Uhh...for some reason, my other submission of this story got deleted or something. At first, it wouldn't let me access the reviews, and then it just said "Story cannot be found."
Now it just completely disappeared from my records, no trace of it or anything, no email alert, nothing. Was it deleted, lost, explodified, what? IS IT BECAUSE I SAID GAY? TOO MUCH ASS-FONDLING? UNPROVOKED MIROKU ENTRANCE? D8
If someone could tell me what most likely happened, I'd be very happy, and possibly even give that person a cookie!
So, I'm uploading it again.
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.
This started as an AIM convo, so it's pretty stupid.
One fine day, for absolutely no reason, Envy decided to go on a refreshing walk in the brisk morning air.
However, since the author felt like being a bastard, he suddenly releases a cageful of Hughes fangirls directly in Envy's path. After some confusion, they spot Envy and come at him with torches and pitchforks! Envy, being the clever little Homunculus that he is, turns into Hughes.
Envy: He went that way. (points somewhere to his left)
But that was where Envy made a fatal mistake. He could only compare his experience to the depths of Hell as the raging fangirls enveloped Hughes-Envy and smothered him into nothingness.
Envy: Oh dear lord!
Thankfully, Envy managed to free himself from the rabid fangirls and attempted to run.
Suddenly, Ed magically appeared and used his trademark SPINNING BRAID OF DEATH! Omg ph34r
Envy is lashed into the air and does several rather lovely spins before slamming down face-first onto the asphalt. He looks up only to see a smirking Ed staring down upon him.
Giant hand comes down from sky and writes "And then Ed kissed Envy"
Ed and Envy look at the sky in disgust.
Ed and Envy: THIS ISN'T A GAY FANFIC WTF MAN!
Author: Ok, Ok, fine…
But suddenly, to most everyone's relief, Ed evaporates for no reason…
Envy: HOORAY!
…and is replaced by mass of writhing Ed fangirls, all of which have seen episode 50.
Envy: AUGHHHH!
The homicidal group draws closer and closer to Envy…but then Mustang appears, accompanied with heroic music!
Mustang: ROY TO THE RESCUE!
Mustang tries to save Envy by using his MINISKIRT RAIN OF DOOM to stop the mass of fangirls! But then, all the fangirls combine into one giant fangirl of death…AND SHE'S HOT! And, to Mustang's great joy, she's WEARING A MINISKIRT! Mustang jumps upon her shoulder and leads the sudden and unexplained charge against Envy, only to be shot down by Hawkeye.
Scar comes from nowhere, wearing a miniskirt. Ed, who has reformed his atoms, bursts out laughing and is demobilized, allowing Scar to kill him. The giant fangirl turns on the poor Ishbalan.
Fangirl: ME BITE OFF HEAD!
Scar: Oh shit noes!
Scar runs away into the sunset, yelling something about the wrath of Ishbal.
All of a sudden, Al comes in and reveals himself to be...
STEVE FROM THE DELL COMMERCIALS! DUN DUN DUUUUUN! This shocks everyone, allowing Miroku to freely grope Hawkeye and the giant fangirl while they sit in their stupor. The giant fangirl notices a slight tickling sensation and notices Miroku fondling her ass…
Miroku: I assure you, my intentions are purely honorable!
He ducks as a giant (but sexy!) fist comes swinging through the air towards him.
Miroku: (screaming like a frightened schoolgirl) I JUST WANT YOU TO BEAR MY CHILDREN, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
Just as it looks like all hope is lost, Mustang and Miroku team up to deliver their TEAM COMBO MINISKIRT ASS GRAB OF DOOOOOOM! Armstrong, feeling left out, rips his shirt off and rushes in to demonstrate the correct way to grope girls in miniskirts.
Armstrong: (Preparing to touch the giant fangirl's butt while somehow flexing the whole time) THIS IS THE TECHNIQUE FOR STROKING WHICH HAS BEEN HANDED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENER-(Armstrong is crushed to a pulp as the giant fangirl sits on him, creating a dust cloud of pink sparkles)
All of a sudden, Envy pops back up out of a gopher hole and checks to make sure the fangirl is gone.
Mustang: (Noticing Envy) LET THE HUNT BEGIN! (fires shotgun into the air)
Miroku, seeing that the giant fangirl is now sitting, gets into position and prepares for his attack…and is flung into the distance, landing on the Goodyear blimp.
Envy runs as fast as his disturbingly unclothed legs can, in hopes of escaping the psychotic FMA crew, when Wrath unexpectedly pops out from behind a bush and glomps onto Envy's legs. Envy trips over the idiotic youngster and goes rolling down a grassy hill. Unfortunately, this hill was the place where Izumi had momentarily taken residence…for no reason at all. Crashing through her window, Envy gets up and surveys his surroundings for the .02 seconds he can before he is kicked in the head and makes an Envy-shaped hole as he flies out of the hill. Wrath, still attached to his leg, starts to whine that he needs to be bottle-fed by mommy.
Conveniently, Winry had just set up a babysitting service right on that same hill. So, leaving the child in her care, Envy resumes running from Mustang and his hunting gang. However, Envy soon finds himself face-to-face with the edge of a cliff! He gets down on his hands and knees and starts to pray to whichever god he can, when all of a sudden, a pink bubble floats down from the sky.
Bubble: Envy, you've always had the ability to go home whenever you wanted! Just click your- wait, you don't have any recognizable shoes...I suppose you can clap your hands together 3 times, or someth-
For no reason, a door shows up out of nowhere.
Door: No, no! Shut up you blabbering fool! He's just been asleep all this time!
The door handle opens its mouth and shows Envy sleeping on a tree. The sight of a sentient door was too much for poor Envy, and he decided to risk jumping off the cliff rather than trust a glowing pink bubble or some wacked-up talking door. Gluttony was coincidentally walking along the bottom of that very cliff, and looked up to see what the hell was screaming and getting closer and closer. Envy landed on poor Gluttony and was bounced to safety by Gluttony's flab.
"THERE HE IS! HI HO, SILVER! AWAAAAAAAAAY!" yelled Mustang as he and his troops looked over the cliff.
Ed, who is alive now because of some divine intervention, came up with the ingenious plan to transmute Alphonse/Steve into a parachute for all of them! However, seeing as he was made of metal, this turned out to be less than intelligent. Thankfully, that expendable guy who always hung out with Lt. Ross was on the bottom, and therefore nobody that mattered got hurt. Mustang, prying himself away from the others, untangled the rest of them and proceeded with the chase. Leaving that guy there to rot.
By this time, Envy was safely tucked away in a barrel when he just remembered he had the astounding ability to change his appearance! As Mustang and the rest of them passed Envy, Mustang thought something about the strange person looked familiar.
Mustang: You haven't by chance seen some green-haired skirt-wearing she-male pass by here, have you?
Envy: WHAT YOU SAY-I mean no sir, I haven't.
Mustang: Are you sure you haven't seen him? Say, you're wearing awfully familiar shoes...
Envy: Erm...well...This brand is becoming wildly popular in some parts of Asia…
Mustang: I see...You also seem to be wearing the same type of headband thing. HELL, YOU'RE WEARING THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT!
Envy: Uhh...I beat him up and stole his clothes?
Mustang: BUT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T SEE HIM! JESUS, YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Envy: Uh…err...No I don't!
Mustang: Oh yeah...his hair is green...yours is a distinct shade of vermilion. Sorry to trouble you, sir.
All of a sudden, Ed swings out of a tree and collides with Envy.
Ed: DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU! IT'S A DISGUISE! IT'S REALLY...
Ed pulls at Envy's face in an attempt to remove his "disguise".
Envy: WTF OW SHIT MAN! (Envy's hair changes back to green due to the excessive pain caused by having his face nearly torn off)
Mustang: HEY! THAT GUY NOT ONLY STOLE ENVY'S CLOTHES, BUT HE STOLE HIS HAIR TOO! AFTER HIM! Ed, I want you to continue looking for Envy while we catch this thieving felon!
Ed: ...ok
Ed wanders off into the woods as Mustang climbs on Hawkeye and spurs her into a full gallop.
Mustang: ONWARD!
After walking for a while, Ed comes to a clearing in the middle of the woods.
Ed: I'm bored. I wish something cool would happen.
Lust floats down dressed in a harem costume.
Lust: Your wish is my command!
A casino suddenly materialized out of nowhere!
Ed: OMFG LEIK COOL!1
Lust: Now if it pleases master, I would like to make wild rambunctious love to-
Ed transmutes her into coins to use in his gambling spree.
Ed: Gonna win Momma Winry an English muffin!
Elsewhere…
Continuing onwards, Mustang prods Hawkeye until she can take no more and collapses from fatigue. Mustang leaves her in the care of Greed, because they were good buddies as kids. Looking back at Greed's house, he figures that Hawkeye will be just fine. He ignores the sign reading "Greed's Quality Hoes: You bring 'em, we pimp 'em!" as he continues with his tireless efforts to subdue Envy.
Several hours later, somewhere in the woods…
Al: Nii-san, you're going crazy! Mom told us gambling wasn't any good!
Ed: (surrounded by empty Starbucks cups) SHUT UP ALPHONSE! (transmutes his automail into yet more coins)
Al: Nii-san, you shouldn't waste your money on gambling! Take a look at our extensive line of premium Dell PCs instead...
Al shoves his pamphlet into Ed's face, and is promptly transmuted into a pile of coins.
Al: NII-SAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ed: QUIET, AL! I'LL HIT THE JACKPOT IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!
Al: But we're supposed to be following the Colonel's orders!
Ed: THE COLONEL CAN BITE MY SHINY METAL- wait, I don't have a metal ass. Nor is it shiny. Well, he can bite YOUR shiny metal ass! Wait, you're a pile of coins, you don't have an ass anymore, but you ARE shiny and metal! MAYBE IF WE COMBINE, I CAN SHARE MY ASS AND YOU CAN SHARE YOUR SHINY METALNESS! THEN WE CAN TELL THE COLONEL TO BITE OUR SHINY METAL ASS TOGETHER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (downs several more coffees)
Al: ...
Ed: Anyway since I'm missing my artificial limbs now, Mustang can't possibly expect me to go on a mission in this condition!
Ed proceeds to shove Al-coins into the slot machine as none other than Havoc walks in! SURROUNDED BY BABES! Havoc's good fortune was not to last, however, as Envy ran by, followed by Mustang. Mustang is soon covered in miniskirt-clad women as Havoc starts to sob.
Havoc kicks Ed out of the way and pops a coin into the machine.
Ed: HEY WTF I WAS SO HERE FIRST!
Havoc miraculously wins due to the author's inability to have original ideas! Ed's screams are cut short as he is buried under a pile of coins. Havoc's eyes light up as he rushes to the coin exchange booth…and demands to trade them in for 500 sticky hands.
Casino Coin Woman: Uh...sir, we only trade those coins in for money-
Havoc: WHAT THE HELL! I'M AN HONEST HARD WORKING MAN AND I DEMAND STICKY HANDS! AND NOT THOSE FREAKING CHEAPASS ONES THAT FALL APART WHEN YOU WASH THE DIRT OFF THEM! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY! I'LL MAKE YOU ALL PAY!
Cackling madly, Havoc storms out of the casino, leaving his pile of coins on the counter. Ed rushes up and attempts to grab the coins, but he can't reach them! Ed collapses on the ground and cries uncontrollably.
Ed: If only I hadn't turned Alphonse into a pile of coins!
Mustang peeks through the mountain of topless women covering him and notices Ed.
Mustang: Fullmetal, why aren't you looking for Envy? I gave you strict orders!
He notices that Ed is lying on the ground kicking and screaming due to his inability to reach the coins.
Mustang: Really, Fullmetal, there's no need to stand.
Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE COULD- (Ed suddenly notices Mustang is covered by women)
Ed: Colonel, if this is a bad time...
Mustang: (Muffled) Nonsense, Fullmetal, what gave you that idea?
Everyone was silent until…wrenches came crashing down through the glass! Winry, dressed in a ninja outfit, leaps down from the window.
Winry: EDWARD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR AUTOMAIL?
Ed backed into a corner as Winry came towards him, an evil glint in her eyes. Her hand rested on a Shuriken-shaped wrench.
Ed: I uh...well you see...Alphonse made me do it!
Al: (Still a pile of coins) WHAT? YOU WERE THE ONE WHO-
Ed transmuted what was left of Al into an automail leg and ran out of the casino, Winry in pursuit, leaving Mustang and his horde of lovers behind.
As Winry's war cries faded away, Ed came to rest in a field of daffodils. As he sat looking at the clouds, Envy suddenly appeared and tripped over Ed's face.
Envy: WATCH WHERE YOU'RE PLANTED, YOU BEAN!
Ed: WHAT THE HELL I WAS JUST LAYING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS...Is that...a butterfly net you're holding?
Envy: Uh...NO (hides it behind his back) IT'S A...UM…It's a TUBA!
Ed: Why Envy, being musically talented is nothing to be ashamed of. Can I play it?
Envy thought frantically for an excuse to get out of revealing what he was hiding behind his back.
Envy: Um...well…uhh… the label says "Keep out of reach of children and/or beans." Sorry, but I can't let you play with this or I'd get in trouble for neglecting to utilize proper child safety measures.
At this point, Ed's face matched quite lovely with the shade of his coat.
Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN INFANTILE BEAN WHO CAN'T BE SEEN WITH AN ELECTRON MICROSCOPE EVEN WHEN HE'S RIGHT UP AGAINST THE LENS ON A WHITE BACKDROP AND A SPECK OF DUST SEEMS LIKE AN ELEPHANT NEXT TO WHICH COULDN'T EVEN CRUSH HIM BECAUSE HE'D SLIP IN BETWEEN THE GROOVES OF ITS FEET AND BE SAFE FROM ANY HARM?
Envy was blasted backwards by the explosion of air resulting in this outburst…
Bill Nye: Also known as Edward's Power Breath! WELL NOW YOU KNOW!
…right into the awaiting deathtrap known as...MAES HUGHES!
Hughes: Well hello there! Would you like to take a look at…oh, just some random pictures I have?
Envy: Please God no. Didn't I kill you?
Hughes: YOU WOULD? GREAT! THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL ELICIA! ISN'T SHE AMAZING? SHE CAN ALREADY COUNT TO 5 AND EAT HARD FOODS! SHE'S SO AMAZING! YESTERDAY SHE EVEN PICKED UP A SPOON ALL BY HERSELF! ISN'T SHE SOMETHING? SHE'S LIKE MY OWN LITTLE ANGEL OF CUTENESS WHO HOVERS IN MY MIND WHEREVER I GO! YESTERDAY, I NOTICED HER HAIR HAD GROWN BY .8 OF AN INCH! AND SHE DID A CUTE LITTLE BURP! OH, SHE'S JUST SO ADORABLE! JUST ONE LOOK AT HER AND ALL YOUR TROUBLES WILL MELT AWAY! I KNOW YOU WANT TO LOOK AT MORE PICTURES OF HER! WHAT'S THAT? YOU WANT TO GO TO HER BIRTHDAY PARTY? WHAT? YOU'LL PAY FOR HER COLLEGE EDUCATION? SHE'LL BE SO HAPPY!
Envy: JESUS CHRIST MAN, NOW I KNOW WHY THE PRODUCERS HAD YOU OFFED HALFWAY THROUGH THE SERIES!
Hughes: I KNOW! BUT TAKE A LOOK AT SOME MORE PICTURES! YOU'LL BE SURE TO LOVE THEM! (crams pictures into Envy's mouth)
Envy: GRAAH PTHT!
Envy spits the pictures out, which fall into some mud.
Hughes: NOOOOO! ELICIA! (scoops the pictures up and attempts to lick the mud off) Don't worry, baby! Daddy will save you!
Hughes runs off clasping the muddied pictures to his chest, tears streaming behind him. Envy watched the lunatic bound away and shook his head sadly.
Meanwhile, back in the woods…
The casino was a disaster area. Bras, panties, and miniskirts littered the slot machines as Mustang lay there amongst some 30 or so women. Mustang's…erm…"fun" was interrupted as Greed suddenly burst through the doors, accompanied by Hawkeye who was wearing an extremely revealing outfit. Greed then demanded that Mustang hand over his lovers.
Mustang: What? Why should I, they're perfectly happy with me!
Greed: So? I'm more deserving of them!
Mustang: No you're not! You're greedy as hell and you just want to lead them back to your place! THAT'S WHY YOUR NAME IS GREED!
Greed: Just…just for some tea! And possibly some crumpets!
Mustang: NO! Not even for half a cup.
Greed: I bet you're just jealous that I have Hawkeye and you don't.
Mustang: No! That's not it! I just…I'm MORE PIMPIN' THAN YOU!
Several people gasp, and then a hush falls over the crowd.
Greed: …Oh, is that so?
Mustang: Yes! Very MUCH so!
Greed: You've got some nerve challenging my title like that. PREPARE TO BE SHOT DOWN BY PURE PIMP!
Several hours later, after many insults and a pimp-off…
Mustang: Looks like we're evenly matched…however, since I had the women first, you've got no choice but to leave them with me!
Greed: It seems that you're forgetting one major thing. I have the pimp glasses, whereas you don't. And the pimp glasses dominate any of your pathetic attempts at pimpdom. Now fork them over, glove-boy.
Mustang: I…I…but….
Mustang slumped to his knees in defeat. He knew the war was over, and he had lost. Tears dampened his pyrotex gloves as Greed led the women who had been flocking around Mustang just minutes before away.
Well that was all pointless.
TO BE CONTINUED MAYBE POSSIBLY 8O