Oliver's Guide to Girls
CHAPTER ONE: Girls.
Original title, I know, I know. But it seriously cannot be helped. The term 'girls' is so generic enough that it covers everything from the 'G' down to the 'S'. On the flip side however, we do get to discuss the topic of girls.
Alright already.
Geez.
My friends – male friends that is – continually ask me what makes me think that I, Oliver Oken, know enough about the female species to even begin to be able to write a topic on them. Quite frankly, not much. But what I do know of this temperamental, yet delicate species I have learned from my best friends, my two best female friends to be exact. Yes gentlemen, you are taking advice from a man with two girls as his closest personal friends.
It is not that I do not get along with males; in fact, I am often quoted as saying that I need more. Too much estrogen mixed with large amounts testosterone equals national disaster! If you haven't already worked it out, I am speaking from experience here.
The female species is fragile but when threatened, ooh boy you better run! There is no stopping a girl when she has fury written in her eyes and flames on her cheeks. You want to hope that you are not on the receiving end of this full blown rage but if by some unfortunate chance you are...apologise. Even if you don't know what you are apologising for because chances are, neither does she. Her fury is usually an outlet for pent up sexual desires for you and she requires someone to take her anger out on and congratulations there Mr. Punching-bag, you just became it.
I have been forced by my editor here –
who is one of my best friends by the way –
to say that no one has ever had enough
'pent up sexual desire to want to take it out on me'
Yeah, yeah, she is sitting right across from me and I can see the lust written in her eyes.
Oh yeah, she wants me bad!
Punching, kicking, biting, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many other things that are worse and sorry to say boys, but there is nothing you can do about it. You will always be hungry.
So hungry in fact that you are now watching your best friend take your
burger and consume it.
No scratch that, she just INHALED it!
I don't care if you are hungry, you took my burger!
Oh great, and now my shake.
She will take your food and because she is a girl (and quite frankly you are terrified of her – but you must never let her know that) you will let her.
Insults become as common as everyday conversations and often quite unimaginative. However, seeing as she is a girl, she will find one insult that just seems to hit below the belt enough and stick with that. You will never get rid of it no matter how persuasive you can be. She will throw it in at the most inappropriate times...
like now
...and sometimes even when your mother is present, and if yours is anything like mine then all I can say is good luck to ya.
Chest hair will become a thing of the past, or in my case a figment of my imagination. When I found my first one, I was so excited and told my female friends. Before the bell even rang for first period that day, it was gone. It was a sad day for male kind and in the time since, many other comrades have fallen and I have resorted to the fact that I more than likely may never have chest hair. Facial hair on the other hand she cannot take away from you.
That is until the moment she sits across the desk from you
and tells you that you are starting to resemble one of the Muppets
and that Fozzy bear wants his fur back.
No I will not shave it off!
Ok, I'll shave it off.
Other boys will try to interfere on your territory and make their mark on your girl friends. They will do anything they can to turn them against you and sometimes this will work, but you, holding the upper hand having known these girls for many years can play your 'friend' card and make the competition no more. After your girl friend has had her heart broken, she will need much attention and reassurance from her friends. Be warned, this may require you to express yourself through feelings. Vulnerability is to be expected in these dire circumstances. Show your friend that you are a man and nothing like those boys she has been drooling over.
Please, I so can be deep.
Oh, and stop interrupting me!
Girls love to gossip, that is a given and with gossip comes secrets. Ugh, secrets. Just one little secret can blow you well out to sea without a raft. Especially if you weren't expecting it as in my case.
What kind of a friend would I be if I gave away one of the world's
best kept secrets right here, right now?
A dead one.
Nice.
And believe me when I say I would like to live to see my next birthday, plus I have no chest hairs to give at the present time so no secret revealing today, sorry boys, but you soon learn to appreciate your friends more when you can trust each other enough to reveal your deepest and darkest secrets. Even if you are the LAST to know thank you very much!
No I will not get over it!
And I am not a baby; I'm just a little sensitive.
However, secrets do keep your friendships aligned and at the best of times you do have some pretty awesome times, especially backstage.
Oops....
No I was not being careless, it just slipped. Honest.
What I am trying to say is that females are complicated. Very, very complicated. They will tell you one thing but mean another. They will break down at the drop of a hat and be fine five minutes later. All problems can be resolved with chocolate, ice cream and abusive phone calls. They will only ever see you as the friend. I suppose I should say that this is a good thing, but in reality, it couldn't be further from the truth.
I'm Oliver Oken...and I'm in love with my best friend.