The Prisoned Bird's Cry
written by lil missy aeyta
note: i wrote this in a journal. my first cc fic, i wrote it on the comp. it was only 4 kb and so i decided to extend and make it more descriptive. i did, and did one of my best jobs. but then, the comp froze before i could save it. and i left this file alone for along time, but now i realize, i must rewrite it, so here it is. i really liked the original rewrite, but alas, ill have to make do with this.
+++
Every once in a while, I think back to that one time when I went on a real adventure for the first time of my life. It was nothing like the play adventures where I went to Termina, wandering around the city as a little girl without a parent; or played at Lizard's Rock, poking fun at the Komodo Dragon Pups quite daringly. I was just a little girl from a small town who knew nothing about adventures, just about stupid little outings where I fought monsters that were extremely easy to beat. No, this was a real breathtaking, heartpounding adventure where the adrenaline in my blood pumped faster and faster when I knew I was taking a risk and just might not live to see tomorrow.
Honestly, I kind of like that rather than the boring old life of an ordinary country girl -- which is what I am. I wish my life was a long road with forks and twists, I guess that one adventure was my turn on this straight road.
I want my life to be full of excitement, I want to never know what happens in the future. I want it all to be slapped in my face, I want to get nervous and taste the coppery and metallic taste of real, pure, raw fear. I wanted to get better with fighting and be known as a great warrior.
I did not want to get settled down and didn't want to marry a nice man who would settle down for me, I wanted a daring man who couldn't stay still. I didn't want to become a stupid little housewife who does practically nothing but watch her children grow up.
My mother once told me that she felt happiest when I was born, that her heart lept with joy. I figured out now that I'm quite different from her, very much actually. She told me that once, like me, she wanted to go out on adventure, but realized that she was just a country girl who needed peace and a quiet life so she missed her oppurtunity. She says she doesn't regret it though.
I told her, if I was her, I'd regret it very much. But I knew that I was very much like her in many ways. The phrase "You are a country girl who needs peace, not adventure" has been pounded into my mind so much that that is all I think. I am alike to my mother, but different as well for I am much stronger, mentally.
Or so I thought.
I remember when I first met him, saw him talking to Riddel at Dario's grave, asking ever-so-politely for the Bellflower I picked at Fossil Canyon. I didn't love him then. I was just extremely awed by his demeanor -- with the sword at his waist, the sad and nice eyes, polite air, and scars that surely was a sign of a man with adventure in his life.
Especially those eyes. They were filled with real sadness, and I know this sounds crazy, but I want that. I wanted to feel some sadness so that I could heal myself in a strange way. I didn't want too much sadness but at least some, I don't want to be some ditzy country girl who is "innocent" and knows nothing about the world. No, I want to be stained. I want to be marked. I want to be... different.
Wishing I was something like him, I remembered handing the Bellflower carefully to him. In a strange way I felt honored by giving it to him, I know, I'm strange. Then, I remembered him joining our group, I was so pleased and excited for no real reason what-so-ever. I felt relieved as he faught beside me, glancing worriedly when I was hit by a strong blow. I felt honored to cure him when he was wounded, silently giving him words of good luck.
That adventure was the turning point of my life. I really thought that he was something and I really thought that that adventure was the adventure that I was receiving from God as a gift. I thought that that adventure was my purpose, to help others. But now, I realize that that adventure was just child's play if you compare it to other adventures that I wish I could take now.
After that adventure, I didn't miss Serge like I really expected. I really missed Glenn, I missed his smile, his words, his manner, his demeanor, his hair, his face, his voice, his eyes, his everything. I wanted him.
With me.
And then it had hit me, I was most definitely in love with Glenn. At first it was a simple like but then it had turned into an excruciating love, which after all, was and is much more than a simple country girl like me can handle. Still, a part of me wanted that adventure so bad, as well as him; while the other part remained simplistic, hoping to settle down with a nice hard-working man.
I hate my mother for that, why the fuck did she pound that into my mind? She knows I wanted adventure but she kept on pounding that notion into my mind, scolding me that I should get married soon. So I thought with her, I should get married soon, to a nice man who will settle down with me. Hopefully love me, but after all, love wasn't really important as long as the man can support you and treat you decent.
But, oh, I wanted him.
So all was going quite well until Glenn had started to find an interest in me; which, at first, was very hard to believe. Now my simple life was a complicated problem, thought it wasn't an adventure, it was complicated. I loved him but I needed to settle down. I grew up with those beliefs so they were now installed into me. How could a man like Glenn, settle down? That just didn't work so I just let life go on as if I was a person who had no clue what was going on. I knew Glenn would not make a move unless I gave him a sign.
Whenever we had those little get togethers that Riddel always so lovingly made, he would walk towards me with a smile and talk to me. We talked a lot about different things and I found myself missing him even more.
Even when I was with him, I just felt like I missed him. I don't know why. I just did, and it made me sad. It made me real sad to know that I couldn't have him because it just seemed so wrong. It just seemed so wrong. It would be a crime to make him settle down and it would be a crime if I went with him to adventures. "What would mother say?" was a thought that always came to mind. And my whole family that I have to take care of. They'd be worried. I couldn't risk that.
But, oh, I wanted to.
Glen always went on many adventures but they were always small. Not too big.
A few years after the "great" adventure, Glenn had decided to go on another adventure alone. It was a very big mission. And I missed him so much. Sometimes, I got very worried but I kept my faith in him, hoping he would come back to suddenly claim me.
But what was I talking about? He wouldn't claim me no matter how much I wanted him too, it made me sad. I wanted him to kiss me and I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to talk to him about ourselves.
So I waited. I waited for a few years for Glenn but he hadn't come back. His status was unknown. He had dissappeared.
Then there was Norris, Norris was ... nice, charming, liked me, and was everything Glenn was not. But, I wanted Glenn. During the three years that Glenn had left and dissappeared, I had becomed engaged to Norris though I was going against my own feelings.
... Glenn did not know.
I hate my mother for that, she was the real person who kept on insisting that we get married. She kept chiding to me, "You're getting old Leena, go get married."
And this hurt the most, Glenn had came back. My heart literally tore, I could've waited longer. I could've waited and claim him myself. And he'd be all mine. Just mine, no one else. Screw the world, I wanted to be selfish.
But I'm not allowed to be selfish. I'm just an "innocent" country girl who is ignorant of issues.
Fuck it, I have lots of issues. Pyschological issues. Mental issues. Love issues. But of course no one knows because no one asks. I don't even have a close best friend to pour my feelings out to. I only felt comfortable with Glenn.
Weeks after the engagement, Glenn came over to my house and talked to me. Me and Norris weren't married yet. We talked and I felt so happy, so happy, it felt as if it was an eternal bliss for a few seconds. I didn't want it to end. But at the same time my happiness exploded, my sadness got bigger as I realized I was already claimed and could never have Glenn unless I was extremely selfish.
But, I'm not allowed to be selfish.
Then he said something that changed everything. Glenn had asked me to go with him across the world. Live life like a never-ending adventure. This was my dream, I was a caged-up princess and he was my prince, my saviour. But there was Norris and I was supposed to love Norris. I was supposed to be happy and content with my small, sheltered, simple life with a nice man.
... But I wasn't.
I wanted so badly to run away with Glenn, adventure across the world and not give a damn about anything else. Especially Norris.
Why the fuck wasn't I happy? My mother said that this was the only way to be truly happy and no, I don't feel to happy. I don't really think so.
Oh, but still! My simple life was now an extraordinary complication. I wanted so badly to run away, live that life filled with danger and suspense. I wanted to laugh at the face of death, prepared to die any day. Never knowing what would happen to me, when I would die, and anything of that sort.
I wanted to run away with Glenn far, far, far away from Arni and live far, far, far away from Norris and my mother. Screw them. I didn't want anything but this. But Glenn. Yes.
Most of all, I wanted Glenn. And he wanted me.
Before I could say anything, words that did not belong to me came out of my mouth. It pained me. It pained me to tell him my heart belonged to another when he was the one who held my heart firmly. And it hurt him. I could see the hurt in his eyes though he tried so hard to hide it.
So I got married to Norris.
I hated the day that was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. It wasn't too peachy for me.
Glenn didn't go.
The last and only time I saw Glenn after that was on Serge's wedding, just two years after mine. Glenn glanced at me once, then avoided any contact with me after.
I never saw him since.
I think I'm crazy.
Now I am 42, and I have a beautiful daughter. Yesterday, I got a letter from Riddel.
Glenn had died three nights before, asking for me in his death.
I thought I was crazy, but now I know I am crazy.
Mother, do I seem happy to you now? Do I seem fucking happy? Or do I seem like a desperate woman who never found love.
It's not right. My mother was wrong. I wasn't the happiest when my daughter was born. I wasn't happiest with a peaceful and quiet background. I was happiest with Glenn, and whether or not that is a selfish feeling, that's what I feel.
Many nights after my marriage, I thought about Glenn. I dreamt about Glenn, fantasizing that I had said 'yes' instead of 'no.' I thought much about the day I had the chance to fly free and wild, and many times I wanted to go back and run away with Glenn.
I'm very disillusioned, I want to go back in time and love him again.
Yes, I'm crazy. I want him and I think of him all the time, he's all I think about. I live each day with him and I live each day burdoned with heavy regrets and selfishness.
I'm not selfish, but oh, I wanted to be.
So now here I am, finally having the courage to drown out this miserable, prisoned bird's cry.
+++
AUTHOR'S NOTE: yes, she commited suicide. ^_^ it's not as good as the original rewrite. but, fuck it. i wanted to finish this and i had to get around with it sometime. woo hoo. this is off my list now. :D
written by lil missy aeyta
note: i wrote this in a journal. my first cc fic, i wrote it on the comp. it was only 4 kb and so i decided to extend and make it more descriptive. i did, and did one of my best jobs. but then, the comp froze before i could save it. and i left this file alone for along time, but now i realize, i must rewrite it, so here it is. i really liked the original rewrite, but alas, ill have to make do with this.
+++
Every once in a while, I think back to that one time when I went on a real adventure for the first time of my life. It was nothing like the play adventures where I went to Termina, wandering around the city as a little girl without a parent; or played at Lizard's Rock, poking fun at the Komodo Dragon Pups quite daringly. I was just a little girl from a small town who knew nothing about adventures, just about stupid little outings where I fought monsters that were extremely easy to beat. No, this was a real breathtaking, heartpounding adventure where the adrenaline in my blood pumped faster and faster when I knew I was taking a risk and just might not live to see tomorrow.
Honestly, I kind of like that rather than the boring old life of an ordinary country girl -- which is what I am. I wish my life was a long road with forks and twists, I guess that one adventure was my turn on this straight road.
I want my life to be full of excitement, I want to never know what happens in the future. I want it all to be slapped in my face, I want to get nervous and taste the coppery and metallic taste of real, pure, raw fear. I wanted to get better with fighting and be known as a great warrior.
I did not want to get settled down and didn't want to marry a nice man who would settle down for me, I wanted a daring man who couldn't stay still. I didn't want to become a stupid little housewife who does practically nothing but watch her children grow up.
My mother once told me that she felt happiest when I was born, that her heart lept with joy. I figured out now that I'm quite different from her, very much actually. She told me that once, like me, she wanted to go out on adventure, but realized that she was just a country girl who needed peace and a quiet life so she missed her oppurtunity. She says she doesn't regret it though.
I told her, if I was her, I'd regret it very much. But I knew that I was very much like her in many ways. The phrase "You are a country girl who needs peace, not adventure" has been pounded into my mind so much that that is all I think. I am alike to my mother, but different as well for I am much stronger, mentally.
Or so I thought.
I remember when I first met him, saw him talking to Riddel at Dario's grave, asking ever-so-politely for the Bellflower I picked at Fossil Canyon. I didn't love him then. I was just extremely awed by his demeanor -- with the sword at his waist, the sad and nice eyes, polite air, and scars that surely was a sign of a man with adventure in his life.
Especially those eyes. They were filled with real sadness, and I know this sounds crazy, but I want that. I wanted to feel some sadness so that I could heal myself in a strange way. I didn't want too much sadness but at least some, I don't want to be some ditzy country girl who is "innocent" and knows nothing about the world. No, I want to be stained. I want to be marked. I want to be... different.
Wishing I was something like him, I remembered handing the Bellflower carefully to him. In a strange way I felt honored by giving it to him, I know, I'm strange. Then, I remembered him joining our group, I was so pleased and excited for no real reason what-so-ever. I felt relieved as he faught beside me, glancing worriedly when I was hit by a strong blow. I felt honored to cure him when he was wounded, silently giving him words of good luck.
That adventure was the turning point of my life. I really thought that he was something and I really thought that that adventure was the adventure that I was receiving from God as a gift. I thought that that adventure was my purpose, to help others. But now, I realize that that adventure was just child's play if you compare it to other adventures that I wish I could take now.
After that adventure, I didn't miss Serge like I really expected. I really missed Glenn, I missed his smile, his words, his manner, his demeanor, his hair, his face, his voice, his eyes, his everything. I wanted him.
With me.
And then it had hit me, I was most definitely in love with Glenn. At first it was a simple like but then it had turned into an excruciating love, which after all, was and is much more than a simple country girl like me can handle. Still, a part of me wanted that adventure so bad, as well as him; while the other part remained simplistic, hoping to settle down with a nice hard-working man.
I hate my mother for that, why the fuck did she pound that into my mind? She knows I wanted adventure but she kept on pounding that notion into my mind, scolding me that I should get married soon. So I thought with her, I should get married soon, to a nice man who will settle down with me. Hopefully love me, but after all, love wasn't really important as long as the man can support you and treat you decent.
But, oh, I wanted him.
So all was going quite well until Glenn had started to find an interest in me; which, at first, was very hard to believe. Now my simple life was a complicated problem, thought it wasn't an adventure, it was complicated. I loved him but I needed to settle down. I grew up with those beliefs so they were now installed into me. How could a man like Glenn, settle down? That just didn't work so I just let life go on as if I was a person who had no clue what was going on. I knew Glenn would not make a move unless I gave him a sign.
Whenever we had those little get togethers that Riddel always so lovingly made, he would walk towards me with a smile and talk to me. We talked a lot about different things and I found myself missing him even more.
Even when I was with him, I just felt like I missed him. I don't know why. I just did, and it made me sad. It made me real sad to know that I couldn't have him because it just seemed so wrong. It just seemed so wrong. It would be a crime to make him settle down and it would be a crime if I went with him to adventures. "What would mother say?" was a thought that always came to mind. And my whole family that I have to take care of. They'd be worried. I couldn't risk that.
But, oh, I wanted to.
Glen always went on many adventures but they were always small. Not too big.
A few years after the "great" adventure, Glenn had decided to go on another adventure alone. It was a very big mission. And I missed him so much. Sometimes, I got very worried but I kept my faith in him, hoping he would come back to suddenly claim me.
But what was I talking about? He wouldn't claim me no matter how much I wanted him too, it made me sad. I wanted him to kiss me and I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to talk to him about ourselves.
So I waited. I waited for a few years for Glenn but he hadn't come back. His status was unknown. He had dissappeared.
Then there was Norris, Norris was ... nice, charming, liked me, and was everything Glenn was not. But, I wanted Glenn. During the three years that Glenn had left and dissappeared, I had becomed engaged to Norris though I was going against my own feelings.
... Glenn did not know.
I hate my mother for that, she was the real person who kept on insisting that we get married. She kept chiding to me, "You're getting old Leena, go get married."
And this hurt the most, Glenn had came back. My heart literally tore, I could've waited longer. I could've waited and claim him myself. And he'd be all mine. Just mine, no one else. Screw the world, I wanted to be selfish.
But I'm not allowed to be selfish. I'm just an "innocent" country girl who is ignorant of issues.
Fuck it, I have lots of issues. Pyschological issues. Mental issues. Love issues. But of course no one knows because no one asks. I don't even have a close best friend to pour my feelings out to. I only felt comfortable with Glenn.
Weeks after the engagement, Glenn came over to my house and talked to me. Me and Norris weren't married yet. We talked and I felt so happy, so happy, it felt as if it was an eternal bliss for a few seconds. I didn't want it to end. But at the same time my happiness exploded, my sadness got bigger as I realized I was already claimed and could never have Glenn unless I was extremely selfish.
But, I'm not allowed to be selfish.
Then he said something that changed everything. Glenn had asked me to go with him across the world. Live life like a never-ending adventure. This was my dream, I was a caged-up princess and he was my prince, my saviour. But there was Norris and I was supposed to love Norris. I was supposed to be happy and content with my small, sheltered, simple life with a nice man.
... But I wasn't.
I wanted so badly to run away with Glenn, adventure across the world and not give a damn about anything else. Especially Norris.
Why the fuck wasn't I happy? My mother said that this was the only way to be truly happy and no, I don't feel to happy. I don't really think so.
Oh, but still! My simple life was now an extraordinary complication. I wanted so badly to run away, live that life filled with danger and suspense. I wanted to laugh at the face of death, prepared to die any day. Never knowing what would happen to me, when I would die, and anything of that sort.
I wanted to run away with Glenn far, far, far away from Arni and live far, far, far away from Norris and my mother. Screw them. I didn't want anything but this. But Glenn. Yes.
Most of all, I wanted Glenn. And he wanted me.
Before I could say anything, words that did not belong to me came out of my mouth. It pained me. It pained me to tell him my heart belonged to another when he was the one who held my heart firmly. And it hurt him. I could see the hurt in his eyes though he tried so hard to hide it.
So I got married to Norris.
I hated the day that was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. It wasn't too peachy for me.
Glenn didn't go.
The last and only time I saw Glenn after that was on Serge's wedding, just two years after mine. Glenn glanced at me once, then avoided any contact with me after.
I never saw him since.
I think I'm crazy.
Now I am 42, and I have a beautiful daughter. Yesterday, I got a letter from Riddel.
Glenn had died three nights before, asking for me in his death.
I thought I was crazy, but now I know I am crazy.
Mother, do I seem happy to you now? Do I seem fucking happy? Or do I seem like a desperate woman who never found love.
It's not right. My mother was wrong. I wasn't the happiest when my daughter was born. I wasn't happiest with a peaceful and quiet background. I was happiest with Glenn, and whether or not that is a selfish feeling, that's what I feel.
Many nights after my marriage, I thought about Glenn. I dreamt about Glenn, fantasizing that I had said 'yes' instead of 'no.' I thought much about the day I had the chance to fly free and wild, and many times I wanted to go back and run away with Glenn.
I'm very disillusioned, I want to go back in time and love him again.
Yes, I'm crazy. I want him and I think of him all the time, he's all I think about. I live each day with him and I live each day burdoned with heavy regrets and selfishness.
I'm not selfish, but oh, I wanted to be.
So now here I am, finally having the courage to drown out this miserable, prisoned bird's cry.
+++
AUTHOR'S NOTE: yes, she commited suicide. ^_^ it's not as good as the original rewrite. but, fuck it. i wanted to finish this and i had to get around with it sometime. woo hoo. this is off my list now. :D