AN: This is inspired/stolen/based off of Do-a-barrel-roll's 444 Things I Can't Do in Amestris. She is far funnier than I will ever be, so if you're a FMA fan make sure to check it out. In the meantime, enjoy some good old-fashioned crack written by yours truly. ^_^

1. I will not use my 3D maneuver gear in any irresponsible fashions, such as...

It was 3:30 in the morning when every civilian in a 50 mile radius was woken by an unbearably loud noise. It took a minute for everyone to realize that what they were hearing was actually human. Connie zipped full speed from building to building, singing as loud as was physically possible, in the most obnoxious voice he could muster.

"SPIDER-MAN SPIDER-MAN HE DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN OH SPIDER-MAN SPIDER-"

The young cadet unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it), lost control and smashed face first into the side of a building.

2. Or-

"C'mon, Jean!"

"Don't be a chicken!"

"Indoor training, what's the worst that could happen?"

Jean nodded and arranged his previously nervous features into a stupidly determined expression.

He braced his feet firmly against the floor, back to the wall, full 3DMG strapped on. Ymir and Sasha pushed the tables to the sides of the dining hall so that he had plenty of room.

"Ready?" Reiner asked eagerly. Jean nodded again.

"Okay...now!" The cadet released half of his gas in a split second, sending him flying across the room, slamming face-first into the opposite wall, and crumpling to the floor.

The other cadets stared in horror at their unconscious friend, except for Annie, who looked uninterested as usual, and Ymir, who had collapsed in an uncontrollable fit of silent laughter.

Erwin is not Barbie.

Commander Pixis looked the platinum blond in the eye. "Erwin, I need to ask you something. You must tell me the complete truth. Mankind's fate depends on your answer!"

Erwin nodded gravely. "I assure you that I will not lie," he said, wondering what this serious matter could be. "What is the question?"

Pixis leaned in close and whispered, "Commander, do you live a fantastic life in plastic?"

His body was never found.

4. Neither is Annie.

Jean, Connie, and Reiner were all huddled together in one corner of the dining hall. Reiner was holding three straws. Four minutes of scuffling, whispered arguments, and sobbing, "I'm to young to die!" later, Jean emerged from the group and walked slowly toward an unsuspecting Annie, like a tiger stalking his prey. Ever so carefully he tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and eyed him warily.

"What is it, Jean?"

"C'mon Barbie let's go party!"

He had a good life.

5. I will not try to teach Titans how to dance.

"Hi Bean! Good morning, Sawney!" Hanji said cheerfully, stepping up to the chained titans. The soldier guarding them began shaking his head frantically. "Please ma'am, don't get so close! It's dangerous!"

The brunette ignored him and continued talking to the titans. "Today I'm going to teach you something new! First watch me," Hanji swung around and pointed to one of her soldiers, who was holding a large boom box. "Hit it!" Then those poor soldiers saw something that would haunt their dreams for the rest of their lives.

"DA LE A TU CUEPRO ALEGRIA MACARENA QUE TU CUERPO ES PA DARLE ALEGRIA Y COSA BUENA DA LE A TU CUEPRO ALEGRIA MACARENA EEEEEH MACARENA-AY" As if Hanji's atrocious singing voice was not horrifying enough, the titans actually started copying her dance movements!

"Yes that's it Bean! Palms up...cross your arms over your chest…yeah you got it, Sawney!...okay now move those hips! EEEEEH MACARENA-AY!"

Meanwhile the soldiers where in disarray, running in circles, and screaming, "MY VIRGIN EYES!"