The business was in trouble, more than I thought. True, I'd been ignoring it a bit, putting bills aside. Saying to myself that I'd deal with it later but I didn't. I'd stuck my head in the sand. Well, the time to pay was getting near.
Cars weren't selling. A whole car lot full of cars that wouldn't move. People would look, sure. But people wouldn't buy. Why did I ever go into such a luxury item business? The overhead was killing me. I was in the red. I might have to sell the house.
I was trying to be cool for Craig and Angela, trying to act like nothing was wrong. This was getting to be harder and harder. I didn't have any patience anymore for either one of them.
Angie was in bed, Craig was out god knew where. I was at the table with my coffee that I drank like a fiend, cold bit of coffee left in the cup, bills in my hand. I was in over my head. Failing. Again. God.
I didn't even want to look at those bills. I didn't have the money to pay them, nowhere near. Last notice, that's what most of them said, last notice. Well, I still couldn't pay them whatever the notice, first, last, all the notices in between. No money equaled no money.
I knew about the check Craig's father left him, I know about the will. I know his father was loaded. But that's Craig's money that I want him to use for him, not for me, which is a major reason I've kept the whole mess from him. I'm trying to be the dad here. Failing miserably, but trying.
It's such an awful feeling, owing money you don't have, living on borrowed time, borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Pick your cliché. The anxiety is wearing me down. I'm short tempered. I snap at people. I can't concentrate. This is hell. Hell.
It's getting later and later and still Craig isn't home. Damn that kid he knows it's a school night. I know he's got 10,000 dollars at his disposal and it's almost 10 o'clock and he isn't back. I can feel my blood pressure rising. I can feel the caffeine sizzling in what's left of my brain. I can feel so damn worried about everything. About Craig, about Angela, about the business, the bills, the every goddamn thing.
He waltzes in with Ashley and they both seem so happy and I try to be cordial. I want to scream at him, 'where have you been, huh?' But I do not. He sets a guitar case on the table. So he bought a new guitar with the money. Good for him. But they both have these wicked little smiles that I can't interpret.
"It's a fender strat," he says, and I lift it reverently from the case. It's beautiful.
"How much did this set you back? $400?" I say, and he and Ashley exchange smiles.
"What? Six?" I say, running one finger along it's gleaming side.
"Uh, no. More like $4000," I glance at him, at her, and put it back in the case, all admiration dried up. $4000 fucking dollars? I could, I could do so much with that. I could pay off some lethal bills and the thought crept into my head how much I've spent on Craig over the years.
"Oh. Well, enjoy it," I say, and leave. My face was getting red. I couldn't pay the damn hydro bill and he's buying a $4000 guitar? Something just didn't seem right here.
Up in my room, that senseless purchase of his knawing at me. Damn it. It was his money he didn't know I needed money and I didn't want to take his money. But I needed it. I needed some help. I figured I should go find Craig. In the kitchen I knew he was in the garage, I could hear the new guitar. Heard him strumming it, playing some chords, getting the feel of it.
"Craig?" His back is to me and he turns around and smiles, plays a few more notes.
"I've got a ways to go to sound like Hendrix, huh?" he says, self deprecatory. I nod and smile a strained little smile. That guitar, the money it cost, suddenly I'm enraged. All these bills over my head like a tidal wave and I just absolutely can not take it.
"Yeah, look, could you pitch in with some rent?" I say, and it sounds bad. Craig looks at me with a sharp, quizzical look.
"What?"
"I heat this garage for you, and the price of hydro…and you go through shoes like no one I've ever met,"
He's upset. His eyes get all squinted up.
"My dad's estate gives you money," His goddamn dad. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have all these extra bills.
"Yeah, $250 a month. That barely keeps you in pizza,"
He walks away from me, and I can feel my anger rising. A beast on a leash. All this pressure and it's not too much to ask for a little rent. He turns back, his eyes still squinted up, his mouth moving but no words yet.
"Would you ask Angie this?"
That was it. Back talk and all that shit and all the money I owe. And a $4000 guitar. I couldn't take it. I step toward him fast and before I can stop myself I grab him by the wrists and shove him, hard. He falls to the floor and then stares up at me and I see that look, that terrified look Albert must have seen. The shame of doing that to him was overwhelming. It descended.
"Oh my god Craig I'm so sorr-"
"Save it," he says, getting up, not even looking at me. I watch him leave. I don't even try to stop him.