"What is the now? Is there ever a now? For every now there is, another now has passed. I guess we never really know and maybe we're not supposed to know. For many reasons we are kept in the dark, not really shown the big picture, or given more than a glimpse. I used to believe, but, my hopes and dreams faded a long time ago... it was only a moment that changed it, a moment of impurity, of disgust, of incomprehensible words.
My mother always told me things would work out, everything would be okay, and we would go on and live the life we were born to have. Pretty crazy if you ask me because, if this is the life I was supposed to lead, then I wanna cash it in for something better. She sung songs to me, read poems by my side as my mind slowly drifted into dreamland. It was then I would see the light. It was beautiful. For the times I was asleep, everything was all right, and I would feel complete. Then I would wake in harsh reality but for a moment that pure existence would still be there... just a moment.
I guess that's what's kept me going, that longing to feel it for more than just a moment. Sure, things start off well and you're just a kid playing with the other kids and they play back and it's a whole bunch of Brady-like-fun... but as time goes on you learn things, see things, feel them... and once that comes inside you, it never lets go. Haunted by visions of your own memories, the things you've seen, the things you've done. And you try so hard to believe that there is a greater plan, that nothing that bad can last for ever... but the belief slips and all that is left is the feeling of being forsaken.
You see, truth is, we're all alone, and the only ones we can truly rely on is ourselves. I made the mistake of relying on the people around me - and I paid the price. No, I didn't die, it's much worse than that... I saw the people I care about, the ones I counted as family die a gruesome and chilling death."
The sun sets from outside the window and Winifred Burkle appears in front of it. She is aged, a lot, but she still looks like Fred. The wrinkles and loss of happiness disguise her well though. She turns to see her companion, an elderly man called Arthur. She shakes her head, a tear now falling down her cheek. "I've cried so hard these last decades. I've cried so hard it hurts to cry anymore, but I still do, maybe out of respect for them. This is my punishment... for forgetting for just a moment that he was gone," she stopped, taking a seat in the wooden rocking chair, slowly taking a hand to her tear and ending its trail. "Charles died for me when a demon attacked. He took the wound and it killed him. It took me years to get over that and in that time I never once stopped thinking about him... but then I kissed the other man and just for a moment I forgot. For one second I didn't think about him and this is my punishment. Because of that I saw Lorne, Connor, Wesley, Cordelia, and Angel be slaughtered... and when it was over I was stained with their blood. Blood of my loved ones..."
She trails off, more tears taking their spotlight on her wrinkled skin. She tucks a strand of greyish hair behind her ear and leans forward to Arthur. "What is the now? There is no now, there is only then... and that's where I have to go," she stands, her frail shadow creeping over him. She pulls out a well hidden knife and plunges it into his chest. The blood spills as he gasps for life. She shakes her head in pity, pulling her hand up to stroke his hair. "Don't worry, my dear. When I change it all, this won't of happened... and I can live happily ever after."
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