Disclaimer: I own nothing, don't sue me.
A/N: The end of my staycation approaches, but I managed to finish this one. Set after Natalie tells John she and Brody are engaged. Read and review please!
He saw the ring. She may as well have punch him in the gut for how fast it knocked the wind out of him.
"Brody proposed"
And just like that, it was over. Before he had a chance to start again, it was gone. Of all the ways he'd thought this conversation would go down, he hadn't been prepared for this. He listened to her babble on like she was nervous to be telling him this and went to the other side of the bar, needing the space, and holding onto the bar for fear this news would knock him down.
"You said yes"
She came closer to him and he looked down. She'd always said his eyes gave him away. He didn't want her to see how much this hurt as she told him she had agreed to it. That she'd come to tell him because she didn't want him to hear it from hearsay. As if hearing it in any other capacity would hurt any less, would make his heart ache any more than it was right now. He was too late. Another man had beaten him to her and now he had to live with it. He swallowed all his pride and tried to look her in the eyes.
"Congratulations. I'm sure you two will be very" he struggled to say the word because he knew from the look in her eyes it was a lie, "happy together" and then he said what hurt the most, "You'll be a family" the family he should have had, "that's how it should be" that's what he had to fall back on now. She was a mother, her son should have his father. It was the right thing to do. And he had always tried to do the right thing, even when it cost him his own happiness. He repeated himself, sure he sounded as stupid as he felt. He thanked her for telling him herself, and made an excuse to get her to leave. If she was engaged, he couldn't be this close to her right now when all he wanted was to tell her he was sorry and to ask her for another chance, to kiss her, to hold her, to do all the things he had no right to do anymore.
He thought she took the hint, she started to walk away, but then she spoke. Maybe it was a fool's wish, but he swore she was on the verge of tears as she spoke.
"John" she said, "You said, um, you said you wanted to talk to me about, about us"
It wasn't like her to stutter or to be nervous, especially around him. He felt laden with the guilt that things were no longer easy between the two of them. At the same time, his heart broke into a thousand other pieces as he answered her.
"It doesn't matter anymore"
He walked into the kitchen, not because he needed anything back there, but because he wasn't sure he could look at her anymore right now and remember what he almost had- or rather what he'd had and thrown away. And on the off chance that she understood what that meant, he couldn't see the tears she'd already been close to.
She wasn't sure what she'd expected coming here today to talk to him. Certainly not to relive how awful last night had been for her, and not to see how hurt he was underneath that smile he put on for show when she'd told him.
It didn't matter anymore.
What the hell did that mean?
She didn't know why, but she found herself crying at how hard those words had been for him to say and how much it hurt to hear him say it. Did that mean that they didn't matter anymore? he'd said it himself, he was over her, so why did he care if she was going to marry someone else? Did he care? Was she wrong about his reaction? Nothing made sense anymore. She knew that part of her had been coming here in the hopes that she was wrong, that he was going to ask her not to do it. If she was being honest, that was really why she was here, in his bar, where they'd spent so much time together and shooting pool and pretending they could be just friends. It was all too much and as he retreated to finish whatever he had to do this early in the morning, she left, crying far more than she should be for someone who had moved on.
"Natalie?" she heard.
She loved her uncle, she really did. But of all people to see right now before she got in her car to do damage control, he was probably the worst. well, second worst, if she considered the person who'd made her cry in the first place.
"Yeah" she said, blocking her eyes, a vain attempt to mask how hard she was crying.
"Are you alright?"
"Just something in my eye" she said, and took a step into him in her attempt to flee.
"Natalie" he said, and she still wouldn't look at him, "did you talk to John?"
"Yeah" she answered.
"So what's wrong?" he was confused, "I know he-"
"I just have something in my eye" she said and walked around him, walked to her car and sobbed.
She'd been married twice since they'd met. The first one he'd come to accept. Cris was her first love and he respected that and was never jealous of that. in some ways, Cris had brought them closer together. Her second one he'd always been jealous of- in a lot of respects that should have been him. They'd been so close, finally, he'd thought it was going to work out for him. And now, for a third time he was going to watch her wear someone else's ring. He stood against the bar, looking down at the floor, trying to remember if it had always hurt this much just to breathe. What he really wanted was to screw work, to screw Bo and to dive right back into the bottle he'd just crawled out of. Doing that wasn't going to do him any good, and he'd already let his friend down once today. Still, he couldn't find it in him to move, to go on right now knowing that he was beaten for good this time.
He heard Bo behind him, but didn't bother to turn, feeling too defeated to muster the energy.
"Hey" he said and came over, "I just saw Natalie, what happened?"
He couldn't remember a time when Bo hadn't wanted him to be with Natalie. Almost from the beginning he'd known, he'd told him to act on it if he wanted, sometimes even urging him to. What couldn't have been more than an hour earlier he'd begged him to tell her how he felt. He wasn't sure he could verbalize what had just happened to anyone, but saying it to Bo was one of the worst things he could have done.
"Did you talk to her?" he asked.
Yeah, they talked. Just not in any way he'd seen coming.
"She and Lovett are getting married" he answered simply, "Like I said, Bo, end of story"
Not nearly the end he'd wanted, but an end to their story just the same. He started walking out of the bar.
"John, it's not the end" he tried.
"Yeah, it is" he said, "I can't- I can't ask her to leave the family she never got to have. I can't do that to her"
"She wanted that family with you"
He looked down.
"It doesn't matter anymore" he said, "She made a promise and Natalie doesn't take those too lightly"
"John-"
"Bo, with all due respect, if you want me to go to work today, I can't talk about this anymore" he snapped and looked back down, "I'll be at the station in fifteen minutes. I'll see you there" he walked out not giving any more indication of goodbye than that.
Bo shook his head. He'd seen John at his worst- during the Music Box case, through all the ups and downs of his father's murder and then Truman's and the post-wedding mess. All that and yet he'd never seen him look near as beaten as he had just then.
Long before either of them had admitted to it, he'd seen it. He'd prodded John along the way to come to term with it, to act on it, to show her it was true. He'd pretended when they finally got together that it was a burden to have inter-office romance, even though everyone knew it was for appearances only. He'd drawn a line, though, he'd never played matchmaker for them. They were adults and they could make their own decisions. He'd offer his opinion and his advice if they were warranted, but he'd left the pushing to the two of them.
But he'd decided. Today was the day all that went out the window.
They were making themselves miserable, and each of them were too stubborn to give in to what they wanted. They were two of the smartest people he knew, but they acted incredibly stupid when it came to each other. So he pulled out his phone and called the one person who could help him make this look good.
"Foxy Roxy's" he heard.
"Hey Roxy, it's Bo"
"What can I do ya for Commish?"
"Listen, I just talked to John and he mentioned the two of you had a chat last night"
"We sure did" she said, "He still loves Natty and he won't do anything about it"
"Yeah, I know, and now she's going to marry Brody, so-"
"No she's not"
"It's a pretty recent development" he said, "Listen, I'm with you on this. They're both miserable and Natalie's only in it-"
"Cuz she doesn't think she has a shot with Johnny. And Johnny thinks she's fine with Brody"
"Yeah" he said, "You've forced them together before- what would you do?"
"Listen up" she started.
His headache was only getting worse. Normally his Irish genes limited his hangovers to just a few hours, but this one wasn't going away anytime soon. Some part of him knew it was probably because of this case, and mostly because of the conversation he'd had with Natalie earlier. He tried to make sense of the case, but he kept coming back to the same thought.
He'd never get to hold her again.
He loved everything about her- her smile, her laugh, how she ran her fingers through his hair, her smirk when she flirted with him, how she listened to him even when he wasn't talking, how she knew what he was thinking, how easily he could read her. But what he loved most about being with her were the times they just laid together, when she cuddled close to him and she was in his arms. In complete silence, they understood each other perfectly.
And he'd never get to do that again.
As if having to let go of Irene hadn't been bad enough. He couldn't wait for this day to be over. Now with Irene out he had to focus on Manning, and there wasn't nearly enough to make that stick, even if everyone was pressuring him to make that so. If only that damn gun would show up.
He spent most of the day filling out paperwork for Irene's release and thinking of how else he could find evidence in who killed Victor. He avoided leaving his office, not wanting to run into Brody or Natalie, or worse see them together. He knew he'd have to get used to it at some point, but he just didn't have the strength to start today. He was contemplating leaving early when Bo came in.
"You doing any better?" he asked, sitting down.
"Bo, I really don't want to talk about it anymore" he answered.
"You know you once called me on being jealous because Nora was dating Colson" he said, "Now you know you're jealous. Why don't you do something about it?"
"She's made up her mind"
"Do you want her to be happy?" he asked.
"You know how I feel about her" he said.
"Yeah" he said, seeing his friend in pain and hoping this plan worked, "Listen, I think we need to run the bullet again"
"For what?" John said, "All it's going to tell us is that it came from and eight millimeter, and we know that already"
"I know" he said, "Then maybe look through any other things that got bagged at the scene? It's all down in the evidence locker. There has to be something we can go on"
"Natalie's been over it more times than anyone can count" he said, "but if you think it'll make a difference-"
"Thanks, John" he said, "I'm going to head out soon, but let me know if you find anything"
John nodded and headed downstairs. He'd do anything for Bo, he was one of his best friends, but he really didn't see how any good was going to come of this. If anything, it was at least a way to kill time before he went home alone again.
"Hey Natalie"
"Hey Uncle Bo, what's up"Bo heard on his office phone.
"I know you're doing all you can on the Victor case-"
"I don't know what else to do"
"If you don't mind-"
"What is it?"
"Well, I know you usually sneak out of here around now, but maybe run the bullet again? Maybe there's another procedure you haven't-"
"Yeah, I can do that" she said, "Brody already left, so Liam's good, I can stay as long as you need me to"
"Thanks Nat" he said, "Call me if you find anything?"
"Will do"
She hung up the phone and sighed. She really didn't think running the bullet again would change anything, but she couldn't say no to Bo. It's not like she was looking forward to going home, anyway. After talking to John this morning she hadn't wanted to do anything, especially see Brody. She wished she had any semblance of a chance with John, but after last night, she knew it was over and after this morning she was raw. He'd shut down so quickly, it really sucked. She hadn't expected him to be happy and she knew he wouldn't ask her not to do it, even if that was what she had wanted. She'd tried all day to convince herself she was happy, that she loved Brody, that she was doing the right thing for Liam. None of that helped ease the inescapable feeling of loss she had over her relationship with John. She knew there was no coming back this time.
She entered the evidence locker and started looking through the box they had for the bullet. That was when John walked in. As the door slammed shut, they just stared at each other for a moment.
"Hey" she finally managed.
"Hey" he said.
"I'm sorry" she said, "I'm sure you're busy, I got what I came for, so I'll just-"
He closed his eyes as she walked behind him to the door. In another world, he'd have grabbed her and kissed her for awhile just for fun. Now, she could hardly stand to be in the same room as him. Everything today sucked.
"Damn it" she muttered. The door wasn't budging.
"What?" he turned.
"I hate to do this" she said, "Do you mind trying to the door. It won't budge"
If everything wasn't working against him right now, he might have actually smiled. She hated admitting when she couldn't do something, she usually avoided it at all costs.
He went to the door and tried. It didn't budge. He tried moving the knob the other way. It wasn't moving.
"No" he muttered, "no, no, no" he tried moving the door just a little at all.
"John?"
"It's locked" he said, giving up.
"What"
"This is the last thing I needed today" he muttered.
"I know I'm probably the last person you want to be stuck with right now"
"No, its not that" he said, wanting her to know that was far from true, "I just- haven't been feeling well all day"
"Is anything wrong?"
"No, just a headache. I- I drank too much last night"
"You don't normally have hangovers"
"Yeah, well, I don't usually drink that much"
"That's not like you" she said.
"Listen, Natalie, I feel crappy enough. I don't need a reminder of why I don't normally do this"
"Sorry" she said.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't snap at you. It's not your fault" he looked down.
"Can I ask what drove you to drink so much?"
"It doesn't matter now" he said, "Do you have your phone?"
"I left it on my desk" she said.
He almost smirked. that was just like her, she left it plain sight all the time.
"You know you really shouldn't do that"
"I'm the only FT that hasn't left yet, it's fine. Besides, I don't have pockets" she defended herself. He used to always get on her case for that, and it almost made her smile that not everything had changed, "And I'm sure you have yours"
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his contacts.
"I knew it. You know for someone who barely knows how to use that phone, you can't go five minutes without it"
"Yeah, well, occupational hazard" he joked, and he almost felt easy again with the bantering, "I'm going to call Bo"
She nodded and took a step back.
Bo had just sat down to dinner with Nora when his phone rang and he smiled when he saw the caller ID.
"Buchanan" he answered, as though he hadn't been expecting this.
"Hey, Bo it's me"
"You find anything?" he asked.
"Not yet, listen, have you left yet?"
"Yeah, Nora made us dinner"
"I hate to interrupt-"
"What is it?"
"Natalie and I somehow got locked in the evidence locker"
"What are the odds of that happening?"
"Can you come let us out?"
"No" he said, and he felt the victory already.
"What?"
"No, I won't" he said.
"Bo-"
"John, the both of you have been miserable for months. Now, you know as well as I do she doesn't want to marry him. If you just tell her how you feel-"
"Bo, I told you-"
"And now you can do what I told you"
"This isn't right"
"Well, if you really don't want to spend the night with her, I guess you could call Brody and have him let you out" he said.
"Bo-" he started.
"Tell her the truth" he said, "and I expect good news in the morning"
"Bo, I can't-"
"The ball's in your court, John. Just tell her, she'll be happy, I know it" he said and hung up.
Nora had listened to the conversation with much amusement.
"So, what was that about?" she asked.
"I locked John and Natalie in the evidence locker for the night" he said.
"You what?" she asked.
"Brody proposed and she said yes. Why, I don't know, but it's about damn time the two of them figured it out"
"You think it's going to work"
"John told me this morning he still loves her, that he would have told her if she hadn't said yes to Brody"
"Well" she said, "we both know if he'd told her that there'd be no wedding"
"Exactly. and- you see the way she looks at him"
"You've never pushed the two of them before"
"No" he said, "but I can't take this anymore"
"Well, here's hoping your plan works"
John hung up the phone in disbelief. He'd been set up. And yet, he already knew he wasn't going to call Brody. He knew nothing could come of it, but the thought of spending time with her was still exciting. And if he called Brody, well, he'd have to see the two of them together and he would do anything to avoid that.
"Is Bo on his way?"
"No, he can't get here til morning"
"So I guess we're stuck here" she said.
She was secretly thrilled at the idea. She could have asked him to call any number of people, Brody for one, but if she was honest with herself- she'd rather be with him than anywhere else, any day of the week.
"Yeah" he said.
He found a little solace in the fact that she didn't ask him to call anyone else. Maybe Bo was right after all. He couldn't think that way, it was a dangerous road to go down, and he wasn't so sure he could have his heart stomped on again.
"I'm sorry. I know you probably don't want to be stuck here with me"
"I'm sorry, too. I'm sure you wanted to go home"
She shrugged, "All that was waiting for me there was boxes to unpack"
"Still" he said.
She walked to the other side of the small room and sat down, an attempt to get some space between them.
"So you and Lovett set a date yet?" he asked, trying to sound like the idea didn't repulse him.
"No" she said, looking down, "we told my family this morning"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah" she said, "It didn't go so well"
He took a breath and sat down across from her, "They'll come around"
She shook her head, "No. Not this time"
"You doing okay?"
She shrugged, "I don't know. Mom's trying to play peacekeeper, but as long as Dad's in the house I'm not so sure anything can change. And I can't blame them, I screwed Jess over"
"No, you didn't" he said, "She and Lovett had been over for months. You would never do anything to hurt your sister intentionally"
After all that had happened, he still believed the best in her. Why didn't everyone else see it that way?
"Thanks" she said, "but you and I both know I can hurt people pretty bad"
"Nata-"
"No, don't make excuses for me. I've done that for months now. I hurt you, I lied, I ruined everything. Now I've done it again"
"Well, I've gotten over that. Jess will too, just give it time"
"She's my sister" she said.
"And you're hers" he said.
"I don't know that I'd be able to forgive what I did"
"Yes, you would"
"How do you know that?"
"You forgave me"
"What?"
"I slept with someone else on our wedding night"
"It wasn't our wedding night. Not after everything else that happened"
"Look who gets the excuses now"
"Yeah, but you were entitled"
"There is no good reason for what I did"
"That's not true. I hurt you really bad"
"And if I had just stopped the wedding and we had just fought, maybe you'd be right" he said, "but sleeping with Kelly just to spite you- there's no justification for that"
"You were drunk"
"You know, that's still an excuse" he said, "you forgave me right away. Jess'll come around"
"I hope you're right" she said, "we haven't talked about us like this in- well, I guess since I gave you the ring back"
He nodded. He wasn't so sure he should go down this road. It hurt too much to think about how stupid he'd been when he'd thrown her away over one mistake.
"Nothing?" she said, "Guess not much has changed"
"I don't-" he started before he got cut off.
"I thought we were getting better. I thought we were almost friends again" she said, "Am I that stupid?"
"You know I think you're far from stupid"
"But all the-" she started. The looks, she'd almost brought it up. He was looking at her just like he used to, before she'd ruined everything. Maybe he didn't realize, maybe he had no idea that it had changed. Maybe he didn't know one look from him made her feel infinitely better about herself. She stopped herself, "I just thought maybe you didn't hate me anymore"
"I never hated you"
"My mistake, it sure felt like it" she reacted, "but, you know, what do I know about you?"
Probably more than anyone did, he thought. If she didn't know him, then no one did. He had no way of responding to that without going deeper into this hole, and he already knew this wasn't going to end well, so he said nothing. She stood, began pacing, and he knew it was her way of trying to hide the fact that she was near tears, and he again hated himself for being the reason she cried.
"Amazing. You won't even- I've told you things I would never tell anyone else. You know that. I put myself out there for you over and over again and never got anything back" she said angrily, even though she knew that wasn't true, "And I knew, I knew what I was getting into with you, God knows we've done it enough times. I don't know why I thought it would be any different this time"
He stood, needing to feel on equal ground with her as she just leveled all they'd been through together like it was nothing.
"Hey" he said, "that's not-"
"Not what? Fair?" she exploded, "You want to talk about fair? I watched our relationship implode over and over again and you never cared"
"I cared" he said. He cared enough to let her go when he knew she was better off without him.
"Well you've got a funny way of showing that" she said, "every time, every time we got close you walked away without one backwards glance"
"You don't-" he started, and got cut off again.
"Do you have any idea what it does to me when you push me away? God, you were my best friend. Do you know what it felt like to know I was letting you down? That you were disappointed in me? That nearly kills me, John" she said.
He looked down. He hated what he'd done to her, how much he'd hurt her. She'd always been nothing but wonderful to him, and he'd hurt her over and over again.
"You make me so happy" she said through her tears, "Why can't I do that for you? Why was I not enough for you? Why couldn't you be happy?"
He knew her. He knew she was past her breaking point. What killed him most though, was that she didn't know how happy she'd made him. That he'd never been happier than when he was with her. That every time he'd ruined their relationship, he'd felt devastated. That even now, with her in tears and them fighting and shouting, he felt more alive than he had in weeks. He wanted to tell her so, he wished he could, but also knew that even if he could muster up the courage to do so, it wouldn't make any difference now.
"You had me fooled so many times. I'm so stupid"
"You are not -"
"How can you say that? How many times did I believe you? How many times did I really believe it could have been different? I fell for you over and over again and you never changed"
"I-"
"Don't try to tell me you did" she said, "I know I lied, that's on me" she said, "but you threw it all away, everything, like it was nothing. It wasn't nothing to me. You were my everything"
Except it hadn't been that she'd lied. He completely understood why she had. He was angry at her for having another man's kid, and he knew now how stupid that was, and after a few days of drunken rage, he'd really missed having Liam around. He missed Natalie more than that.
"Last night when I heard you and Roxy going at it-"
"You shouldn't have-"
"No I shouldn't have, but boy, did that help me out a lot" she yelled, "Knowing you were so done with me made it real easy to say yes to Brody"
"You didn't hear the whole conversation" he yelled right back.
"I heard enough"
"Damn it, Natalie" he yelled.
"Tell me, John, how did you do it?" she yelled, "How did you fall out of love with me? How did you do it so fast?" she yelled, "Or did you ever love me?"
God, he hated the look on her face right now.
"Tell me, please" she cried, "Cuz I've tried. I've tried so hard not to love you anymore. I can't. I just can't" she yelled, "But I'm happy for you, I really am, that you could fall out of love with me, cuz let me tell you, how I feel sucks" she cried, "I'm glad it was so easy for you, cuz I'll always love you and now I have to live like this"
"Stop it" he yelled. He couldn't take this anymore.
"No" she yelled right back, "Tell me how you fell out of love with me. I want to know"
He turned away from her. He couldn't look at her and not act on it anymore, not with how she was acting. He fought every instinct he had to not look at her anymore.
She shook her head and turned away from him. She hadn't realized how close they'd gotten in the small room as she'd been yelling. He backed down, and she hated him for it. How could he do this to her? She could hardly look at him anymore.
He felt her turn away from him and he threw it all away. He stopped fighting and gave in to every instinct he had. He grabbed her arm, pulling her against him and kissed her with everything he had. Immediately, she was kissing him back and he let go of her arm, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her closer, using his other hand to cradle her head. Her tongue danced with his and he hadn't felt so alive in far too long. This was what Natalie did to him, she could breathe the life back into his sorry existence. He leaned out to breathe, cursing the fact that he needed oxygen. He backed away a bit, but he didn't let go of her, just waited for her to open her eyes.
"I didn't" he said, with all the determination he could muster.
She was mesmerized by how close he was, he hadn't been this close to her in months, and the thought alone was enough to send her into a frenzy. His kiss had been everything she'd dreamed of and then some. She didn't back down from his stare, from his hypnotic eyes.
Then, he'd spoken. His voice was thick with something between sadness and passion. She searched his eyes, pretty certain of what he was saying, but this was one of those times she needed him to speak.
"What?" she whispered, fearing her voice would shake if she were any louder.
"I didn't" he repeated, "I didn't fall out of love with you" he said, and pushed a lock of her hair back, "I can't"
She waited a beat, just to be certain that this was actually happening. Then, she did the only thing she could think to do. She put one of her hands on the back of his neck and brought his lips down to hers and kissed him again. he kissed her back and she tangled her hand in his hair, not letting go and making him kiss her deeper. She could feel so much from just his kiss, she was sure her legs were bound to give out. He pulled back to breathe, but neither of them let go, and she didn't open her eyes right away, still drunk on his kiss. She could feel him, just a breath away.
"Natalie" he whispered.
He whispered her name and her heart jumped. It never failed to get that reaction from her, because that was not the way he normally said it. It was the way he'd say it when he was inside her and it was the only thing he could say. It was the way he'd say it when he gather her in his arms after they'd made love and run his fingers through her hair. It was the way he'd say it when they were alone and she could act on how it made her feel.
"I love you, too" she whispered.
He retreated just a little, but she felt it and it felt like a giant chasm. She opened her eyes, meeting his and she didn't let go of him.
"Natalie, we can't do this" he said, and he could hear the sadness in his own voice.
"Why not?"
"You're engaged"
He was so dumb sometimes, it amazed her. But she loved him just the same, loved that he'd willingly put aside everything he wanted to do what was right for her.
"Do you want me?" she asked.
"What?"
"Do you want me? Do you want to be together?"
"Of course I do. But-"
"No buts" she said, and she made him look her in the eye, "I'm going to call it off. That decision was made when you said you still loved me"
"I do"
"I know that now" she said, "I only said yes to him because of what you said to Roxy"
"I took it back, you must have left before that"
"Well, Roxy's always wanted me with you"
"So does Bo. he did this on purpose. Guess he knew what would happen"
"I was about ready to rip your head off" she said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it"
He pushed her hair back, "I know" he let his fingers play with her hair a little longer, "You're sure you want to do this again?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. You make me really happy"
"You, too" he told her.
She leaned up and into his lips again. Her heart fluttered and she was starting to remember how he could he make her feel. She leaned out, staying close, not wanting to stop.
"I've missed you" she whispered.
"I've missed you, too. A lot" he said, petting her hair.
"Make love to me"
The way she looked up at him, with all the love and trust in her eyes, it made him remember what it was like. God, did he want to, he wanted to say screw it, to throw away all the reasons it was wrong. But this had always been something special between the two of them, and he wasn't about to soil that for the sake of right now. He pushed her hair back.
"Not now" he said, "Not here"
She smiled, knowing what he wanted. A special night, just the two of them, hours for him to show her just how much he loved her. She nodded.
"Soon" she answered.
"Very soon, I hope" he smiled at her, "Come here" he said softly, and wrapped his arms around her, bringing her into a tight hug.
She wrapped her arms around him and settled her head on his shoulder, inhaling deeply. God, this felt right. For the first time in months, she felt like she was home.
He took a deep breath in from her hair. His dreams had tried, but that was a poor substitute for how she felt in his arms. He knew there was more that had to be dealt with, but for right now this was all he needed.
"You know me and Liam are package deal, right?" she said, though she already knew the type of answer he was going to give her.
"I've loved that kid since the day he was born" he told her and he leaned back to look into her eyes, "and I'm sorry I gave you reason to doubt that"
"I didn't. Not really" she said, "You know, the last few weeks the way you look at me, at him, it went back to the way it used to be"
He pushed her hair back, "You always said my eyes gave me away"
"Only to me" she said, smiling.
"It's late, why don't we sit, maybe catch some sleep"
"I don't want to sleep" she said, though she followed him against the wall, sitting next to him.
He wrapped his arm around her and she rested her head on his shoulder.
"We don't have to sleep yet, but I think Bo was serious about not coming til morning" he said, kissing the top of her head.
"I'll tell Brody tomorrow" she said.
He picked up her left hand, looking at the diamond ring for the first time.
"It's a nice ring" he noted, "new, shiny"
"It's not the one I wanted" she told him.
"Why not?"
"Well" she said, "I dated this guy once, it was pretty serious and he really looked up to his dad. When he proposed he gave me the ring his dad gave his mom. And I knew how much that meant to him, so it meant a lot more to me"
"Did I ever tell you-" he started, but chickened out.
"What?" she asked.
"I didn't give it to Caitlyn"
"No, you didn't" she said, "thank you" she said, "Do you still think about her?"
He almost smiled, "Sometimes" he answered.
"Anyway" she said, "I'm going to give it back to him. And then I- we can get back to what we want"
"Right away?"
"Why not? Bo gave us the perfect set up" she said, "and I'm kind of done wasting time. I know I want you"
"No complaints here" he said.
"I didn't think so" she said, smiling.
"I can't wait to have you all to myself" he kissed the top of her head, "I've been dreaming about you"
"Me, too" she whispered.
"It's going to work this time" he said, "third time's the charm"
She giggled, "I should have never taken him up on it" she said, "He didn't hold me like this"
He kissed the top of her head again, "It's over now"
She nodded, and they sat in silence for awhile, just enjoying each other. She looked at their legs, right next to each other, relaxed in the silence. Moments like this with anyone else made her want to crawl out of her skin, she usually hated silence. But silence with him made her feel at peace. She knew given enough time like this, she could fall asleep, but she'd been wondering recently, and she figured now he'd give her the answers.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked, though she didn't move.
"What?"
"After your accident-"
"I was a jerk"
"Yeah, you were" she said, "but that's not what I was getting at"
"Okay, well, what were you going to ask"
"We never went back to the roof. We were together all last summer and you never took me up there. Why?" she said.
"After the accident, I told myself the next time we were up there was when I would propose. And, well, things went south pretty quick and I just- I felt like I'd be failing you if we up there and I didn't" he said, "and last summer, that was part of it, I guess, but mostly- you were pregnant and I wanted you to be comfortable. It's not that I didn't want to"
"We didn't go up because you were worried about me?"
"I guess"
"That's very sweet of you" she said.
"I'll take you back to the roof" he said, "There's still a few weeks left of nice weather"
She smiled, "I'd like that a lot"
"Can I ask you a question" he asked her.
"Of course you can"
"Before the accident, when we were together" he started, pausing a second to keep his courage with him, "You moved in with me. And we never talked about it, I never- it just happened. Why didn't it happen last time?"
"I don't know" she said, "I was a lot more comfortable in Llanfair by then and I didn't want to screw up what we had, and trying to keep that secret from you, I didn't think it was a good idea"
"Would you have moved in if I had asked you to?"
"Probably" she said, "I didn't know you wanted me to"
"I tried to work up the courage to ask you so many times" he said, "I chickened out every time"
"Why?"
"You know I'm not so good at words"
She giggled, "Yeah" she said, "You still want that?"
"Of course I do"
"I only ask because- well, I can't go back to Mom's. not now. And I'm probably the only member of my family that could go back to the mansion, but- I don't know, I never really considered that an option"
"You really think your mom won't let you stay?"
"It's not mom. Dad lives there, too. It's a part of his arrest agreement" she said, "and that's not a battle I'm likely to win"
"They'll come around"
"How are you so sure?"
"They always do" he told her, "I've seen you and your sister fight before. You two- you're going to be better"
"I hope so" she said, "So I can move back in? For real this time"
"Of course you can. You know I never asked you for your key back"
"That kind of gave me hope. It was stupid, really"
He smiled, "It's not stupid. Making you ask Roxy for a key every time you wanted to come see me was stupid"
"Not one of my finer moments" she agreed, "Especially when she was crushing on you"
"Why would you ever tell me that?" he said, "It's so long before I can shower"
She giggled at his reaction.
"Like you didn't know" she teased.
"I didn't. I thought that was just Roxy"
"I learned my charm somewhere" she teased.
"She's going to be pretty happy" he said.
"Yeah, she is. Bo's going to be thrilled"
"Mom's going to say I told you so"
Natalie smiled, "She'll be happy for you"
"Yeah" he said, "your family will come around, too" he said.
"Not all of them"
"Clint and I are always going to disagree. I helped arrest him"
"Yeah" she said, "I get it, and believe me, it's not you I'm disappointed in"
He kissed her head, "You think this'll change how Jess sees you?"
"Maybe" she said, "It's going to take her awhile to get over what I did. We don't talk about it, but it took her awhile to get used to me and Cris, and they'd been over for awhile by then"
"But, she was the maid of honor at your wedding" he pointed out, "It'll get better. And until it does, you know, I'm here"
"I do" she said, "Brody asked for dad's permission and he said no"
"Like you need permission"
"I told him not to ask. I don't and I knew it wasn't going to end well"
He pet her hair, "Well, I don't think he's going to be any more thrilled with me"
"Most definitely not" she said, "but I don't particularly care"
"I know" he said, "I know that about you very well. Act first, think second"
"And you used to just call it stupid"
"You were never stupid. You always knew exactly what you were doing. Made me crazy"
She smiled, "I do enjoy making you crazy"
"You do it so well"
She nestled her head on his shoulder, yawning a bit, "I think so"
"Go to sleep, Natalie" he said, softly.
"But-"
"As far as I'm concerned, we have all the time in the world" he said, "It's late, Bo will be here in a few hours. Get some sleep"
Lazily, she leaned up and kissed him sweetly.
"I love you" she said softly.
"I love you, too" he answered her.
She rested her head on his shoulder and he kissed the top of her head one more time. It was going to be an uncomfortable night for both of them, but at least he was holding her again. Eventually, her breathing evened out and he smiled. God, he'd missed her. And now, soon, she was his again. It was only right, after all, he'd always been hers.
It was early, a little before six when he headed downstairs to unlock the door. He really hoped his plan had worked and that he was opening the door to two reunited lovers. The alternative was two people who were in a screaming match, assuming they both made it through the night. He took a breath before opening the door, trying to prepare himself for the reality that his best friend might be mad and that his favorite niece would try to lynch him.
However, he opened the door to find the two of them slumped over on the floor asleep. The good thing was that John's arm was around her and she was turned into him. A smile crossed his face.
"Wake up" he said, loud enough that he knew at least John would wake.
He watched John wake first, his face squinting a little as he adjusted. Natalie after a minute went to sit upright and in the process used his chest as leverage. It looked pretty good after all.
"Well, I guess I did the right thing"
"You did, boss" John said, rubbing his face, "gave me a hell of a sore neck though"
"Uncle Bo" Natalie said, standing and John followed suit, "thank you. I needed it"
"So" he said, "Did Brody know you were here?"
She shook her head, "I left my phone on my desk"
"He didn't call me" Bo said, "that's weird"
"I'll do damage control later" she said.
John slung his arm around her waist, a gesture he did casually, but so that she knew he was there for her.
"I'm just happy it worked out" he said.
"Me, too" John said.
"Can you both be back at 12:00?"
John looked at his watch, "Yeah, sure, boss" he said.
Natalie nodded, and Bo left them alone again.
"Thank God. I could use a couple more hours" she said, rubbing her neck.
"Yeah" he said, "but, um, we have six" he said, "You hungry?"
"Starved"
"I could unlock Rodi's. You can work on the grill and I'll work out all those knots in your back"
She smiled, "That sounds good to me. Just let me check my phone first"
The two of them went to her office, finding her phone nearly dead, but with a whole lot of texts from Brody. In all of them, though, she found that he wasn't all that concerned. His last text had just been a good night text at 11:30. She sighed. She supposed he couldn't have known something was wrong, or could have assumed she was too into her lab work to notice her phone going off. She replied simply, "long story, I'll tell you later when I see you"
"Ready?" he asked.
She nodded, and they headed out.
"This has been a very strange few hours" she said, taking her shot and sending one of her stripes into a pocket.
"Has it? I hadn't noticed" he teased.
"On top of being locked in an evidence locker, I had a burger for breakfast"
"Yeah, but we added those eggs on top"
"This is what I get for not eating dinner" she said, "I probably just consumed my entire day's worth of calories"
"But it was worth it" he said as she sunk the 8 ball, "so I guess you haven't gotten any worse"
"In your dreams, McBain" she said, and yawned.
"We still have a few hours before we have to go in" he said, "You want to go back to my place?"
"I thought we were waiting?" she asked.
"Just to sleep, Natalie" he said and she raised her eyebrows at him suggestively, "I'm serious"
"And when have we ever 'just slept'?" she teased.
"Plenty of times" he said, "besides, you're exhausted. I can tell"
"Will you hold me?"
"Yeah" he said, "Let's go"
It was a few hours later when he woke up. They hadn't bothered changing, too tired to deal with it. He saw his alarm clock nearing 11:00, and he was sure she'd want to go home and change before they had to go back to work, which meant he'd have to wake her up. Before he did, though, he tightened his hold around her and buried his face in her hair, taking a deep breath. This was the best morning he'd had in a while and he didn't want it to be over yet. Nonetheless, he knew Natalie wouldn't want anyone to question her wearing the same outfit as yesterday, so he gently shook her until she woke.
She moaned and stretched as she woke, feeling his arms still around her and smiled. It had been awhile since she'd been held by him, and she relished it. She met his eyes.
"That time already?"
"'Fraid so" he answered.
"It was nice to be in your bed again"
"Our bed" he said, "starting tonight. Again"
She smiled, and ran her hand along his face, "You're so good to me"
"I try" he said, "Listen, telling Brody-"
"I am going to tell him tonight"
"I know, just- tell me when you do. I know you have to this alone, but in case something happens"
"Okay" she said, "I should go, shower, change" she said, but she didn't move.
"And you're coming back to me tonight?"
"Yeah, I'm coming back"
"I love you"
"I love you, too" she said.
Unable to resist, he leaned down and kissed her deep. She dug her hands into his hair and kissed him back. God help her, she didn't want this moment to end.
"When are you coming home?" she heard John ask immediately upon answering her phone.
She smiled. She loved the sound of his voice, especially when he asked her that question.
"I'm packing up now" she said, "how did you manage to beat me, anyway?"
"It was a slow day"
"Uh huh" she said, "Are you up to something?"
"Now, why would you say that?" he said, and she could tell he was smiling.
"Well" she said, "I'll be home soon"
"And Natalie?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't forget, Lovett's keeping Liam for the night"
"And to think I wore a thong and it's a complete coincidence"
"You really are taking too long" he said, and even through the phone, she could see the mischief in his eyes as he said it.
"Alright, I'll see you in a few" she hung up the phone.
It had been one hell of a week. Telling Brody had proven difficult, though in the end, they'd admitted to each other they were in it for all the wrong reasons. He'd even understood that she wanted Liam to live with her and John, though of course he could have him for a night here or there if he wasn't on call. It was the first time they were trying it, and as hard as it had been on her to hand Liam over, John had assured her this was the best plan for everyone involved, and she knew he was right. Secretly, now that she was sure she could do this, she was thrilled to have an entire night alone with John.
They hadn't precisely kept it a secret that she moved in with him, and Brody had pretty much called her on it right away, but they were taking things slowly. Almost agonizingly slowly. She was hopeful tonight would be their latest 'first night' together, sleeping with his arms around her was wonderful, but it just wasn't cutting it anymore, and she'd been craving him all week. She'd even worn his favorite bra and thong for him, and she couldn't wait to see his eyes light up when he took her clothes off.
As she approached their room, she saw a sticky note on the door. She smiled, pretty sure already of what was on it. She picked it up, and her smile grew.
N-
I'm on the roof.
-J
She headed back towards the stair case, and up another two flights, feeling herself getting more excited with each step she took. When she opened the door, her heart overflowed to see him, with Christmas lights strewn above a pile of blankets and pillows. She knew her smile widened.
"You look real pretty" he told her as she shut the door behind her.
"Thanks" she smiled, and he kissed the side of her face, handing her a beer, "and thanks for all this"
"It was worth it"
"Pretty sure of yourself, aren't ya?" she teased.
"I meant- it was worth it to see your face when you got here"
She smiled. Sometimes, he really was romantic.
"So you disappointed?"
"Not at all"
She took a long gulp of her beer.
"It's a nice night" she said, "Probably one of the last ones"
"There'll be other nights" he said, "There'll be next summer"
"Yeah" she said, "Next summer"
They enjoyed their beers in amicable silence, sitting on the bed John had set up for them. Once finished, John took her bottle from her.
"You really didn't have to do all this" she told him as he sat back down.
"I told you I'd take you back to the roof" he said, "I figured, why not?"
"This is perfect" she said.
"Yeah, it is pretty perfect" he ran his hands over her jeans.
"I have missed you" she said.
"Yeah?" he asked, completely understanding what she was saying.
"Yeah" she said, "I've been dreaming about this"
"Me too" he said, "I've been dreaming about this a lot"
"So now what?" she dared him.
"Bring those lips here" he said, and grabbed her, kissing her deep.
She held on to him tightly, laying down, and they started to make love to each other.