Summary - Rodney finally goes nuts and his minions are the ones on the receiving end. Crack!fic
A/N – Written for the sga_flashfic prompt last year. Aliens made them do it.
Not All That Barks is a Dog
John sat in his quarters with a mirror in one hand, using the fingers of his other as a comb. He ran his hand through his hair and studied the effect in the mirror. He frowned at the strange eyeless creature taking up residence on top of his head.
He was just about to try something drastic, when his radio chirped, "Zelenka to Sheppard."
John sighed and took his feet off the desk. He shot a wistful look at himself in the mirror and tapped his headset, "Sheppard here."
"Oh, thank goodness!"
John narrowed his eyes and cocked his head to the side, admiring the sudden sultry expression that adorned his impeccable features in the mirror.
"I'm a little busy, Radek," he said in a kind voice. "What's up?"
"It's Rodney."
John sighed heavily, "What's he done now?" He didn't wait for an answer, "Is he accusing Kavanagh of putting a lemon in the air vents again?
"No."
"Is he checking to make sure no-one's hiding ZPMs in their laundry?"
"What? No!"
"Is he still trying to figure out how to play the Canadian National Anthem through the Jumper's external speakers?" Although McKay had claimed it was the best test song to use…
"No. But I wish he was…"
John gave his reflection a puzzled glance, "Alright, you've got me. If it's crazier than that…"
"Yes, he is trying to kill us all. You must help!"
John frowned again as he listened, "Radek, is that music?"
"Help!" cried the reply.
"Okaaaaay," John drawled. "Be right there."
He cut the connection and shook his head. His hair wavered back and forth, and he took one last look at his visage of manliness before placing the mirror down and heading to the science labs.
The music hit John the moment he left the transporter. It wasn't Earth based, but some form of techno-Ancient. Crystal chimes, swishes and tinkle drums. The rhythm and chords were a little off and he cringed as he approached the Ancestral din.
As he got closer a strong falsetto voice cut above the racket. Not in singing, but in shouting. Snapped orders, anger and insane ranting greeted Sheppard as he walked through the door.
McKay was standing red faced and panting at the front of what looked like the whole science team. Each person stood on a square and McKay called out the commands, "Left… right… left, left… right… jump… clap… turn and clap!"
Many of the people were missing the beat even with Rodney animatedly showing them the moves.
Suddenly one of the scientists missed the next step. Rodney shouted at him, but what the floor did was punishment enough. It zapped the man and he fell down and lay still.
Rodney looked at his colleague and a shadow passed over his face. The others were looking horrified, but Rodney quickly snapped out of it, shook himself, clapped loudly and yelled at them, "ZedPMs people! Get back to it!"
Sheppard went over at a crouch to avoid Rodney's gaze and dragged the scientist away. He found a pulse and the man was already stirring, but he called Carson and Ronon anyway.
"Sheee-ppard!" Rodney screeched, and John flinched.
"You and your hair can join in too!"
John silently begged Carson to hurry with the gurney as he stepped closer to Rodney, avoiding the floor panels and the out of breath people around him. He spotted Zelenka who was in full flow of the clap-shuffle.
Rodney glared at Sheppard, his eyes aflame with a thousand furies and his sweaty face shining with the waters of irritation.
"You will all worship at the altar of Rodney McKay!" he cried. "You will all do everything I say, when I say it!"
Carson and Ronon entered then and a red light flashed through the crowd and struck Rodney in the chest. He glanced down at himself in surprise as the stun beam spread throughout his body. He mumbled a short, "Oh!" just before he crumpled into John's waiting arms.
The scientists, along with their associated atonal thumping, stopped abruptly without their ringleader to guide them.
John thought the room deactive with his mental control, he just left some emergency lights on.
Carson relieved John of his Rodney shaped gift and plonked him onto the waiting gurney with Ronon's help.
"Can anyone tell me what happened?" John asked the scientists now milling around without purpose and looking extremely sheepish.
Zelenka said, "We were following his orders like we always do. You know how he is, Colonel. He can be very… vocal… about projects and how he wants them done."
"So you'd stick your fingers in a live Jumper circuit if he told you to?"
Zelenka and many of the others lowered their eyes.
"Anything to avoid the wrath!" Someone shouted, and few others laughed.
Kavanagh sneered back at Sheppard and said, "We may have… spiked… his coffee with that drug you brought back from Nerangia."
Radek asked, "You mean the one that made them all loopy?"
Kavanagh bristled and said, "Huh, sure. McKay told us that it made them do hilariously crazy things."
Sheppard glared, "Like trying to kill everyone and themselves?"
"Well…"
"Rrrright," Carson barked using his Scottish accent to overdose on 'r' rolling. "Detox, restraints and no more coffee for anyone!" He emphasized his points by strapping Rodney down to the gurney by his wrists and ankles.
There were groans all around the room. The science department only kept going due to drinking too much coffee. After all, they looked to Rodney to set an example, and his daily life could be measured in cups of coffee per hour when he was stressed.
"Ach, that won't do…" Carson mumbled and then proceeded to pull straps over Rodney's forehead, chest, waist and thighs. He nodded in satisfaction, "Much better. Let's go."
John clapped his hands and everyone in the room flinched. "Right then, back to work everyone. No more music and no more crazy dancing!"