lick his fingers. He strode over into the shadow of a building.

"What does it mean?" he cursed. Harry felt a sudden weight on his shoulders. It was Dumbledore's hand.

"Dumbledore!" gasped Harry.

"Harry I have terrible news. It appears you have been transformed."

"But into what?" gasped Harry. His lungs had never been so filled with air. Dumbledore frowned.

"Harry, did you receive brain damage or something? You drink blood, hate sunlight etc. It's quite clear." Harry grimaced, "Well spit it out old man." Hagrid put a hand on Harry's shoulders.

"Yer a vampire Harry."

"I'm a what?" Harry asked.

"A vampire." Harry gaped.

"But, I can't be a vampire. I'm- I'm just Harry." Hagrid smiled.

"Well Just-Harry, you are a vampire." Harry shook his head.

"No I'm not. I'm just Harry." Hagrid's smile slipped.

"No Harry you are a vampire." Harry gritted his teeth, "I'm just Harry." Hagrid smile flipped vertically, "For God's sake Harry! You are a vampire. Deal with it!" Harry stood silent.

"I'm a what?" At this point Hagrid basically flipped out. He grabbed Harry by the chest and slapped him hard across the face. Harry coughed blood.

"What was that for?" Hagrid swore.

"Harry. You are a vampire. You drink blood and hate the sun. Deal with it." Harry put up his hands defensively.

"Okay, I get it." Hagrid lowered Harry back onto his feet. With a red gleam in his eye, Harry reached into his neck and pulled. Before Hagrid could react, a slash of steel flashed before his eyes and he fell to the ground, gasping. Dumbledore reeled back in shock.

"Harry what have you done?" he screamed. Harry looked at the old man, and felt a sudden hunger. Dumbledore's eyes widened.

"Harry, please." Harry drew closer, clutching a red-steel blade.

"Consider this revenge for Sirius, old man." Dumbledore's eyes were bulging. They seemed ready to burst, like grapes in a microwave. Harry smiled evilly before lunging (and then… lunching). As Harry stood over his fallen mentor, he pondered his next move. Would he proceed to systematically kill and drink the blood of everyone he knew? Yes, he thought himself, that sounded reasonable.

An unstoppable blood thirst had entered Harry since the transformation. He wanted to watch everyone die. Perhaps this was why vampires were rarely allowed to live in the Wizarding World, Harry thought to himself. After all, he was an undead, magical murdering monster intent on massacre. One name stood out among the others in his mind. Snape. Harry smiled. Vengeance would be sweet.

Meanwhile, in a courtyard perpendicularly adjacent, Hermione and Ron were arguing. You could feel the tension in the air, but was it aggressive, sexual or both? Ron glared at Hermione, hands on his hips, legs spread apart.

"Look Hermione, all I want to know is what the hell you were doing in our dormitory last night. It seems a little suspect to me, you just 'happened to be passing through'." Hermione scoffed, twirling around and sultrily flicking her head over her shoulder, "Oh so what you think I'm laying- I mean, lying do you Ron? Don't you tryst me?" Ron frowned, "Did you mean to say 'trust' or…" Hermione blushed angrily.

"Of course you ginger hotty. Hot-head. I said Hot-head. Your head is so hot. But platonically." Ron looked quizzical, "I'm don't think I'm fellating- I mean, following this conversation anymore. What were we even talking abutt- I mean, about?" Hermione shrugged, "I don't even know. Let's frisk Harry. Find! I said find!" They tramped up the stairs, in a steady rhythm. Suddenly they chanced upon Draco and Crabbe locked in a tight embrace.

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Hermione.

"That was my line," scowled Ron. Draco shot up at once.

"This is not what it looks lick!"

"I think you mean 'like'," offered Ron. Draco scowled, remaining in his erect position (which is to say, standing up straight…) "I don't even lick- I mean, like him in that way Granger, you dirty mud-blood witch!" As Hermione burst into tears, Ron scowled harder than ever before. He had never been so hard (His scowl that is.)

"For God's sake Malfoy I inserted- oh for God's sakes I meant, insulted you not her! Why the hell does everyone ignore my contributions?" But before Draco could get in another word, the wall burst open and through it climbed… Harry Potter. Draco smirked.

"Well if it isn't Hairy Pothead, the boy who smoked. I'm surprised you haven't been arrested for illegal possession of gillyweed." Harry sighed.

"Draco, you stupid Aryan jerk. Your fly's undone." Draco gasped and looked down to check. Harry was indeed correct.

"Err, yeah well, I just finished giving it to that Mud blood if you know what I mean." Hermione scowled, "Hey Draco, how'd you get that bruise?" Draco frowned.

"What bruise-" but he never finished that sentence because at that point he had been hit full-on in the crotch by Hermione's Crucio Curse. Draco squealed, screamed and sobbed.

"Oh god, the pain I'm feeling right now! It's actually pretty bad! Please stop that." But it was too late because he died. Hermione gasped.

"What did you do!"

Ron said, "What? That was you Hermione." Then Hermione swore, because she had failed to trick Ron. Also Crabbe had been eaten by Harry so there were no witnesses.

"The perfect crime…" mused Hermione. Ron raised an eyebrow. "What will we do with the body?" Hermione stroked her chin thoughtfully. If she had had a beard, she would have looked especially thoughtful. But looks aren't everything.

"Harry you have to eat Draco. Stick him in your mouth right this second!" Harry then proceeded to chow down. It was horrifying to watch. Hermione would later compare the spectacle to a mother bear swallowing her new-born bear cub octuplets whole.

"My god," gasped Hermione, "it's like watching a mother bear swallowing her new-born bear cub octuplets whole." And with that the prophecy was fulfilled.

"What prophecy?" cried Ron, in vain towards the heavens. With that, a bolt of lightning fell from the sky, tearing the astronomy tower in twain. The trio screamed and leapt out of the way of the flaming wreckage. But were they successful? (The answer is yes)

"What is happening?" sobbed Ron, "Nobody is acting in character and nothing is making any god damn sense anymore!" Just then a pile of bricks fell from the sky and crushed Ron. Hermione tutted softly under her breath.

"How ironic. After a life of breaking the fourth wall, the fourth wall finally broke Ron." Just then Ron's hand burst from the wreckage. He was making a rather obscene gesture.

"What the shit!" he cursed as he clamoured out from the bricks, "What in God's name is going on?" Harry put his hand on Ron's shoulder.

"Calm down Ron. It's all going to be alright, I am going to bring you piece. You Death Eater Scum!" he screamed as he lunged toward Ron. Ron cursed, "What! How the hell did you come to that conclusion?" Suddenly, Ginny burst out from the floorboards.

"Nobody is coming without me." She whispered. Harry dropped the knife and rushed over to Ginny. They started making out. Ron was agape. Their bodies thrust together and seemed to merge into some unholy conglomeration of flesh. Whatever it was, writhed and wriggled on the ground. It was sickening to watch. Hermione leapt onto Ron's back. She was foaming from the mouth at this point.

"Ride quickly! We must get to the Pensieve before the sun sets, or we'll all turn into centaurs!" She dug her talons (?) into Ron's side. Ron tried to push her off but she had transformed into a bald eagle.

"Hurry Ron, the first stage is complete! Only you can reverse the effect!" Ron ran and ran, ascending countless flights of stairs. They seemed infinite in number. Suddenly Ron slipped and all he could see were mirrors, endless mirrors scattered across eternity, each one reflecting Harry's reflection where his own ought to be. He took one last breath and screamed for an eternity as he hurtled down further into the abyss…"

"And at that point I woke up," Harry explained. Dumbledore reclined thoughtfully in his chair, stroking his beard.

"Well Harry that was one of the more disconcerting dreams you have reported to me. But I don't feel it is likely to be connected to Lord Voldemort. If anything, it's an expression of your sub-conscious." Harry frowned, "I thought Freudian psychology had been proved obsolete or misled?" Dumbledore smiled smugly, "Harry, I can assure you that your dream is hardly likely to be an expression of your carnal desire for your mother or feelings of inadequacy in regards to the size of your genitalia. I'm assured that you can sleep soundly in regards to that matter, if what I hear tell is true."

Harry frowned. Was that supposed to be comforting? He hadn't exactly understood Dumbledore's meaning, but there was something unsettling about it.

"Uh thanks? Anyway, I'll probably go back to bed." Dumbledore raised his hand earnestly, "Oh and Harry? It may serve you well to start sleeping in your cloak. In case of unwelcome visitors." Harry nodded uneasily. As he started back towards the Common Room, it occurred to him that sharing his dreams with Dumbledore hadn't assuaged his fears at all. It had merely added to them. And also maybe, he should be nicer to Ron? Yeah that would be a good lesson to take away from the experience, he thought to himself as he crawled back into his bed.

THE END