How to survive in the Gotei 13
1. Don't piss of anyone who has black hair. (Unohana Retsu, Kuchiki Byakuya, Kuchiki Rukia, Zaraki Kenpachi, Ise Nanao, Soi Fong...)
2. Don't piss of anyone in general, if you don't want to be sliced to pieces.
3. If anyone pisses you of, slice him to pieces and then say it was a hollow attack.
4. Do your paperwork. Scary things happen to people who don't. And even if Matsumoto-fukutaicho survives this, you won't.
5. Be polite to higher ranks. Or be sliced to microscopic pieces.
6. Stay as far from the 11th and 12th division as you can. Or you will return as a completely different being.
7. If you can't, try to hide behind Unohana-taicho. Nobody opposes her.
8. Be nice to Ukitake-taicho. Or the whole Gotei will hunt you down.
9. Don't call Hitsugaya-taicho short. Even if he is. Frostbite is really unpleasant.
10. All people in the taicho-class are crazy. But don't tell them that. You will understand them as soon as you come near attaining Bankai. It somehow changes how the mind functions.
11. Don't drink sake with Matsumoto-fukutaicho. You will end up with alcohol poisoning.
12. Don't drink sake in general. It will make a lot of things easier. Like walking in a straight line.
13. Learn how to make tea. It is the coffee of Soul Society. Until they learn of coffee.
14. Bring your taichos gifts from the living world. Otherwise they will get unpleasent, because they have nothing to research.
15. Don't allow your subordinates to sleep. It will cause you to loose it.
16. To execute your own sister is no good idea. You will get attacked by teamakers.
17. If you want to have somebody loose his nerves, always have a smile for everyone. It actually helps.
18. Everyone will think of you as a good person as long as you mention justice and love every few sentences.
19. Learn how to do kido. It is usefull for playing pranks.
20. Learn shunpo. It is useful for escaping furious squadmembers.
21. your Zanpakutos name. You can brag about it to get to know new people.
22. Let the Sotaichou treat you like a child. You don't want to be treated like an adult by him, trust me.
23. Give Yachiru candy. There is no better life insurance.
24. Become a member of the SWA. You can actually decide something important as a member. It is also easier to annoy people.
25. Soi Fong-taicho likes cats. Make use of that without her noticing.
26. Unohana-taicho is scary. Rules number 1 and 2 apply to her even more then to other peoples.
That somehow came to life in a far abandoned corner of my mind. Behind a pair of not matching old socks.