I stood over the console, my eyes fixed on the holographic map which led to my brother. Rey had found him earlier this week, and he's been alone in his room ever since. Luke didn't take the news of his friend dying well. No one did. Why would they?
I sighed a stressed breath, exhausted and overwhelmed, and ran my hand over my head to undo the braid I had put it in. This provided a momentary, yet fleeting, sense of relief. This work was important. All of this is. We didn't lose fighters and time for nothing. The First Order was crippled, but not defeated. Remnants of its despotic system were spread throughout the entire galaxy. It was still there. After all this time, all my life, there is always another vile totalitarian regime around the corner, waiting to rise and infect the galaxy. I barely remember a time when we weren't on the run. A time when we were happy. And safe. A time when we had faith in our government. A time when we weren't fighting against the thing that was supposed to protect us and our rights. Hopefully, when the First Order is completely obliterated - smeared off the stars like the stain that it is- we will find peace.
I looked over my shoulder to the stool behind me. I couldn't remember the last time my legs had a rest, so I decided to sit down. My stiff body instantly relaxed when I hit the stool and I sighed once more. I started to stare once again at the map, not exactly sure what I was trying to see, and then my eyes drifted past the map to the wall, in a daze. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun around in my seat to meet the eyes of Commander Poe Dameron.
"Get some rest, General. You haven't slept in days," he urged.
"Thank you, Commander, but I am fine. There's still work to do," I debated while I tried to fight the desire to sleep away. I got back on my feet and leaned over the console, hoping that he would just leave me alone and not press the issue any further.
"Ma'am, Luke is safe. The First Order won't recover for a while, at least not before you get a good night's sleep in. You can't be at your best if you're so tired."
I paused for a moment. Or it could have been forever. Finally, I nodded slightly, and started to walk to my quarters. When I arrived, I wearily slipped off my jacket and sat on the cot to pull off my boots. I left the rest on, partially because I was too tired to take it off, but mostly in case I was needed. I lay facing the ceiling on the hard, stiff bed.
Now comes the hard part. I hesitantly closed my eyes, knowing what feelings would follow. I hated sleeping now. I despised closing my eyes and I loathed escaping from the hectic life of leading the Resistance...because that's when it becomes real...that's when everything becomes real. At least when I was awake and busy, I could postpone the feelings. Memories came flooding back to me - memories of Han and Ben.
I remembered our wedding night. I remembered how we kissed, and how it was different from all the other times we had kissed. That time, it meant 'forever'. It meant that now, no matter what problems we were faced with, we would face them together. It wasn't as passionate as the kisses he left when we first made love and it wasn't as soft as the bewildered kiss he planted when our son was born. It was sincere. It was new. It was an unaffected kiss of promises, of candid strength and indissoluble love. It was the kiss that changed their lives. I don't remember much else, because nothing else really mattered. It was a big event and many people were there, but I only cared about Han, Luke, Chewie and the droids, my friends since the very beginning and till the very end.
A year later, Ben Solo was born. On his first birthday, Han bought him one of those hologram boxing games, like the one on the Millennium Falcon. Ben loved seeing the little aliens fight, even though he couldn't actually play with it yet. Luke was busy training new Jedis to come to the party we threw, but he sent a book. Every night until he turned eleven and deemed himself "too old" for children's books, either Han or I would read from it until he fell asleep. Our family was nothing close to perfect. Han sometimes left for a week at a time, helping his old smuggler contacts with a load. We always used to fight, but we always got over it. We were
One night, during Ben's early training with Luke, he unexpectedly returned home, He wept and said that he was having problems with the other children. He said that they were being rude and he got into fights. For a while he didn't understand that Luke had to punish him for his actions, regardless of their shared blood. We thought he resolved the issue. But he didn't. For the time, we were happy. I was happy.
But that couldn't last. Good feelings never seems to last. I turned to face the fall, bringing my knees closer to my chest. Then the tears came. Instead of fighting them, like I used to try to do, I welcomed them like an old friend. Tears...that's the only constant thing in my life now. Tears and fear- the fear that one night, as we all sleep, the First Order will come and kill us all. It's happened before to others. Innocent people were brutally slaughtered. They took my son away from me. They turned him into a killer...a monster. Not all victims were casualties. Han and I had prayed that there was still hope for him, but now...now I don't think there is.
The tears came more forcefully now, and I choked back my sobs so that no one could hear me. I still had to be strong, and that's the worst part about this. Everyone expects me to stay strong and lead us to victory, no matter who or what I lose. I have to be strong, because leaders have to be strong. Without a strong leader, the Resistance would fall. But that didn't change matters. My family is dead. My home planet is long gone, along with everyone I knew. The Rebellion and the Resistance became my family. War became my family.
More memories came now, and I brought my hands up to my head to swat them away. I remembered when Ben lost his first tooth, when I found out he was the one who killed the Jedi pupils, and when Rey told me Ben had killed Han. He had always blamed himself for losing his son to the Dark Side, and that's why he returned to his life of smuggling and other illegal excursions. But his death...it was all my fault. Why did I have to tell Han to bring him home?! Part of me knew Ben...Kylo...is unable to be saved. And Han…
My thoughts drifted and I began to shiver. I wasn't cold. In fact, I was sweating. I closed my eyes in preparation for another sleepless night, overwhelmed by emotions -some good, most bad- as pieces of my shattered life came swelling to my eyes.
My husband is dead. The son I knew is dead. And for the longest time, I thought my brother was dead. Two of the men who I loved most in my life are gone, as so is any hope for a future with them. They're just fragments of a future long forgotten.