Me O Tojite
Snow can be a cruel reminder of the intense cold that follows every winter; swallowing everything in an icy bitterness. Beautiful as it may seem to some, Yuuki didn't find it so. It always reminded her of blood. Her eyes, usually bright and content, seemed to dull in the winter. He'd always noticed. The sparkle that appeared to outshine the moon, dimmed like dying embers.
This was the very reason he hated winter. It took that warm and gentle smile and turned it to frost on her lips. Her well hidden charade transparent to no one but him. He knew the smiles were only a ruse to throw off the less observant into the false sense of hope she always seemed to emit. She couldn't fool him though.
He'd watched her for so long, the difference between the real Yuuki and the facade she portrayed were achingly apparent to him. It pulled at his heart. Even though he knew her so well, he understood very little about her. The enigma of what ran through her mind may have been what turned him on to her in the first place.
He thought of her often; she was in everything he did, everything he saw. At night he dreamt of her, his senses going wild with the scent of her hair. An intoxicating mixture of roses and a sweet smelling nectar that he couldn't quite identify. She was stained in his very core.
He, on the other hand, couldn't smile the way she did. Not in true happiness, not as a facade. He couldn't see the brilliance in life that she somehow acquired vast knowledge of in her short sixteen years of life. Even more amazing that she only knew the events in eleven of these years; her memory of her life before that vanished in the snow.
"Yuuki?" his voice sounded quiet and somewhat distilled as he pulled away from the warm arms that embraced his slender yet strong frame. "Are you alright?" he asked timidly, as if expecting her to lash out at his selfishness, though he knew only that smile would come. Blood ran down the corners of his lips. The taste was sweet and infuriating all at once. How could he let himself slip again, allowing the beast within him take over his mind?
She turned her eyes to his, though his gaze was cast down to the floor, unwilling to meet that smile that he knew she wore despite the deep puncture wounds on the side of her neck. That smile again; that real smile that bore into his soul, letting it catch fire and burn his malice away. Why did she smile at him so when he was stealing her innocence with his sin?
"Don't worry," her reassuring tone causing him to lift his head a bit, but his eyes still downcast. "I'm perfectly fine, just as always. You shouldn't worry so much about me. Try worrying about yourself for once." Of course, it's just like her to be so selfless. He did worry though. He worried about himself a lot. Afraid of being unable to contain himself, still for her sake. Unable to satiate his need and lust, causing him to take from her until it was met. He was worried that his sanity was already corroding, giving way to his unquenchable bloodlust.
"With all due respect, I'm not the once needlessly putting myself in harm's way." His tone was sarcastic, but he couldn't shake the pain and sorrow that laced in his words. Her smile faded a bit and he saw it safe to look up. He didn't deserve that smile anyways. It made his heart race. He didn't deserve that joy, that pleasure.
"How can you call it needless?" Not a snap, but there was anger. "Needless? You need my blood, do you not?" she questioned, hungrily awaiting a response. He looked to the side and sighed. She knew the answer to that, though it wasn't anything he would ever want to admit out loud. He needed it badly, but he was afraid that the verbal confirmation would only deepen his dependence on her. She didn't need that. She didn't deserve that. She'd already given so much and he'd already taken more than what he was worth.
"Zero, you may not like what's happened to you, but you can't change it. Please," she pleaded, her throat tight and on the verge of tears, "please allow me to make it a little easier for you."
"Easier!?" this word spitting out like hellfire making her flinch. "You think that this is easy for me!?" Yuuki backed away slightly, startled at his fervor. "Taking everything from you without being able to give much in return. Drinking from you to my heart's content just to pacify what a…monster I am! You think it's easy for…" His voice caught in his throat as his attention turned to warm tears making their way down flushed cheeks. Soft sobs escape from the small girls lips, a heart-wrenching sound that rung in his ears like a sorrowful melody. He hated is when she cried. He'd do anything to tune the cacophony in her heart, to still her tears.
"Zero, I didn't mean…" her voice breaking as she tried to still her shaking body.
"Yuuki." Unsure of what to say to perhaps comfort her, he waited for her to speak again. Watching as she slowly started to gain some composure, she lifted her eyes to his, staring, he felt, right through to his soul.
"Can't you understand?" He furrowed his brows in slight confusion. "I know that this is hard for you. I never meant it wasn't." She paused a moment, looking away to the ground, a sad, anguished look in her features. "I know that no matter how hard I try, there are some wounds in your heart that I can not touch, I can't heal. Still," her voice lowered to a feeble tone that he barely found audible, "I can't just do nothing. I can't sit here and watch you drown. I know I may not be able to do much, but giving you my blood is helping you, even if it's only physically. I'm sorry I never meant to make it this hard."
Warm tears flooded her dull chocolate orbs once more and traveled down to fall in her lap. She was right. He didn't understand, but how could she have misunderstood so badly? He hadn't meant it to make her cry. He never wanted to hurt her. A while back he had tried continually pushing her away, hoping she would foster a fear of him and therefore cause her to stay away and in safety, but it only ended up hurting her. Still she did not pull away. Because this theory failed, he had decided to simply do what he could for her, in hopes to atone for all she had done for him.
"Don't do that." he stated simply, trying to bring an apology to his lips, but failing for his pride or maybe his shame.
"Do what? Cry?" she sniffed and gave him a guilty look that resembled that of a child when scolded, but too proud to admit they had been wrong.
"No." She tilted her head, confused. "Well, that too, but," he shifted closer to her, bringing his hand up to lightly brush away her tears, "don't blame yourself for my anger. I didn't mean to yell or," his tone turned somewhat cowardly and he hunched slightly as if trying to make himself seem smaller, "to make you cry."
He stood up, finally wiping the coagulated blood from the corners of his mouth. He looked down at the tiny girl and extended a hand to her. Her hands were so soft, he noted as he pulled her to her feet. Coming to this bathroom had been a frustrating routine for him, and not even just for this occasion. Simply walking in and recalling the occurrences in this room gave him chills. Needless to say, he was anxious to get out.
Releasing Yuuki's hand, he missed the warmth that the chilled air around him was lacking. He looked down once more and with a deep breath and turned to the door, slowly turning the knob and swinging it back on its hinges. Stepping out, he turned back slightly to capture her attention, gazing into that bewildered and always adorable face.
"Yuuki, I really do...appreciate what you do for me," and with that, he left blushing cheeks nonexistent to him. Long and almost cheerful strides were heard as he made his way down the corridors to the outside and towards his dorm.
It was bright out. The last quarter moon, giving off an almost heavenly light. He tilted his head upward to catch sight of a new reign of snow coming to claim the already frosted earth. His placid look turned to a frown as he felt the air around him drop a couple degrees, his senses overly acute. It would be freezing by the time he got done with his shower. The snow wasn't going away anytime soon.
Zero made his way up the stairs of the boys' dorm and headed for his room. He quietly opened the door to find his roommate already unconscious, his mouth slightly agape as a light snore emitted from his throat. Quietly as he could, Zero gathered his pajamas and some clean undergarments before slipping into the bathroom. Zero leaned his back against the door, turning his head upwards as a tension he hadn't realized he was holding released. Though he wasn't surprised. He was always that way, his back always straight with a permanent strain, always ready for the unseen.
He placed his pajamas on the small counter next to the sink before grabbing a navy towel and hanging it over the hook next to the shower. Opening the opaque door, he leaned in to turn on the water, bringing it to the hottest temperature that was allowed. He loved the hot water. It made it a little easier to feel somewhat clean after he drank Yuuki's blood. The burning sensation wiping away a small fraction of the ache in his heart.
Shedding his clothing somewhat quickly, he stepped in to the scorching water. He hissed slightly as his chilled skin collided with the harsh onslaught of heat. The hot water licked at his neck, sending chills down his spine. How could she allow him to do such a thing to her? How could she sit there without a single protest as he devoured her in such an unsightly manner? She kept saying that he didn't understand. He couldn't. He silently begged and pleaded for her to be able to put it into words that he could understand, but nothing could help him grasp the true motive of her intentions. What made her so passionate in her actions? Realizing the debate in his head as futile, he turned away from the water letting the stream cascade between his shoulder blades, down the small of his back and legs right into the drain where all of his hope had already descended.
Once finished with his shower, Zero turned off the water and stood for a moment. Today had been a long and stressful one for him. He had felt the same pang in his heart that he had always felt when he was reaching his limit, when his body yearned for blood so much so that he would always come crawling back to Yuuki. Only her. No one else. He had run this thought through his mind so many times before. Only her.
When he thought about it, the idea of taking anyone else's blood seemed completely and utterly unappealing to him. This thought brought a sense of self-loathing along with it. He only wanted herblood. The one person he cared for more than anyone else was the one person that he wanted to hurt. No, he didn't want to hurt her. He just wanted her.
Love was a bit of a strange thing to Zero. He never really had quite grasped the meaning of the word. His brother, whom he had thought loved him most ended up betraying him. His parents had loved him, but they were no longer here for him to learn from. He never considered the headmaster to be anything of a father to him. The only one that got close enough for it was Yuuki, but she didn't love him. It was quite possible she loved him as her sibling, but nothing more of him could possibly be in her heart.
Zero reopened the shower door as steam billowed out from behind him. He grabbed the navy towel and stepped out. Wrapping the soft cloth around his waist, he placed a hand on the back of his neck, sliding it down to rest upon the jagged tattoo that sat there. Yuuki had power over him in more than one way. It was her duty to kill him once his sanity had faded. Zero had never been afraid of death. It came with the job of being a vampire hunter, and now it came welcomed into his heart.
The day Yuuki had stopped him from taking his own life nearly enraged him at the time. He wanted death. He yearned for it so badly. However, the look on her face when he had asked her to shoot him made him think twice, but only for a moment. She would be so much better off with him dead. Kuran Kaname could protect her. She didn't need him. As far as the situation was concerned, he was just a waste and an unneeded heartache. No, Kiryu Zero did not fear death. It was imminent, and his time was coming soon. He could feel it in the depths of his mind. He was loosing it.
His mind would pace through these thoughts quite often. The desire would always come back, haunting him as an esoteric darkness in his conscious. She knew, but she only knew a fraction of the need for his demise. She didn't truly know how many times he had placed the cold metal of the barrel of his gun against his temple; how hard he had to restrain himself not to pull the trigger. It would be so easy. A twitch of his finger and it would be over. No more pain. No more hunger. No ache for a woman that did not reciprocate his feelings. It would all go away.
He couldn't do it though. He had made a promise to her. It was her job, not his. He would have to stay alive so that Yuki could fulfill her promise to him.
After drying off, Zero clothed himself and gathered his previous clothing, placing it in his hamper. Opening the door, a wave of icy air shot to his exposed chest. His body tightened slightly, trying to keep the cold from seeping into his bones. Zero quietly padded to his bed, slipping under his covers and pulling them tightly around himself. Despite the heat coming form the vent next to his bed, the blankets were cool and unsatisfying to his chilled frame. He didn't really like sleeping with his shirt on, but it was just too cold to argue the point.
He got out of bed and opened his dresser drawer to grab his top. The fabric was cold, just like everything else. He pulled it over his shoulders and closed every button. Getting back into his bed, he prayed for the warmth that spring would bring. Months away though it was.
Zero closed his eyes and waited for sleep, shivering slightly as the room seemed to grow even colder. Clearing his head of all that was plaguing him, he finally slipped into unconsciousness.
Yuuki's voice rang out in his ears. She was calling him for prefect duties. Zero intensely disliked this job. Treating those vermin like they were royalty, putting his time and effort into making sure they weren't mobbed was not something he particularly enjoyed. The only thing that kept him from going on a rampage was the fact that his duties were carried out beside Yuuki. She was good for Zero. She always seemed to keep him in line, take care of him.
Yuuki called out again, faintly louder. Only this time a frightened sense of urgency was carried through her voice. Something was wrong. Zero bolted down the quiet and empty corridors, following the panicked tone of his confrere prefect. A dreadful scream penetrated through the walls. Zero ran faster than his body had ever permitted and slid into the hall where the sound had originated, his Bloody Rose gun already in his grasp.
His eyes ran up the tiled floor until his gaze rested on Yuuki's figure standing to the side, staring at the wall. Zero quickly walked over to her and made a hurried observation that she was unharmed. Yuuki turned her head to him with a surprised look. Strangely enough, he noted no fear in her gaze. Only genuine surprise.
"What happened?" Zero asked, out of breath. Yuuki continued to stare. "Yuuki answer me. What's wrong? Why did you scream?" Still her lips were silent, unmoving. "Yuuki!" Zero grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him straight. Yuuki's eyes softened and that real smile spread across her face. Zero stepped back slightly, still holding onto her.
"Silly Zero. Don't you know? The dead don't talk." He voice was quiet, a near inaudible whisper. Zero's brows lifted and became worried.
"What?" his voice now that same whisper. Zero's stomach twisted with a sickening lurch and sank. A moment like an eternity passed by as he stood gazing into chocolate nothingness trying to decipher these words. Zero felt a warm liquid run over his thumb and down his palm. He pulled his hand off Yuuki's shoulder to inquire the substance. Warm, like liquid copper. Blood. His eyes darted to Yuuki's neck where this blood was flowing from two identical puncture wounds. 'The dead don't talk.' Yuuki sank to the floor as blood spilled to the tiled floor. It pooled around Zero's feet and crawled up his legs, covering his stomach, engulfing his body. He felt it pouring down his throat, choking him.
Zero sat up grabbing his neck. A cold sweat covered his body causing a violent shiver to set in his chest, his heart beating with burning ferocity. His mind racing, he shoved his covers off and stood on the cold hardwood floor. He wrapped his arms around himself to warm his body and perhaps his fright. Every once and a while, Zero would go to Yuuki after his nightmares, allowing her to comfort him and still his heart. He didn't like to go too often. He didn't like to bother her with his childish nightmares. Though sometimes he couldn't help it. He needed her, needed to know that she was still alive, to know that her heart was still beating. Durring those nights, Zero would lie his head on her chest, just to listen. Nothing gave him greater comfort than to hear the pulse of the girl he adored so.
He really didn't want to go to her. He didn't want her to know that she made him weak; didn't want her to know that he cared for her to such an extent that a simple nightmare could make him tremble. Zero put his hands to his face and contemplated going to see her. He looked over at his clock. It was past one in the morning. She didn't need to be awoken at this hour. Though he had come to her at later times. Yet another addition to the reasons why they both fell asleep in class.
He didn't want to go. He shouldn't. Zero slipped into his shoes and grabbed his coat. Opening the door without care for his roommate, he left, heading for the main building. The night class students were still in their classes, the curtains to every window open. Zero padded through the snow, avoiding being seen by anyone. In one instance, Kuran had actually spotted Zero and stopped him, asking his destination and leading to Zero returning to his dorm. That didn't set well with him, so he made sure to keep out of sight from then on. He didn't need the pureblood to know he needed Yuuki either. Though, he already seemed to realize his feelings, telling him outright that he was jealous of him, being able to protect the girl he loved.
Zero knew that he was in love with her. He didn't want to be though. It hurt. The feeling of a need so strong for someone that doesn't really need you is an ache that no drug could cure. He pushed his thoughts aside and concentrated on getting to Yuuki. The air was bitter. So much colder than his room and his hardwood floors. Snowflakes covered his sliver locks and accumulated on his eyelashes. The snow really was beautiful. However, the cold drove him slightly faster.
Zero reached the main building and slipped inside. It was somewhat chilly in here as well, but not so much as his room. He made his way down the corridors, shaking the snow out of his hair. Thinking back to when he first got here, Zero often got lost in the corridors. It was a large school and he didn't know his way around. Once, he had gotten so frustrated trying to find his way back that he just sat down and waited until Yuuki found him and brought him back. Now, he knew the halls like they were his own backyard.
Yuuki's door came into view and he stepped in front of it. A pink and yellow sign that read "Yuuki's Room" hung on the dark wood of the door. Small, crudely drawn sakura blossoms decorated the border. Yuuki never really did have an eye for art. Zero smirked slightly at the thought. When they were younger, Yuuki had attempted to draw Zero a picture of a bear to try and cheer him up. Zero had made the comment that it resembled that of a fat mouse instead of a bear. Yuuki wouldn't speak to him the rest of that day. Though he would never tell her this, the picture was so poorly drawn that he found it funny; so overall, it had succeeded in cheering his spirit. Yuuki seemed to have that effect, always picking him back up from the darkness that continually threatened to consume him.
Zero took a deep breath and raised his hand. Gently placing his knuckles on the wood, he knocked lightly and waited for a response. None came. He really didn't want to wake her. He grabbed the handle and stopped for a moment, wondering if perhaps he had missed her invitation. Still nothing. Twisting it slowly, he pushed open the door just enough to look inside.
His eyes quickly adjusted to the dark and sat to rest upon her bed where he saw her figure rise and fall in slow, even breaths. He then opened the door enough for him to slip inside and shut it quietly behind him. Yuuki didn't have a lot of possessions. Her room was quite bare, though simply because she wasn't a very materialistic girl. She was a lot like Zero in that aspect, not needing too much to be comfortable. Zero took quiet steps until he stood at the side of Yuuki's bed.
The moon shone brilliantly through her window casting a celestial glow to rest upon her features. Zero gazed down at her. The light accentuated her beauty quite well. Her long, dark eyelashes rested above rosy cheeks. Her skin seemed pale, soft, almost liquid in touch. Zero reached out longing to caress her arm, cheek, to have some kind of physical contact with the beautiful girl that lay before him. Reluctantly he withdrew and sat on the floor, his back resting on the edge of her bed. He didn't need to wake her. Zero found solace simply in the act of being by her side. He didn't need to lie with her. He didn't need to hear her heart beating, to feel her tiny arms, warm around his chest.
"Zero?" Startled, he tilted his head back to see mahogany eyes starting inquisitively back at him. Yuuki was still lying down, her blanket draped over half her body leaving her arms bare. Zero noticed slight bumps covering her skin as a small chill wrought through her body. He stood up and leaned over, pulling her blanket up to rest at her chin.
"I'm sorry I woke you." he whispered in a sweet and slightly concerned tone. Zero stayed leaning over her, watching her.
"Did you have another nightmare?" she questioned, her voice clouded in sleep. Zero reached his hand up and pulled her blanket down just enough to leave his fingertips resting above Yuuki's heart. His gaze rested in hers, eyebrows arching slightly with worry.
"May I?" Yuuki's cheeks became slightly flushed as a smile came to her rosy lips. She nodded and held the covers up as a gesture for Zero to join her. Zero pulled off his coat and left it to lie on the floor before taking off his shoes. Pulling up the cover, he slid into the bed and placed one hand on each side of her, hovering over. Her eyes widened slightly.
"Zero?" He looked down at her, lowering his eyes until they rest at her heart. He could hear it beating. Note after note in quick succession. It made his own heart race. Zero glanced at her neck for a moment and his heart jumped. His lips parted and he bent down until he was just close enough to take in the scent of her hair. Roses, but what else? Zero leaned in just enough that his lips were brushing the side of her neck. "Zero, what are you…?" Yuuki's voice sounded slightly frightened as though he saw it fit to devour her right there. He pressed his lips slightly harder against her neck in a minute kiss.
"Forgive me." his voice heavy as he pulled his slightly shaking body down and rested his head upon her breast. He listened attentively, taking in the warm sound of his secret love's heart. Yuuki blushed, slightly embarrassed at the touch, though they had been this way numerous times before. She understood his need and gently surrendered her body to his console. Zero felt Yuuki's tiny arms encircle his waist, placing her petite hands tenderly on his back. He had longed for this feeling. He had thought to himself many times that even if he hadn't been plagued with his nightmares, he would still enjoy being with her this way.
"Zero?" Yuuki asked of him again.
"Mmm?" he murmured quietly, soaking in this moment. He noticed Yuuki's hand traveling up to run her fingers through his hair. Zero felt he could stay in this moment until he perished.
"Do you know why I do what I do for you?" Her question seemed to bring the cold back into his skin. He lifted slightly so that he was able to look at her and study her expression. Perhaps he'd be able to find the answer. However, unable to do so, he inhaled until his lungs could hold no more.
"No, I don't." he answered blankly. "But I've wondered for so long now just what goes through your head. Why you would do such things for me when they're clearly not what's best for you. I don't know why and somehow I'm unable to convince you to stay away from me. Aren't you afraid of me? Don't you hate what I do to you?" Zero's voice was heartbreaking. He always had made it a point to keep his emotions hidden from his tone, but he betrayed himself. Yuuki's eyes softened and sadness beset her features.
"Zero, what I do for you, I do it because I care about you. You're precious to me and I'd do anything if only it would make you smile." Zero pulled back more so that he was once again hovering over her. His eyes became confused. His lips parted and he paused for a moment.
"Yuuki," he started, "I don't know how you can hold me so close to you, or how I've become precious to you, how you can care so much for something like me," Zero placed his head back on her chest and listened once again, "but for all of that, I wish I could tell you just how much it means to me." Zero closed his eyes. "How much youmean to me." Zero brought his arms to arc around the girl beneath him, holding her tight to him. He never wanted to let go and as he lied there, he prayed that the sun would never rise.
Yuuki looked down upon the boy she had come to care so much for and placed her arms back around him, running her fingers though his hair. Zero sighed against her warmth and for the first time since he had been thrust into this world of darkness he now called home, his lips curved into a smile, that real smile that only Yuuki could have composed. As they lied there together, bringing each other the warmth that only spring could generate, they both fell into a deep sleep, accompanied by sweet dreams of the cherished individual lying in their arms.