Coffee, Ottsels and Hangovers
Author's Notes: Totaalisen perseet olalla is Finnish and means literally: ´Completely ass over shoulders` which means something like ´wasted` or ´piss drunk`
Disclaimer: I don't own Jak & Daxter. I do, however, own your sorry ass. That's right! I own you! Kind of a surprise, eh?
´´Jak! Wake up Jak!´´
´´Mhhmmpfhh... Wha- what's happening?`` the young elf tiredly asked his furry companion.
´´Jak, don't you remember? Today we're going to say goodbye to the Precursors!`` his two-and -a-half-feet-tall sidekick replied with a frown.
´´Sorry Dax, I guess I forgot... a bit... kinda... yeah.`` The eighteen-year-old elf answered tiredly.
´´How could you forget!!`` Daxter yelled and started to pummel Jak's chest with his tiny fists. ´´After all, they are just like me!`` Daxter said, with pride in his voice. After a while of Jak silently staring at him, Daxter couldn't restrain himself anymore and started jumping around in a small hyperactive victory dance and yelling on the top of his voice ´´Yahoooooo! I'm a Precursor! I'm a Precursor!!`` Just like he did back at the underground temple, at Spargus, after they had destroyed Erol, in the Freedom League transport and, ultimately in the Naughty Ottsel, pausing only to drink something and cuddling with Tess.
FLASHBACK
The ottsel's drunken slurring was interrupted by Torn who smacked the recently-turned-Precursor, sending him flying towards the other side of the bar, with the Freedom League Commander sending his infamous Death Glare rocketing towards the drunk ottsel. It did'nt seem to deter Daxter who quickly jumped up and yelled at Torn.
´´HEY! That's not the right way to treat a Precursor!`` Daxter yelled furiously.´´I could cast a curse on your sorry ass or teleport you to the Wasteland in the midst of a Marauder Fortress!``
´´Hmph. Would like to see you try.`` Torn replied with a slightly amused look on his face.
FLASHBACK END
´´Why do they have -yawn- to leave so early?`` Jak asked.
´´Well, they ain't leaving early. Just in the evening.`` Daxter replied.
´´Then why do we wake up so early then?!`` Jak asked, annoyed.
´´Shit, don'cha listen what my holy friends say? You're disrespecting the Precursors! We're going to all these flashy official thingies and banquets and stuff!``
Daxter's yelling was starting to get on Jak's nerves, having a hangover and whatnot. Therefore, his reply sounded very angry.
´´And you're being an outright pain in the ass!!`` Jak screamed. Suddenly he cooled down and started to wonder at something.
´´Daxter, how much have you slept?``
´´Not at all! And I'm feeling just f-f-f-fine!`` Daxter replied, shivering, and curling himself up in a corner mumbling something to himself.
´´Weird...`` Jak thought about this. Daxter had drunk WAY more than Jak, but still hadn't slept at all. His worst fears were confirmed when Daxter's mumbling could be heard clearer.
´´Need...Coffee...Caffeine...Glaargh...`` Daxter said, drooling.
´´Daxter! How many have i told you that you shouldn't drink coffee or anything with caffeine in it!`` Jak said, striding towards the orange mumbling almost-hero.
Daxter suddenly jumped up and screamed ´´COFFEEEEEEE!!! NEED COFFEE! DAXTER NEED COFFEE NAO!`` and ran towards the kitchen with unnatural speed. Jak ran after him, intent upon catching Daxter and to prevent any harm from being done.
Upon entering the kitchen our well-known über-hero saw Daxter throwing out everything that was inside Jak's food-stores, (including the shelves) screaming for caffeine.
´´CAFFEINE FOR ORANGE LIGHTNING, NAO!!!!`` Daxter finally found what he looked for; a bag of unground coffee beans. Just as Orange Lightning was about to eat the whole bag including it's contents, Jak leaped and grabbed the caffeine-addicted ottsel by the waist and tumbling to the floor together with the coffee-bag and the orange holy-ish ottsel.
´´Aagh! Jak! What happened?! I feel like shit!`` Daxter screamed.
´´Daxter, you are addicted to caffeine! You need help!`` Jakky-boy replied, concern apparent in his voice. He knew that caffeine in large amounts was dangerous to ottsels, from old experiences.
L8R
´´Jak, for how long have I been tied to this chair?`` the tiny ottsel asked because he was indeed tied to a chair, with a coffee-cup filled with steaming coffee in front of him.
´´8 minutes.`` the blonde-green-ish-haired elf said.
´´NOOOOOOO! I can't take this anymore!!`` the orange-backed wannabe-hero screamed.
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´´Err... Well, i feel cured!`` the ottsel said after a while, with a shifty look on his face.
´´Ok, I guess I'll let you free then. But remember, NO coffee drinking!`` Jak said gravely.
Daxter seemed to see a loophole in his plan and Jak, also seeing the loophole, quickly covered it up.
´´And NO devouring of other fluids/solids that include caffeine!``
´´NOOOOOOOO! I can't live without caffeine!``
´´Daxter, can you promise me that you won't devour anything that includes caffeine?``
´´Fine then, I won't.``
´´Good. Sign here.`` Jak said, magically producing a gigantic bunch of documents labelled ´Ottsel Resignation of the Privileges of Caffeine-Devouring` and a pencil in a blast of Light Eco.
´´Ok, ok.`` Daxter muttered, too grumpy to even notice Jak summoning the paper and pen.
Just as Daxter was about to sign the paper, Jak came rumbling into the room with a video camera, saying: ´´ Hold still, Dax``
´´By my sexy, furry, tiny, orange face, what are you going to do with that... thing?`` Daxter yelled, apparently not knowing that Jak held a video camera.
´´I'm going to film you signing the contract. Let's just see where I have my empty discs...`` Jak played one of the discs in the camera. Immediately, a movie filmed by Jak flicked into view. ´´Hey, this was when we defeated Kor!`` Daxter said excitedly.
Quicker than you could say ´Dark Eco Transformation` Jak had popped out the disc and replaced it with another. The image flicked into view, showing Jak having sex with Ashelin.
The real Jak had frozen into a sitting position, jaw dropping and left eyelid twitching whilst Daxter stared at the screen, slightly drooling as if enchanted by the movie.
´´What's my name?!`` the Jak in the screen screamed.
Before the Governess of Haven City had enough time to reply, Jak popped out the CD, threw the offending disc on the floor like it had insulted him personally. Which it couldn't do. Because it was a CD. Duh. Anyhow, after throwing the the poor disc of the floor, Jak proceeded to jump on it, screaming furiosly about the (now very broken-looking) optical disk's mother and certain parts of Krimzon Guard Death Bots that nobody had seen before, let alone known to exist. But, these stories about the CD's mother were undoubtedly false, since CD's don't have mothers. Because they're CD's. Duh. Jak seemed to realise that, and stopped jumping with a thoughtful smile on his face, then Jak started jumping even more, screaming obscene things about the machine the (now-dying) optical disk was made in, suddenly transforming into Dark Jak and blasting the b0rk3d optical disk to a beautiful place, a better place where optical discs and elves lived as one.
Sadly, Jak didn't know that ´Hell Hath No Fury Like a Optical Disc Scorned.` Things were going to heat up for Jak when he died. Srsly. Anyhow, Jak's fit of rage was over and Daxter started screaming at him.
´´Hey! Was THAT what you did when I was ´totaalisen perseet olalla` at the Naughty Ottsel?! You were humping Mrs. Boobtastic in the Palace! I would've worried myself sick if I wouldnt've been so piss drunk back then! Besides,``(insert sly and mischievous grin on Daxter's face here)´´ If you were so evil that you left your best friend back at the bar, scurrying off with some chick, you could at least have let me keep the disc!``(Daxter's grin is now very perverted)´´Shit, I would've sold it to the guys back at Freedom League Headquarters!``(Insert maniacal Ottsel cackling, coupled with a smile that any shrink would've labelled ´Complete Madman` and stuffed the owner of the smile into a padded cell) ´´Man, they would've paid me in Precursor Orbs just to get that disc! But I would've had it for some ´Private Use` first. I could've copied those discs and started selling them in the Naughty Ottsel! Think about it! ´Busty Governess of Haven City Humped by Rebel Hero`! I could show it in the cinemas! I'd be RICH!!! And then we'd make a sequel with The Daxtinator as the main character and director! We could have Ashelin, Tess and Keira in the movie! Think about it!``
´´NO!``
´´Why not? C'mon, you just move back and forth a bit on a soft mattress! It ain't so hard!``
´´I don't want to become a pornstar!``
´´Fine then! But don't come crying to me when I'm famous and you're NOT!`` Daxter yelled.
´´Wait! I might think about it!`` Jak cried desperately.
´´Really?!`` the ottsel sounded eager.
´´No.``
´´Argh. My dreams are crushed.``
´´Anyhow, we have to stop you from drinking coffee! Sign the paper.`` Jak said, pulling the camera out from his back pocket. He has BIG back pockets.
´´Now, the last, and empty, CD. Let's double-check.`` Jak popped the disc in. The image flickered to life, even if it shouldn't, since the disc was supposedly empty.
´´Hello, this is the Daxtinator! Im'a show you some new moves!`` Jak had frozen and Daxter felt like he needed to sink down to hell where Satan would poke him in the ass with a spear. Daxter(in the screen) started screaming on the top of his voice ´´I'm a Precursor!I'm a Precursor! I'm a Precursor! I'm a Precursor!`` over and over again, to the background music (cheap techno) for a whole hour. Daxter felt like he wanted to die and Jak thought he had a nightmare. After pinching himself, Jak slowly turned to Daxter and said ´´Daxter, I currently feel like my dark self has an irresistible urge to kill a small orange rodent in this room and my light self agrees to it.`` Jak's threats were cut off by Ashelin who explained to the Demolition Duo that they had already wasted enough time and told them to meet the Precursors at the Palace.
´Well, I didn't have to sign the contract, so I can drink coffee now!` Daxter thought happily.
TEH FUKKIGN EDN!!!111+12=123!! R CORRECTZ0RZ CALKULASHUNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!