Standard Disclaimer: I do not own the Baldur's Gate series or anything from DnD or whatever they use. Black Isle, Bioware, and Wizards of the Sword Coast do however. I'm just expressing my appreciation for this game. That and I kinda made up Murphy, so I guess he's mine. But knowing his luck, he might end up dead or belonging to someone else.

Murphy's Law

Prologue: Chateau de Irenicus

Dear Random Scrap of Paper,

Hi! I'm Murphy. I think it's really important that we get acquainted as soon as possible considering what we'll go through together. Hope you're not squeamish! Ha, ha! Seriously though, I'll be using you as a tool to keep from going insane from the torture, that's where I got the blood to write on you with in case you were wondering. Now don't act disgusted! I was already bleeding and besides I saved you from a far worse fate of absorbing various bodily fluids at the bottom of my cage!

Well, I suppose I should explain my predicament, if only because I have lost all other records from my imprisonment… No, you're not the first. Sorry… I guess.

Anyway like I said, I'm Murphy, born to Oghma knows who, raised in Candlekeep by some apparently well known sage named Gorion. He used to adventure, I don't really know much about him other than the stories he told me and Imoen. Oh, yeah Imoen. That pink, annoying, tricky, cheerful thief… and kinda my best friend. There weren't a lot of kids at Candlekeep, so we struck up together. It was better than nothing, but to be honest I think she'd follow me to the Hells even though we're both out of Candlekeep and have met a lot more interesting people than each other. It's comforting, in a clingy way. Or she can't find anyone else to be the butt of her jokes. With my luck, it's the latter. Another thing you and anyone who might read this should know: Tymora seems to have developed a very, VERY personal vendetta against me. Don't follow?

Evidence A) Imoen entered my usually peaceful and gratefully uneventful life.

Evidence B) Gorion was murdered for not giving me over to some Spiky Dude.

Evidence C) Said Spiky Dude turns out to be my brother. Well, half-brother.

Evidence D) Turns out Spiky Dude and I sprang from the loins of Bhaal, the horny God of Murder. Yep, I'm a Bhaalspawn, which is probably why I'm locked in this cage.

Evidence E) The letter that reveals said Bhaalspawn information goes on to inform me that the reason Gorion took me in is because he did the nasty repeatedly with my mother…… Sorry, I had to shudder and repress the mental horror that sentence conjures up.

Evidence F) Got captured by wolf people.

Evidence G) Nearly killed by a Kobold! A KOBOLD!

Evidence H) Had several bounties taken out on me. One so large in fact, I had to dodge the Flaming Fist at one point.

Evidence I) Had to spend vast quantities of time in sewers. No seriously, half the time I was in Baldur's Gate, I was walking about her sewers. Oddly enough there was a brothel down there…

Evidence J) Forced to hunt down armies of bandits terrorizing Sword Coast.

Evidence K) Nearly eviscerated by said bandits.

Evidence L) Nearly flattened by Temple dedicated to Bhaal.

Evidence M) Am now being tortured by sadistic, leather-bound, masked freak who loves to test the hypothesis I'm resistant to magic. All results have turned up bloody and negative.

Sorry. Got carried away there. But those are the facts, and I didn't even mention anything about the Spider Lady, the Cloakwood Mines, or the wyverns and basilisks. Yeah, someone hates me. Oops! Speaking of someone, a certain forgetful someone seems to want to test his Murphy-Anti-magic theory… Again… Please, Ao, let him lay off the lightning spells. I really don't want to be electrocuted if I drool in my sleep again.

Gods know when, Maybe an hour from last entry.

The masked freak is away, and the Bhaalspawn will run like a bat out of hell! So, apparently someone else hates the leather loving spell slinger as much as I do as "intruders" have entered the "complex." I'm not surprised he has a bunch of golems to call him master. As a matter of fact, I'd imagine he has to create some new ones few days or so, because I really don't see anything, even a magical construct, being around him for too long without wanting to hurt him. And seriously, Sewage Golems? That's just gross.

Imoen sprung me from my cage, while tall, dark and crazy was off hurting people not in cages. I didn't even know she was here. And Minsc and Jaheira are here too. I met them while being forced to hunt down Spiky Dude. I think they had significant others… can't remember. Anyway everybody was in a cage! Freaky stuff that. Everybody's out of their cage now and we found some cheap equipment… Where the hells did all my stuff go? I know I had a set of Ankheg plate… I almost DIED to get that shell… and another started attacking and spit acid in my eyes while we skinning the first one! I swear I'm gonna kill that stealing bastard!

P.S. Found quill and ink. Awesome!

Still Gods know when and where for that matter, Moments from last entry.

HOLY AOOHGMALATHANDERLLIIRAWAUKEENHELMSUNEKELEMVOR! This man PICKLES people! And keeps them in JARS! And let's not forget he has djinn, goblins, and Oghma knows what else wandering these halls. And those freaky pools that do… do… I don't know what they do but I know I don't want to go near THOSE again! If I get out of here alive, I swear I'll be good! I won't even hunt this sick bastard down. Please, Little Paper Scrap, carry my prayers to the Gods. Tymora, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I'm willing to start fresh! I'll worship you! Just please play nice! I don't want to be pickled!

Location still unknown, Maybe an hour later, Mood: calmer.

Okay, this… masked whatever has the filthiest library I have ever seen. When was the last time he ordered a golem to clean this place? I know he's been busy torturing and pickling people, but this is inexcusable… but oddly helpful. There were potions, scrolls, and even gems and jewelry mixed in with the books. Oh, and we ran into a bunch of dark dwarves… duergar Imoen called them. Anyway, one of them had acorns, which is just plain weird if you ask me.

Who cares where I am! There are Fricken' Dryads! Time? DRYADS!

Well, after heroically vanquishing an Otyugh in a sewer… Oh yeah, that's right. I'm in a Gods forsaken sewer again! Anyway I find this really fancy room… Well, Imoen found it… and all the traps. There was some cool stuff though, and the best closet ever! It led to a forested area with Dryads… THREE Dryads! Oh, Tymora, I knew we'd get along famously! THANK YOU! Oh… They just want to be free, that's understandable… I can probably help with that. And now apparently we are. Thanks, Imoen. What? Who's Irenicus? Now I have to find another djinni? Oh, hells…

Some windy place… I don't think I'm in a sewer anymore… Time? I lost track after the Dryads…

Found the Djinni. Freed the Djinni. Got Sarevok's sword… You know, the Spiky Dude I mentioned earlier. Apparently it was mine… I didn't even know I had the damn thing… Minsc took it. Said Boo said I'd only stab myself like last time. Now I need to find a key… "her" key… Did one of the dryads have a key? Oh yeah, killed a Cambion. When the hells did I pick up that sword…

Some Really Freaky Room that spawns large Flying Rats… Definitely not bats…

Well, after I found the key and was allowed to transport to freedom… Ha! Like that would ever happen to me… No, transported to Level 2. Still in a sewer. And really, I know Masked Freak (apparently he's Irenicus) is a mage and all, but having to teleport everywhere? That's just cliché. But I have found another living person. He's Yoshimo, a famous Bounty Hunter. I said I hadn't heard of him. He was shocked but said that was cool. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship… I wonder if it's too soon to call each other 'best friends'…

Khalid's dead. It's sad and I feel kinda bad, but he married Jaheira, so I guess he finally gets to rest now. Jaheira's mourning… and yelling and insulting everybody. That's why I'm sitting on a chest away from the scene writing on you, my papery friend. I'm beginning to think you're lucky. Limited pain and kinda free… This is much better than the others. The last one gave me a paper cut…

Another Morbid Room, Maybe he's a Necromancer…

Well, gee whiz. Another Room with people in jars… Oh, sorry. Parts of people. When did this become an acceptable pastime? Bhaalspawn need to know this… Anyway, Sewer Lovin' Mage Irenicus has been dabbling in cloning… And surprise, surprise! They don't like him either! Found another new person… but the clone killed them. I kinda wanted a new friend… Oh, well. There's still Yoshimo… My BFF? Still might be too soon to say it aloud, but he so feels the same way. I know it. I read people extremely well.

A Crypt… I want my Mommy… or Bhaal. Dad?

WHO THE HELLS KEEPS A VAMPIRE? IN A SEWER?!? This is just insane! And it killed more new people who could help me leave. Stupid undead bitch. Anyway someone said something about a guild or something. The Shadow Thieves, I think. No one crosses them and lives or some such. Anyway, now I can add Vampire to things that almost killed me.

P.S. I should really thank Jaheira for keeping me alive… Maybe I can make her a card when we get out of here. Or buy her fruit. She's a druid, they love fruit.

Actual Sewer… Why, Tymora? Why?

I thought Tymora and I had a clean slate. We'd be buddies. But nooo! So here I am in an actual sewer. Oh, I know I said sewer before but apparently it was just a sewer lair. NOW I'm in the actual sewer. Anyway, I just got attacked by the fricken' Shadow Thieves. They're supposed to love me! I totally did them a solid in Baldur's Gate. I even did a few tasks for them! I should be universally recognized as a friend! But noooo! They want to kill me! Screw you, Shadow Thieves! You bastards owe me! And screw you, Tymora! No! Wait! I didn't mean it! I love you! Let's be friends again! I won't abuse our relationship again! I wanna make nice!

Athkatla. Yeah, apparently we're in Amn now. Mirtul 1.

Well, we finally got out of the sewer. Good thing to, because the tunnel collapsed behind us. My poor dryads. Don't worry, Pretties! Murphy will save you! And you don't have to reward me really… Just doing my job. I'm a famous hero, don't you know. Oh sure, I'll accept thanks… It's usually a pretty thankless job. Heroing, that is… Err… Anyway…

Masked Freak was there and without his mask too! That was a big surprise for me. He killed people. No surprises there. He's so totally cliché. Imoen yelled at him. He said some snarky stuff back. Imoen cast a magic missile at him… Wait. Since when could she do that? Anyway, some robed guys are showing up now. Blah, blah, blah. Gods, these guys sound boring. Wait. What did they say about magic? Geez! Will this Freak Mage stop killing them so I can ask somebody? Huh? Cowled who? Imoen? But… Magic's illegal? Since when? Great… Now the Robed Jerks are gone with both Imoen and Mr. Loves Death, and I'm left standing in a crater. Oh, now crowds are forming. Just. Great…

A/N: Wow! There it is. Anyway, I was playing SOA one day with one of my usual Bhaalspawn and I realized that were he not as focused on hunting Irenicus, he might have been reduced to tears by the time he entered the Underdark. Probably before that. And somehow Murphy's Law came up since nothing ever pans out nicely in the game (especially for a certain Bhaalspawn), and I created Murphy and this parody happened.

Anyway, this is a steam of consciousness style, written in the form of a Bhaalspawn's Journal. You know in case you couldn't tell. Hmmm. I got nothing else. Hope ya liked it, as much as I liked writing it.

Next Time: Murphy realizes he has to find Imoen or Irenicus, preferably both. And apparently, he's attracting some female attention… Stay tuned.