Disclaimer: I wish I created Remus, Tonks and the Harry Potter universe- but I didn't. Everything belongs to the genius that is J.K. Rowling and I am just borrowing it. Enjoy!
I think Remus has fallen asleep. His lupine head rests in my lap, his eyes closed and his breathing heavy. I'm glad. The wolfsbane potion makes him sleepy, but he prefers to struggle through the fatigue, desperate to stay awake. I think he's afraid the potion will stop working it he sleeps. It's a ridiculous thing to worry about, but he does so anyway. That just about sums Remus up, doesn't it?
It's been three months since Remus turned up on the doorstep begging for forgiveness, explaining what he'd done with tears in his voice. He didn't need to explain. I knew exactly what had happened. People say Remus is difficult to read, that to crack what on earth he's thinking is an impossible task. I think he's an open book. I knew exactly where he was when I woke three months ago to find Remus missing. After all, I had seen his horrified face when my dear auntie Bellatrix's howler exploded earlier that morning, swearing vengeance on the Black who dared to marry a werewolf, promising to track down me and the unborn baby. I debated putting locking charms on our bedroom door that night, not to keep things out but to keep things in. I didn't in the end, though. I guess I thought not even Remus would be that stupid.
I forgave him at once of course. How could I hate someone who hates himself so badly that he thought our child would prefer no dad at all to him? I didn't let him know that at first, obviously. He'd given me one hell of a scare, and I certainly told him so. But I'm not angry at him, I never have been. Just exasperated. Why in Merlin's name he couldn't have just spoken to me? Then again, that's not really Remus's style.
The full moon is shining outside the window. Its ghostly light makes me shudder. I can't see the moon the way I used to, before I met Remus. Once you see the suffering it causes him, it's difficult to look at it as anything but malicious and cold. And when you see the moon like that, it's difficult to unsee.
In the morning, the sun, the beautiful sun, will rise and end this night of suffering for Remus. Like every full moon, I will listen to him scream in agony as the moon changes him back, like every full moon I will look after him the next day, bringing him potions and chocolate and anything that might help. And like every full moon he will ask me why I bother, why I care. And, like every time he asks me this, I will roll my eyes and tell him "Because I love you." I have told him this a million times, and he still doesn't understand. Maybe he never will.
I remember it all so clearly. The powerful crush I had on the shy man with the darned robes and scarred face who sat at the back of Order meetings, reporting back in his quiet, slightly hoarse voice. The overwhelming despair I felt when he told me he couldn't, he just couldn't. The fear, the paralyzing petrifying fear when he put his name down for the most dangerous job the Order had to offer. He went to spy on the very werewolf that ruined his life forever thirty years ago. All to avoid admitting his feelings for me. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is.
I understand. I understand why he did what he did, why he ran away. He felt like he had to protect me and our child. I've seen what he goes through, and I know why he is so petrified of inflicting that on our tiny defenceless baby. He can't bear the thought of another living a life as miserable as his.
Everyone thought I would be angry. All I was was sad.
He's stirring now. I knew he wouldn't sleep long. His eyelids open, revealing amber brown eyes that stare at me, ashamed to have given into his fatigue. In a split second, he is upright and alert again. He leaps off the sofa and perches on the rug, ears pricked as though searching for danger.
"Go to sleep," I tell him softly. He shakes his head firmly. I know there will be no more debate on this matter.
He's a stubborn old wolf.
(A/N) Thank you for reading! This is set during DH so I don't know where he would have got the Wolfsbane Potion from- maybe Andromeda or Tonks are really good potion brewers? Sorry about that. Please let me know what you thought, some constructive criticism would be much appreciated!