Please do not read if mature themes disturb you. They include: language, talks of suicide, depression, cutting (may be triggering) rape. Dark fic.
I do not own Naruto, all credit for Kishimoto
"Why… Why is it that I can't stand people touching me? Why do I panic and cry when they get near me. I know you know what happened. And I know you're the reason I can't remember. Please, tell me what happened." Tears streamed down Naruto's face as he begged the old man.
10-30
…
What's the difference between life and death? Well, if I had the answer I wouldn't be asking, now would I? And I definitely wouldn't be in this place. Uzumaki Naruto here, age ten. I'm writing this stupid entry because it's part of my rehabilitation. Whatever that means. I guess they're trying to help me? I don't know if it's working though… What am I supposed to be talking about? I don't remember. So I guess I'll start from the very beginning.
Five years earlier
The villagers were evil people. They had always hated Naruto for no reason whatsoever. They'd made his life a living hell. And once he began with the practical jokes, they hated him even more. Soon they took out their anger and frustrations on him; they'd throw rocks, or words, or anything that they could get their hands on. He was constantly berated and treated like dirt. Why's it always me?
And then out of the blue he was ignored wherever he went. Even when he went to buy groceries the clerk would leave the checkout counter as soon as he saw Naruto approach. It stung. This was even worse than before. The pain was unbearable.
10-2
…
The night when the moon was full and the stars glittered like diamonds in the midnight sea, was when Naruto lost it. The night was black in his memory, like it'd been suppressed somehow. He woke up in the hospital to strangers, medics poking and prodding at him. His throat seized and his heart raced like it was going to beat through his chest.
"What're you people doing?" He ripped his arms out of their grasp; they were taken by surprise at his sudden consciousness and stood dumbfounded for several moments.
His whole body ached and there was a pounding in his head, but he had enough energy to spring out of the hospital bed. He backed up in a defensive stance guarding himself from the white monsters. Their touch's sent fire searing down his flesh and caused his stomach to churn and clench. He couldn't let them get near him again.
"Naruto, we're here to help you." The medic in charge slowly approached the boy with hands held up, assuring the good intentions. The panic was too much for Naruto. It'd worked its way up to the back of his throat and now sprung to his eyes.
"Please, no." He desperately warded them off with tears flowing over. The medic was able to grab both of his arms and another rushed to aid him. He grabbed Naruto's legs and got kneed in the eye in the process. After a great struggle they finally put Naruto back in his bed.
"Now Naruto, stop squirming!" The medic couldn't control the flailing limbs and ordered the other medic to restrain him.
"This is for your own good."
"Don't what... Don't touch me!" His eyes were round orbs, swimming in a lake of tears. His head was shaking side to side and his breathing became ragged.
"Naruto! Ngh, calm down." The medic was still having trouble getting the IV and blood transfusions to connect so there was no choice. The needle stuck surely into Naruto's neck and within seconds of receiving the injection, he was out cold.
10-3
…
When he came to, the blinding light burned his eyes. The morphine running through his systems caused him to feel like he was drifting high upon a cloud. From the corner of his eye he could tell the guest chair in the room was no longer vacant.
"Old man…" Naruto acknowledged him with a grim expression. The Fourth looked like he'd been there all night. His clothing was wrinkled and the bags under his eyes must've grown three times in size.
The Hokage stood and approached Naruto's bedside.
"Naruto."
"Tell me…" He looked down averting his eyes.
"What would you like to know?" Though he needn't ask. The little boy in front of him wasn't the same one he'd sworn to protect with his life. It had to be a mistake. His throat welled up and his arms and legs went weak. He didn't think seeing Naruto like this would affect him so much, but it was like seeing his own grandchild completely broken in front of his eyes.
"Why… Why is it that I can't stand people touching me? Why do I panic and cry when they get near me. I know you know what happened. And I know you're the reason I can't remember. Please, tell me what happened."
The Hokage's face softened as he clasped his hands in deep thought. "Naruto, they were going to- the things they did to you… They're things a boy your age shouldn't know about." The old man looked off out the window to the bright blue skies. He gave a thoughtful hmm and continued. "Kurama will tell you in due time." He reached to pat Naruto on the head but jerked back his arm when Naruto flinched. "Goodbye."
"Wait don't leave. Help me! Wai- Tell me who Kurama is!" Naruto shouted after the retreating figure.
Without another word the Hokage left the empty room with Naruto to consider everything he'd been told.
After he finally got out of the hospital, he was exhausted. The stay had been taxing both physically and mentally.
He stayed in his apartment for a week straight. Never stepping foot outside once, not even when he ran out of ramen and tea. It was better this way, safer.
When he finally left his apartment, it was like nothing had changed. The people were still as bitter and obstinate towards Naruto. Everything in his world was slowly turning to grey. There was nothing that brought life back to his meaningless existence. Even the thought of becoming Hokage seemed to swim down the drain of despair. There was nothing he could hold on to. He was just floating through life, no way to prove he was actually still alive.
The date was 10-9… This is when I started with my… therapy sessions. It was on the Hokage's orders that I come here every week. He thought it would be in my best interest. Because I went through a traumatic experience that I didn't even know about. The first couple sessions didn't help at all.
10-15
…
The first time he did it, it was an honest accident. He was reaching for a seal when the kunai nicked his forearm. It was a minor abrasion that he normally would've paid no attention to. It was when he got back to his apartment and in the shower that it began to burn. It stung as the hot water traced over the small cut, but it felt so good at the same time. Something inside him told him this was a good thing. He liked it. He glanced around the shower for anything sharp… there was nothing in plain sight, so he stepped out of the shower, suds still bubbling on his head. He rummaged through his medicine cabinet and found it; a shard of glass that'd come from the bottle of mouth wash he'd dropped months ago.
He held it in his hand, staring at it, studying every groove and ridge that ran down each jagged edge. In a snap decision he drew the shard over his forearm, too soft to draw blood. The burning sensation felt good. It left his brain tingling, aching for more. He squeezed the glass harder and jammed it along his arm leaving a bloody trail. The sight of blood made him dizzy and the cut felt like his arm was on fire. It felt… good. He watched the blood form into droplets growing bigger and bigger until they spilled in tiny streams down his arm.
Shit, The blood was falling to the floor, It'll probably get stained. Oh well.
This was good. It was a distraction from the former life he'd existed in. If even just for a little while it would help him escape from the hell on earth, which was good enough for him. The cuts healed unnaturally fast though. He would perform his task every evening and by morning there'd be nothing but silver lines running across his skin.
I never told the therapist about this. But it's not like I ever lied to him. In my first session they asked a series of questions and one included have you ever thought about hurting yourself or others? I said no, but I wasn't lying because I hadn't started this.
10-23
…
Soon his left arm was covered, up and down with white scars, some skinny some wide and bumpy. The sight of them disgusted him. He hated to look at himself in the mirror. All of the scars, all of the disappointment. But it's a good thing… it helps me to deal with… everything. I'll stop when I'm ready to.
"Are you back in school Naruto?" Dr. Sekko crossed his right leg over his left and scribbled quickly into his notebook.
"No…not yet." Naruto shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
"Why's that?" He said glancing from his notes.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Why not?"
"It's embarrassing… I'll start crying."
"Why?"
"Because… it makes me think…" Naruto started sniffling. "About other people. And being around them."
"Why do you think that makes you tear up?"
"I don't know, okay? That's why I'm here in the first place!"
10-30
…
And here I am. Writing paragraph after paragraph because I'm too crazy to talk to real people. It's all in my mind they're saying. At least my therapist doesn't hate me like everyone else… He just…
"So Naruto, how is it coming along?"
"Oh, yeah I kind of got off topic… but I'm done for today!" I gave a shy smile and handed it to Dr. Sekko. He politely nodded and scanned over scribbles humming to himself.
"Well, you certainly had a lot on your mind today. How do you feel after writing all this?"
"It's good to get it all out I guess."
"Is there anything you want to talk about for the rest of the session? We have about fifteen minutes left."
"I, I don't want to be scared of people…"
"Do you think there is a logical explanation for your fear?"
"I woke up in a hospital but I don't know how or why I was there."
"Maybe you don't want to let yourself remember because you are embarrassed of how you ended up there?"
"I didn't put myself there! I wouldn't hurt myself on purpose…"
"According to-."
"Shit, that was just a couple times. I don't do it anymore."
"There's no need to be embarrassed, you're not the first. However, this is a serious issue."
"It was just a couple times but I haven't done it in a while!"
The fifteen minutes seemed to drag on forever and I was glad to be out of that office. It's true the doctor didn't treat me like a disease as everyone else did but I still didn't feel completely comfortable with him.
The old man wouldn't have just anyone be my shrink though… would he? Maybe I'm just being too vain.
1-19
…
It's been months of fucking therapy. And I still have no goddamn idea what happened. They say I'm just trying to protect myself. But I know this has something to do with a memory suppression jutsu. And the stupid therapist won't even listen to me. Dammit!
I yanked the shard of glass over my arm over and over again. The pain- no the ecstasy flooded through my body. More…
I still can't let people touch me. Fuck! Another mark.
I still cry when they're inches away! Dammit! Three more long lines appeared horizontally on my forearm. I was splitting open the marred skin that hung from my aching bones. With every stroke I was going deeper and deeper until…
I was falling from a great height and landed with a splash on a concrete floor which was covered with an inch of water. My body was twitching and I was still bleeding out as I struggled to stand on my own two feet. Through the cage I could see two large red eyes glaring at me.
"Hey, what the hell do you think you are doing, stupid brat." The low voice rumbled out.
"What are you?" Truly curious, I crept closer to the cage.
"What am I? I'm the last thing you'd probably want to see right now." The demon fox barked out a ragged laugh and began again, but more seriously.
"If you keep this up you're gonna end up killing yourself. And what the hell do you think will happen to me if you do?"
"I'm not gonna kill myself…" Heat rose to my cheeks and I flushed. "If I did, it wouldn't be on purpose. Besides I don't even know who you are why would I care what happens to you anyway?"
"Listen you little runt! You owe me your life! Why? Because, I am the one who saved you from those despicable humans."
"Wait, what do you mean? You know what happened!? Please, tell me!"
A sinister laugh seeped through the bared teeth of the demon fox. The wicked smile stretched from ear to ear and his eyes glinted with malice. "Do you really want to know?"
I nodded enthusiastically, though my stomach was tossing like the ocean.
The demon laughed some more and said "Don't say I never warned you." Then my vision went black.
10-2
…
Everything was hazy. The woods were filled with an ominous stillness but somewhere in the distance he heard the rough voices of men laughing and talking. He followed the sound to the third training ground. Out in the open he saw himself! And surrounded by three other men.
The image that pursued caused him to become nauseous and dry heave.
"Look at what you endured." The fox purred.
The man with the half mask straddled Naruto's back side and thrust into him while the other man entered him from the other end. They took their time with him, playing their little games. It made Naruto sick to see how long this disgusting act lasted. Finally, the third man took out a handful of shuriken and began to aim them at Naruto's exposed ribs. They would shout things to each other, and sometimes to the fallen boy, but Naruto couldn't hear from where he was hiding. It went on for an hour; each man would take his turn with Naruto while the others entertained themselves. Finally when the third man was finished, they left a crumpled boy on the ground, stripped from all clothing and dignity.
Naruto saw the three men conversing over the body, when suddenly one drew a kunai. He knelt down to the fallen Naruto and rolled him on his back.
It happened so quickly that the hidden Naruto wasn't sure what happened; at an instance the three men were circled around Naruto, and then a blinding light bloomed from the center. The boy was now on his feet completely cloaked in red chakra. Five tails whipped around the black and red body of the boy as he rampaged onward. The men were terrified, they had no idea what was happening. All three were screaming and running away but the tailed monster was too quick. He ruthlessly struck down each man one by one.
The image faded back again to the dungeon that held the fox demon in the cage.
1-19
…
"Well, did you see what happened? They were about to castrate you and leave you to bleed to death. But I saved you."
You just saved yourself… I thought bitterly to myself. My stomach still felt nauseous and I heaved until I threw something up. It was blood.
The demon fox laughed again, mockingly at the despicable sight in front of him. "Well, aren't you going to thank me, ungrateful imp?"
"Oh, yeah. Thanks." I wiped the blood from my mouth and started to back away from the cage. "How do I get out of here?" I was numb now. I was in shock from what I'd witnessed. I needed something, anything to distract me from… that.
Not too soon after my arm began to tingle. I looked down at my arm and saw the caked on blood turn to crimson sludge. Then the silver lines reverted into itching scabs, and then changed again into fresh wounds. My whole arm was on fire, but my brain was filled with mind-numbing bliss- or was that because of blood loss?
"What're you doing?" I croaked out. The demon merely grinned its mischievous grin. He understood me. Almost too much.
"Take off the seal… and I'll get your revenge on all of those people who hurt you. Those who despise you for no other reason than being alive. Take it off, let me destroy them. They're the reason you mutualize your own body. Why you can't stand the touch of other people." The voice of the demon was mesmerizing. With the last sentence he whispered in my ear, my fate was fixed. "Just take off the seal… and it will all go away..."
END
Since this is my first story I would appreciate any and all feedback, thanks! Hope you enjoyed.