.
.
Uzumaki Naruto was feeling awesome! The sun was shining! He had Ichiraku Ramen for lunch! Everything was great, dattebayo!
There was a sound. Naruto stopped, confused. "Huh?"
He looked down the street: nothing but street vendors and and a few men on bicycles. He looked behind him and saw the washing women carrying the laundry down the street.
Naruto furrowed his eyebrows and kept on walking.
Another sound. Naruto stopped again. "I see you, dattebayo!"
A gasp; something rattled. "S-sorry." Hinata crouched, shame-faced, behind a street-sign. "Ano...I, I wasn't following you, I just...I just got distracted and...and I suppose I just lost my way...."
"Ah, Hinata, you're always so weird!" Naruto said. He grinned. "Ichiraku Ramen's having a two for one special and I just had my lunch! Isn't that great?"'
"I...y-yes. I..." Hinata suddenly looked sick. "Ano, I'm sorry. I have to go," Hinata said, and she disappeared down the street.
Naruto frowned. Hinata was always weird.
xXx
.
Sakura wasn't around to talk to, but Sai was, and even though Sai was kind of a jerk, Naruto was having a good day, so he thought, why not, let's talk to Sai. So Naruto sat with Sai as Sai drew with his little colored pencils, squatting by the river and skipping stones on the water. "Hey Sai, drawing more stick figures, dattebayo?"
"I am working on my landscape drawing," Sai said. Naruto peered over Sai's shoulder. Blue and green swirls without any discernible pattern filled the page. "I don't get it," Naruto said.
Sai smiled his fake smile. "I don't get it either, actually." He pulled out the paper and rolled it up. "I was going to title it, 'Untitled: for the Hag.' I think she would enjoy it."
"Ano sa, ano sa, I don't think Sakura-chan likes it when you call her The Hag." Naruto squatted on his haunches as Sai daintily started to put his pens away.
"I am starting to think Sakura is displeased with me," Sai said. His fake smile was gone. "I told her I enjoyed her gay hair, and she tried to punch me! But her hair is gay," Sai said, and he frowned a little. "Pink is a very gay color. Very vibrant. I only meant to say it made me cheerful."
"Girls are weird," Naruto said.
Sai and Naruto sat without saying anything. Naruto skipped another rock. "Hinata's been really weird, lately, dattebayo. I think she might have asthma."
"Asthma?" Sai said.
"She's always really wheezy and her face gets all red," Naruto said. Sai shook his head, deep in thought.
"Hinata is sad because nobody likes her," Sai said.
"Wha--?" Naruto's eyes boggled. "Everyone should like Hinata! Hinata is pretty! She's almost as pretty as Sakura, dattebayo!"
"I read it in my books," Sai said. "Her facial expressions clearly show disappointment. See?" Sai sketched a quick face on the ground.
"Disappointment?" Naruto was confused. "Why's she got to be disappointed?"
They contemplated a moment. Someone snorted. It was Ino. She was carrying a basket of flowers in her hand - new cuttings for her parents' flower shop.
"Just what do you two think you're doing?" Ino said. Ino-chan always looked angry but Naruto could never figure out why.
"We were talking about how Hinata is weird," Sai said.
"Baka, Hinata's not weird. Hinata's in love. Too bad the guy she likes so much is too much of an idiot to notice," Ino said.
"Hinata?" Naruto stared. "In...in love?"
Sai looked confused. "With whom?" Sai said.
"Take a guess," Ino said.
"Someone powerful?" Sai asked.
"Ha!" Ino said. Sai and Naruto exchanged looks.
At that moment, across the river, they saw the Suna entourage walking solemnly by the riverbank. Gaara had been visiting Suna for the last week or so as Kazekage, more out of a diplomatic courtesy more than anything. Today he was to visit the Hyuuga and meet with the Head family. Naruto blinked.
"Gaara?" Naruto said.
"Oh my God, you really are an idiot!" Ino said.
Naruto and Sai stared.
xXx
.
Hinata was sitting at the training field, touching the tips of her fingers together and staring shame-faced at the ground. Sai took out his pocket book and flipped through the pages.
"This expression means 'uncertainty,'" Sai said. He pressed a finger to the page.
"Uncertainty." Naruto furrowed. "Well what the hell has she got to be uncertain for?! She's elite, she's got the Byakugan, she's pretty and smart and whatever teme is too stupid to know it should have my fist up his ass! DATTEBAYO!"
Sai cocked his head. "Are you proposing fighting Gaara?" Sai asked.
"No." Naruto slunk back, crossing his arms sullenly. "But why can't she just go up and say something to him? Why's she got to be so scared? Someone needs to help her, dattebayo."
"Maybe she doesn't want help," Sai said. "Just the other day, I tried to help Sakura with her flat chest, but it only made her angry."
"Baka, Hinata doesn't have a flat chest," Naruto said. His eyes narrowed.
To his right, Hinata-chan was sitting by the tree, face red and blushing at the ground. To his left, Gaara and his entourage were talking quietly, the wind stirring gently and a little trail of sand swirling at their feet. Naruto tightened his hand into a fist.
"Hinata is sad because nobody wants to date her! But she could have any guy she wanted. She's pretty and smart and I'M gonna be the one to help her get Gaara. Hinata deserves it. Gaara deserves it. They deserve to be happy, dattebayo!"
xXx
.
The campaign would be a stealth one, ninja-style, dattebayo.
Naruto would use all his moves in his ninja campaign: he would use his kage bunshin to drag Gaara toward Hinata if he had to! Plus he had Sai, with all of Sai's relationship manuals, so he could help Gaara overcome his lack of social skills. It was perfect! Perfect! Mission Hinata Gaara sexy-no-jutsu was underway!
The campaign didn't go as smoothly as Naruto hoped.
"Gaara! You owe me! Hinata is the prettiest shinobi in Konoha, you have to go out with her, dattebayo!" Naruto said.
"Tch. His schedule is busy," Temari said. "Not that he has time to fraternize with the likes of you."
"Temari..." Gaara's eyes narrowed. Temari pulled back, glaring.
"Why are you wasting our Kazekage's time?" Temari said.
"I'm not wasting his time! He's the Kazekage but he's still human, dattebayo."
"But how can she be in love with Gaara? She doesn't even know him," Temari said. "Let's not forget that she seems to go completely red whenever you're around. How can you be sure?"
"Because, because....because Sai studies human relationships!" Naruto said. "Sai! Show them your book!"
"Enough," Gaara said. Temari and Naruto turned. "Naruto. For the sake of our friendship, I will meet your Hinata. She is the daughter of Hyuuga Hiashi, after all."
"Hmph." Naruto gave a look to Temari. "See? I told you he would, dattebayo."
Behind the three of them, Sai sat with his legs crossed, his face arranged in a half-puzzled frown.
xXx
.
Hinata was walking staring at the ground, when Naruto managed to catch up behind her. "Hey Hinata!" Naruto said.
Hinata walked faster. Obviously she didn't hear.
"Hinata! Hinata--eh?" Naruto blinked, confused. "How come you look sick?"
"Ano...I'm not..." Hinata looked like she was gonna have an asthma attack.
"I know what will make you feel better!" Naruto said. "Guess who got dinner for two, at our own Ichiraku Ramen?"
"Eto..." Hinata's eyes widened. A blush spread across her cheeks.
"Hai! Dinner with Gaara! The Kazekage himself, dattebayo," Naruto said.
Hinata deflated quickly like a popped balloon.
"Eh?" Naruto blinked. "Hinata? Hinata-chan? What's wrong?"
"Ano...I...Naruto-kun...?" Hinata looked stricken. Naruto grinned, then clapped her on the back, hard.
"Don't be nervous, Hianta-chan!" Naruto said. "Gaara!" Naruto yelled. "Hey Gaara! I don't care if you're the Kazekage, you OWE me!"
Naruto shot a Significant Look at Gaara, who had been standing silently behind them for the last few minutes: he looked about as enthusiastic about the whole deal as Hinata looked like she was going to have a heart attack. He stepped out from the shadows, his face a perfect mask.
"Gaara! Meet Hinata! Hinata! Gaara! But you already know him, right?" Naruto winked and grinned and put his hands on his hips, hero-style. "See see see? The prettiest shinobi in the world with the Suna's own KAZEKAGE! But that's no big deal, cuz you're both standing next to the future HOKAGE, DATTEBAYO."
"Ano...I...I don't feel so good," Hinata said. Gaara stared, unblinking.
Naruto grinned. "Don't worry, Hinata!" Naruto said. "Gaara's really nice! Like a kitten! Right Gaara?"
Gaara's eyes narrowed. Hinata looked terrified.
Naruto frowned. "Hinata! Stop being stupid and go out with him! You know you like him, dattebayo!"
"I...I..."
Gaara turned on his heel, a trail of sand kicking up behind him. Naruto whirled around. "G-gaara! Wait! She's just nervous, dattebayo!" Naruto said. He turned around again and saw Hinata running for the hills. "Hinata! Wait! Just a second--"
And there it was: laughter. Low and throaty and coming out of Ino's throat. "God you really are an idiot!" Ino said. Naruto glared.
"Just you wait, you wait and see," Naruto said. "I'm going to get Hinata her boyfriend, dattebayo."
xXx
.
After much hand-wringing, begging, pleading, and a promise to not leave Hinata's side, Hinata reluctantly agreed to dinner with Gaara, provided that Naruto come too.
Nobody said anything. In fact, they positioned themselves at the bar so that Naruto was squarely in the middle, Hinata playing with her chopsticks and Gaara opting not to eat. "It's two for one," Gaara said. He pushed Naruto his bowl. "Have mine."
This wasn't working. Naruto glanced at Hinata, whose blush had gone nuclear and was radiating down her neck.
"So! Hinata thinks you're a handsome man! Especially since you're the Kazekage, dattebayo!" Naruto said.
More silence. Hinata pushed her chopsticks.
"The weather is nice," Gaara said, finally.
"Hai," Hinata said.
Gaara stared at the napkin in his hand.
"Ano sa, ano sa! Gaara! Don't you have anything better to say? You're the KAGE! Oh, I know! Hinata! Gaara never sleeps! Which could be a good thing--" Naruto nudged her on the ribs. "On his wedding night! Ha ha ha!"
Naruto couldn't help it. Long silences made him nervous. Hinata reddened harder.
"Baka, he sleeps a little bit now, especially with his bijou gone," Temari said. (Temari had also tagged along as Gaara's bodyguard; until now she had dutifully kept her mouth shut, sitting in a corner and sipping a glass of water).
"Gaara. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," Naruto said.
"It's fine." Gaara stood. "I should be getting back, anyway."
Hinata flushed. She pressed the tips of her fingers together.
xXx
.
Today was not a great day. Today actually SUCKED.
Naruto patted Hinata on the arm. "I'll help you get him, dattebayo," Naruto said. Hinata shook her head.
"Naruto-kun...." Hinata looked stricken. "I...I wanted to tell you, but..." she swallowed, hard. "I don't have feelings for the Kazekage."
Naruto blinked. "You don't?"
"Ano...no."
Well this was a new development. Naruto gaped a little bit, not really sure what to say, when the little bell to the door tinkled softly. Chouji walked in and waved. "Oy, Naruto..."
Hinata was blushing.
OH!!
Naruto's mind turned somersaults. That was it! Ino said Hinata liked someone powerful, and Chouji was WAY powerful, dattebayo! Naruto's chest swelled.
Hinata was shy, but Chouji was even shyer! They were perfect together! DATTEBAYO!!
xXx
.
"Naruto, I don't think you should be telling Chouji that," Shikamaru said.
Sai and Naruto were sitting on their knees, watching as Shikamaru stared up into the clouds. "I'm just saying, it's troublesome, all this talk about girls and none of it is verified. All you'll do is get his hopes up for nothing," Shikamaru said. Naruto shook his hand in Shikamaru's face.
"Teme! Chouji is a GREAT guy! What makes you think Hinata wouldn't go out with him, dattebayo?"
"Tch. I'm not saying Chouji isn't a great guy, I'm saying feelings can get hurt, especially when it comes to things like this," Shikamaru said.
"Whose feelings can get hurt?" Chouji asked. He ambled slowly behind them, reaching for a bag of potato chips.
"Yours," Sai said, smiling.
Chouji frowned. "What?"
"Don't listen to them, Chouji, let's go," Shikamaru said.
"Wait, I want to know what they're saying," Chouji said. Shikamaru gave a long suffering sigh and sat back down.
xXx
.
Unlike Gaara, Chouji was a little more enthusiastic about his meeting with Hinata. He and Naruto went to Ino's flowershop and picked out a bunch of wild flowers, expertly tied with a pink ribbon and delicately wrapped in crinkly paper. "Oy oy oy, Chouji, you're such a ladies' man, dattebayo!" Naruto said. Chouji blushed.
"This is gonna turn out bad," Ino said to Sai. Sai shrugged, elegantly. Meanwhile Shikamaru followed them both and glared.
They met Hinata at the training grounds, Chouji with the flowers behind his back and wearing a happy grin. "Hinata-chan," Chouji said, and he waved the flowers in the air. "Look what I got you!"
Hinata stopped. "Ano...what?" Hinata blinked. "For me?"
"A beautiful flower for a beautiful flower, dattebayo!" Naruto grinned, and pushed Chouji forward.
"Uh, Hinata," Chouji said, and he rubbed his head.
"Say it!" Naruto said.
"Hinata, I..."
"Do it, do it, dattebayo!"
"I-think-you're-really-pretty," Chouji said. The words came out in a rush. Chouji flushed red; Naruto could see his palms begin to sweat. Hinata could see it too, because her face reddened and she took a step back.
"Ano...what?" Hinata stared. "Me? Wh-what?"
"Chouji thinks you're pretty and I'm helping him court you, dattebayo!" Naruto said.
"Oy, this is bad," Shikamaru mumbled. Sai kept smiling. Hinata looked mortified.
"I...I..."
Hinata fumbled. "I'm sorry," Hinata said, and she pushed past them, running away.
xXx
.
Chouji sat on the bleachers, sniffling softly and eating from a paper bag. "Naruto I told you," Shikamaru said.
"I didn't know!" Naruto said.
"I told you not to meddle and look what you've done!" Shikamaru said. A tear wobbled by Chouji's eye.
"Chouji! Don't listen to them! You'll find someone else. Believe me. Girls are troublesome anyway," Shikamaru said.
The tear slipped. Chouji's chin quivered. "Is it because I'm..."
His hand tore through the paper bag with force; Naruto and Sai watched, slightly horrified.
"You're not," Shikamaru said. "You're big-boned and muscular, and you're stronger than any of these guys here. She's just too stupid to know that."
Oy. Naruto felt bad. Really bad. In the span of two days he managed to insult Gaara and wreck Chouji's self-esteem. How was he going to be the Hokage when all he did was make people miserable?
Naruto's fist tightened. Chouji was his friend! And Naruto had embarrassed him! Setting him up, telling him Hinata liked him when it turned out she didn't, dattebayo. He's so stupid!
Naruto stood up, clenching his fists. "Chouji! You shouldn't feel bad! Hinata's stupid for not liking you!" Naruto said.
Chouji said nothing, and it made Naruto feel worse. "I'll get you Hinata, Chouji! I'll get her to like you! I'll get you a girlfriend if it kills me, because I'M going to be the future Hokage and I NEVER go back on a promise to a friend!"
Shikamaru stared at him, levelly. "Have you ever considered Chouji wouldn't want someone you'd have to force to be with him?" Shikamaru said. Naruto raged.
"Hinata doesn't know him! She just knows him as that guy who eats a lot! Once she knows you like I do she'll HAVE to love you! Right, Chouji?"
Chouji answered by crying into his bag of potato chips.
It was time to move onto a different plan.
xXx
.
"Hinata!" Naruto said. He chased Hinata down the street. "Hinata! Oy, Hinata!"
Hinata started walking faster. Naruto jumped in front of her, nearly knocking her over.
"Naruto-kun!" Hinata's eyes widened. "Please...please I...I have to go."
"You have to go out with Chouji!" Naruto said.
"But--"
"Chouji is a great guy! He's strong and nice and he's shyer than you are, dattebayo!"
"Ano, Naruto--"
"What?" Naruto said. "Give me one good reason not to go out with Chouji! His feelings are hurt, dattebayo!"
"Naruto," Neji said.
Naruto and Hinata turned; Neji was glaring at them, hard. "Naruto-kun, why are you picking on Hinata? Haven't you done enough?"
Without another word, Neji grabbed Hinata by the arm and yanked her into the Hyuuga compound.
Naruto stared. So that's it.
Naruto's fist tightened. Hinata was in love with Neji.
He would make things right, dattebayo.
xXx
.
Here were the facts, as Naruto understood:
Hinata was in love. Probably with Neji.
Chouji was in love. But Neji was his competition.
It was just like Sasuke and Sakura all over again!
Chouji didn't stand a chance against Neji.
"I'm going to help Chouji!" Naruto said to Sai.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes.
xXx
.
If Naruto regretted one thing, it was not remembering that it's impossible to ambush Hyuuga Neji.
Three akke Rokujūyon Shō attacks and two Hakkeshō Kaiten spins later, Naruto found himself lying flat on his ass, thorough beaten with Neji glaring down at him.
"Baka," Neji said, and he kicked the dirt in Naruto's face.
Teme. How could Hinata love him? How?!
The girls always went after the cool guys, dattebayo.
xXx
.
Naruto was walking down the street, kicking a few rocks and sulking, when he saw a dark shape walking behind him. "You are wounded," Gaara said.
"What do you know about it, dattebayo?"
Gaara cocked his head, curiously. "I know enough to avoid it," Gaara said. Naruto glared.
"Just because you're a kage, and you've got a bunch of sand around your face, dattebayo...."
"Do you want to talk?" Gaara said.
The wind stirred a little. Maybe Gaara would be able to help him. At least better than Sai has, anyway.
xXx
.
Naruto climbed the roof and sat next to him. "So?" Gaara asked.
"So...what?"
"Your friend," Gaara said. "Have you helped her, yet?"
"Don't ask me about that," Naruto said. He took a kunai and dug it into the roof. "She's in love with Neji," Naruto said. "All the cool guys. Chouji doesn't have a chance."
"Chouji?"
Gaara cocked his head. Naruto blew the hair out of his face. "Oy, Chouji. Big-boned Chouji. But Hinata likes Neji, and Neji's an ass, and Hinata would be better with Chouji, but--"
"Naruto," Gaara said. "Have you ever considered that maybe the person the Hyuuga girl likes is you?"
"I...huh?" Naruto blinked. "Me?"
"Yes," Gaara said. "You."
Naruto was confused. He blinked once, twice, then grinned. "Gaara, Gaara," Naruto said. "You're such a kidder, dattebayo!"
"I'm not kidding," Gaara said.
Naruto was still confused.
xXx
.
Sai took it upon himself to diagram their relationship. "It helps me if I have a visual," Sai said, and in swift strokes he drew Naruto's name. "Hinata is in love with you, but you're in love with Sakura-chan. But Sakura is in love with Sasuke," Sai said. His paintbrush flashed in thick bold strokes. Sai rocked back on his haunches, satisfied. It looked like this:
HINATA -- NARUTO -- SAKURA --- SASUKE
"It's also safe to assume Chouji likes Hinata," Sai said, and he drew in Chouji's name with a flourish:
CHOUJI -- HINATA -- NARUTO-- SAKURA -- SASUKE.
"Nobody likes Chouji," Sai said. Naruto's eyebrow twitched.
"Teme! Hinata's not in love with me! She's just weird!" Naruto said.
"But--"
"Chouji wants Hinata and he's my friend, and Sakura-chan--"
"You guys are so stupid," Ino said.
Sai and Naruto looked up. Ino always seemed to pop up at the most random times. It was getting really annoying. "Chouji is as sexual as a plant, and Hinata practically spelled it out for you the last time, didn't she even say she loved you, once? But no, you were too stupid and too caught up with Sasuke that I don't think you even noticed. Actually, maybe you should end up with Sasuke," Ino mused. "At any rate, it would piss Sakura off."
Naruto brightened. "Sakura would be jealous?" Naruto said.
"Because you'd be with Sasuke, idiot," Ino said.
"Oh."
Ino snorted. "And what the hell are you doing, taking relationship advice from Sai?" Ino said.
"Ino-pig has a point," Sai said.
"Wh-what?" Naruto said.
Sai smiled. "I don't know anything about relationships!" Sai said. Naruto hung his head.
"So...so Hinata-chan likes me?" Naruto said.
"Duh," Ino said.
Naruto fidgeted. "Really?"
"Tch. Yes, really, that's what I've been trying to tell you."
That's all it took for Naruto to leap out of there in a single bound. He had to find Hinata, dattebayo!
xXx
.
Hyuuga Hinata was no Sakura. But Hinata was always good to him. Kind, sweet, funny, a little weird and way too red, but apparently that was because she liked him.
But Chouji was his friend! And Naruto loved Sakura!
Naruto would make things right. Naruto would figure this out somehow.
"Hinata!" Naruto said. "Hinata! Hinata!"
He saw them, and skidded to a full stop when he did.
Hinata was kissing Chouji under the tree.
xXx
.
As it turned out, Naruto's impromptu speech outside the Hyuuga compound so shamed Hinata that she sought out Chouji to apologize. From there it lead to Chouji confessing his insecurities, Hinata confessing her own, and then BAM! Sharing kisses and holding hands, dattebayo!
Hinata was red. Chouji was red, too.
xXx
.
"They really make a cute couple, don't they?" Ino said. Chouji and Hinata were leaving the flower shop; they had just bought a dozen peonies that Hinata was going to dry out and press. ("Ano...they're more fragrant that way," Hinata said.) Sai leaned against the counter and frowned.
"I still do not understand the nature of their relationship," Sai said.
"As long as they're happy, it's fine," Ino said. She clipped the stems and arranged the flowers in a vase, humming to herself.
Naruto didn't feel happy, though. Naruto couldn't place it, but something was gnawing at him. Like when the Kyuubi does when he's upset. "Naruto?" Ino said.
"What?" Naruto said.
Ino's eyes narrowed like a cat's. "You're jealous," Ino said.
"I am not!" Naruto said.
"Uh huh," Ino said.
"I--just SHUT UP, Ino! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! DATTEBAYO!"
"Nobody likes Naruto," Sai said, solemnly.
Today was not a very good day.
A/N: Someone made a comment that Naruto would SO be better off if Gaara were his BFF, so that totally influenced this fic. Also, I didn't start out shipping Chouji/Hinata, but dude, now I'm totally digging it. LOL. Oops :)