The Wonderful Life of Ramen Uzumaki
in which
Naruto makes a commitment

--Warning!--
Itemality? Ramenphilia? Definitely Ramenphobia. And more crap.
READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

Sasuke hated ramen, that damned (delicious) abomination of a food.

It wasn't even native to Japan.

But that wasn't why he didn't like it (Sasuke wasn't an elitist. Really, he wasn't), and truthfully speaking, maybe hate was too strong a word to use anyway.

Truly, the reason he hated – or "hated" – ramen was simple: it dictated what he wore.

Not many Konoha citizens knew of his once (literally) sordid affair with the food as a child, in which his mother took to dressing him in dark shirts after the countless white shirts that were rendered useless after a particularly tasty ramen dinner.

No, the origin of his dark shirt obsession was a secret he would take to the grave. If – when – he branched into the lighter shades, the world would be none the wiser but it stood that the subject was still a little sore spot for Sasuke's Uchiha pride.

So when Naruto boldly declared his love for the bowl of ramen cupped preciously before him as he shoveled the contents deep into his mouth, Sasuke turned away from his own bowl to glare as fiercely as he could.

Naruto didn't get the hint.

"Seriously, ramen! No, really, I mean, wow! Ramen! It's so good, I can't stop, and it's taking over my brain!"

Slurp. Chew- wait, no, he didn't chew? Swall- wait, no, he didn't finish swallowing either and more is already going in?

Sasuke almost gagged. Why did he have to look up? But since he was already looking at the blond idiot, he decided to increase the danger in his glare. Still, Naruto remained oblivious.

"Wow, this ramen is so good! Why does a food like this exist? I can't stop eating. Holy crap, wow, I just love it. I love, love, love it. Haha, I love ramen!"

As he entered the third refrain of his "I love ramen" song (mysteries of singing with his mouth full be damned), Sasuke felt the tic mark on his forehead explode.

"Then why don't you just fucking marry it?!"

Silence.

The "I love ramen" song was blessedly cut short, but so was all other conversation in Ichiraku Ramen as all customers – including the other half of Team 7 – turned to stare at the dark-haired boy in surprise.

Sasuke, for his part, ignored the looks and simply returned to eating his own meal. Once finished, he lightly placed the chopsticks over the bowl, politely bowed in thanks to the stand owner, and walked out with another glance.

He thought that would be the end of Naruto's declarations of unhealthy infatuations.

He thought wrong.

Three weeks later found an exhausted Sasuke returning from a weeklong solo mission, walking into Konoha as the gossipers buzzed about something or other – he never paid attention to what the old ladies had to say about each other anyway.

When he ran into Sakura a few minutes later, he realized something was terribly, horribly wrong.

"Sasuke! You're back! Thank goodness!" She exclaimed and latched onto his arm in a different sort of clingy than she had when he was leaving – more panicky than "please do me." "Maybe someone can finally talk some sense into him."

And so she sent Sasuke off on a new mission.

"Him" turned out to be Naruto, of course. Sasuke wasn't sure what he was supposed to do about "talk" – a euphemism for "beat the shit out of," maybe? – nor did he know how exactly "sense" and "Naruto" could ever belong in the same sentence. But he decided to try anyway.

And people wondered why he hated his life.

He knocked heavily on Naruto's door and waited less than a second before storming in. Naruto's voice floated in from the bedroom in the back.

"Oh, yeah… Like that… Oh, yeah…"

It sounded distinctly like Naruto was having sex. But the idea was preposterous. Naruto would likely remain a virgin for all the remainder of his pathetic life.

He walked closer to the bedroom door.

"Oh…"

Wait. That really did sound like a moan. Maybe Naruto was training? Maybe he was lifting some heavy weights?

"Fucking shit, that feels so good…"

Getting a good workout really did feel good. Sasuke could totally relate to that.

Having convinced himself the coast was clear, Sasuke slammed the door open roughly. "Naruto. Why the hell is Sakura… telling… me… to…"

If the silence at Ichiraku Ramen was awkward after his outburst, he thought maybe this silence would probably be the equivalent of farting in the middle of his exam to become a genin and then failing. Or maybe, this was more awkward than that. Naruto was the only one with farting in public experience, after all.

Naruto stared over his shoulder in surprise at his teammate standing in the doorway, one hand wrapped around his hardened penis, the other rubbing cooked ramen all over his torso, and were those flakes of uncooked ramen covering the bedspread?

What the hell?

"What the hell?"

The question seemed to break Naruto from his embarrassed daze and he sprung to life, mimicking the actions of his penis from earlier, as he rushed to cover his privates with the blanket.

"T-This isn't what it looks like!"

Sasuke raised a brow.

"Really. So you're not jerking yourself off to the feel of ramen being slathered all over your body?"

Naruto blinked at him, confused.

"What? No! That's not what I'm talking about. I mean, we are talking about that, but that's not what I meant. I mean, actually, I totally am touching myself and hey, haha, maybe I should let go, whoop, there you go."

Naruto raised the hand that had been hidden under the blanket to rub at his face, collecting his thoughts as Sasuke stared in disgust.

"Okay," he said, having come to a conclusion. "Let me start over. Sasuke, a lot has happened since you left for your mission. I mean, I thought a lot about what you'd said to me and I realized something. A lot of people in Konoha don't like me, are actually afraid of me, or don't trust me at all. I haven't really led them to feel otherwise."

Sasuke nodded his head in agreement.

"Shut up, asshole. You're not supposed to agree with me. Anyway, so, like I said. I started thinking, and what you said the other day really made sense. I mean, if I really feel so strongly about something, I should make a commitment to it, right? I mean, how will people support me in becoming Hokage if I've never sat down and demonstrated how I can be responsible and committed to one thing."

Sasuke was confused. What did he say to him? That could finally get through the blonde's big, fat skull to the puny brain it housed?

"So, I thought about it. And you're right. If I really love ramen, I really should take the plunge and marry it. So I did."

Naruto raised the blanket a little to reveal a bowl of ramen, smiling proudly. "Sasuke, meet my wife, Ramen Uzumaki."

Sasuke waited a grand total of five minutes for the punch line, for Naruto to suddenly jump up and say, "Haha! Just kidding! Tricked you!" but it never came.

To be fair, he didn't remember ever suggesting to Naruto that he marry an inanimate object.

When Naruto began to deflate a little at his lack of response, Sasuke said the only thing that came to mind.

"Congratulations, moron."

And he left, feeling a strong sting to his Uchiha pride. Because damnit, not only had Naruto lost his virginity before him, but he'd also gotten married first, too! Sasuke was the supposed to be the first in everything.

He walked out thinking about his future wives and how to implement Part 2 of his Revenge. Who could make a good Uchiha wife?

Sakura? Absolutely not.

Hinata? N-no.

Tenten? Who?

Were there really no good candidates in Konoha?

And then it hit him. A little anecdote he'd stumbled across in one of his mother's books as a child. After all, wasn't it well known that tomatoes were very loyal… and good in bed?

He'd have to test it out to be sure.

--A/N—
I know, I know. I'm a bit of an idiot. What can I say? I was dropped on my head as a child. If you see any typos, tell them I'll be with them in a second.