TMNT= Not mine.
The first part might be familiar to you if you've read the bonus chapter in Petshop Turtles. It isn't a canon/canon romance but I had to toss it in here since it was the origin of my tendency to whip up ridiculous pairings. The rest of the fic however will feature pairings probably have never been put together before and it should have probably stayed that way. I'm just so tired of seeing either terrible Mary Sue OC romances or badly written TC smut fics so I've decided to explore some canon alternatives. All of this is crack and in no way meant to be taken seriously.
"Hello Raphael."
Raph awoke to the sight of Bishop smug face peering down on him. "What are you up to this time?" he groaned tiredly as he discovered that each of his limbs had been strapped down.
Bishop paused in his gloating. "This time?"
The turtle sighed and rolled his eyes. "This is the five hundredth time you've caught one of us for some ridiculous purpose, like random inexplicable torture, brainwashing, drug testing or freaky attempts to impregnate us for reasons I don't even want to consider. Which one is it?"
The agent considered the question, "Drug testing," he muttered unenthusiastically, his bubble burst.
Raph stiffened in self-righteous fury. "But why?"
"What?"
"Why do you need to test your drugs on US? You have enough money to build an army of clones! Surely you could clone yourself a few test subjects instead of using a mutant turtle which has a completely different biology to a HUMAN. It doesn't make SENSE! Unless you're planning to develop a substance that works on only four individuals in the entire UNIVERSE which would be a complete and utter waste of time and resources!"
Bishop scowled and readied a needle, full of a glowing red liquid. "Shut up!" he said, as he pumped the unknown substance into the turtle's bloodstream. "This is for SCIENCE!"
"And you're doing it all wrong!" Raph snapped. "You're supposed to try and frighten me with your crazy explanations of what exactly the drug will do BEFORE you inject me with it!"
"Well, you threw off my mojo with your calm acceptance of the situation! Besides, it's drug testing! We don't know what it does; hence we're using you to find out!"
"So, you're telling me it could do anything from turning me into a kangaroo to making me breath fire?"
"Yes!"
The turtle settled sullenly against the medical bed. "I can't wait for this to be over."
"The feeling is mutual turtle!" Bishop sulked, watching a computer display of Raphael's vitals.
About ten minutes later, the machine started beeping fearfully. As Bishop tried to make sense of the feed out, Raphael's body experienced an extraordinary change, one very similar to what Bruce Banner underwent every time he transformed into the Hulk.
"Hrrrrrghhh!" with a bellow, Raphael broke free of his restraints and went on a wrecking rampage throughout the lab.
Bishop retreated to the lab's security and watched the turtle decimate the small army that patrolled the lab. It was all rather depressing until Raphael burst into a room and proceeded to ear rape a panda.
"Huh," he said, "Someone make a note of that. We don't want any pandas in the area when we deploy troops that are under the influence of D232J."
"Sir," Doctor Stockman said, watching the screen with a detached sense of astonishment, "I didn't even know we had pandas in this base. Isn't that your room? Why do you have a panda locked in there anyway?"
Bishop calmly reached over and blasted Stockman with a concealed rocket launcher. "Anyone else got any questions about that panda?"
His minions shook their heads. "Good, hopefully the rest of the turtles will show up soon and fix up my mess. I'm going on a vacation, so have fun."
…..Unfortunately the turtles were unable to get Raph under control until after he raped a volcano. The poor volcano.
It collapsed into a caldera in shock.
Ah…Disneyland.
The crowds, the screaming children, the overwhelming odour of cotton candy and the stench of thousands of bodies forced into a limited amount of space. Perfect. Agent Bishop smiled as he ushered Panda out from the very inconspicuous stretch limo and quickly cut straight through the long queue to the entrance. Being a government agent had its perks after all, and they included not having to wait in line like everybody else.
There was a reason why Agent Bishop hunted down aliens and it wasn't because they'd fucked him up back during the Civil War.
But this was perfect, Panda had been incredibly traumatized after being raped by the rampaging Raphael Hulk and this was the first in a long line of prime holiday locations Bishop had booked out for the next six months as he tried to help his partner get over the incident.
"Mummy, why is Po wearing a spiked collar?" a small boy tugged anxiously on his mother's arm as he gazed wide-eyed at Bishop and his companion as they stood in the queue for the Ferris wheel.
The boy's mother looked up and frowned, her mouth worked for a few moments at the sight of the bondage collar then she sighed and shrugged. TV show characters always had the strangest get-up.
"Kung Fu Panda 2," Agent Bishop said, knowingly. "Po gets one in the next movie."
That fulfilled his corrupting-the-next-generation quota for the day. No one else batted an eyelid at the sight of a panda in bondage gear. Time pleasantly drifted by as they visited various rides and attractions. It was going well, far too well in fact.
Murphy's Law decided to swiftly assert itself.
A small child of indiscriminate nature collided spectacularly with Bishop's legs. Despite his vast amount of training and cybernetically enhanced reflexes, the agent's lemon sorbet splattered onto his expensive, handmade dinosaur skin shoes. The ones he'd cloned himself an actual tyrannosaurus rex and then subsequently hunted down and killed unarmed.
Agent Bishop was very good at killing things after all. He needed to keep his skills sharp.
Understandably, Agent Bishop was rather distracted and upset over the untimely demise of his sorbet and its rude decision to commit suicide over his shoes. Not everyone had dinosaur-skin shoes you know. If it had to make a mess, why couldn't it have missed his shoes and splattered harmlessly to the ground?
He snarled angrily at the small child. Ignoring the mother who was threatening to sue him (note to self: Two subjects for experiment #321 have been found; be sure to give them electroshock therapy beforehand), he looked up to realise his companion had vanished into the crowd.
A flash of brown caught his eye, a figure in a trench coat that bore an uncanny resemblance to the ones the turtles wore when they thought themselves to be particularly stealthy and needed to mingle up close with humans (admittedly the disguise seemed to work, which is why he was going to replace the human race at some point with genetically modified pod people who had their eyes checked at the very least) ducked into a Ferris carriage.
Agent Bishop clicked his tongue in fury.
Raphael. His archnemesis and rival for Panda's affection.
With superhuman agility, Bishop launched himself onto the carriage. The crowds beneath him shrugged dismissively at this impossibility, this was Disneyland after all and things were bound to be strange.
The government agent growled in anger at the scene beneath him. The turtle was making out with HIS PANDA! Bishop smashed through the glass easily and levelled a glare of death at the terrapin.
"That's my panda!" he snarled, hating the slightly whiney and pre-pubescent edge to his voice. He was going to be mature and cool about this, the fact that the turtle had completely and utterly messed up his day was a minor thing and he was going to calmly smashed Raphael's face in for this offence, he wasn't going to get angry, he was-
WHY THE FUCK WAS RAPHAEL IGNORING HIS DRAMATIC POSTURING AND MAKING OUT WITH HIS PANDA?
Raphael cocked an eye-ridge confidently at him and flipped him the bird. "I think not," the turtle replied.
That tore it. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Fine! Bring it," Bishop easily settled into back into a defensive stance, he could take down all four terrapins at once, this was going to be a breeze.
Raphael watched him from a moment, then he cracked his knuckles menacingly and climbed to his feet. Except-the turtle was getting larger. And more muscular. Belatedly it occurred to Agent Bishop that his last serum had had lasting effects on its test subject.
To his credit, Bishop lasted twenty minutes. Disneyland was completely trashed in the epic battle, the childhood of millions of Americans ruined. The government agent could only watch helplessly as the Hulk, er Raphael dragged his panda away for whatever lustful purposes the turtle had in mind.
One day, Bishop swore to himself, one day he'd reclaim Panda from Raphael's grasp.
The continuous twitching of his left eyebrow was the only testament to how deeply disturbed Master Splinter was. "Raphael," he said at last, "What are you planning to do with that panda in bondage gear?"
Mikey sighed as he watched his brothers and the acolytes skip off to merry-astral lala land. Meditation was sooo boring. Not to mention the instructions that Kon guy gave weren't exactly the easiest things to follow. He glared at the floating mystical ninja; of course you just need to clear your mind!
But when one was the Mikester, clearing his mind required shutting off his inner-fanboy who was constantly plotting and replotting new storylines for X-men, Star Wars, Harry Potter and Batman all at the same time. It was damn near impossible. Correction. It was impossible. His brain was overflowing with ideas, mainly because he was in an ancient temple and being taught how the Force actually worked and he just couldn't stop them. It had been exciting the first night, staying awake for far too long, figuring them out but now he was completely exhausted and in no condition for meditating.
Everyone was so still. Surely they couldn't all be meditating. Okay, Leo and maybe the acolytes since he didn't know them very well could do it. But Raph and Don had the same basic ability level as him and he knew Raph was far more likely to be daydreaming over the Shellcycle and Don was probably planning the next upgrade to said vehicle than being all bad-ass mystical and floating about in astral land.
Mikey snuck a glance at Raph. There was a little bit of drool in the corner of his brother's mouth. Yeah. He wasn't meditating. Probably dreaming about the girls on Baywatch or something. And Don was all stiff and rigid, not giving off calm, empty mind vibes. Good job bros.
With the other acolytes he couldn't tell. Either they were meditating or they were way out of it like his brothers. But that was okay. Leo was doing things right and that's all that mattered.
Mikey carefully leaned close to his brother. Now, he wasn't the best person getting himself centered in his happy place. But what he was good at was highjacking –souljacking actually- the energy of someone else already in the astral plane and using it to give himself a boost up there. He'd developed this skill particularly because often in their attempts to teach him to access the astral plane, Master Splinter or Leo would walk him though the steps, then allow him to hitch onto them when they made the transition.
He'd become so good at it that when he did it (on Leo, because there was no way he was going to risk Master Splinter discovering his little short-cut for getting out of meditation), during group meditations when Mikey was supposed to be doing it on his own, his brother never actually noticed that he'd pick up an extra passenger. Mikey would then skip off, leaving Leo none the wiser. It was a brilliant system.
Leo's energy flowed gently around him. With practiced ease, Mikey latched onto to his brother conscious and pulled himself up into the astral plane. Then stopped. And gaped. Dumbly.
His brain broke.
He screamed.
Mikey's sanity was never restored after stumbling upon Leo and Kon engaging in astral sex.