The Claws Of Depression
Rating: M, just to be safe.
Pairings: Harry/Tom Riddle.
Warnings: Contains swearing, depression, suicide attempts, and self-harm.
Summary: After the Battle of Hogwarts, a depressed Harry commits suicide, wanting nothing more but to rest in peace. But someone has other plans for him. Harry is instead sent to the year 1944, where he is reunited with his old arch nemesis, Tom Riddle? Will this experience heal him, or forever break him?
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Chapter One:
Putting an End to One's Misery
Harry collapsed on the floor, his whole body shaking in exhaustion. He had finally done it. Voldemort was dead.
Harry knew that he should be relieved that he was finally dead, but the guilt he felt inside of him overwhelmed him. That soul deprived bastard was finally dead, but at what cost? Thousands of lives were lost. Friends... Loved ones... Life had even been taken away from the hands of innocent children, taken away before they even had a proper chance at living.
Harry knew that there was no point lying to himself. The fault of these numerous deaths belonged solely to him. He had nobody to blame but himself. He felt tears prickle his eyes. He hastily wiped them away. Crying wouldn't bring them back.
He was disgusted with himself. If he had pushed Cedric out of the way, and taken the curse himself, his friend might have had a chance to escape. But he let the pain he had felt at that moment overpower him, when his friend's life was in danger.
If Harry hadn't been so stupid as to believe that Sirius had been really captured by Voldemort, then his godfather would have lived. He had gone to rescue him, when in the end, he was the one in need of rescuing. Because of him, Sirius was dead.
If he had surrendered himself to Voldemort immediately, then the battle at Hogwarts would have never taken place. Everyone would have lived... Remus... Tonks... Fred... If he hadn't been so goddamn selfish... So goddamn thick... Then maybe it wouldn't have arrived to this point.
Even though during their conversation via the Resurrection Stone, they had told him that they didn't blame him, but he couldn't help himself from feeling guilty.
"Harry!" a familiar voice called out.
Harry sighed, slightly frustrated. He was in no mood to make conversation. He just wanted to be left alone. He hurriedly wiped his eyes again, before forcing himself into a sitting position.
"Yes Hermione?"
His friend had sat down beside him and was gazing at him intently.
"Are you okay, Harry?" she asked, visibly concerned.
"I'm fine," he replied quietly.
Seeing the way she was staring at him, he knew that she didn't believe him. But he honestly couldn't bring himself to care.
"Are you really okay Harry?"
"I told you I'm fine Hermione!" Harry snapped, hoping she would get the hint and leave him alone.
Hermione was clearly taken aback by his sudden change in behavior, but didn't comment on it. They lapsed into a somewhat uncomfortable silence. Harry knew she wanted to say something, but was restraining herself from saying it.
After some time, he saw her start to shiver from the cold. It was only at that point that he noticed that they were sitting in front of the Great Lake.
"You should go back inside, I'm afraid I won't be much fun tonight."
"I'm fine here," she said. Harry's hand twitched slightly. "I'm worried about you, Harry," she finally confessed.
"There's no need to worry about me."
"But I do!" she protested. "Harry, you're my best friend! How can I not worry about you?"
Any trace of frustration he had felt just before was now gone. Harry didn't think it was possible, but he now felt even more guilty. He didn't deserve a friend like Hermione. She was nothing but nice to him and all he ever did was to take her life for granted. He had let her willingly come along with him on all of his adventures. He could have lost her countless times. And after all of that, she still wanted to be his friend.
And to be honest, Harry wanted to keep her as a friend. But he knew that it was another one of his selfish thoughts. After all, even with Voldemort gone, there were lots of vengeful Death Eaters roaming around the country. Harry still wasn't safe. If he let her stay with him, then there was a risk of her getting injured. And he wouldn't allow that.
As for Ron, Harry seriously doubted that they would remain friends. After all, Ron probably hated him now seeing as there was a high probability that he blamed him for Fred's death. And he couldn't blame him. He may have not done it directly, but he was still partially responsible for his death.
Harry at least consoled himself with the fact that if they stayed apart, that they wouldn't be in any danger.
Harry turned his head slowly towards Hermione, who was still looking at him. Their eyes met for a brief moment, before he broke the contact. He knew what he had to do.
"Hermione, I don't think that we can be friends anymore," he told her sadly, internally wincing at how childish his words sounded.
"What?!" she cried, aghast. Then her eyes narrowed "If this is about your 'saving people' complex then-"
"No it's not like that," he lied, interrupting her in the process. "It's for... personal reasons... I need time to process everything that has happened."
Hermione didn't answer straight away. She seemed to be in deep thought.
"I understand Harry," she finally replied, even though he could tell she didn't. "After all we've all been through a lot... Though I can't even imagine how bad it must have been for you. You've always had this huge weight of responsibility on your shoulders. You've never had the possibility to live a normal life," she paused, hesitation written all over her face. "But I don't see why you feel the need to throw away your friendships. We all need to rely on others in order to heal. We can help you through this. Please trust me on this, Harry."
Harry sighed. He knew that it was going to be hard, but not this hard. He was feeling awful about this. But he knew deep down that it was for the best.
"I'm sorry Hermione. But while you and others might think that, I don't. I need to be on my own to heal. Being around..." he broke off in mid sentence. The lump that had suddenly formed in his throat was preventing him from speaking properly. He took a deep breath. "Being around you brings back too many memories... Memories I want to forget..."
Not wanting to see the look on her face, he stood up, and took a couple of steps forward.
"I don't think that's the real reason Harry..."
"And how would you know?" he questioned, his anger returning without warning.
"Harry, I've known you for years. I can tell when you're lying to me or not," she said with a little smile, in hope to lighten the mood. "Why don't you tell me the truth, Harry?"
Something in Harry snapped at that moment.
"YOU JUST HAVE TO BLOODY KNOW EVERYTHING DON'T YOU?! YOU DO NOTHING BUT PUT YOUR NOSE INTO OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESSES! WELL GUESS WHAT? IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, IT ANNOYS THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYBODY! HASN'T IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT YOU MAY BE UNWELCOME? NO, OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T! YOU JUST PRESSURE AND BOSS EVERYONE AROUND JUST TO SATISFY YOUR OWN DAMNED CURIOSITY!" He shouted, breathing heavily.
"W-what? Of course not!" she cried, tears welling up in her eyes.
"AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DENY IT! YOU ALWAYS DO THAT! YOU WANT TO HAVE THE ANSWERS FOR EVERYTHING! ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO STOP PRESSURING ME FOR ANSWERS AND TO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! BUT NO YOU NEVER DO! WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?! FUCK YOU HERMIONE! I HA-"
BANG!
The next thing Harry knew, he was once more sprawled out on the ground, his jaw throbbing painfully. Ron was looming over him, a murderous expression on his face.
It was only at that moment that Harry realized what he had done. He was horrified. He had lost control of his emotions and had shouted at his best friend. She was only trying to help him and he had insulted her horribly. What the hell was wrong with him?
Harry was vaguely aware that Ron was shouting at him, but he couldn't seem to register anything that was said to him. That's when he realized something.
He just wanted it all to end. Frankly, he was exhausted. He didn't have the strength to carry on. It was too painful. He felt a couple of tears slip down his cheeks, but was too tired to care. He had had enough. He had suffered enough.
He wanted nothing else but to rest in peace.
He wanted desperately to join his parents and Sirius.
Not thinking clearly, he snatched his wand from his pocket and pointed it towards himself. However it was snatched from him before he could do anything.
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU HARRY!" Ron yelled, his face extremely pale.
The response from Ron made Harry lift his head to meet his eyes. Seeing his best-friend's angered and shocked look, he broke. He began to cry in earnest. He buried his head in his knees, heart retching sobs wracking his frame. He never saw the alarmed look that Ron and Hermione shared.
After a while he felt a pair of arms engulf him into a hug. Harry, who was now hysterical, tried to push the person away, but the grip they had on him was strong.
"N-no no! Let me g-go! Please!" he moaned in between sobs.
His pleas went ignored by the person. Instead the arms tightened around him. This resulted in Harry to fight violently against the grip, hyperventilating. His eyes were unfocused and his magic was lashing violently around him.
He felt the arms leave him abruptly. He thought he heard someone telling him to calm down but he was already too far gone.
Images were now flashing in his mind, so fast that they made his head hurt. He felt his vision start to blacken. Harry was mentally begging for it to stop. Seeing the images flying around so fast in his head was agony.
Finally the images slowed down, before settling to one in particular.
"Sirius..." Harry whispered brokenly.
It was the last thing he said before the darkness claimed him.
Harry groggily woke up, feeling disorientated. His head throbbed painfully. He opened his eyes. Everything was spinning around him, so fast that it made him want to throw up. He closed his eyes again, hoping that this feeling of sickness would pass soon.
When he was convinced that he wasn't going to be sick everywhere, he opened them once more. He forced himself into a sitting position, using one arm as leverage. The other was grasping his head.
He looked around him. He was in a dimly lit room. He vaguely wondered why he was no longer in the grounds, but his head was too painful for him to care.
The room he was in felt somehow familiar but his vision was too blurry for him to properly identify the room. He reached out blindly for his glasses on the floor next to him. Once he found them, he cleaned them on his robes before putting them back on.
When he could see properly, he continued checking his surroundings when his eyes landed on something that made his stomach lurch involuntary.
He was staring at the veil. The veil Sirius had fallen through.
He didn't know how long he sat there, staring at the tattered black veil. It was swaying slightly, like there was a small breeze in the room. The tall archway that surrounded the veil was made of stone. It looked like it was going to fall to pieces, but it only seemed to add to its fascinating beauty.
Harry slowly stood up, and made his way to the veil. He thought he could hear whispering as he edged more and more towards it.
Once he was standing right in front of it, he hesitantly touched the veil with his hand. It felt unnaturally cold, but somehow it felt right.
He wondered what it must be like to walk though the veil. Would his death be quick and pain free, or would it be long and painful?
A thought then occurred to him. Harry was no longer obliged to live. He had achieved his purpose in life, so he wasn't needed anymore. For the first time in his life, Harry finally had a choice. He didn't have to live, or even die just because the situation demanded it.
A small, broken smile formed on his lips. He was finally free.
Stepping through the veil was a very appealing idea to him as he would finally he able to rest in peace. He would be with his loved ones for eternity. That's all he had ever wanted, a family.
Making his decision, he summoned some parchment and inc. He wrote a few words on it before placing it next to the veil. Someone would find it soon enough.
He then took a deep breath and stepped through the veil, without so much as a backwards glance.
The train station was empty. There were no trains, not even passing by ones. The place was deserted. That was until a young man suddenly appeared from thin air. He was unconscious.
The man wasn't on his own for long, as a strange, cloaked figure arrived soon after. It made his way to the person, twirling its scythe in its hands.
The figure then used his scythe to turn the unconscious man so that he was on his back. A gleeful smile appeared on its lips.
"My, my, twice in one evening Harry Potter, I believe you're setting a record," it remarked dryly." I may have allowed you to come back the first time, reluctantly I may add, but now you're all mine," it continued in a sadistic voice.
"Now what should I do with you?" it wondered. "I could send you to Heaven, but seeing as you committed suicide, I'm pretty reluctant to do so. And anyway, you're far too entertaining to be left out of my watch. I could send you to Hell, where you would be reunited with your old pal, Tom Riddle. I must say, it would be amusing to watch the both of you curse each other into oblivion. Or..." His eyes shone with mirth. "I could make you my personal servant. You would do my bidding and suffer daily tortures, until you realize that what old Voldy did to you was nothing compared to what I can do." He was silent for a moment, examining his scythe. "Though I've got to admit that Voldy was my first choice, as it would have been pretty ironic, you know? But in the end I decided against it. He's too whacked out for my liking. Rendering humans insane is one of my best hobbies. But he managed to do it to himself, so he is of no more importance to me. Pity."
It stared at the still unconscious Harry and cocked its head to one side, as someone would do when they were looking at some new test rats.
"So, Potter, what do you think I should do? Should I make you my personal servant?"
The figure put one hand to its ear, as if straining to hear something.
"Oh, is that a yes?" it asked delightedly. "Well, seeing as you're so thrilled about the idea, how could I possibly refuse you now ?"
The figure bent down and took proceeded to shake Harry's hand. It then stood up, and with one small movement of its scythe, the man was floating in mid air, his head lolling grotesquely. The cloaked figure was just about to make them both disappear when:
"LET GO OF MY SON, DEATH!" a woman's voice screeched, stopping it in its tracks.
Death wheeled around to see Lily Evans glaring at him. He shrugged.
"As you wish," it said simply, and Harry collapsed to the ground in a crumpled heap.
The glare Lily sported on her face intensified.
"What?" Death asked innocently, well, as innocently it could manage.
"That's not what I meant!"
"Oh, I know," it agreed, smirking, before turning serious. "Look human, I've got a job to do, so if you would kindly leave, I'd appreciate it."
"Oh, and leave Harry here with you, not a chance!"
"I'm beginning to see a pattern here, Evans," he stated, frustrated.
The woman had opened her mouth to answer when the forms of James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Albus Dumbledore apparated next to her, effectively interrupting her before she could speak. The one nearest to her, James, put an arm around her shoulders comfortingly.
"Really?!" Death threw up his arms in frustration.
"Is it true? Is he dead?" Remus asked, his face colorless.
"No, no, he's just visiting. Harry here is looking to purchase a new holiday home seeing as his last is no longer suited for him. What do you think?!" it snapped, its voice dripping with sarcasm.
Remus blushed in embarrassment.
"How?"
Death turned to Sirius, who had voiced the question.
"Suicide," it answered neutrally.
Lily, James, Sirius and Remus shared a sad, but knowing look. They slowly made their way to Harry. Lily knelt down next to Harry and lifted his head, so that it would be resting on her knees. She then started to run her hands in Harry's hair, her hands shaking slightly.
"He looks awful," James commented, gloomily.
"That's an understatement," Sirius added, sadly. "I'm sorry, this is all my fault. If I hadn't gotten myself locked up in Azkaban, then I could have made sure he led a happy life."
"Stop it Sirius!" James sighed. "You know very well that it's not your fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's Dumbledore's."
James turned to face Albus.
"I hope you're happy, Dumbledore. Your insufferable meddling caused this."
"It was for the Greater Good," Albus countered, not seeming apologetic at all.
"You son of a bitch," he growled. He tried to lunge at Albus, but he was prevented by Sirius and Remus, who had each grabbed hold of one of his arms. "You're the one who sent Harry to the Dursley's. Harry was nothing but a bloody pawn to you! He trusted you and all you ever did is betray him! You're nothing but a manipulative bastard!" he bellowed, breathing heavily.
"Things get hard when you're at war, James, you should know. Sacrifices have to be made."
"You sacrificed a child's life! No child's life should ever be sacrificed!"
"I wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice a child's life, if there was the slightest chance that it would save the Wizarding world!", Albus stated, his cool demeanor now gone. Anger was flashing in his eyes.
"Look I don't have all day, stop your petty quarreling so we can get down to business," Death interrupted, a sneer now on its face.
It was clear that James was reluctant to back down.
"It's pointless James," Remus told him. "The old man is too far gone to see the error of his ways."
The two men locked eyes for a moment, before James relented. Remus and Sirius let go of his arms.
"I think you should go, Dumbledore, you're not wanted here," James spat out angrily.
Albus looked like he was going to protest, when Death made him disappear abruptly by moving his scythe.
"So what will happen to Harry now?" Sirius questioned worriedly, once the initial shock of Death banishing the old Headmaster away had faded.
Death scoffed. "Same as everyone, Heaven or Hell. Though I would quite like to make him my personal servant."
"Oh no, Hell no!" cried Sirius. "There's no chance in hell we'd allow him to go with you!"
Death let out a little mad cackle, making them jump.
"Well I'm Death, so what I say goes," it announced, amusement shining in his eyes.
It received glares from the three men in response. Lily just smiled.
"Harry is still the Master of Death, so his word trumps yours," Lily asserted. "And I don't think he would willingly go with you, so that rules your option out."
Death looked disgruntled.
"Spoil my fun, why don't you," it grumbled.
Sirius eyes bugged out when he saw that Death was almost pouting. An awkward silence settled between them.
"I don't think Harry should go on," Lily confessed finally, breaking the silence.
"Why?" inquired Sirius.
"I don't think he's ready yet to join us, despite what he may think. He's never experienced how wonderful life can be. He's always been identified as the Boy-Who-Lived, and was expected to save the world, so he's never been a normal child. And after everything he's faced, I think he deserves a chance to lead a normal life."
James nodded in agreement.
"I agree with Lily, he's not ready yet. Because of Albus," he shot him an icy look, "he's frankly had a crap life. The only times he had a chance at happiness, it was cruelly snatched from him immediately afterwards. And because of that, he ended up committing suicide. Life has been nothing but unfair to him."
"You know if you send him back, he'll probably try end his life again within the first twenty-four hours," Death remarked, rolling its eyes.
"I know," James admitted, sadly. "But he deserves a chance to be happy."
Death huffed. "Clearly, the boy has clearly committed suicide to put an end to his misery, thinking he would be happier dead."
Lily shook her head sadly.
"Harry thinks he'll be happy here, but he won't be. He'll soon start to feel empty, like something is missing. He won't fully heal with only our help. He needs help from a different source."
"From who?"
Lily gave a knowing smile in response, but otherwise stayed silent. Death narrowed its eyes.
"Do you agree with us, Sirius?" He nodded. "And you Remus?"
Remus stayed quiet for a moment, thinking everything through.
"When you say that you want to send him back, do you mean now, or do you meant in the past or future?"
Lily and James shared a look, as if having a silent conversation. Then they both nodded at the same time.
"Anywhere is better than the time period he lives in at the moment," Lily declared. "Of course, we would prefer the past, as Harry we would have no idea what to expect in the future."
Death snorted. Everbody turned towards him, eyebrows raised.
"Is there a problem?" Lily inquired, coolly.
"Yeah, actually there is Evans. What makes you think that I'm willing to go out of my way to send Potter back in time?
"Because he's the Master of D-"
"Master of Death nothing!" it snapped. "The kid clearly wants to go on, and not to be sent back in time, so if I were to take account of that title, then I would have to listen to his demands, and his demands only." A smirk formed on its lips. "You're just going to have to convince me."
They all pondered on that thought for a while, each trying to find a way to get what they thought was best for Harry.
Sirius suddenly took a couple of steps so that he was next to Death. He then put an arm on its left shoulder, and winked, much to everyone's surprise.
"I'm sure we can figure out some type of arrangement," he said, in a seductive voice.
James choked on his own spit. Remus's jaw dropped open. Death and, surprisingly enough, Lily looked highly amused.
"Are you mad?!" James blurted out incredulously.
"Y-you can't be serious?!" spluttered Remus.
"That's my name," he answered, grinning.
James sighed irritably.
"You're unbelievable."
"What?"
"You mortals have an odd sense of humor," Death pointed out.
"One of our many qualities," Sirius agreed, wiggling his eyebrows. "Tell me, Death, do you find your job satisfying enough, or do you find yourself getting often bored with it?" It remained silent, but motioned him to continue. "If you were to sent Harry back in time, then Harry would most likely change a lot of things in the time-line, therefore the future itself. You would get a front row seat, and witness the becoming of the world in a whole new way. You would be able compare the two realities with each other. This is something I would find highly entertaining, if I were you."
Death mulled it over for a while, weighing the pros and cons of Sirius's suggestion.
"You've intrigued me, Black." it said after a while. "You have five minutes to say goodbye to the boy."
It then stepped away, giving them some privacy.
"That was almost Slytherin of you, Sirius." James told Sirius.
"You forget that I'm a Black," he responded with a mixture of amusement and disgust.
"Come on, we don't have a lot of time," Lily said urgently.
They all turned to Harry. Lily took out her wand and said a few incantations. A blue light shot out of her wand and enveloped them all. The three men glanced at her questioningly.
"When the time is right, Harry'll have access to this memory of us saying our goodbyes. It's the least we owe him," Lily explained.
They nodded in understanding. Remus went first, Sirius went after that. Then it came to James's turn. He knelt down, and placed a hand on his son's shoulder.
"I'm sorry, son. I know you think that you want to go on, but we know that's not what's best for you. You're going to experience some tough times, but I can assure you that in the end you'll find happiness. I hope that you'll be able to forgive us one day, Harry. Just remember that I'll always be proud of you, whatever you decide to do later on in life. I love you Harry."
He lightly squeezed his shoulder tears prickling his eyes. Lily who still had Harry's head on her knees, gave him a weak smile.
"Harry," she said, as she continued to run a hand in her son's hair. "Please don't give up yet, I promise you that what we're doing is in your best interest. It may seem like we're being unfair to you, but you'll thank us, later on. Life hasn't been fair to you Harry, but that's going to change. Everybody deserves a bit of happiness in their lives, even you, despite what you may think. You now have an opportunity to live away from all the fame and the expectations of others, so don't let it slip away. Be strong Harry. We love you no matter what. We'll see you soon, Harry."
"Time's up!" Death told them. "Stand back," he ordered.
Lily bent down and kissed Harry's forehead. She then lifted delicately his head and put it back on the ground. She stood up and back away slightly, as did everyone else.
"Goodbye Harry," Lily whispered, tearing up.
Death lifted up his scythe and Harry vanished once more.
A/N: Hey everyone! I hope that you enjoyed this first chapter of The Claws Of Depression. This was an idea I've had for a couple of months now, so I am pretty excited about it. I would be very happy if you left me a review, telling me what you thought of this chapter :).
Have a nice day, or evening :D.