Disclaimer: Yeah, blah blah, I don't own Vampire Diaries or The Originals. Because if I did, Bonnie would've already kissed the entire male population of this show, at least once. I know, I know, that's Caroline's job. Sheesh!

Stefan Salvatore detests Lorenzo whatever-his-last-name-is. Not because he's a terrible influence on his brother. Not because he turned his ex- girlfriend Ivy. And certainly not because he's jealous of his friendship with Caroline. No, he loathes this man for one reason, and one reason only.

Coming in-between his OTP.

After years of annoying nicknames and I-hate-you-s, Damon and Bonnie finally seem to have a chance at being together. Damon put her before Elena for god's sake! But Enzo just had to screw it all up by deciding that Bonnie is the one for him.

Idiot.

As he watches them dancing together, he can't help but criticize their every move. Enzo's hands aren't in the right place, and Bonnie's smile is clearly forced. In other words, they look awkward. But as he's focusing all his energy on stalking Bonnie and Enzo, he doesn't even notice a certain heretic walk up beside him.

"You do realize that you're being kind of a creep, right?" she asks him.

Stefan tilts his head to the side, and sees none other than Valerie Tulle. He smiles at the heretic, and asks "How so?"

"You've been staring at Bonnie and Enzo for quite some time now."

"Huh And here I thought I was being discreet."

"You do realize that you're at a Mikaelson Ball, which is filled with vampires more than three times your age? Not to mention that the witches of New Orleans are very perceptive."

"Yeah, that didn't really occur to me until now."

Valerie looks back at the couple on dance floor, and smiles. "I don't really blame you though. They're adorable."

"Excuse me?" says Stefan, as if she'd just suggested that he go on some kind of bonding trip with Julian.

Come to think of it, his mother did suggest that once…

He didn't speak to her for a week.

"Come on, look at them!" exclaims Valerie, her face lighting up. "Don't you see the way they're smiling at each other? And just look at the spark in their eyes! Ugh, I don't ever want this moment to end."

"Are you out of your mind? Their whole relationship is forced!"

"Forced? What are you talking about?"

"Come on! Don't you see? Her fake smile, the way she keeps looking at Damon. Obviously, she'd rather have Damon dance with her as opposed to that fool she's dancing with right now. Like, take a hint dude!"

Valerie crushes her heel into Stefan's foot.

"Ow!"

"First of all," begins Valerie, crossing her arms across her chest and glaring at Stefan, "don't ever call Enzo a fool! Actually, don't insult him in any way ever again. Second of all, Bonnie's smile is anything but fake. Enzo makes her happy. He always knows exactly what to do and what to say to get her to smile. And as for her looking at Damon, if you look closer, you can see that she's glaring at him so that he stops looking at Enzo like he wants to pounce on him."

"Wait, say that last part again?"

"She's glaring at him so that stops looking at Enzo like he wants to pounce on him?" says Valerie, although it comes out as a question.

"Do you realize what this means?!"

"No, what?"

"That Damon is jealous of Enzo!" Stefan exclaims, trying not to keep his inner fanboy at bay.

"He is not jealous! He's an ass who can't stand to see Bonnie happy, while he on the other hand, is miserable."

"No, he can't stand to see Bonnie happy with anyone else but him. He's the same with every guy that Bonnie's with. He always makes that same disgusted face, because it hurts him."

"Why do I even bother with you? I'm going to go find Caroline. At least she's sane."

"And I'm not?"

"Well, you're currently implying that your brother might have feelings for Bonnie so, yes, you are not sane."

"Are you even aware of their time in the prison world?"

"Yes, I'm quite aware of the four months they spent in the prison world, Stefan. Bonnie constantly complains about Damon's disgusting pancakes, and horrible taste in music. She once went as far as saying that Kai the sociopath was easier to live with than Damon! You know, before he turned out to be a sociopath."

"That is not it!"

"You're right, there's more." Stefan smirks. "She also mentioned how they fought like cats and dogs." Stefan glares at her. "At least Enzo gets her coffee orders right. It's certainly better than the crap Damon brings her! Plus, Enzo can actually cook, and we both know how much Bonnie appreciates food, and the people that make her food. Edible food."

"Damon can cook."

"Have you ever tried his pancakes?" asks Valerie, shuddering as she remembers the one unfortunate time that she did. Stefan shakes his head. "Good, so you weren't scarred for life. Like I said Stefan. Damon. Can't. Cook! But you know who can? Enzo! And you know what else he can do? Play the guitar! And he looks pretty darn good while doing so."

"Well, Damon, can actually dance, unlike Mr. Two-Left-Feet over there."

Valerie rolls her eyes. "Oh, because you know so much dance?"

"I'm a great dancer! Caroline said so."

"You're terrible dancer! And it's Caroline we're talking about here. She's the poster child for moral support."

Before Stefan can say anything more to defend himself, he hears a certain hybrid say, "That's quite enough!" The two squabbling vampires turn around, and sure enough, there's Klaus with their friends in tow.

"You two have caused quite the scene," hisses Julian.

"Oh shut it," says Valerie, performing a brief spell so that he can literally, shut it. Seeing as how Julian couldn't speak, Mary Louise reprimands Valerie.

"Was that necessary?"

"Yes." Valerie groans as Mary Louise undoes the spell.

"Thank you Mary Lou," says Julian, smiling at the blonde heretic.

"You're welcome. But you have to admit, that was entertaining."

"Mary Lou!"

"Again, shut it," says Valerie, only this time, she doesn't perform a spell.

"What were you two fighting about anyway?" asks Caroline.

"Stefan, has finally lost it," says Valerie, as if she and Stefan were children at the park and Stefan just stole her juice box.

"Well it was only a matter of time," remarks Rebekah, earning a glare from Stefan.

Caroline ignores Rebekah. "What exactly did Stefan do?"

"It's not what he did, it's what he said."

"Valerie, what did he say?" asks Caroline, as if she were talking to a stubborn child. Seriously, she was worse than the twins!

"He said that Bonnie and Damon belong together!"

"He what?" Caroline snaps her towards Stefan. "Are you… okay?"

"Why wouldn't he be okay?" asks Mary Louise. "In fact, I think that he's absolutely right. Bonnie and Damon are perfect for each other!"

"I knew there was something I liked about you Mary Lou," says Stefan, wrapping his arm around Mary Louise's shoulder.

"Oh great!" exclaims Valerie. "So now Mary Louise has lost it as well! Why that's just splendid."

"Uh, I'm perfectly sane Valerie."

"No you're not!" protests Nora. "Bonnie and Damon do not belong together! If anything, Bonnie should end up with Enzo."

"Now I know why Mary Louise broke up with you," Stefan says to Nora.

"No, I returned the ring to Mary Louise."

"Wait, why was that exactly?" asks Valerie.

"Because she was the one who locked Damon and Bonnie in that vault together for two weeks!"

"That was you?" demands Caroline, her eyes widening. "I thought for sure that that was Stefan…"

"Apparently not," snorts Klaus.

Stefan on the other hand, is completely in awe of the blonde heretic. "I'm impressed. Well done Mary Louise!"

"Thank you."

"Huh, and here I thought my plan of leaving Damon and Bonnie alone on that island was brilliant," says Rebekah.

Valerie groans. "Oh, not you too Bekah!"

"Yeah!" exclaims Stefan, giving Rebekah a hi-5. "Blondes rule!"

"I still think Bonnie should give Jeremy a chance," says Matt, finally speaking up.

"Except for you Matty Blue!" Stefan exclaims angrily, pointing at Matt, right before Valerie does a spell to him to sleep.

"What was that for?" demands Caroline.

"He's a Beremy shipper, he's lucky I spared his life."

"Ugh, Beremy shippers are the worst!" groans Stefan.

"Agreed. They're horrid, vile creatures. Probably brainwashed by some evil soul with nothing better to do."

"Or Jeremy."

"No, stop! You can't call a truce now," whines Lucien.

"I agree. I am not about to lose my one source of entertainment for the night," says Kol.

"Shut it Mikaelson!" growls Stefan.

"Yes, because of you, we have to deal with the agony that is Kennett," snaps Valerie, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Ugh, Kennett fans are the worst!" groans Mary Louise.

"At least they're better than Beremy fans," Nora points out.

"Stop it! You shall not speak ill of my OTP," warns Lucien. Everyone turns to stare at him.

"You probably shouldn't have revealed that little factoid," Kol whispers to Lucien.

"Yes, I am beginning to realize that." But before anyone could do anything to Lucien, Lucy jumps in front of him.

"Stop! He is under my protection."

"What?!" Valerie shrieks, outraged. "Lucy, I thought you were on our side!"

"No, she's a Bamon fan," counters Stefan.

"I've always thought that she's a Kennett like me," muses Lucien.

They all turn to Lucy, who sighs. "Look, I'm not with you, or against you. The truth is… I'm a Bonnie Bennett shipwhore! All I care about is Bonnie's happiness. Oh, but I still don't ship Beremy. Sorry Matt."

"Traitor!" both Valerie and Stefan scream at once.

"Oh, pipe down!" commands Caroline. "Lucy's right! Bonnie's happiness should be all that matters. And frankly, Enzo makes her happy."

"Yes, but Damon would do anything for her," Klaus points out.

And there goes the peace…

"She belongs with Damon!" shouts Stefan.

"No, she belongs with Enzo!" yells Valerie.

"Ugh, children. They know nothing of love," sighs Lucien. "Clearly, she's going to end up with Kol."

"I have a girlfriend," Kol reminds him. '

"Yes, I admit that Davina is a beautiful little spitfire, but Bonnie is your one true love."

"I still think that she should get back together with Jeremy," says a now awake Matt.

"No!" everyone else yells at him.

Meanwhile, Damon, Bonnie and Enzo were looking at their friends from across the room. "What do think their fighting about?" asks Bonnie.

"I don't know," says Damon, "and I really don't want to find out."

"Bourbon?" suggests Enzo. "I've heard there's a nice bar around here somewhere."

"Yes please!" exclaims Bonnie, smiling up at him.

"Lead the way," says Damon, as the three walk away from the disaster that is their friends.

If they only knew…

A/N: Okay, so, I am extremely sleep deprived right now, so I have no idea where this came from… but it's here, so… enjoy, I guess. Or don't. I'm more of a reader as opposed to a writer. Also, I totally read Valerie's lines out loud in a British accent. I do that with every character that has an accent! Is it just me, or is there anyone else who does that as well? One more thing, In case you couldn't tell, I'm totally a Stefan and Valerie fan! Honestly, they're growing on me… and much like Lucy, I'm a Bonnie Bennett shipwhore. Although Bamon is my OTP, I want Bonnie to find a nice love interest who isn't Jeremy. My desire for Bonnie's happiness trumps my love for Bamon any day!