Hunter Finds A Home

by Wonder777

Shawn has stayed with Jonathan for almost a year and during that time, things came out about how damaged he really was. But that was only the beginning. And it starts with of all things a girl. Angst, abuse and past trauma all come together to threaten his hope and any chance of happiness.

My first "Boy Meets World" fan fiction story. I have always loved the relationship between Jonathan and Shawn. Wish the producers could have done more with this. Of course, all characters from the show belong to their respective owners. Slight AU, set after the episode "I Never Sang For My Legal Guardian".

"Come on Shawn," Cory was trying to get his attention, "you gonna talk to her or what?" They were at their lockers between first and second periods watching a brunette girl talking with someone right across from them. Cory gives his best friend a light push as a form of encouragement.

Since breaking up with Veronica the week before school had begun. he felt like itwas ready to start the dating rounds again. Especially a month into the new school year. With some brand new clothes and a hair cut, Shawn felt he had it made, feeling like the big man on campus. "Okay, okay, I'll do it." He finally relents to his best friend's urging.

Savannah Preston was one of the prettiest girls Shawn had ever seen. Dirty blonde hair that went down to her hourglass waist and her green eyes were like emeralds. But also, he was starting to see girls in a way he couldn't quite put his finger on...made him feel strange, physically and mentally. He was always a sucker for a pretty face.

He moves towards her and waits until she was done talking to her friends, then he finally had her full and undivided attention. Nervous, his voice cracks as he asks her if she was busy Friday night. Right off hand she tells him, "Sure, when and where." After a few words, the bell rings and it was off to class. He certainly was surprised at her quick response.

The rest of the day he had a big old dumb smile on his face. Mr. Feeny asks him in class what he was so happy about. Shawn responds with "I'm just happy." The teacher then gives a look and says, "And that Mr. Hunter, at times worries me." His voice slightly indicating a little playfulness, he knew this boy pretty well.

"I don't know if I should send you to the principal's office or straight to the Guidance Department." The gray haired man says before resuming class. Cory shot a glance at him, giving Shawn a fist bump. They knew if they could get Feeny to show a sense of humor, it was a good thing. Topanga rolls her eyes at the sight, but had gotten used to it being around those two over the years.

That evening, Shawn had just finished his homework (which wasn't much) and was helping Jonathan prepare dinner. Chicken Alfredo with garlic bread and a store bought pecan pie for dessert. For the both of them, it was their favorite time of the evening.

Where they can talk about anything, all the while forging the fragile trust between them. The food smelled good and was better than expected, considering Jonathan had never made it before. Finally, he got the courage to ask Jonathan the big question.

"Jon, what do you know about girls?" he asks, blushing redder than a badly sunburned radish. Jonathan freezes, almost dropping his fork and nearly spitting out his food at hearing the question. After taking a moment to compose himself and to avoid choking on what he had been eating, he asks Shawn, "What do you want to know?" Then he takes another bite waiting for a response.

Shawn couldn't look him in the eye, he had never been so nervous. Then he explains about Savannah, having a glazed look in his eyes all the while his cheeks were blushing like he had a fever. How he was starting to feel different around girls, emotionally and physically. It was hard for him to explain, but he manages to give the general idea.

Jon was all too familiar with it, at Shawn's age, he had it too. But back when he was fifteen, he was just a scrawny kid who the girls didn't even take a second glance at, seventy five pounds soaking wet. But that was before the growth spurt and him taking up weights. I have to show him pictures of me at fifteen sometime. I just have to dig them up. He makes a mental note to do so in the near future.

"Feeny told me about you drifting off in his class with that expression. Hey, why don't we save that for another night?" He rustles the kid's dark brown hair with a smile. They were both tired and needed rest. "Now, finish your plate and go get showered up. I'll take care of the dishes."

Jonathan now had another thing to deal with, giving Shawn "the talk". But that would wait until later. That would give him enough time to think up what to say. He collects his thoughts while cleaning up the table and listening to Shawn singing loudly from the bathroom. He had to have picked that up from me, at least he could carry a tune better than I can. He chuckles at the thought after washing and putting the dishes away and then walks to a small shelf by the couch and pulls out a small book.

Shawn had finally came out of the bathroom, clad in a black tank top and striped pajama bottoms while running a towel through his damp, dark brown hair and scrubbed clean when Jonathan stops him for a moment. "Hey, I got a little something for you here." He hands him a black, leather covered notebook.

"I was doing a little cleaning not long ago and found this. Never got to use it, but maybe you can. Anything you feel like is too uncomfortable to say to me, you can put it down in here." Jonathan explains to him.

"Nobody has to know what you write inside this unless you choose to tell them, even me. Often times, writing out your feelings helps. Even had it engraved with your initials. The cover can also be taken off and pulled over a notebook of the same size. I know how much you love to write." He hands it over to the boy.

Shawn looks at it. The cover had his initials "S.P.H." on the front across the top. He says thanks and goes to his room. Once closing the door, he sits up in bed, thinking about what Jonathan had just said. It may be a good idea, he thinks, it wouldn't hurt to at least try. Putting down words is one of my strong suits Jon always told me.

He takes a pen from his bookbag and stares at the blank first page thinking of what to put down. Then after a moment, begins to write, starting with the date. My name is Shawn Patrick Hunter, he began, I am fifteen years old and already I am a professional screw up. My mom runs off and Dad is off on some modern day knight's quest to find her, leaving me here to live with my really cool English teacher. It's better than nothing that much I can say.

All my life I've had to fend for myself, now I'm starting to see that there are people who really do care for me. Jon, Cory and his family, even Mr. Feeny. Not out of pity or obligation, but out of real compassion. Before he realizes it, four pages were completely filled up.

Shawn then sees the alarm clock on his nightstand saying "9:45" and sees it was getting late. After putting down a few more little things, he shuts it down. Turning off the lamp on the nightstand beside the bed, Shawn rolls over and gets to sleep.

Jonathan finishes up grading papers at around ten fifteen. He was getting sleepy and ready to settle down himself. Like every night, he checks in on Shawn, who was sprawled out under his blanket, snoring lightly with a peaceful look on his face. Better him like this than sitting up screaming his head off, he thinks while standing in the door, leaning against the frame.

That first time Shawn had a nightmare while staying with him was one of the scariest moments of his life. Peacefully sleeping, then hearing the kid starting to scream terrified him. Not knowing what was going on, he runs into the room, tightly holding the baseball bat he always kept by the bed and sees only Shawn.

He was sitting upright, wide eyed, screaming. His arms were up over his face, like he was trying to shield himself from someone. But one problem, nobody else was around but the two of them. He actually thought somebody had broken in and was attacking the kid, the terror was that real.

After a few moments, he managed to get the kid calmed down, but Shawn wasn't able to say anything when asked about what was causing them. Soon after, he learned Shawn had them for quite some time while staying with Cory and his family. Then, on that stormy night, he finally learned the awful truth. Worse than he expected.

Chet Hunter had physically beaten Shawn and called him all kinds of awful names while he was drunk. God knows what else happened under that roof. All the little things he never really noticed before finally came together. Boy, did he feel like a failure as a educator then. No wonder the kid was always acting out or was the class clown. It was all a cover for what was happening at home. A cry for help.

Since then, he made a decision to only drink when Shawn wasn't present or asleep. It wasn't very often, but did it voluntarily so as not to trigger him. He felt it was best that way. Shawn didn't have a problem with that choice. In fact, he loved it. He knew Jon wasn't like his dad when under the influence.

When Chet was confronted with this information, he had confessed to it all and in exchange for not going to jail, he signed over custody to Jonathan. The one thing he asked was to be still allowed to call Shawn at least once a week, making sure he was okay and all. Even sending money to help with his care while he was on the road, which helped some.

Those papers came about a week after that and he promptly signed them without hesitation. The best decision he ever made. Though I believe he still should have gone to jail. He thinks, watching Shawn starting to snore a little, mumbling a little as always. His mouth slightly open, sometimes drooling in his sleep.

It had been just over four months since those papers were signed. In fact, before those revelations came to light, Chet had insisted that Shawn stay with the teacher. In that time, the kid had finally started to grow like he should have been allowed to. Before then, Shawn had been with him almost six months.

Jonathan one day wanted to marry and raise a family of his own, but for now he's a surrogate father to a troubled teenager. He was definitely getting a lot of experience now for when it happens down the road. He stands there, thinking about his decision to take Shawn in.

What was I thinking offering my place to this boy? I'm a single man. Maybe I do have too big of a heart for my students, especially for this one. A true teacher has to have a larger than average heart to truly do this line of work. Quietly closing the door, he goes on to get some rest himself.

Since Shawn came to stay with him, Jonathan had also kept a journal of his own, about the ups and downs of their relationship. He had already filled at least two thick notebooks, pouring his heart into them, kind of a therapy of sorts for him. Now maybe Shawn could do the same. Writing was always a strong suit for him, no wonder he can express himself in that way better than others.

But recently, Jonathan started to have a feeling he wasn't not telling him everything about the nightmares. The kid was having them less frequently since the papers were signed, but sometimes he would hear Shawn mutter in his sleep about a birthday party and being shown something he didn't want to see. He passes it off as part of a dream.

That was why he gave him the journal, even having the black leather cover engraved with his initials. So he could let out those feelings that may be too hard for him to express out loud. And hopefully, in time, they may come out in a healthy manner. But still, that gut instinct was gnawing at the teacher as he fell asleep.

Friday had finally come and Shawn was super excited about his date with Savannah. The two of them, Cory and Topanga would be at his place for snacks and movies while Jonathan and Eli were out at a baseball game. Since breaking up with Veronica, he had been a little depressed, so this may help him come out of that funk.

Jonathan and Eli had just left shortly after five when Cory calls. "Can't come over tonight. Morgan's sick with a stomach bug, Eric is on a date and my parents are out of town, so I'm stuck with baby sitting duty tonight. Sorry buddy." Great, it's now just me and her. Cory was always my wingman and now he can't come. But I can do this without him.

That really bummed Shawn out, but he would be able to somehow manage on his own. One problem, Jonathan thinks it was just him, Cory and Topanga. He mentioned nothing about Savannah coming over. Jon doesn't have to know about her being over here. Some popcorn and a movie or two, also the ball game should be more than long enough to cover my tracks.

Shawn just had to make sure she was gone by the time they got back. Then the doorbell rings at exactly six o'clock. He opens the door and there she was. In a striped red and white shirt and white skirt with matching shoes. A big red ribbon pulling back her blonde hair was the icing on the cake. He couldn't stop staring at those sparkling green eyes.

"Hey, I love the place. So, this is where you live with Mr. Turner?" She looks around before sitting down on the old worn couch covered in freshly laundered throws. Shawn gets her a soda and a big bowl of popcorn for them. He had picked up a few movies earlier in the day and puts in a scary one.

It was some knock off of "Friday the 13th", only with the killer wearing a red wig, a goat's mask and swinging a pitchfork, all while with a big smile on his face. The low budget, really badly made ones were the best in his opinion. They had a certain charm that no fancy studio could match up to.

He enjoyed Savannah jumping into his lap at one point, her giving a squeal of fake horror. Drowning himself into those emerald eyes, he draws closer and kisses her. It quickly escalates beyond than he was comfortable with. She was starting to run her hands near where he didn't want them to be.

At that moment, Shawn heard a voice, not Savannah's, but a man's, creepy and distant. "You like that, it's only natural...". Panicked, he pushes her off. "I'm sorry, but this is going way too fast and I'm not even ready for that. You're pretty and all, but I want to take my time. Nothing against you whatsoever." He was a gentleman when it came to girls in that department.

But Savannah wasn't having any of it. "I thought you would be fun. I was obviously wrong." Picking up her jacket, she tells him off and leaves, furious at how she was brushed off. It had been close to three hours, that was about two movies.

That was when Shawn heard the storm outside, lightning flashing and the thunder rolling. It had started about an hour earlier, and that was when he knew that Jonathan and Eli would be coming back soon. In fact, it was raining down buckets really hard and wasn't letting up anytime soon. He manages to calm himself down enough to clean up the mess before going to his room to write in the journal.

I had my date with Savannah. Started out really good, but it became a total disaster in the end. Shawn wrote, She got too aggressive and I panicked when she started to try and feel me up. She was going way too fast for me to feel comfortable.

She asked me if I liked it, but I heard his voice. The first time in three years. Then she got angry when I told her she was going too fast and left. She's gorgeous and all, and a pretty good kisser too. It was her attitude I couldn't stand. Like she didn't get the message.

He wanted to write more, but then hears the apartment door being opened and Jonathan and Eli come in, soaking wet. He gets some clean towels for them and asks how the game went while trying to keep calm about earlier. "We were up by one anyway when the storm started. Game got canceled in the seventh inning due to lightning." Jonathan tells him while drying off.

After about twenty minutes, Eli leaves and by the time Jonathan had gotten around to a shower and change, Shawn was already in bed, sleeping. The smell of popcorn was still lingering in the air. Of course, the kid had Cory and Topanga over earlier. With some movies too.

He picks up one of them, looking at the cover. Ugh, these are really cheesy, awful movies. Jonathan thinks about Shawn watching stuff like this and reacting to them like they were nothing. No wonder he can watch these and not be shocked. They can't match what he has been though in his life.

The next day, Shawn was over at Cory's house when the questions began. "So, how was the date last night?" Cory asks him, wanting to know the details. "I heard she is a good kisser. Is it true?" His mom had made a dozen huge chocolate chunk cookies and gave half of them to tide the boys over until dinner was done.

"She was okay I guess. But was a little too aggressive for me. I had to push her off and she left in a huff." Shawn was honest there, but couldn't tell his best friend about the voice in his head as it was happening. That he was determined to keep to himself.

"But I liked it when she jumped in my lap during the movie." He chuckles at the thought. "I can't let this get out, got my reputation to maintain you know. Got anymore of those cookies?" He sees one left on the plate and takes it, only to split it with his best friend. To Shawn, Cory's mom always made the best cookies. In a sense, he was jealous of Cory, wanting a family like his.

On Monday, it all seemed normal at first. But when he walked into the high school, Shawn started to hear things about him being whispered behind his back. At first, he wasn't sure, all he could gather was that he was the talk of the school it seemed like. But when he asks, everyone just changes topic and act like nothing was wrong.

During Mr. Feeny's class, he had to quiet everyone down after one of the guys in the back got a little too rowdy after being whispered something he found funny. "And what do you find so amusing about my lesson Mr. Ramis?" He asks in an irritated tone. Feeny had been dealing with a head cold all weekend and was just getting over it. So, he wasn't in the best of moods at that moment.

One of them responded with something like, "None of your business sir, just a little inside joke between brothers." He punches his sidekick twin brother in the arm and they both laugh. Feeny gives them both detentions, pops a cough drop in his mouth and resumes with the lesson on World War II.

After school, the boys who interrupted the history class confronted Shawn. "We know about your little date with Savannah. Keep away from her, or me and my brother here will teach you a little lesson in reality. She's mine, you hear?" The older one tells him while pinned to a wall.

"Yeah, we heard you couldn't even get to second base with her too." The other guy says laughing away. "What's wrong? Ain't into girls freak?" They then give him a few practice punches to the ribs and walked away, all puffed up with pride of their achievement. Leaving him lying on the ground.

Shawn was left wincing at the pain, but then he was used to it already. It was always a companion whether he wanted it to be or not. After making certain that he wasn't bleeding, he goes to Cory's house to hang out for a while. He had known those boys from the trailer park and they were jealous of him since he moved out.

But it wasn't about the punches, that he could deal with no problem, but it was the words. Were they implying he was gay? That he knew was a bald faced lie, he's always had the girls flocking to him as long as he could remember. Cory had Topanga and he had...nobody. He was just going about from girl to girl at his age. By his own admission, Shawn was again jealous of his best friend. How he longed for a relationship like what they had.

He tells Cory about what had happened earlier after school, showing where the bullies had hit him. Red blotches, but there were bruises that had started to show. "They said I wasn't man enough because of what happened Friday night. Don't know how they found out, but I got a little reminder to back off of her. She apparently found someone new right away." Again, Shawn tells most of the truth. Cory couldn't know the rest of it.

Then the sound of a motorcycle comes rumbling down the street, and that meant Jonathan. had arrived. Along with the delicious smells of Mrs. Matthews' cooking wafting up from the kitchen, they knew it was almost time to go eat. They finish the video game before going to wash up.

But Cory felt something was wrong. Like there was something more to the story than what his best friend was telling him. Shawn always had a certain way of showing he was hiding something or being evasive by the body language. He had seen it enough times to recognize it in a heartbeat.

Shawn would run a hand through his hair almost compulsively and can't seem to look him in the eye. Then all the fidgeting where he's not able to keep still. The same thing happened after asking about the date. Also, he attempts to change the topic when something uncomfortable comes up.

Later Shawn scribbles in his journal. Until Dad left on his grand quest to find Mom and win her back, I never fully appreciated how valuable friends really were. After they learned what Dad did to me, they didn't abandon me. The question I have is why? Why did they stick by my side and not leave me out in the cold like I always expected everyone else to? He was pondering these questions while writing just before bed. It had become a habit for him to spend the last hour or so writing before bed.

In other news, someone found out about what happened on my date Friday with Savannah. The Ramis brothers cornered me and said to stay away from her. A few punches in the ribs were their little reminder. But they accused me of being gay for not going further with her. I hate that kind of thing, I know I ain't into guys.

Before he could write anything else, a gentle knock at the door interrupts his thoughts. "Come in." The door opens and Jonathan peeks in. "Ready for lights out? I'm done with the papers and turning in early." Shawn nods and reaches for the lamp beside him.

Jonathan sees the journal in his lap and asks him how it feels to write down stuff. "Pretty good. Where did you get the idea?" Shawn asks, curious. He sits on the edge of the bed. "I've had them off and on since I was your age, they help keep my head together at times." Shawn gives a shy smile then tells him goodnight.

The teacher didn't have the heart to tell him Feeny suggested it when he moved in with him. Though he did have them in high school and college, but it had been some time he had written until recently. His way of trying to find some answers, but he could never understand how or why Shawn connected with him so much. It was like they were meant to be together.

It took Shawn longer to fall asleep that night. All the thoughts about him possibly being gay robbed him of any real rest. Also, his dreams were beginning to shift. From his father's beatings to something else. He was only nine and the coolest guy in the trailer park invites him over.

Trevor's place was a kid's fantasy. The latest video games, lots of toys for everyone. It was the place to be. When Shawn's dad was passed out drunk, he would go over there. Sometimes other kids were there, trying to outdo each other on the game consoles.

Then on his ninth birthday, Trevor had him come over. Shawn was alone, with his dad managing to get a job and was there while his mom had ran off once again so there really was nobody to throw him a birthday party. That summer, the heat was harsh but Trevor's place was fully air conditioned.

A small party with just the two of them. Some small presents, a watch, a little handheld electronic game and some cake. Then Trevor leaves and comes back with a stack of magazines. The older man shows Shawn pictures of naked women in them. Some of them had more than one woman, and with men too. All the while, his hands slowly roaming where Shawn knew where they shouldn't be.

"Feels good doesn't it?" He asks, his voice having a edge to it. Shawn tries to resist, but Trevor repeats his question again and again until the boy gave him the answer he wanted to hear just to make it stop. Then it all goes black...

Shawn wakes up, panicky and feeling like he had been choked and just then regaining his breath. Looking at his clock, it said "12:30". In the silence, all he heard was Jonathan's snoring from his room and his own heart beating. Good, he didn't hear anything, he thinks while going to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water. That helped ease his nerves some, but the nightmare's effects would still linger. Eventually he went back to sleep.

The next few days were hard, everything seemed to be falling apart. His dreams were becoming more intense, and the bullies were becoming more than verbal. Shawn tries to speak to Savannah, but she wouldn't have any of it. She would only say that he would have been a great catch. Then laughs in his face before walking away, leaving him more depressed.

Shawn knew it would only be a matter of time before Jonathan would find out about the date. Word was starting to get around that he knew was for certain. The hardest part would be having to try and explain that to him. When that time comes, just tell the truth and pray I don't get grounded until Christmas. I did behave myself though.

Just a week and a half after the date on a regular evening just after dinner, Jonathan receives a call from Feeny. "I need you to get Shawn over here to the Matthews' house immediately. I just received some news about his parents." His voice had a grave tone. "No questions, just do it. I'll explain when you get here."

Jonathan looks over at Shawn working on a math assignment at the table. "Yes George, we'll be over there soon." He hangs up and tells the boy they had to go to Cory's house. "No, we have to go now." Shawn knew by the tone getting out of this was not an option.

Once there, Alan tells Cory and Eric to take a obviously confused Shawn upstairs for the moment until they are given the okay to come back down. "No leaving your room or trying to eavesdrop until we give the all clear. Just play some games, talk amongst yourselves." Then him and Amy sit in the recliners, with George and Jonathan on the couch.

While he was upstairs with Cory and Eric, Feeny filled the adults in with what he learned an hour earlier. "Just before dawn this morning, around five am, Shawn's parents were driving down the highway just outside of Albany when a they were hit head on by a drunk driver. Everyone, including the drunk driver were killed instantly. But as of now, there are no signs of intoxication on the Hunter's part."

Amy draws in a sharp breath in shock, her husband embraces her, trying to keep her calmed down. Alan and Amy couldn't believe it themselves, though they both could take comfort knowing Shawn was in a safe place with Jonathan. He was all Shawn had (next to his half brother they had heard about only this past summer) left now that the boy could truly consider family.

When Feeny removes his glasses, that was when they knew it was serious. "I wanted to tell you first Jonathan. You have to break the news to him. I know full well that Shawn trusts you and will listen to you more than any of us. I felt that it was best that way. Just remember, we don't know all the details. I left the officer in charge of the investigation your number if there are any questions."

How ironic, an alcoholic gets hit and killed by a drunk driver while sober. At least now Shawn won't have to suffer at Chet's hands anymore. Jonathan thinks, totally blindsided by the news himself. "I'll go get him." Alan says as he gets up from the couch and goes to bring Shawn downstairs.

"We'll leave you two alone." Amy tells Jonathan after he comes back into the living room and everyone else is ushered into the kitchen. It took all her and Alan had to keep it together. Eric and Cory knew something was wrong just by seeing their mother's face. Shawn had become like the brother they never had.

Now it was the two of them. Jonathan absolutely hated having to do this, his handsome face marred by a great sadness. He actually felt sorry for Shawn's parents. "What's wrong Jon?" Shawn was starting to grow concerned, he could see it on his face.

The teacher had to just say it flat out. The sooner I say it, the better. He takes a deep breath. That was always the best thing. The longer I keep quiet, the worse it gets. Get it over with.

"I don't know how to break this to you kid, but there was an accident. Your dad finally did find your mom and they were on their way back here early this morning when..." Jonathan paused for a moment before resuming, gathering up the courage to say the words.

"They were hit head on by a drunk driver. They're all dead Shawn. They died instantly, so they didn't suffer. As far as we know, there was no evidence of your father being drunk while behind the wheel at the time." The teacher had said it. The only thing Jonathan could do is watch the boy begin to break.

"That is all we know for now." Then he reaches out to him, only to have the boy flinch at his touch. Jonathan had noticed it had been quite a while since that happened. Shawn was in an emotional shock, relieved that his dad never could come back and hurt him ever again. But losing his mom too made it much worse.

All I wanted was a clean start and this was it, e thought, my nightmare is finally over. Eventually he would allow himself to let Jonathan embrace him, and Shawn began to cry, leaving the teacher's shirt soaked in tears. Jonathan Turner was the only father figure he had left who actually cared for him, better than the one who gave his DNA to give him life.

"What's wrong with Shawn Mom?" Cory and Eric ask their parents what had happened. They knew it was not good that much they knew right off hand when they saw Jonathan and Shawn leave, his face tear streaked and that it was clear he wasn't in the mood to talk.

Amy explained to them about his parents being killed in a car accident. "As much as you want to be there for him right now, but Shawn needs time alone so he can try and get himself together. All we can do is be there for him. But you can leave a message for him on the answering machine later." Cory had been really worried about Shawn before, now this...

Shawn sat on the couch, knees curled under his chin. Him and Jonathan had just gotten back about twenty minutes earlier and all he did was stare into space. I can't believe it. Dad finally found Mom and they were on their way back. I couldn't go back to that life, he would never change. The thoughts were there but gone like a bubble popping in a split second.

"What's on your mind kid?" Jonathan asks him, trying to get him to at least say something. "It has to come out eventually. Let's start here." He had a cup of warm milk for him, extending it to the boy, "This may help." Shawn takes it and starts to sip. He was tired of the silence, but it was understood.

Shawn finally spoke after a few moments. "Sometimes I wished my father was dead. Every time he would beat or call me names, I wanted something to happen so he would just stop. I never thought it would become reality." Shawn couldn't keep his eyes on Jonathan's saying this. Instead, he tries to focus on one of the pictures hanging on the wall, it was of an antique motorcycle.

"So, you're saying this was all your fault?" Jonathan asks, taken aback by what he had just heard. "Yeah, I guess so. All the time, I wanted to just pick up something and fight back, but I couldn't bring myself to do so or was too weak. I'm tired, let me go to bed." He gets up and heads towards his room.

He grabs Shawn's arm and pulls him back, grasping his shoulders firmly and again looking straight in his eyes, "This isn't your fault by any means! If you want to blame someone, blame the driver who did this! He's dead too. Do you understand me?" Jonathan fratically searches Shawn's eyes for anything showing the message got through.

Instead, Shawn just stood there, face blank and emotionless. "Good. I want to know his name and address so I can send a thank you card to his family." Then coldly he turns around and walks to his room, loudly closing the door behind him. Jonathan had to back off for now. Maybe later I can try to get him to talk later. He's too out there emotionally to open up right now.

Pulling out his journal from the nightstand, he would write about how he was now an orphan. He did have a half brother, Jack, who was out in New York. But doubted he would show up for any funeral service that may happen, at least he would know what happened. It was only in the last few months he learned of his existence. With Jack out there, Shawn knew he wasn't the only Hunter in the world.

I'm now officially an orphan. Mom and Dad were coming back and got killed on the highway. I can't feel anything but in a way, I'm relieved the nightmare is now over. A new life with Jonathan, if he will put up with me, would be the best thing to come out of all this. He keeps writing until he uses what little energy he had left.

Cory had called a few minutes earlier, leaving a message on the machine. Shawn, I want you to know we're all here for you. Mom and Dad told me I could leave something on the machine. Just call to let me know you're okay. Shawn listens to it, but wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone but Jonathan. He was just too busy grieving to return it.

He falls asleep, journal open and in his lap. At least in dreams he can try to escape the travails of reality. Instead, it becomes a nightmare. It was still dark just before dawn was starting to break and Shawn is standing on the side of a remote highway and sees a car and truck coming down opposite sides of the highway towards each other.

Then the car was weaving across the center line and collides head on with the pickup truck he instantly recognized as his father's. The noise of the two old looking vehicles crashing was so real and loud, it hurt his ears. Afterwards, other than the sound of the horns, the whole time he was cheering. But it didn't really feel right.

He runs up to the truck and sees his parents, clearly dead. Reaching for a pulse, there wasn't one for either of them. The shock sends him screaming...

The kid was damaged to where he wished Chet dead. Now he's feeling like he murdered him when it happened. He really needs more help than I could give him. I have to talk to Feeny about that. Jonathan wrote, his pen scribbles across the page and worry wrinkling his handsome face. Can't blame him though. I would feel the same way if it was me in that position.

Jonathan recalled the last conversation Shawn had with his father, before Chet sent the guardianship papers. It was intense, Shawn wishing his father dead, never wanting to see him again. Telling Chet that he would rather stay with him than go back to the trailer park. A week later, the legal papers came in the mail.

He took in a good kid that had been given a crap hand in his life and now it's become something else altogether. Jonathan had no idea of how to deal with all this. He remembers what his dad had once told him about life. About how cruel it is in that it gives you the test first, then the lesson.

Then he heard the screams from Shawn's room, and quickly he runs and opens the door. Shawn was curled up in a corner of the bedroom, rocking and quaking from the nightmare, eyes wide open and tears coming down his face. "I-I-It's all my..." He keeps saying, eventually slowing down to a whimper once Jonathan was able to assure him it was all a dream and he was right there with him.

The teenager slowly snaps out of it, his guardian rubbing circles onto his back to get him calmed down. Shawn then buries his face into Jonathan's chest, regaining a steady pattern of breathing. Eventually, he did get back to sleep after having a big glass of water and nothing needed to be said between them for now.

Shawn insisted on going to school the next day despite Jonathan's protests. Some had already heard about his parents and expressed their condolences. Even the Ramis brothers told him they were sorry for his loss and even apologized for the punches they gave him earlier. He thanked them, but as the day went on, it had become clear he was working a little too hard to keep up appearances.

"I don't know all the details," he would tell others, "but there may be a little get together at the trailer park or something. We stick together." Flashing those pearly white teeth with his trademark smile, he attempts to assure everyone that he was okay. But in reality, inside it was like his whole world was crashing down around him.

"George, there's only so much I can do for Shawn," Jonathan says to Feeny between classes, "I think he needs to see someone, a professional. There's much more to the nightmares I just know it. And now that his parents are gone, it gets harder for him from here." He takes in a slow breath before saying anything else. Then they hear the ruckus right outside the classroom.

Shawn had gotten into a little scuffle with another boy about some girl and it ended up physical. Cory had tried to break it up, but was knocked to the floor. "What is going on here?" Feeny demanded to know after Jonathan pulls the two apart. The injuries were nothing out of the ordinary, and mostly words were thrown around.

The kid fighting with him makes some excuse about Shawn starting the whole thing. But witnesses said he sucker punched Shawn from behind while calling him a "fairy". Cory was okay and backed up Shawn's story that he didn't start it. While the boy that started the whole thing was being taken off to the principal's office, Jonathan told Shawn they would talk later, and that he better have a good explanation for all this, but for now, he had better get to his next class.

"Now you're going to tell me how that little scuffle today came about young man." Jonathan told Shawn as soon as they got in the door that afternoon after school. "And I want to know every detail." He was not going to take no for an answer, for this was real serious.

Might as well confess, Shawn thinks, he's probably heard rumblings. If so, I'm in trouble. He spills it all out, the date and how Cory had to bail out on him at the last minute and it ended up with just him and Savannah instead. How it got way too uncomfortable for him and asked her to leave, and the bullies who thought he was gay for resisting her advances.

"I swear nothing like that happened with her, besides, I'm not gay. I know that for sure. I'm not ready for...you know." Shawn's face turns beet red with embarrassment at that last part, his eyes cast down.

He turns away and gets up from the couch. "Can you hold off on the lecture and grounding for now? I knew you would have found out anyway. I have more important things at the moment going on than a date gone wrong. More like my parents getting cremated and moving on." He then goes into his room, shutting the door behind him. The sounds of music being played is heard, muffled behind the closed door.

Jonathan had heard some things from around school the last few days and was going to confront Shawn about those rumors, but he had just been beaten to the punch. He definitely didn't know what to do now, too much was going on at the moment. He was right, the lecture can wait. At least I now know his side of the story. I have to ask Matthews about that later to back it up.

He reaches into the pocket of his jeans. Taking out a business card Feeny gave him earlier in the day, Jonathan would call and set everything up before the week was out. If this can help Shawn and I, I'm willing to give it a shot. Making a note, he realizes how hungry he was and instead of cooking, decides to order Chinese. He didn't feel like cooking after what just happened.

Shawn sits on the fire escape, scribbling in his journal once, the chill of a fall night making him shiver a little bit. I'm now not only a screw up, but one so bad, I wish my dad dead and it becomes reality. Him and my mother are both now dead, I must have some kind of super power. And she was just as crazy as he was. Jonathan is the closest to a parent I have now. Jack has his own life and I can't burden him. What am I going to do?

He was pondering his future now that his parents were now lying on a morgue slab up in Albany somewhere. Where would he go if Jonathan decided he was too much to handle? In a odd way, this was the best thing that could ever happen to him. A place safe and secure, he can actually grow and not have to worry about when the next beating would come. And for that he would forever be thankful.

Still, the feelings weren't coming like they should, of course, he of course was still numb. He grew up with the family motto, "Hunters don't cry". It was the family mantra, you don't let anyone see you show emotion. Then there were those other memories, not with Shawn being abused by his dad, but of Trevor and all his toys that with each visit came with a price...

He did let some silent tears come down, nobody was around so it was okay. Then the smell of seseme chicken suddenly hits his nose, it was one of his very favorites. Wiping his face with a sleeve, he was back inside before Jonathan even calls him. Though he wasn't really hungry, he ate only because it wouldn't do him any good not to eat.

A small memorial service had been arranged to held at a church near the trailer park Shawn used to live in. His parents had been cremated and their ashes would be scattered at a nearby lake just on the edge of the city. It was a favorite spot where Chet and Shawn would go fishing years earlier. There was a will, but the contents weren't revealed yet.

Wednesday finally came, and Shawn was changing into something that was appropriate for a funeral. He hadn't been to one since his grandfather died when he was six. A white polo shirt, black jacket with matching pants and clip on tie lay on the bed, laid out and neatly pressed. A pair of new black dress shoes lay on the floor, freshly polished.

Standing in front of the full length mirror in his room in just his boxers, he started to notice the changes in his body. Since moving in with Jonathan, he had filled out, no longer a skinny kid who looked he was starved. Good cooking had done wonders, among other things. Along with the changes that were coming with the emerging puberty, he was developing all over.

Then there were the scars, faded over the months. Shawn runs his fingers over some of them. He could recall how each and every one of them ended up there. Including the bruises from the Ramis brothers, which were just starting to fade. Memories came flooding back, along with the grief of losing his parents, made him oblivious to everything around him. Even to Jonathan opening the door without knocking.

"Shawn, Cory called. Him and Topanga are meeting us at the church. Are you about dressed?" He sees Shawn standing there and quickly turns away. "I'm sorry. I'll leave you be." But the kid covers himself with the nearest towel. "Get out Jon!" he yells, embarrassed. "Knock next time!"

"How did you get those bruises there? Those look like they're just healing up." Jonathan notices the marks on Shawn's stomach. He had seen him in just his underwear before, but never had seen Shawn had an outburst like this. "They're nothing, now let me get dressed. Why didn't you knock?" Shawn had an angry tone to his voice.

Jonathan leaves and closes the door behind him. Seeing those scars again made him shudder as though it was the first time, that made him gasp. He had taken Shawn to a doctor shortly after signing the guardianship forms and even the doctor was shocked at them.

He hadn't gotten a chance to call the therapist about setting up a time to meet with the funeral and all, but that had to wait. At least until after the service, and the situation with the will. That gut feeling he had about Shawn had come back. In fact, it never really went away.

Cory and Topanga arrived at the church where the service was held with his parents. Not too many people had come yet and had signed the condolences book when Jonathan and Shawn arrived. Topanga gives him a hug. "I'm so sorry about your parents." She says, having been out of town due to a family situation the last few days and just getting back hours earlier.

"Hey," Shawn hears a familiar voice behind him, "come here bro." Turning around, he sees Jack standing there, arms stretched out and waiting for Shawn to hug him. He does and introduces Jack to his friends. "Guys, this is my half brother Jack. The one I've been telling you about."

The service was low key and some came up to give a few words. When it was Shawn's turn to speak, his voice choked as he told of the last time he spoke to his father. "I didn't get to tell him how much I still loved him despite his drinking. Now I wish I did." Then he goes into a funny memory of them going fishing when he was around seven. Something about getting his first catch and it slapping him across the face.

Then afterwards, Shawn and Jack had taken the urns that contained their dad's ashes and scattered them along with his mother's. Only Cory and Jonathan were there to see this. The will would be read the next day, so Jack would stay at the apartment overnight with his brother and Jonathan. Then Jack had to leave after the meeting with the lawyer, he could only afford two days off of work.

The brothers shared his bed at the apartment. "So, you really like it here?" Jack asks Shawn as they lay there, staring into the celing. "He is exactly as you said he was, the really cool teacher. And that bike? Wow. Wish I had someone like him back when I was in high school."

"Yeah," Shawn says, "it's pretty good here. At least it's a safe place for me and Jonathan is a great guy. Better here than out there." They talk and catch up some before going to sleep. It was only the previous summer that they had first met but it seemed they had known each other all their lives. The best birthday present he ever got.

Shawn had a harder time sleeping, it as now him and Jack and that not just worried him, it terrified him. Jack is lucky, he's got a great mom and step dad, he's really got it together. He thinks, And I'm not even sure of what's going to happen to me now. He wasn't going to get much rest that night with all that was jumbling around in his head.

The next day at the attorney's office, the wills were read for both their dad and Shawn's mom and they learn of some money placed in trust funds and how their property would be split between them however they wished. The trailer would be sold, but it had been cleared out already. But the money wouldn't be fully available to them until they turned twenty three, but it could be used for college if needed.

Shawn didn't really care about that, all he wanted was to get back to his life. At least what was left of it, if any. He had to fight the strong urge to stop the meeting, tell everyone he didn't care for anything his dad left and walk out. He just wanted to get it done and over with.

Jack had to leave shortly afterwards to catch the train back to New York. "Glad to see you again Shawn, I'll call you later tonight, okay? If you need to talk, here's my new number and address. I just moved into my own place." He presses a small slip of paper into his brother's hand and gives Shawn one last hug before taking the cab to the station. Seeing Jack leave made him feel all alone again.

"Come on kid, let's get you home. You need some rest." Jonathan had not really noticed Shawn's rough look until that moment. He looked like he didn't get much sleep the night before. Once back at their place, he took the opportunity while Shawn took a nap to finally call the therapist George referred him to. After a few minutes he set the appointment for Monday at 4 o'clock. The next thing would be convincing Shawn to go with him and that was going to prove most difficult.

Shawn tried to snooze but couldn't. So he pulls out his journal and begins to write. I want to feel something, but I just can't. My mind and soul feels like it's torn into so many parts there is no way it could ever be together again. I wish Jack could have been there when...His thoughts wandered from his now dead parents to Trevor and the price for being his "special buddy"...

"I don't want to go to see some shrink! Don't need one. I'm okay." Shawn protested as Jonathan broke the news to him at breakfast the next morning over oatmeal. "I think you do need to see someone. Feeny recommended me to him, especially after the events of the last few days. That doesn't mean I won't be right there with you. Sometimes a professional can help immensely. If you don't go, I'll drag you there myself."

He gave Shawn the look that said he was serious about this. Finally, Shawn relented and agreed to go. "Okay, but only for you and that's it. Just to get you and everyone else off my back." Also, the idea of being on a chain attatched to the back of the motorcycle wasn't too attractive either.

Then he began to eat, his appetite slowly returning. All he wanted to do was get back to a schedule to try and keep himself sane, whatever that meant. Anything to keep his mind off of his parents at the moment. Though he did give Jonathan a glare to show his displeasure.

Jonathan felt like a small victory was achieved with convincing Shawn to go see someone. At least the kid's going and I don't have to drag him there by the collar. Hope Feeny's friend can help us. We really do need it big time. For him more than anything.

To Shawn, in his family, seeing a counselor was highly discouraged, unless it was something really bad. You kept everything to yourself, find comfort among family, or get revenge one way or another. Outsiders rarely were allowed in. That was the code of the the park.

"What do you mean, Turner wants you to see a counselor?" Cory was very concerned when Shawn told him the news. "Well, after the last few weeks, it may be a good idea. In fact, a great idea." He had noticed some changes in his friend's attitude since the disastrous date with Savannah and the fights. They were at the lockers during lunch period getting their books out for the afternoon.

"That's exactly what Jon said. Why are you not on board with me here? I'm your best friend. " Shawn asks, an edge to his voice, almost demanding. Cory just stares at him in disbelief. "You're the brother I never had. And best friends are always concerned about each other. Even when they butt heads."

"The appointment is Monday at four. And I thought Mondays were awful before, now this." Shawn says, rolling his eyes, "I'm fine Cory, don't know why there's a need for me to see a professional. In my family, therapy often involves closing ranks and/or revenge." They managed to get into class just before the bell rang.

Shawn had become more moodier and secretive, even aggressive at times. As much as he tries to hide it, Cory knew his best friend almost like the back of his own hand. Wonder if Mr. Turner sees the same things I am? Shawn has become much more...darker, aggressive. He thinks seeing Shawn in class cracking jokes as a way to relieve the pressure. He has to know something is going on here. Mr. Turner had asked me to affirm Shawn's story about the date, I now know he knows about that.

"George, I set it all up and Shawn is reluctant, but he's agreed to go. That has to be a good sign." Jonathan and Feeny were at lunch talking, referring to the counselor they had discussed. "Maybe it's too soon, with the grief still raw and all."

Feeny assures him this was the right thing. "By what you told me, this may not be the case. We both know what that boy has been through and it just might be the best thing for Shawn at this time. He just has to know we are here for him, that he can't carry his burdens alone." He then takes a sip of tea and bites into a leafy homemade salad.

"Taking on someone like Shawn is a big challenge. Changes in your own personal life, putting another before yourself. I believe you can do this. Besides, look at your support circle. You have good company backing you up." Feeny tells him after a few bites.

Jonathan ponders what he just said for a moment. He finishes the leftovers from the night before and thanks the older, wise man before heading off to class. "Andrew is a good friend and has helped other troubled kids like our young Mr. Hunter." Feeny finishes eating, then packs up and starts to leave. The English teacher realizes then how thankful he is to have someone like him.

All weekend Shawn was on pins and needles, anxious about Monday. Even spending hours with Cory playing basketball couldn't ease his nerves. And on Sunday, he had a nightmare where he would be declared too mentally damaged to be society and end up on a psych ward, all doped up on medication and watching kids his age scream and fight at a drop of a hat.

I have to go see a counselor about my parents dying and I absolutely loathe it. That's a new word I learned in English class this week. Loathe. It means having a great hatred for someone or something, he writes in his journal Sunday night, that may be the best way I feel about myself at the moment. Why does everything I touch have to die?

Then he begins a poem. Never had anyone to love me/ To leave me to my own devices/ All I touch and those I love either die or abandon me/ Do I deserve any happiness? He had always been pretty good with poetry. Most of it was cheesy, corny, reflecting on life as he knew it. But this was dark, even for him.

Shawn hardly ate breakfast the next morning. His nerves clearly showing as Jonathan tries to calm him down. All he got was a look from the kid while he nervously ate a bowl of cereal. "We can have dinner with the Matthews after meeting with the counselor. How about that?" He mentions as they leave for school.

Class wasn't the same for everyone with Shawn's quiet attitude. Cracking jokes was his thing but the last few days he had lost that charm. It scared him to let people see the real Shawn Hunter, outside those closest to him at least. And even then they only got little glimpses of that if they were lucky. A complete stranger poking inside his head was going to be worse than pulling teeth.

Arriving at the office, it was almost three forty-five. It didn't take too long for them to fill out the forms. Thankfully for Jonathan, it was a good thing Feeny called his friend in advance. At five minutes til four, they see a man appears at the doorway leading to the back.

"You must be Mr. Turner, and this must be Shawn." he says in a low tone, "George told me about a little of the situation, brought me a copy of his file when he came by after school Friday." He motions them into a short hallway and into his office.

"I am Dr. Andrew Arrington, child psychologist specializing in helping troubled teenagers." He says after Jonathan and Shawn sit down in plush, gray cushioned chairs. "With first sessions with patients I like to meet with the patient and parent or guardian together."

Shawn was already bored with this talk. He was nervous and not able to keep still. But I did promise Jon. Otherwise he would have dragged me here by the collar. Maybe a chain around my neck while the other end is attatched to his bike. He thinks seeing all the fancy diplomas and pictures on the walls. It was the only thing keeping him occupied.

"Shawn, how about we talk for a few minutes alone? Jonathan will be just outside the door. So there won't be a need to worry and you can call me Andrew. Often, it makes my patients feel more comfortable." He gives the kid a smile.

Shawn was kind of starting to like this guy. He didn't have the idea Shawn always thought of counselors: the typical stuffy, take no nonsense, ask boring questions and be cold about it is all that some people would think. But right off hand, Andrew to him, was...kind of cool.

The office was warm and inviting, almost like he was making an effort to make everyone who came in feel comfortable. The plant in the corner seemed real and he looked kind of young for his age. The color of the walls was kind of an off white color.

Jonathan leaves the room, telling Shawn to just be honest. It was now just the two of them, Andrew and Shawn. They discuss a few things, like how Shawn ended up living with Jonathan and his father's alcoholism. He balked there, not feeling comfortable going too much into that.

"My dad was a drunk and left me with my English teacher while on a quest for my mom. He finds her and is bringing her back when they get hit and killed by a drunk driver. End of story." Shawn puts it all in a nutshell with just three little sentences, hoping that would keep him at bay while still being somewhat truthful.

Andrew knew this would happen, the defensiveness. At least he had an idea of how to start treatment. He then calls Jonathan in and Shawn goes out to the lobby for a few minutes. The teacher then explains his concerns even before the accident, and about how he felt it was too soon.

"No, no. This may be the perfect time," Andrew tells him, "often with abuse, there is often more than just the outer scars. Shawn has been so self reliant for so long, he needs time to learn how to open up. Feel comfortable enough to speak his mind without the fear of being punished."

Andrew points to a file Feeny had given him, "In reading this, Shawn has had a lot to deal with for his age. With this and what you've said to me, this gives me a good idea how to work with him. He now has someone like you who he can trust. Now, with you being a single man who is raising a teenager, I have something for you that may help." He gets up and opens a desk drawer, pulling out a card.

"Here is the name of a support group for foster and adoptive parents, and where they meet. Of course with papers signing custody over to you by the father, you are now his legal guardian." Andrew scribbles a number on the back of it and hands over the card to Jonathan.

"They are very good. Remember, you are not alone in this. You have a great circle of people by what George told me, this group is to encourage and reinforce each other. Now, I believe this session is done." He escorts the teacher out to the waiting room.

Shawn was talking to the very pregnant receptionist when Jonathan and Andrew come out. "Hope your baby is all right." He tells her before taking up his jacket and walking out. "Jon, I'm starving. Wonder what Mrs. Matthews is cooking tonight?" They get on the bike and leave, heading that way.

Feeny joined them and the Matthews for dinner at their house. "So, how did the session go Shawn?" He asks, taking him aside after dinner, hoping it didn't scare him. "Andrew is a very good personal friend of mine. You can trust him."

"Okay I guess. Not much went on there. He was kind of cool. But I'm doing this only to get everyone off my back." He was extremely defensive. Feeny then realizes he pushed Shawn too much and changed the subject.

Once back at the apartment building, Jonathan stops at the mailboxes on the ground floor. "Shawn, how about going on ahead? I'll grab the mail." He tosses him the keys and sees the kid go up the stairs. Emptying his mailbox, he notices a thick letter from Chet's lawyer. It was the same one used to send him the guardianship papers. Quickly he slides it into the big leather bag he always had on him and goes on up.

Met my counselor today. Andrew is okay I guess, he wasn't what I expected him to be. He wasn't a stuffy old man that asked questions and not give a rip. But was someone who really wants to help kids. Shawn wrote about the day's events.

He had asked embarrassing questions like if I had ever been under any kind of psychiatric care, and if I was sexually abused. Almost walked out on that one. The memory came back to me, but I kept my cool. Hopefully, him and Jonathan didn't notice. Why do they have to ask so many questions? He always hated being asked a lot of questions.

He had done all his homework and was just thinking of all the times he wanted to tell someone about what was done to him by the most popular adult in the trailer park. Cory would have to be the only one. Jon could never know. We do share a lot, but this would be too much, even for him. They both would see me in a different light, poor trailer park trash that's been abused and tossed to the side.

A month passes since Shawn and Jonathan started to see Andrew. There had been some progress, nothing out of the ordinary. The teen was starting to open up some and for Shawn, it was about helping him learn how to reach out to others and that there was no shame in doing so. Along with having to deal with his parents dying of course.

Jonathan was also attending the support group recommended to him. Some there were single foster parents of abused kids, a few were even in the process of adoption. Once a week, they met and discussed their struggles of having to care for a child from a background like that. Giving advice on how to deal with the nightmares and flashbacks.

When it came to his turn in that first meeting, he talked about one day being a single guy suddenly deciding to take in a kid whose home life was just unstable and then Shawn losing his parents. At first he was embarrassed, saying that to a group of strangers, but then everyone there was in the same boat he was. So he wasn't alone by any means and that gave him immense relief.

It was late October and during a session, Shawn finally felt comfortable enough to show Andrew some of the scars that were inflicted on him. "This was from a cigarette Dad had put out on me," showing one on his forearm, "and this was from when he smacked me and I fell on a vent and scraped my knee." He points to a spot there. He was saying all this like it was it was no big deal.

But there was one thing Andrew did that set Shawn off. He asked about the fights at school, the ones that came about after Shawn and Savannah's failed date. "Jonathan told you about that. Don't know how it got out, but they called me gay for pushing her off." His voice had an aggressive edge, eyes filled with anger.

"She made me feel uncomfortable when her touching almost went too far. I told her how I felt and then she left. Like she didn't get it at all." Shawn was nervous saying that part. "I know I ain't ready for that kind of thing..."

"At least they didn't..." Shawn stopped right there, it felt like the next words were stuck in his throat. He got up and paced the room nervously. "Are we done here? I'm tired." He changes the topic and the session ended right there at his insistence. "I'm not gay by any means."

That was the last thing he said before sitting down again and going quiet. "Just go into the waiting room." The doctor calmly tells him, Andrew realizes it was obviously clear that Jonathan's hunch was right. This he had to bring up to him. He's got good instincts, got to give him that much.

"Shawn started to mention something, but he stopped himself before saying anything further. You were right on, there is something he's hiding. But he's too scared to say what it was. Best thing to do is try to have him keep communication open." The doctor tells him, "but if he gets defensive or aggressive, back away. It's just below the surface wanting to come out."

Shawn was very nervous in the waiting room. He almost spilled it all out to Andrew about Trevor. It had been almost fifteen minutes since he saw Jonathan went back there and was worried. Even the pregnant receptionist wasn't able to cheer him up, and it was her last day there before being induced.

Finally, the door opens and he comes out. "Come on, let's get you home." Jonathan says, a weary tone in his voice. "How about some of my world famous sloppy Joes for dinner?" Shawn gives a slight smile and nods his head slightly to show he was listening. The teacher could see a nervousness in the boy just by the body language.

The night before, Jonathan had found the letter from Chet in his bag while cleaning it out. I totally had forgotten about this, awfully thick. Wonder what's in it? He opens the large envelope and to his surprise, finds adoption papers and letters to both him and Shawn. Quickly he opens the letter addressed to him and begins to read.

Turner, it began, Since I last spoke to my boy, and finding my wife, Virna and I made a decision about Shawn, the hardest one we ever had to make. You make a better father to him than I ever was. You've given him safety, shelter, and you're someone who looks out for him. Things I know I never could truly give my boy.

Jonathan pauses to take a sip of his drink, then resumes reading. I know you're doing your best being single and all, but you will make a great father to my Shawn. Makes for great practice for when you finally decide to settle down and have your own kids.

All I ask is that you let me keep in contact with him like before. I know this would be the greatest gift I could ever give him. Sometimes giving something or someone up is the best thing one can do for everyone's sake. I learn it can also be the hardest. I pray he forgives me of what I've done to him. The world really does need more people like you.

The teacher was amazed at how deep this man was. A rough man having a moment of clarity when confronted with the truth. Maybe he did redeem himself after all. He resumes reading.

Virna and I will be moving away and Shawn needs stability. I need to get help for my drinking and make sure Jack sees him too. I'll be calling soon to discuss this and break the news to him. The letter ends with his signature and dated two days before the accident, the same as on the papers.

Jonathan was at odds. Was he ready to take Shawn as his own? He would have to talk to other people and think long and hard about it. He was his foster dad, in no uncertain terms. Taking the letter for Shawn, he decided to put it away and when the time was right, give it to him. Right now, he was tired and needed sleep. One last check on Shawn before bed and it was a restless night for him.

Shawn, meanwhile, was having his own problems. It was becoming more difficult to hold back the memories and he had started to write down every detail in his journal entries just to make them go away. It had started to leak into some of his poetry assignments.

That one part I had/ Meant for me to give to another/ Stripped away by force/ For a madman's lust/ Leaving a bleeding, gaping wound in my chest/ Where my heart used to be/ A hollow never meant to be filled/ I am designed to lead a lonely existence/ Innocence lost forever...

That one came out of a assignment that required him to channel a memory or emotion. So he tapped into the part of him that he was all too familiar with. Shawn was pretty good at that, usually they were light hearted and humorous, but this was dark, even for him.

When Jonathan took the papers up in class, he would often pick out two or three out to read aloud. But after taking one glance at Shawn's paper, he turns it upside down on his desk, apart from the others before going to the next one. He of course didn't feel right in reading it out loud. I have to bring this up to him and Andrew in the next session. He made a mental note to do so, as soon as possible.

That evening Jonathan had a date coming over and wanted some time alone with her at the apartment. A slender brunette that a friend set him up with. When something like this came up, the two agreed that Shawn would go over to Cory's house. After that little incident early on where he lied about going out of town for a wedding one weekend. But instead spends it at his place with a date, some ground rules had to be set about dates coming over.

"Hey, Shawn," Jonathan says, stopping him before going out to Cory's house to sleep over. "When you get back here, we need to talk. It's about what you did for your poetry assignment." The teen looks at him and immediately starts to ask questions.

"Did I mess up? Not follow the instructions? You said we needed to stretch our boundaries, channel an emotion and I did." He was starting to get agitated. Those eyes of his flashed as he slung the duffel bag over his shoulder, "Did I even pass?"

Jonathan remembers Andrew's advice, backs off and tells him that he did indeed did pass. "No, you did great, better than I had expected." Then he reminds Shawn to behave himself at the Matthews. "It's what you wrote about. But we do need to talk when you get back here. Seriously." He sees the kid leave and soon after, had to get ready for the woman coming over.

Cory and Topanga were already waiting when Shawn arrived. "There's been a slight change of plans. How about we all catch a movie down at the new theatre? That's something we haven't done in a while." Cory suggests, "Eric can give us a ride there and back with his girlfriend." They all agree and decided to go see the latest comedy.

During the movie, while Cory and Topanga were making out (Eric and his date were a few rows behind them), Shawn started to feel anxious. His heart was about to bust out of his chest. Not another one, not another flashback. He thinks, not sure of how to handle it in public.

Excusing himself, he goes to the bathroom and tries to get calm. Shawn sat in a stall, crying. When he finally could compose himself after a few minutes, he comes out. Splashing water and deep breaths helped some, but it took a moment for it to pass completely.

Good, I don't think anyone really noticed. There weren't many people in there and Cory and Topanga were too busy playing tonsil hockey to care. They wouldn't have noticed, especially after I had that giant soda. That would be the perfect cover. He was kind of relieved at that, his first flashback induced panic attack in public and he didn't embarass himself.

Andrew had talked to him about this. How sometimes they come at random and even seeing or hearing something can trigger them. Of course he thinks it's all about my parents and what Dad did to me. They have no idea of what else went on in that park. Thankfully, it had happened near the end of the movie before his friends would come looking for him.

He gets back in time to catch the ending. The lovestruck couple had at last untangled themselves and had almost forgot Shawn had left them. "Missed the best scene, tied everything together." Cory takes one look at his best friend and knew that something wasn't quite right. "What's wrong? Was the movie that bad?" Shawn insists he was fine and they leave.

Topanga and Eric's girlfriend had been dropped off at their houses and the three boys were now back at Cory's place. It was almost ten o'clock and they had to sneak in, for their parents and Morgan were already asleep. Cory and Eric had to confront Shawn about his recent behavior.

"Shawn, you got to be straight with me. What's going on with you? It wasn't just because you drank that giant soda that you suddenly had to run off to the bathroom wasn't it?" Cory had to be straight with him. "I could tell you were crying. Was it about your parents again?" He asks in a calm, concerned voice.

Sitting down, Shawn knew he was in a corner and decided to tell the truth. He's on to me, might as well spill it all out. What was it my second grade Sunday School teacher said? The truth will set you free. That was the moment he decided to lay it all out for his best friend. The other half of his nightmares triggered by his date with Savannah.

"I had a flashback tonight Cory. But it wasn't of my dad. But of someone else." He then told Cory about Trevor and the price he paid for being his "special buddy". How the coolest guy in the trailer park who every kid loved was actually a monster in disguise.

"He molested me Cory among other things, and the date with Savannah triggered those memories. It wasn't her fault. It's why I'm so paranoid and moody lately." Shawn holds his head, pain filling his eyes. "Can I get an aspirin? My head is starting to hurt."

Eric tells him he would and leaves, soon returning with the aspirin and a glass of water. Afterwards, Shawn made them swear never to breathe a word of this to anyone. "I can't let this get out. He will find and hurt me and those I love." He takes the aspirin with the water and soon his head was starting to get better.

He paces the room like a caged animal, running his hands through his dark brown hair, in an attempt to let out some of the nervous energy that was building up inside of him at that moment. He kept looking out the window like someone was outside. Cory and Eric were becoming nervous just watching him do it.

"Listen, it's going to be all right, but I need to know one thing. Does Turner know about this? Your therapist, anyone else? Even your parents, did they ever find out?" He asks, but Shawn shakes his head. "No, just you and Eric. And that's how I want it, the less who know the better. As for Mom and Dad, they were too busy to really notice anything."

"You're making us nervous with all this pacing. If you want to, we can be there when you decide to tell him. How about talking our parents?" Eric had for once abandoned his usual goofiness and had to be an adult (he almost was one anyway). Even someone like him knew when things were serious. "Then we can help you tell Mr. Turner."

"Please, don't make me do this. I don't want anyone else to know, I just want to forget I ever said anything to you." Shawn tells them, keeping his voice down so as not to wake anyone. He changes straight into pajamas and gets into the spare bed set up for him. No matter what they said, the brothers couldn't convince him otherwise.

Around three in the morning, Shawn wakes up and writes in his journal while sitting by the window he had climbed out of so many times. All the times I've come in and out through this, all the little scratches and dents I had made on this sill. Running his hand across it made him remember all those great times he had, reminders of all the hijinks him and Cory have been through. Those little memories made him smile a little.

One of those times changed his life. There was a big blow out between him and Cory's parents. He packs up and climbs out from this very window, duffle bag in hand and ready to run away to anywhere but there. Dropping down from the tree onto the picnic table below, only to find Jon standing there, waiting for him when he landed. That was when Jon extended the offer, opening his place to the boy. An offer he never regretted taking up.

He also wrote about what had happened at the theatre. I had a flashback about...him again. I was told by Andrew they can come at random and that's what happened. Of course he thinks it's about my dad. Cory, my best friend, called me out and I finally spilled it all out to him and his brother Eric.

I don't know how to feel now. It's like I'm so lost, at least they're the only ones who know. In a way, it's good to get it off my chest. They want me to talk to their parents, but I refused. I know Trevor will come after me when word gets out...

That next afternoon, when Jonathan had the chance, confronted Shawn about his poem for class. Gently, he tried to talk to him, get the kid to open up while they went out for lunch. "What's on your mind?" He asks, just with great concern in his voice. He fiddles with the straw on his soda after having lunch out.

"I just wanted to experiment with edgier stuff. Andrew says that writing poetry can really help, that was something I actually wrote in my journal." He says, trying to keep eye contact, which was extremely hard for him. "Something to express myself. That's all, and of course for a grade." Shawn, for a moment, just wanted to blurt everything out to him, but couldn't bring himself to do so.

"Well, it worries me when someone I care about who usually writes about family and be all bubbly suddenly turns all dark. What is wrong? Let me in Shawn. I want to help you however I can." All he could do was look away, clearly nervous and angry. He gets up and goes to his room, closing the door behind him, leaving Jonathan alone and frustrated.

On Monday, Shawn was quieter than usual in his session with Andrew. He really didn't feel like talking. Then the poem he had wrote in class came up, he knew Andrew seen it. Did he say too much? Why did he even write it in the first place?

Then there was Cory and Eric, he was terribly worried about the two of them saying something because only they knew his deepest secret. It was only a matter of time before Jonathan would find out one way or another. Just like with the date he had. That terrified him worse than his dad beating him. Also, would Andrew have him committed for his own safety? Now since his parents were gone, the thought of his secrets coming out had became his greatest fear.

He wanted to say something, but begins to shake and then suddenly blacks out from the shock of it all. It was like too much was going on inside his head at once. Then suddenly, a switch flips and the last thing he remembers was Andrew calling his name before it everything goes black.

It seemed like forever when Shawn finally wakes up to see Jonathan and Andrew over him while he laid on the couch in the office. Both were relieved he was okay and worried about what had happened. A damp, cool cloth placed on his forehead was the first thing Shawn remembers feeling. Plus, a throbbing headache like the one he had over the weekend at Cory's house.

"Good, you're awake." Andrew tells him, "You had us worried there for a minute. Thankfully you didn't hit your head when you fainted." He gives a look of relief seeing Shawn awake. It actually had been about five minutes that he had been out, but to him it felt like it was much longer. "Now, just close your eyes and lay there."

He closed his eyes again while listening to them talk. Something about his brain shutting down because too much was happening in his head at once. Kind of like when a computer crashes and needs rebooting. The cloth felt good against his forehead, it also kept the bright light mostly blocked.

Once Shawn was feeling better, Andrew and Jonathan left him there on the couch and went into an another room discuss other matters. "He had a reaction to that poem you showed me earlier. There is something inside he really wants to get out, but can't bring himself to do so. I'm certain of that now. And it most likely not what with what his father did to him. The poem was a way to express that."

"What do you mean? There's something worse?" Jonathan asks the doctor, a look of worry on his face. Andrew nods. "You know by now I usually wouldn't discuss in detail our sessions, but I am obliged to tell you Shawn is on the edge.

'I fear for him and his mental well being. I believe he is suffering from a form of what is now called PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and if we can't get him to open up soon, we may lose him." Andrew removes his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose.

Jonathan was at a loss for words. "You're saying he's in some sort of shock from his parents dying?" This was getting harder by the moment. Andrew again nods his head. "Yes, that is part of it. That is making what's eating at him worse. Thankfully, you got him help when you did."

Earlier, before Shawn went in, he had brought up the letter from Chet that included the adoption papers to Andrew. He still didn't know what to do about that, Jonathan wanted to wait until he made an informed decision after talking to some people. As much as he wanted to sign those papers, he just couldn't do it for now.

Andrew advised him on that. "I strongly suggest you hold off on that for the moment. He's very vulnerable at this time. I can clearly tell you care for him very much and that is what's important right now. For now, get him back home and let him rest."

Shawn's headache had eased to a slight throb by the time they were back home and got something to eat in him. At least he now could think clearly enough to do his homework. Anything to keep his mind off of what was going on at the moment. Jonathan couldn't get him to even talk about it, only a switch of topic or silence from the boy.

It is only a matter of time before it comes out. Shawn would write later on before bed. People will find out and I'll be shunned. No girl would want me, they would all think I'm gay. Then the the rest of my miserable life would consist of being alone. I would rather be dead than live like that. I already feel like a walking dead man, why not finish it off and make it official? I am tired of being alone.

Unknown to everyone else, Shawn had battled depression by himself. The clowning around, suave, fun person everyone knew was a mere mask. All those nights alone he cried himself to sleep, he couldn't begin to count. Then there were the scars that didn't come from his father beating him.

The number of times he contemplated suicide were too many for him to count and the attempts he could remember each and everytime. The urges had lessened greatly since he moved in with Jonathan, but they were still there.

All the scars from those were constant reminders of his failure to find any kind of peace. Not even Cory or Jonathan knew what was really going on inside his head. They would reject me if they only knew the truth. Even now I can see my best friend look at me differently.

The conflict inside of Shawn Hunter was reaching a breaking point and the pain was becoming too much for him to bear. Better to end it all now and spare everyone else the pain of looking out for me, he thinks wrapping up his entry for the night. Then he turns off the light and tries to sleep, silent tears soaking the pillow.

The next day Cory and Topanga try to cheer Shawn up, but all they got was a shallow chuckle from him. She only knew what Cory had told her that Shawn told him something really serious and heavy, no details. Only that it had nothing to do with his father. Few traces of the friend they once knew remained, like he had been broken beyond repair and they had no idea of what to do.

"Cory," she says, "Mr. Turner needs to know right now what you're not telling me about Shawn. Whatever it is, you know full well it's serious enough for adults need for get involved here." Topanga tries to convince him of this, but he turns away.

"I just can't bring myself do it. It would feel like I'm betraying him. I feel so guilty even keeping the details from you." Then he walks away, unsure of what to do, conflicted between helping his best friend and risk losing their long, almost brother friendship, possibly forever. He walks off, leaving Topanga alone in the hall.

Shawn had overheard their conversation from the shadows. He sees Cory walk away and follows him into a boy's bathroom. It was there he confronted his so called best friend. It was there he also unleashed a fury that Cory had never seen before.

"How can you break your promise? After all I've been through, I ask for one thing and get backstabbed almost immediately! How much does she know?" He had become aggressive and paranoid, blinded by his inner turmoil.

Cory tries to reason with him. "All she knows is that after the movie you shared something really heavy with me and Eric. No details, I swear, nothing more or less." Shawn refuses to believe him and raises a fist. There was nothing but blind rage filling him as the fist starts to come down.

He swings it towards his friend. Cory tries to raise his hands up to shield himself, but he wasn't fast enough. Shawn ends up hitting him in the eye and it starts swelling almost immediately, hurting really bad. They had their fights before, but this was the first time Shawn really intended to injure him.

Shawn had a look in his eyes that said it all. Pure rage and betrayal clearly showed in them. "I don't ever want to talk to you again Cory Matthews, I regret ever telling you about it." Then he walks out, trembling out of anger, his hand throbbing.

After class let out for the day, Shawn ran off without saying a word. His hand ached from hitting his best friend. That brought a lot of guilt, but he didn't care. He was betrayed and now was alone again. Where would he run to? There was only one place, and that was the trailer park. But then, would he really fit in there once he went back?

"Matthews, how did you get that shiner?" Jonathan asks Cory, when he sees him sporting the black eye after school. Cory takes him inside a classroom, where he expresses his concerns.

"Mr. Turner, Shawn and I got into a fight. He told me and Eric something so tragic...I swore I wouldn't tell. As much as we tried to get him to talk to someone, our parents, his therapist, or even you, we couldn't get through to him. But if I have to, I will. But I want to give him a chance to do so first."

Jonathan tries to get more out of Cory, but he leaves before anything else was said. Then he realizes Shawn hadn't been seen since the last bell. Usually, he would go to Cory's house for a while until he arrived for dinner. With this new information, he had no idea where the kid was now.

He gets to a phone and calls Andrew, leaving a message. "Shawn had a fight with his friend and has run off right after class let out. I'm going to look for him, the weather isn't looking good at all." Jonathan had looked out the window, and became worried seeing the stormclouds gather. Then after hanging up, he grabs his helmet and bag then leaves.

Shawn reaches the park after about fifteen minutes of running. Nothing much had changed. The junk art sculpture in the middle was still there, and all the trash that was lying around. He almost had forgotten what it was like to have lived here. The trailer that once belonged to his dad was still there, getting fixed up for the new owners.

But there was one place he was focused on. Just down the dirt and gravel main street, was a run down trailer. Falling apart and a old, yellowed sign that said, "Condemned by the City of Philadelphia" taped to the front door. This was the place where Shawn lost that part of himself on his ninth birthday by Trevor Jones.

Why haven't they just burned the thing down yet? It would certainly be an improvement for this place. How many had suffered because of him? Hand me the gasoline and matches, I could make it happen. He recalled those wrinkled, rough hands roaming all over while telling Shawn to look at the dirty magazines and whispering things a man would say to a woman. The smell of stale tobacco and alcohol filled his nose. It made him almost vomit with the mere memory of them.

When he had enough, Shawn picks up a rock, he throws it while screaming at the top of his lungs. It flies through a side window, breaking it. After repeating it a few more times, shattering every window he could. Someone nearby yells out from a window, "Hey kid, what you doing?"

Shawn then takes up his bag and runs away from the park, heading back to the apartment, not paying much attention to the gathering storm clouds. Finally, he looks up and sees them. He mutters under his breath at how stupid he was.

Crap, I forgot that the news called for rain today and I left the umbrella back at the apartment. He thinks, at least he had his jacket, hoping that the rain would hold out until he got back. He knew Jonathan was probably out looking for him by now, most likely after hearing he gave Cory that black eye.

After about an hour of searching, Jonathan had decided to go to the trailer park, hoping to find Shawn there. But with he had no luck, although a woman would tell him she saw a kid who was screaming and throwing rocks only forty five minutes earlier.

"He was standing right there," she says, pointing to the run down trailer. "When I called him out, he ran." He shows her a picture of Shawn and the woman recognizes him. "Yeah, that's the kid. Hope you find him. It seemed like he was real angry."

About ten minutes later, Jonathan calls Andrew back. "This is serious. Have you tried the trailer park? Or checked back at your place to see if he's there? After this last session, I can meet you there and try to help."

Jonathan sighs. "No luck at the park, but someone there did mention a kid fitting Shawn's description about an hour before I arrived. Meet me at my place and I'll bring his friend Cory with me. He can help us." He was at the Matthews' house on the off chance Shawn would be there.

The doctor agrees and wraps up his last appointment for the day. It was just after five o'clock. Retrieving the address from his files, he finds it wasn't far from the office. By the time he got there, it was raining really hard and the sound of thunder was heard off in the distance. Reports of lightning were coming over the radio.

Jonathan and Cory were already waiting for him. "Come on in. Andrew, this is Shawn's best friend and as you can tell, he did a number on him earlier today." he says, pointing out the black eye. "I already talked to his parents and they're also on the lookout for him."

"Nice to finally meet you. By what Shawn has told me, you are pretty cool." Cory says, shaking the doctor's hand. Then they talk and wait. "If anything, Shawn will come to his senses and return to what is now the only place he can truly call home, here." Andrew tells them, "Now I want to know Cory, what did Shawn tell you?"

He was reluctant. "I can't do it. I want to give him the chance to say it first, but if need be, I'll do it. Mr. Turner, I need something to drink. And also a new ice pack too, my eye hurts, please." Cory responds, worried and feeling physically sick. "All I can say is that it has nothing to do with his father."

"Sure, Matthews, that won't be a problem." Jonathan gets up and goes into the small kitchen. He pours a glass of water and makes a new ice pack for him. "Here, it looks pretty bad, didn't know Shawn could throw a punch like that." He mentions handing it to Cory.

"All I've tried to do the last few days is to get him to talk to you, my parents, or Mr. Turner." he tells the doctor, "My brother Eric is only other one who knows this and Topanga only knows what you do now." Cory takes a sip of water in an attempt to calm himself down. He then starts to tell about his friend's changes in attitude since the start of the year...

Shawn had spent the better part of an hour trying to avoid open areas because of the rain. But still, he gets soaked to the skin in the downpour. Great, now I may catch a cold because of this. And I don't do well when sick. Finally, he reaches the apartment building and climbs the fire escape five stories up to the window of his bedroom.

He almost always kept it unlocked for occasions like this. All those times he did this at Cory's house made him practically a professional. Climbing inside, he takes off his jacket and drops his school bag on the bed, while trying not to make any noise. I could make a pretty good burglar or spy with these skills. Hopefully I got home before Jon did.

It was quiet, too quiet for him. Slowly opening the bedroom door, he takes a peek into the living room, thinking he's all alone. But suddenly, the light turns on, Shawn sees Jonathan, Andrew and Cory in the small living room. His temper flared up right there for the second time that day.

"Why are you here? With them?" Shawn demands of Cory, soaking wet and stepping forward, his dark brown hair dripping. "I thought I could trust you! Now I know I never can." The lightning flashes behind him, giving off a intense effect. Then he lunges towards his friend, fists curled up, ready to get Cory's other eye. But Jonathan grabs his arm in a firm grip and gets him down on the couch.

"Enough!" he says firmly, his intense hold making Shawn more angrier, his breathing becoming faster and with him wet, it was harder to do so. "Now, Cory says you have something that needs to come out. Tell us, whatever it is, please we can't do anything to help you if you keep silent." Andrew gently asks him, "Where is all this anger coming from?"

After a moment, Shawn had at least gain some composure, and take a few seconds to think. He began biting down on his lip, almost making it bleed. It was then he had to make a decision. Might as well shout it out.

"Okay, but only if he leaves." He points to Cory, "I don't want to see him anytime soon." His voice had a rage Jonathan had never heard before. But Cory stands his ground. He looks squarely in his best friend's eyes.

"Shawn, you're my best friend. I've already told them that if you won't tell them, I would. Even if it costs us our friendship. I can't let you destroy yourself because I love you. We are family, maybe not by blood, but family nonetheless." He looks him right in the eye saying this, then steps back. "What will it be?"

After a moment he relents. "Okay, but I want to have a shower and change before anything else. Let's hope I don't get a cold." Shawn asks Jonathan. "Sure, but I do want to know why you were at the trailer park earlier." He says, a gentle tone to his voice, "Go on, I'll get you some dry clothes."

After his shower and changed into something dry, Shawn had to do the hardest thing he ever had to do. Bring to light the darkest things of his soul. On the couch, he begins. His voice trembles as he struggles to find the words to say.

"There was a man in the trailer park who had latest games and gadgets. It was the place for all the kids. On my ninth birthday, he invited me over to his place for a small party, just the two of us. Mom was in one of her moods and ran off while Dad was working on some job at a construction site, so they couldn't give me one."

"He then brings me some dirty magazines and while I'm looking at them, he touched me where he shouldn't have. Soon after, he started to use objects on me to..." Shawn had to stop, it had become too much for him to go on. Then he starts to feel sick and runs to the bathroom, his headache returning, more intense than ever.

Jonathan was in shock at what just happened. Andrew had gone back there to check on Shawn and Cory sat across from him, unable to say a word. "Let me call your dad and get you home." He finally breaks the silence.

Cory refuses, telling him he could do it himself. "I'll tell him that Shawn is back and safe." Other than the kid throwing up and Cory on the phone, there was no other sound in the apartment.

As much as he wanted to be right there beside his best friend at that very moment, it just wouldn't be the best option. He felt like he hammered the final nail the casket in their friendship right then. The guilt was really eating him up.

I had been so focused on what his father did to him and his death, I never once imagined anything like this could have happened. So, not all the nightmares were of Chet hurting him. Jonathan thinks, hearing sickening sounds of vomit hitting the toilet. The gut instinct he had about this was dead on, it was just all muddled up by all else going on.

When I started to teach, they taught us some of the signs of possible abuse. Never would I ever had to imagine using some of that training. Him and Cory had the same thoughts. By what Cory had said, Shawn had almost every one of those signs. Jonathan wanted to find and get his hands on the freak who did this to him.

"Shawn," Andrew sits next to him on the bathroom floor trying to get his attention, "you probably won't believe this now, but you just did a brave thing back there. And what happened to you was NOT your fault by any means. It never was and never will it be." He reaches out to touch the teen, who was about done with the heaves.

But Shawn wouldn't have any of it. He pulls back, curling up on the floor, trembling like a scared child. His eyes said it all, and in a weak voice asks why he was the one who had to suffer at that man's hands. "Why me? Why is it I always hurt those closest to me?"

Andrew reaches out and touches his back, rubbing it to reassure him he wasn't alone. "You were taken advantage of. That man used your lack of a father figure to exploit you. Predators like him are professionals at that."

"Really?" Shawn finally mentions, his voice weak from all the vomiting. "I always thought strangers mostly did that kind of thing." He sits against the wall, head tilted back. "According to the statistics, sexual assault victims are most often attacked by someone they know. A family member or a close adult friend."

Meanwhile, Alan had arrived to pick up Cory, angry at being told what had happened. Being a father, he naturally had a hatred for those who hurt children. "Jonathan, how's Shawn?" he asks. "Andrew is in there now. Shawn had become physically sick from all this. I'll call you later." Then they leave, both worried than angry more than anything.

Jonathan then goes in and sees Shawn on the floor of the bathroom and wraps his arms around him. Looking up, he sees his guardian holding him like a father. Then he begins to cry, until he was all out of tears to shed. "I'm sorry, so sorry." were the only words coming from his lips between sobs.

"That's it kid, let it out. It's going to be better from here." Andrew sees how gentle Jonathan was with him and thinks how great of a father he will be. He also sees Shawn starting to tire out. He suggests they get some sleep, it had been a long day.

"I want to see you two in my office tomorrow. Shawn needs to be examined and at least now we have a name. It sounds familiar to me, let me do some quick research." Andrew tells Jonathan after Shawn finally falls asleep. "The healing can now begin."

The next few days were hard for Shawn and Jonathan. Exams would show indications of assault, old wounds that had healed. Thankfully, he was clean in terms of diseases. And as much as it was uncomfortable for him, Shawn made it look like he had taken it all in stride, or at least that's what he wants everyone to think. But he still wouldn't talk to Cory. He couldn't face him after that fight, the guilt would take over.

He would see his friend while passing by in the hall, black eye healing up and that made him feel so guilty for giving it to him. Topanga tries to get them to at least talk to each other, but Jonathan tells her and Cory that Shawn has too much going on at the moment.

"Matthews, Shawn feels guilty for what he did to you. He told me so, but right now he can't bring himself to say it to you face to face. This whole thing will take time, but be patient." He tells him, "All we can do is be there for him. You risked everything for Shawn. Never believe otherwise."

Cory knew his English teacher was right. First Shawn losing his parents, now with the revelation of him being sexually assaulted. He needed to be at his best friend's side at this time. But at the moment that wasn't possible.

The guilt and shame was almost too much for Shawn. That made him so paranoid, thinking that Trevor would come back and silence him for telling. The only time he was aggressive that Shawn could remember. Not one word, or I will come back and hurt those around you. While you watch. He would say after each assault.

I'm scared, he writes, scared that Trevor will find out, come back and make true to his threat. I feel empty since everything came to light. Still, why do I have to even feel anything? I've lost my best friend and there may be a place in the loony bin for me. They don't think I know, but I'm not stupid. Andrew and Jonathan want to ship me off there to get me out of their hair. I just know it. Maybe it's the only place I can be safe.

While Jonathan slept that night, Shawn was frantically searching his room for something. Since everything came out, Jonathan had kept a close eye on him whenever possible, rarely leaving him alone. Anything that was sharp, poisons, medications or anything considered dangerous were hidden or locked away. But there was a chance he didn't get everything after he did a sweep of Shawn's room.

Andrew had also expressed concerns that Shawn may try to harm himself. Already way ahead of you there Doc. There is no way you and Jonathan couldn't have gotten everything. He thinks, running his hand along the underside of a dresser drawer, and feeling something taped there.

Pulling out a small case, there was an old pocket knife his father left him, along with a sharpening stone. Shawn was relieved at his small success. His own father had unknowingly provided him the instrument that could end his pain at last. Maybe in the afterlife we can reconcile, thanks Dad.

All the times he's attempted suicide, this was his best shot. Not all the scars on his body were from accidents or Dad beating him. Some were from failed or half hearted attempts, stemming from him being a coward. Sometimes he used a belt or rope, but never could bring himself to use poison or pills.

Shawn cradles his pocket knife like a priceless gem. His dad had gotten it during one of his many travels as a trucker. A black stone handle inlaid with jade, shaped like a dragon. He holds his breath to hear if Jonathan was still sound asleep, unaware of anything going on. After hearing nothing out of the ordinary, he breathes a sigh of relief, putting the knife back in the box before writing in his journal again.

I may be able to do it this time, I actually have a motivation now. To spare myself the agony of living with this pain. Andrew doesn't have any idea of what it's like living like this. Nobody has any idea of the agony. And what no better place end it than the trailer where it all happened. A part of me died there anyway.

What my father did to me, the drunken beatings and name calling, I could deal with. But this...I can never live it down. What would people think, associating themselves with someone like me? Then Shawn closes the book and finally could go back to sleep, absolutely sure of what he wants to do now and nothing could sway him from it.

Another dull day at school. He was unusually cheery, almost back to his old self. Tracking down Topanga at the end of the day, he hands her the filled journal asking her to give it to Cory. Shawn just couldn't bring himself to do it. I am so so sorry for hurting you Cory, hopefully one day you will have it in your heart to forgive me.

"I don't need it anymore. Tell him I'm sorry for what I did to him." He says to her, then giving her a peck on the cheek. She sees his eyes well up with tears and tries to get him to tell her why he gave this to her. "It's all in there. Gotta go, I have an appointment." Shawn then turns and leaves her alone.

Just off the school grounds, he stops at a tree and digs at the base. His knife was still there, he had buried it there that morning after him and Jonathan had arrived. That way, he couldn't risk getting caught with it on him on school grounds and catch a weapons charge. Taking one last look at the school, he then walks away, slow at first, eventually running towards the one place he had in mind.

Cory couldn't even concentrate throughout the day. His best friend was right next to him and Shawn wouldn't even look in his direction. Then Topanga comes running up, holding something in her hands. "Shawn gave me this to pass along to you." She frantically tells him. He recognizes the book as his journal. "He says he didn't need it anymore."

He couldn't bring himself to read it. Shawn's private thoughts in his hands and as much as Cory wanted to read it, he just couldn't. It would be an intrusion of the most basic rules of privacy. Then Jonathan comes up behind them and sees the book in his hands.

"Is that...Shawn's? How did you get it?" He asks, concerned. Topanga tells him of how he gave it to her and that Shawn seemed unusually calm doing it. "Mr. Turner, I know he wouldn't give this up easily. In fact...oh no." Jonathan realizes what she was trying to say.

"Let me have that," He says, referring to the journal. She gives it to him and a letter falls out, addressed to Jonathan. Picking it up, and unfolding it, he begins to read it.

Jon, it began, I'm going make this short and simple. I can't go on like this. The pain is too much for me to bear, the wounds are too deep for me to have any kind of happiness or healing. What my father did to me I can deal with. But what that man did to me, I just can't live with. Tell Cory I'm sorry for what happened, maybe one day he will forgive me. Thanks for everything you've done. But it's wasn't enough. Goodbye, Shawn.

His face turned pale, realizing what Shawn was planning to do, he goes to the nearest phone and calls Andrew. Jonathan was frantic, and rightfully so. Since he didn't pick up, Jonathan left a urgent message on the office answering machine.

"Doc, I think Shawn is going to hurt himself. He left his journal to a friend and now he's gone. I was going to discuss with him about the adoption papers over dinner tonight. I'm heading out to look for him right now. He may have gone back to the park. That's the first place I'm going to. Meet me there as soon as possible." Hanging up, he gets his bag and helmet and rides off.

Jonathan prays frantically as the sound of the motorcycle fills his ears as he sped down the street. Growing up he had went to church, but despite not being in a place of worship often since turning eighteen outside of weddings and funerals, still believed there was a God. If You're up there, keep Shawn alive. I need him as much as he does me.

Shawn had pried the door to the trailer open just enough to slide his slim frame inside. It looked just as bad inside as the out. Bottles and cigarette butts littered the ground. This had become like one of those crack houses he had heard all about on the news.

He sat down on the floor, amid all the litter. Someone had been there not long before him. The smell of booze was strong in the air along with tobacco and God knows what else. But it didn't matter to Shawn, he had a task to accomplish.

Shawn had to be careful not to step on any areas of the floor that may cave in. The walls were stained and holes in them. It didn't matter, he could remember where everything was. Like the little counter between the kitchen and living room where all the chips and soda would sit. Now it was a stained, torn up mess. Then he heads into the empty bedroom. It was there everything changed for him.

He was there for a reason, to finally prove to everyone once and for all he could do something right. To no longer hear those voices tormenting him would be the greatest pleasure in his life. He began to sharpen the knife with the stone, the sound of doing so soothed him for some strange reason.

Jonathan had arrived at the park and not long after recognizes Andrew's car coming up to the park entrance. "Jon, I have some information about the man who hurt Shawn." he says, handing him a photocopy of an old newspaper article.

"This was about a Trevor Jones who was sentenced to life without parole after being convicted of multiple counts of child rape. He was killed in a prison riot a year and a half ago. This man went on the run after getting a eleven year old girl pregnant here in Philly and was caught soon after. He lived in this trailer park, so it lines up with what Shawn told us."

The teacher looks at the picture, sending shivers down his spine. "Let's go find him." They find the old trailer, the front door had clearly been forced open. Broken windows with glass lying all around the ground. Going inside, they were almost knocked to the ground by the smell coming from it.

Jonathan was the first to find Shawn in a corner of a back room. The teen had something shiny in one hand. Obviously a blade held up to a wrist, ready to cut in a heartbeat. One step and the slight noise brings Shawn out of his deadly concentration.

"Who's there? Why can't you just leave me alone?" Shawn says into the shadows, bringing the pocket knife he had sharpened earlier to his throat. "One step closer and I will bleed out all over here!" His body tenses up and he presses himself into the wall. He couldn't quite tell who was there at the door in the darkness.

"It's me Shawn, I promise not to come any closer. But please put that knife down. Where did you get it?" Jonathan says, stepping into the room and into what little light that was coming in from the broken window. "It was a gift from Dad. He gave it to me just before he left." The boy mentions after a long silence.

"With everything going on, your parents gone and what that man did to you, I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like experiencing anything like that. But I need you to help me understand how to help you. Andrew is waiting just outside the door and he gave me something that may get you to rethink this decision." He then attempts to slowly move forward. If he can keep Shawn from doing anything drastic by keeping his focus on him, there was a chance.

"How do I know you won't have me locked away somewhere? Or even keep me safe from Trevor? He has eyes and ears everywhere." Shawn lifts his eyes off the floor, knife still at his throat, staring at Jonathan, who stood about five feet from him.

"This was where he attacked me, over there was his bed and the closet with the dirty magazines." He points across the small room. "It all happened right here. What a fitting place for me to actually die, where I lost my innocence. And that has left me half dead already. I'm a walking dead man."

"Like I said, I have something here that can assure you he won't come after you ever again. Andrew did some digging and found this." Jonathan pulls out the folded article and slides it to him. Shawn cautiously reaches over and picks it up. Unfolding it, he reads it and begins to soften up. A look of relief began to appear on his face. But the knife was still at his throat.

"I also have something else for you Shawn, two things actually. But you have to live to know what they are. Give me a chance." Andrew was standing just outside the room, watching all this from the doorway. He wanted to let Jonathan reach out to Shawn before stepping in if needed.

Jonathan saw the pause as an opportunity to get closer and when he was close enough, gently takes his arm with the knife and pulls it away from the kid. He finally got to see Shawn's eyes in the dim light, a faint spark of hope inside of them. He extends a hand, hoping the boy would drop it into his palm.

"He's really dead? One day right before I turned twelve, he got up and left, saying he had a family emergency, gave everything away. Never saw him again, but his last words to me were a threat. He got what he deserved." Shawn says, trembling. "But what about the shame, the pain he caused me and who knows how many others? How can I live with that?"

"That's why Andrew is there for you. I'm here for you and all those who love and care for you. Even your parents left you something. But first, please give me the knife." Jonathan asks, still holding Shawn's arm. His eyes almost pleading with the teenager's.

He reaches into his pocket with the other one and pulls out the letter for Shawn. "Here, your dad left this for you. I haven't read it yet. Now hand me the knife and you can have it. Is that a fair exchange?"

Shawn finally drops it on the ground instead and takes the letter. Andrew by this point had come inside the room, taking the blade and folding it. "How about we go back to the apartment? Better lit and definitely smells better than here." He suggests, cringing his nose. Shawn agrees and go back to their place.

Once back, Shawn had decided to read his father's last letter aloud to them. He was nervous, scared of how they would react. Opening it, and with a cracking voice, he starts reading it aloud.

Shawn, it began, I know full well I've done you wrong. You deserved better, you and Jack both. Turner has my respect, even inspiring me to quit drinking. Virna and I made a decision, one that will break our hearts, but will benefit you in the long run.

We have drawn up papers allowing Turner to legally adopt you. We want the best for you and we can't give that. I lost one son because of the bottle I don't want the same thing to happen with you. This is the greatest gift I can give you. But I do want to know how you're doing and all that.

I love you too much to make you suffer anymore that you already have at our hands. Maybe we can have a relationship in the future and you may even find it in your heart to forgive me. Listen to Jonathan, he's a good man. A better father than I ever was to you. And he's single.

Never forget that I have loved you, I grew up being taught that men couldn't cry or show much emotion in front of others except on rare occasions. And with that came pressure that alcohol took off, and I didn't handle it well. What I did was never your fault and I have regrets. The blame lies entirely on me. I was wrong in teaching you a Hunter never cries. It's time to change that. Love always, Dad.

By the end, Shawn was bawling like a baby. He then felt that now he could cry and not feel ashamed, burying his head in his guardian's chest. "I got another thing here for you, like I promised. Andrew, hand me that stack of papers over there to me please." Jonathan asks, and the doctor does so, showing them to Shawn.

"These were sent to me, dated two days before your parents died and I've talked to a lawyer. They came the day we started seeing Andrew, but forgot I had them for a month. They are papers that would allow me to legally adopt you. I need you as much as you need me. Would you like me to start the process?"

Shawn looks up into those compassionate eyes of the man he has come to trust and without hesitation tells him yes. "My father did this for me? Saw past himself for once and sacrificed me so I can have something better?" Jonathan nods and Andrew wipes a tear from his face he was so moved.

Andrew speaks up. "Shawn, you have a great group of people around you. They're your family along with Jack and they would be more than happy you didn't take your life. There is nothing to fear anymore. Those threats Trevor made were a tactic to keep you silent. He was at blame here, not you." The doctor assures him of that.

"Jon, can I call Cory? I have a lot of apologizing to do. And Jack too? They have to know the news." Shawn asks and Jonathan happily agrees. "Of course you can. Andrew, how long would it take for this to be done?"

"Well, since you are already the boy's guardian, and with the situation, I think we can get this done pretty quickly." The doctor explains. "Of course this would mean a lot of social workers coming over and meetings, but we can probably get around most of that." He's beaming a smile saying all this.

Considering the circumstances, within a month the papers were signed, just two weeks before Christmas. It was the best gift Shawn ever recieved. The ones he definitely knew loved him were present along with Jack, all serving as witnesses. But instead of taking Jonathan's last name, he chose to keep his.

The reason why he chose to do so was he wanted it to be a memorial to his father who loved him enough to give him up for a better life. He didn't just have a roof over his head, a window to climb out of and a not just a friend, but a now a home and a new family.

He now had two fathers. One who gave him life and despite screwing up in raising Shawn, loved him all along, but didn't quite know how to express it in a healthy manner, ultimately giving him up to save the both of them. The other was a single man who was his teacher and had the concern of not just a teacher, but of a friend, even a father. There was hope after all for Shawn Patrick Hunter.

The End