Warnings: This is my first fanfic. Also the rating is only for one reference, better safe then sorry.
Disclaimer: I don't own Mai-Hime
I love you. I love you so much Natsuki.
I wish so badly that you would love me back.
Did you know? I really hate all the sports you make me watch. The games are boring. I know you enjoy it though Natsuki. I put up with it for you, because I know if I do I will see you smile. Your smile is so beautiful. When I see it it's the highlight of my day. I would do anything to see that smile.
Your videogames are the same you know. I hate them. I am not good at them yet you insist I play. Not only that but you like to play war games, the ones where you go around shooting people. Do you have any idea what that does to me? Natsuki I killed people. I killed them in real life. Not in some stupid game. Those days haunt my dreams. I shouldn't even consider them dreams anymore, they're all nightmares now. They get worse when you make me play. I do it anyway though, just for you, to see that smile, to see you happy.
It is getting hard though Natsuki. It is becoming so hard to be content with just that. I want more. I don't even want sex. Well, that's a lie, but I will never ask that of you. I just want simple things, like for you to come to a tea ceremony with me. Is that so hard? So terrible? I have asked a few times but you always refuse me.
Why can't we do something I like? Isn't that what friends do? I thought friends were supposed to make compromises. To sometimes do things they don't like for each other. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe only lovers do that.
But when I was younger my friends would compromise with me. Am I not your friend Natsuki? I thought I was…
You won't even go to a movie of my choosing. Whenever you ask I go see a movie you picked. They are usually the action films I hate, but I go anyway. I go because I know it makes you happy. You could even sleep in the movie, just come, please?
It makes me so happy Natsuki, that my presence is wanted. I am happy when I think that you want me in your life somehow. But Natsuki, I am getting tired. Do you even notice; I barely smile anymore? I feel like a slave sometimes. I would do any and everything for you Natsuki. But I am tired. Natsuki you can't even give me friendship and I ….I'm starting to wonder if staying is worth it.
I want to stay, I do; but this part of me says that if I do there will be nothing left. I think that tiny part is right. I can feel myself breaking; I know if I stay it will get worse. I have been like this for two years now, since the Carnival. And I know, I know you will never return my feelings, but is it so hard to ask for a normal friendship? If you can't will you set me free? It is hard for me to even think of leaving you, but if you can't give me something more, please help me leave.
I hope that you get into the University of Tokyo. Not just because it is a good school but because it is away from here, from me. If you are far away, and have a large coarse load, then you will have less time to contact me. I know it is selfish, but I need freedom. I feel like I never should have stayed at Fuuka. I should have gone to Kyoto for university. But I knew it would hurt you so I never went. I got accepted though. But you were so happy when I told you that I got accepted to Fuuka that I couldn't do it.
I want to make you happy Natsuki, I do. I love you, but I don't think I can stay with you any more, not at the cost of my mental health. I cannot resist the urge to be with you when I see you, that's why I really hope you get into Tokyo U. maybe if you do I will be able to break from your spell.
Do you know the worst part of your spell? I can never tell you. I am never able to tell you how much I hurt because I'm afraid it will hurt you. I never want to hurt you Natsuki, never. You are far too important to me. I write all this down hoping that I will have the courage to give this to you. I know I won't though. This is just the latest of many letters I have written hoping to give to you. But my courage won't last, it never does.
I always get scared of you never wanting to see me again. Of you wanting to stop being friends with me. Isn't that what I want though? Don't I want space? I am so confused, you make me so Natsuki.
This letter will probably end up with all the others, or maybe since it is being typed I will just delete the whole thing. No I think I'll print it. If I do that I have a better chance of giving it to you. Well here goes. Maybe I will finally have the courage to give this to you, if not... well maybe I'll get lucky and you'll set me free anyway.
A/N: My friend suggested that I write a confrontation scene where Natsuki finds the letter, if you guys agree with him I will do my best to write such a chapter.