Disclaimer: Anorexia, bulimia, self-harming and depression. If these are hard topics for you I highly recommend you not to read it. Besides, English is not my mother tongue so misspellings and grammatical errors may appear. Hope you like it anyway! (This goes to my friend Jess bc it was her birthday today. Love you, pal 3)
"Woah, Lucy" Happy shouted "Are you seriously going to eat all this food? You're so fatty!" He flew all over the guild, making our comrades laugh while Natsu devoured a huge chicken leg without even paying attention to his surroundings. "Stupid cat!" I shouted back, more as a habit than I was listening to what he was saying now. I looked down to the jam sandwich I was about to eat with my strawberry milkshake and quickly pushed it away. "Is anything wrong, Lucy?" Natsu asked with full mouth when I left the money of my –still– entire food on the counter and got up. "I'm just heading home, I don't feel really well today. See you later." I lied and left the hall with his concerned look right in my nape.
"What the hell just happened in there." I undressed while hot water filled my tub. I didn't even know why that cat's comments affected me today because usually I just want to pull out his whiskers and send him to the moon. But now…
I looked at my reflection on the mirror and well, maybe he isn't that wrong, is he? My hips are a little bit width in excess and my inner thighs almost touch themselves but I'm not that fat, no? I squeezed my tummy skin and stretched it, pinching the fat, trying to remove it from my body, but it seemed to be more and more each time. I forced myself to stop and look away, but my reflection showed me a double chin I didn't remember I had before and my now wet eyes.
I ran out of the bathroom and looked for my scale under my desk. Those green numbers changing made the wait a living hell until an irrefutable 120 appeared. 120! Since when do I weigh 120 pounds? Well, I remember eating too much last mission because we got the full reward… –but 120!? What did I weigh last time? I don't even remember the last time I got on a scale for god's sake.
"Okay, relax Lucy" I exhaled as I walked back to the bathroom. "These are only a few extra pounds, little days watching my diet and eating less will be enough, right?"
"Easy thing" I repeated to myself while I laid down in my tub, where my tears disappeared into the now cold water.
[…]
It was Sunday and the entire guild came to the beach for celebrating Alzac and Bisca's seventh marriage anniversary. I sat near Mirajane and helped her placing the food all over the enormous beach towels.
"Why aren't you playing with Natsu, Happy and Asuka? I think they're calling for you" She smiled to me and handed me another tray with food from the basket. Mirajane was right, Natsu and the others have been calling me since I put my feet on the sand.
"To be honest, I don't feel like going to the water right now, maybe later Mira" I lied and smiled -the truth is that I didn't want to take my dress off and allow people to stare at my flabby stomach. Not until I lose some weigh.
Soon all my guildmates were back on the sand ready to eat the tasty food Mira brought, but looking at their starving looks made me sick. When Natsu swallowed an entire burger I thought I was going to vomit. I had to get out of there urgently. I got up so the ones who were close to me noticed –even Natsu had an ear on me. "What's up, Lucy?" Happy asked, still chewing his fried fish. "Is anything wrong?" Said Gray now, so Juvia payed attention, too. I denied but all their attention made me nervous. Think of an excuse, Lucy, now!
"I'm just cold" I said. Brilliant, Lucy, cold with 100 fucking degrees you genius. "I mean, I forgot to bring a jacket with me and it'll cool down later, so…" I tried to make amends but nobody seemed to buy it "I'm going home to pick one up, I'll be back right now." I smiled one last time before turning my back.
"Without eating anything?" Mira said.
Fuck, fuck she knows. She realized.
"Oh" I looked at them again "I almost forget that, too." And laughed after taking the bacon sandwich she gave me and biting it. "Save something else for me!" I waved a goodbye and run back home, throwing the rest of the sandwich in the nearer trash can.
Shit, Lucy, bacon seriously? It's amazing how good you are in losing weight. You're a pig.
Well I had no choice, or she will have asked more questions.
Still. You shouldn't have eaten that, now your thighs will touch each other and your clothes won't fit you anymore. Is that what you want?
No! But it's just…
Do you really think that anybody wants to see your fat ass? How can you wear those short skirts when you have the biggest thighs on earth?
Hey, it was just a bite of sandwich! Besides…
Besides nothing! Fat! You're a damn fat pig! Ugly!
I forced the voice in my head to shut up but it screamed how fat I was anyway. I yelled as well until I couldn't take it anymore and ran to the bathroom –before knowing it I had my fingers down my throat and I was bended over my toilet, trying to hold my hair aside until I felt the bile up my esophagus again. What I was able to vomit was little, as pathetic as I felt right there crying and sobbing with my fingers wet of saliva.
I let myself fall against the wall, sliding until being sat on the floor embracing my legs.
What have I done!? What is this feeling? I didn't want to vomit! I'm not like that! What's happening to me? All this just because a stupid comment Happy said the other day? Oh come on! I swear over my spirits that this won't happen again… Never…
I sobbed there until I fell asleep, and woke up two hours later having to run back to the beach thinking of a good excuse for Mira and the others, and with my head and chest heavier than usual, as if I was carrying another person inside.
But oh, I was, her name was Ana and this was just the beginning.
[…]
"Hi Natsu, Lucy, Happy!" Mira greeted from behind the counter when we arrived from our last mission. It was a disaster as usual, and I will probably not make ends meet. "How was work?"
"Natsu kind of destroyed the entire city the third time this year so we are banned forever." I explained and rested my forehead on the wood.
"You're exaggerating, Lucy!" He put an arm over my shoulders and smiled as he always does.
"Yeah, you're exaggerating!" Happy repeated.
"Don't make me show Mira the formal report where they clearly establish they don't want us back there even if the city were on flames. Which was indeed since you couldn't resist burning everything, again." They stopped laughing and I even felt bad for being so rude.
"Woah, what a meanie, Lucy!" Natsu said. I tried to apologize but I couldn't. I'm not a mean person, I know. It's just that lately… "Well Mira, can you serve us some food? We're starving!"
Fuck, Natsu.
Woah, lets see how you get out of this piggy Lucy!
Shut up.
"…and some fish for Happy. Noted down. And you, Lucy? What do you want?" Shit.
"Well… I was thinking of leaving, I'm a bit tired anyway, and I'm not hungry at all." I thought it was a good excuse, but Mira didn't buy it and my stomach growling didn't help, so I ended up with an enormous burger in front of me.
No, hell, no. It smells delicious but no. I can't.
How can you say it smells good!? Think of all the fat that thing has!
I know, but…
"Lucy?" Mira asked, I had been staring worryingly at my lunch and she noticed. "Is something wrong?" She raised an eyebrow, for god sake of course she realized.
"No!" This was one of the harder smiles I have ever had to fake in my life. "Of course not!"
And I ate it, with each bite I felt the fat accumulating on my stomach, my hips, my thighs… I had to try hard for not crying in front of them.
Pig. Fat. Ugly.
I finished, payed, and ran to my bathroom. Bended over my toilet I vomited until there was nothing left in me.
[…]
100... How can I allow myself to weigh that much! That's not possible! I can't be that fat! I haven't eaten anything this week…
"Lucy?" I jumped off of the scale quickly just to find a confused Natsu hanging in my window.
"What the hell are you doing here!? Get out, pervert!" I covered myself with the robe immediately. He ignored me.
"What were you doing?"
"Huh, I…" I looked for Happy in help but he was nowhere to be seen. "Where's Happy by the way?" I tried to smile and change the topic but I failed, Natsu ignored my question again and got closer to me.
"What was that?" He said.
Okay, Lucy, you don't have a way out this time.
"A scale?" I tried easy.
"I know damn well what a scale is Lucy, I meant you almost crying over there. And I heard your stomach growl even from the street. Look at your eyes! When was the last time you slept?"
"Natsu, I…" I wanted to cut it short but he didn't let me.
"I've seen you naked a lot before Lucy. But what I saw now –that ain't you. All those marked ribs, your hips. What the hell happened to you? Are you sick? Have you even eaten today? It's because you don't have money? I will bring you food if it's necessary, I will…" I laid my finger over his mouth.
"I'm okay, Natsu" I repeated the same lie and excuse I had prepared for everybody who asked. "I haven't been feeling well lately, that's all. I will get better, I promise." His look was now soft over me, and then Natsu did something I wasn't expecting at all. Something he hasn't done since Éclair's death. He hugged me.
"I can't believe you, Lucy" he said in our embrace.
"Why are you here, Natsu? Apart from you always sneaking in my house."
"Mira told me she thought you were having problems with food, and asked me to look after you. I always do that, Lucy, so I felt real bad for not noticing before. I'm sorry." Shit, Mira can't know, I can't allow her to tell nobody else.
"It's okay, Natsu, I'm just ill. I'll be fine soon, why don't you just pick a work for us and…"
"No" He said and hugged me tight. "Don't lie to me, I don't buy it, Lucy."
I forced myself to swallow the tears the fact of lying to the most important person in my life generated in my eyes.
"Are you my friend, Natsu?" He separated us a bit so he could look into my eyes.
"Sure Lucy! You know I'm…!"
"Then believing me is a must."
[…]
"Watch out, Natsu! You got them on your left!" I gasped, then shouted him when I sent him the bandits with my whip. He just laughed and exploded everything again, finishing the thieves, our job (and probably our payment as well).
"It's done, Lucy!" Happy left him on the ground by my side. Natsu threw an arm over my shoulders and we went back to the town. "Now it's lunch time! Where do you want to go? I'm so hungry!"
I heard Happy answer but I didn't get what he said, my mind was looking for an excuse at the speed of light. Clover is kind of far from Magnolia so I knew I couldn't just run back home and say I'm ill again –what's pretty much what I've been doing for months now.
"Lucy? You're so silent, what's on?" He said taking me back to reality.
"Yeah Lucy! Why?" Happy landed in front of me, jumping into my arms. Carrying him had never cost me as much as in that moment, my arms were about to release him from tiredness. It was so hard to keep walking and my limbs weighed pretty much… It seemed like falling asleep. I forced myself to answer them before I could close my eyes.
"I'm okay, it's just I'm not really hungry because I had a lot of breakfast this morning and still have it on my stomach."
We headed to a nice, old-styled restaurant we saw at the end of the street.
I hope you can persist with a glass of water because that's the only thing you can consume for the rest of your fat and sickening life.
They won't notice. Once I put food in front of them I'll became invisible, you'll see…
I hardly believe your fat stomach will be unnoticed for someone, ever.
Shut up and see.
"I don't remember you eating anything this morning, Lucy." Natsu said. "To be honest I don't even remember when was the last time I saw you ea-" I interrupted him before he could finish.
"It was while you were on the bathroom."
"If you say so…" He seemed worried, but his face changed once we entered the local. The next moment we were already sat on a table with our food ordered and Happy annoying the hell out of the other people on the restaurant. I let him molest them anyway because I was so tired stoping him wasn't worth the effort, I had to keep all the energy I could.
You can't be that tired. Those 95 pounds are fat enough to maintain you for life.
I know.
Then wear a fucking smile on or they will realize. And you know it's too late for you to be saved, they can do nothing. Stop trying.
I know that already!
Then why do you want it? You're trying so desperately it's pathetic… You're stuck with me, Lucy. Forever.
I fucking know that!
"Shut up!" I screamed and then came back to reality. Natsu was looking at me as if I were the rarest thing he has ever seen.
"What's on, Lucy?" Even Happy flew back to us for listening.
"She's crazy, Natsu! So weird!"
That damn cat.
"Sorry, I was just thinking out loud."
I ignored their jokes. Besides, they cut it soon because the food arrived. So many food a country would survive for one month with it.
"Do you intend on wasting every single jewel or what? You crossed the line, this is too much food for you two" I said, but then remembered it was Natsu who I was talking to, it's likely that in mere seconds there will be no more food on the table.
"But it's not just for us, Lucy! It's for you, too!" He said full-mouthed, and Happy got his fish out of the mouth for speaking now. "What's happening Lucy? Are you on a diet~? Fatty Lucy~" He joked and Natsu himself stopped eating.
But Happy's joke didn't hurt as much as I thought it will.
No, Happy, I'm not on a diet. I just won't eat ever again.
You wish.
I ignored the voice again.
"It's just I'm not hungry yet. I'll eat when I get home."
Natsu tried to say something but Happy did it first. "Are you going to eat those chocolates you hide in your drawer?"
Now they may be rotten, Happy.
I saw him smile but it didn't irritate me anymore. He says it because it's true and tries to help me realize. Happy isn't bad or wants to hurt me, I know. He loves me, we're comrades.
Why don't you understand that nobody loves fat and ugly pigs?
He does, we are friends.
Keep saying that to yourself.
I chose not to keep listening and got up under their expecting looks.
"Well, I know I'm not as thin as Levy or Mirajane, you don't have to shout it every single hour Happy." He tried to keep joking but I cut him looking at his feline eyes. "But I promise I will so I won't disgust anybody who sees me. I, Lucy Heartfilia," I almost shouted but couldn't care less. "Am going to be skinny! I swear!"
Then left them there. I was able to get to the bathroom before collapsing on the ground and cry.
"Are you okay, girl?" A woman appeared form one of the cubicles. I tried to get up and lie with a smile but I couldn't find the necessary strength so I just nodded and kept silent. She understood I didn't want to talk but gave me a hand nonetheless and helped me to get up before handing me a tissue and leaving the bathroom.
Sooner than later I heard Natsu calling my name from the other side of the door, though I didn't respond.
Natsu can't see you like that or he will tell Mirajane.
He wouldn't, he's my best friend.
You're stupid or what? I don't believe I'm gonna say this but that's the reason he will tell her. Because even when you're a pig, fat and unworthy girl he seems to care about you more than anyone out there. He is a bit dense, though, and because of that he will look for help in every single place he can, to save and protect you, enormous ball of fat.
I couldn't find the words to say something after that because I knew the voice was right, what made me feel worse with myself for damaging Natsu as well. It's not his fault having a useless mate!
"Lucy, please" Natsu's voice sounded now defeated, something I never thought I would get to hear "Get outta there, we're going back home."
His words echoed all over the restroom until the only thing that remained was the sound of my heart breaking into pieces.
[…]
88 pounds, Lucy.
Please, don't make me do that! I will lose more weigh by the end of the week, it's a celestial promise!
Your celestial promises are full of shit to me, piggy. Go and cry to your spirits if you want, I only care about results and you're still fat.
You know perfectly well I may not be able to summon them now, it costs a lot of magic and I don't have much now. I'm out of power until I eat something.
Why don't you eat something then? It's unlikely you can be fatter than you are now.
I don't want to put on weight…
Then stop complaining. Punishment is punishment, it'll remind you not to eat today either.
I sobbed and got off the scale. The punishment was a large cut in the upper thigh which bled as hell but didn't hurt anymore. After cleaning the wound, I left the bloody towel on the floor and tried the middle-thigh skirt I intended to wear today, but it fell to my ankles after I buttoned it up.
Fuck, I need some new clothes.
"Hey, Lucy, come with me! Happy is...!" I heard Natsu sneak in my room again when I was trying to get another skirt.
"For what's good Natsu! Get out of my house and stop scaring the hell out of me!"
I quickly threw a dress over my head before looking at him, but what was standing in front of me didn't seem like my Natsu at all.
"Stop looking at me that way, idiot." I whispered, his eyes terrorizing me while he moved closer.
"Lucy…" Was the only thing he said. Natsu took two steps before collapsing in front of me. He fell to his knees and tried to touch my stomach with his hands, but hesitated.
"What are you…" I hushed when he looked at me in the eyes and grabbed one of my thighs.
"I'm sorry" Natsu surprised me. "I'm sorry you had to pass through this alone because I was so fucking blind to realize something was really wrong." He sighed, moving his hands to my marked ribs and I stayed still. Natsu kneeled before me had my limbs trembling so I didn't think I could move without falling. However, everything changed when I saw him cry –Natsu caressed my visible bones over my skin and I swear I thought the world was about to crash over my shoulders. I felt so guilt, so miserable. I had seen Natsu cry in countable times and I wasn't worth his tears, I definitely don't deserve them.
"Look at your ribs, your hips… I can almost enclose your thigh with just one hand…" He murmured, more for him than me to hear. "So thin…"
Not thin enough.
"Lucy" His voice and eyes made me ignore the voice in my head again. "Mira knew about you having this weird eating illness, and she told me, once, twice, thrice even. I knew it and did nothing, that makes me the worst comrade ever!" Natsu embraced my torso and I felt my eyes wet immediately. "Look at your face, too. What happened to your eyes, Lucy? They don't shine as usual!"
"And they won't anymore. Not until I'm skinny at least." Due to the way he looked at me I regretted saying that, but being honest it's the one thing my sick brain thinks about now, and that hurt him, all my comrades apparently.
I'm trying to be thinner, so that I can be better for you. Useful for once.
Even though, I wasn't brave enough to say it out loud.
"But you already are, dammit! Look at you, Lucy!" Natsu cried. I already do, you know. What I see… I don't want to be like that, so disgusting. "The day I met you" his tone changed and he got up slowly so I had to look up for seeing his wet eyes again "I swore to the very gods that I would protect you at any cost, that I would stand in front of anything anyone could throw. The day I had to see you die, I promise Lucy that together with the day I saw Igneel pass in front of me was one of the worst days I've ever had to live. Back then I knew that I could have done something more, anything else in order to save ya, and that makes me feel guilty and useless since then. Now, Lucy… I can't protect you if you're the one who's harming you! And I can't stand that!"
He held my shoulders and his forehead touched mine. Natsu was angry, but he was defeated as well, and it's all my fault.
"N-natsu I…" When his hands cupped my face I couldn't talk anymore.
"It's okay, Lucy, none of this is your fault. I will save you anyway."
"You can't" The voice in my head shouted.
"I always do, I will come up with something, you'll see."
"You can't"
It was now my heart the one who knew he won't be able to do anything, and when he smiled me –so close, yet so far at the same time, I had to tell him.
"You can't" He was surprised about it "The voice in my head, Natsu… The image I receive each time I look at my reflection in the mirror… They will never go away. They are going to be there forever, I'm sorr" He interrupted me, irritated, and I swear we couldn't be closer.
"Then I'll kill them all!" He shouted so determined that I almost believe it myself, though deep down I knew not even him would win this battle. Nonetheless, I smiled, or so I tried. "Come with me, Lucy. Let's go to the guild, we get Happy and a job, destroy some cities, get kicked out of others…" He smirked and encircled my body just to squeeze a little my lower back. For the first time since he entered my room I moved and touched his face.
"Sounds good" I grinned, knowing how much I will have to pretend from now on. Whatever it takes keeping his smile on his lips. "Let me get changed and…" I stopped when he lift me from the floor and let out a little cry, quickly throwing my arms around his neck.
"Nah" he said "That dress suits you."
"Hey! Don't say things like that!" I snapped at him, feeling my cheeks blush before holding closer onto him, ashamed.
Do you really like it, Natsu? Then wait until I'm skinnier. You'll love it.