Me? Own something? Are you high? Or are you Gilderoy Lockheart?
10 Things Lord V. Simply Must Do Before Being Vanquished By Harry Potter…
1. Get a nose job. Dude, the whole no nose thing, so last year. Doesn't everyone know that?
2. Get laid, not that I know anyone who would screw him without getting paid generously, and wearing a blindfold.
3. Get a hair transplant, 'cause no offence intended, but he looks like a shaved monkey's arse!
4. Change the name of his troupe. Come on the term 'Death Eater' is so lame! How can you even attempt to eat something that is not a physical thing? Why not something like masked troupers?
5. Get coloured contact lenses, the whole red eyes thing makes him look like he's a picture, taken with a shoddy camera, which suddenly became animate and 3D!
6. Have I mentioned the Masked Troupers (see #4) outfits! Now that is an outrage if I've ever seen one! So last century, and also so bulky that they must be hell to fight in, what with the restriction of leg movement and how heavy they must get when you're tired from a fight! Damn, but he needs to change that before he goes.
7. Have I yet mentioned that he needs to get some? I think I'll call Bellatrix, see if she could stomach fucking him…
8. Learn some obscure dead language, just so he can start bragging about that, rather than the whole parsletongue shit. Sorry, but that material is old and worn!
9. Get some gay loving man, you know you want it, and really bad. He could always call Pettigrew; Lord knows he's always willing.
10. Put some weight on, it's been everywhere in the media, dude… Anorexia is not cool!