I'm so crazy.
Law must consider me a total fool, but he would've never guessed that I've gone crazy over him. It could've never occurred to him that a single word may have such a significance and change so much in a person's life. Today, when he called me 'Cora-san' for the first time, I was under the impression that happiness could blow me from the inside. Yes, it is happiness that I feel now - an emotion that I've forgotten completely over the last twenty years.
Well, I can't really say that one word actually changed something - at the very most, it added, expanded, completed. It helped to understand. The change would happen if earlier, at some point, at least once had I regarded him as an annoying brat, a nuisance, a revolting and evil being that I wouldn't want to have anything to do with - but I never did. How could I think of that miserable child this way? If there were any negative emotions he evoked in me, it would be due to the fact he was so hell-bent on staying with the Family and consciously wanted to become a second Doffy. Silly boy. Doffy has been an evil incarnated from the very beginning, while Law was a good kid. He is a good kid.
In spite of the name, kids shouldn't be in the Family. Adults are adults, they can decide for their own, but children have right to live far from those monsters. I already failed thrice and - save for a miracle - Dellinger, Buffalo and Baby 5 will stay with Doffy and contribute to the calamities my brother is going to bring down upon the world. It is a bitter realisation, but I can bear with it, knowing that Law will never return to the Family. I won't let it happen, even if it's going to be the last thing in my life. Those six months we've spent together only strengthened my previous impression: Law belongs to a different world and presents a different quality than the Donquixote gangsters. Even if the cruelties he'd experienced, influenced his personality, they didn't change his very essence, that core hidden under the thick layer of hate he assumed. Life bent him, but didn't break him. I can see with my own eyes that half a year was enough for Doffy detoxification… enough time to remember who he really is.
I fell for who he really is.
Law is so smart. If you took all the Family members - save for Doffy - and total their intellect up, Law would still be above. Needless to say, he is brainier than I am, and he just keeps amazing me. He is bright, perceptive, and always clear-headed. He calmly analyses the problem and searches for the solution. Of course, such a belief in logic and reason can be a fault, too; rational people are rarely optimists, capable of faith and hope, while it is exactly faith and hope that Law needs the most now. Well, I have enough of them for the two of us, and besides... I'm positive that after half a year will to live must have sparked even in him, no matter how much he tried to stifle it in order to not be disappointed later. You moron, will to live is your strength, not a weakness! Believe it already!
Law is also sensitive and has a heart, although you need to look carefully to find it... or spent a few months alone with him. Life hardened him in a way that I find difficult to forgive - but there was really no other way to survive. He is tough like hardly any adult, both physically and mentally. He bears with his pain without complaining, even though his illness must make him suffer terribly...! Loneliness forced upon him gave him strength, but at the same time it almost completely robbed him of something more important: respect and need for other people. I have no doubt that, if he stayed in the Family, in the end he would become a cruel and conscienceless person, for my brother would corrupt him, ruin the rest of good in him. However, Law is a child of the doctors, and while I know all to well that even the best parents can bring forth real monsters, it wasn't the case here. His origin, his upbringing, everything he experienced before the tragedy of the White City... It still stays deeply in his personality, unchanged, even though the Amber Lead Syndrome and the annihilation of Flevance twisted and warped him. Why, the very same Law that never showed tears in the Family, would cry in every single hospital I took him to, completely defenceless against accusations, fear and curses that fell upon him. The very same Law who would commit terrible things by my brother's order, would try to stop my violence fits when I was close to raze to the ground those places where ill should received help, not meet with rejection. It's not the way someone who lost their humanity acts... and I'll do everything so that he never forget he is a human. I'm not going to give him to Doffy for his own ruin!
When that poor child appeared before my brother, speaking of his own death without emotion, without any fear, it was more horrible than any cruelties committed by the Donquixote criminals. There are tons of injustice one could complain about in this world, but to meet a ten-year-old boy who knows he has three years of life left and realises he can't do a thing to change that sentence, is distressing in a completely different way. Still, as he was standing there and speaking of his disease, what prevailed in his eyes was not despair or insanity, only calm determination... which was even more terrible but also impressing. Of course, Doffy was both amused and interested, and above all calculated if he could benefit from taking in a disillusioned boy who wanted only to destroy. Just like me, he must've noticed Law's superior intelligence right from the beginning; he probably quickly imagined that accepting him in the Family and subjecting him to the long-term brainwashing, he would raise himself a devoted and useful tool. After all, you don't come across such diamonds like Law everyday, and my brother sees a person's worth only through their usefulness. I have no doubts he really hoped that we would find a Devil Fruit capable of curing the boy from the White City before his final.
And even though I hoped for that myself, at the same time I wouldn't stop wishing that Law left. I hoped he would understand his place was not in the Family, and leave Doffy. Of course, it was foolish on my part. Where should he go? What should motivate him? He knew he had just three years, two years, one year left... He knew the whole world considered him a monster. He knew there was no point to his life. (And just thinking of it makes my heart ache, for no child should feel that way). In the Family, he at least could belong to and do what he wanted. For two years, I had to look how he simulated to the gangsters he stayed with... how that brilliant kid who should be a great doctor and save lives, dirtied his hands and soul with mindless slaughter. Sometimes, however, I could spot a light in his eyes - light I never saw in his companions - and even confusion or disgust, as if he just noticed what kind of sewer he found himself in and had no idea why. I observed him all the time - and couldn't help him, for my mission restricted me.
I've known for long that lost children often needed only someone to stretch a friendly hand - yet I didn't dare to do even as much. In truth, I should've taken Law away much earlier, but I gave priority to my task. Two damn years must've passed before I understood that I shouldn't imagine myself saving the world if I can't help a single child, who is suffering next to me. Maybe I wouldn't have grasped it at all if he hadn't revealed his real name. Now I know that 'D' was never a cause, only a stimulus. Six months ago I was certain that Law had to live so that Doffy didn't win; now I know he must live for himself. I'll do anything to make it happen.
'D' is of no importance, but if I hadn't learned of it, the two of us would still be by Doffy's side, awaiting our respective doom. This journey has been a folly, right from the start, but we will find joy at its end. No, that joy has found us already, for even though Law still has the death sentence upon his head and I still have my mission to resume, in a way we are free. This freedom is an illusion, a temporary mirage... yet when we're at sea, when we can see only waves all the way to the horizon, clouds over our heads and flying gulls, then we are able to forget, just for a moment, everything that awaits us on land. Such occasional detachment from reality isn't bad.
Our goal is still out of our reach, but those six months has already given us... given me much more than previous years. It may be that Law still sees me as a bad guy who kidnapped him (but he called me 'Cora-san' today, so he can't possibly hate me...?!), yet I wouldn't trade that time for anything. To be frank, I still find it hard to grasp how much his presence has given me - and still gives. When I snatched him, I was driven by fear for myself, compassion for him, urge to help, and need to oppose the destiny. I decided to find a cure for his illness, for everything in me said it was the right thing to do, and my only asset - stubborn sticking to hope - made me search for rescue. Then, I also can't deny it that he reminded me of myself; although we are so different, our stories are unpleasantly similar: both he and I lost everything and were left to our own fate in this evil world. But there is also good in the world, and it should be passed on; just like I was once saved by Sengoku-san, I want to save Law now.
In any case, I was sure I would be the one to give and he would be the one to receive - more or less willingly - yet now, after six months, I don't even want to imagine our parting... and the thought of returning to what was before fills me with utter repulsion. No, I'm almost sure that after all that there will be no return to Doffy or the Navy for me... but it's pointless to think of the future. For now, I wish only for two things: that Law is healed, and that our journey never ends. I may resent my fate for many things, but for meeting Trafalgar D. Water Law I am truly grateful. I catch myself wondering how I survived until now and remained sane. When I fall into an extremely exalted mood, I am under the impression that my whole life aimed at that encounter, which is so foolish, right? It is... and I can't stop smiling.
Law gave me company. He gave me right to have voice, laugh and vocalise my feelings. After several years, I am allowed to talk normally - and to someone next to me, not hundreds miles away on the other side of a Den Den Mushi. To be able to communicate by sound seems a luxury that I didn't really realise before. Law must consider me an utter moron due to my constant talking, but he can't know what it means to be forced to remain silent for a longer period of time. I just can't keep quiet when I no longer need to; I want to finally stay in a voice contact with another person. For years, I was separated from others by an invisible wall - and even though there was no in the Family I wished to talk to, I sometimes felt crushed by that feeling of alienation. Even though ability to keep silent was crucial for my mission, the urge to answer another person, comment or ask something achieved the status of a genuine wish at some point.
Now that I'm allowed to speak, I talk all the time, joke, even sing. Occasionally, I manage to draw Law into conversation, often into argument, too, to help him shake his constant dejection. Despite his composure, such unnatural in a twelve years old boy, Law - in certain situations or due to certain stimuli - can be easily provoked to a violent reaction. And when we remember how exceptionally bright he is, his retorts are sharp, and his comments are biting, and that, too, is wonderful (even if every word of criticism pierces my foolish heart like an arrow). What makes me the most happy is when I succeed in getting an honest and spontaneous response out of him, not a deliberated and calm opinion that he normally may even consider his own. Those moments when Law unawares takes off the mask of an adult and reverts to that twelve-year-old boy, are very precious and reduce the distance between the two of us.
Then, Law gave me the opportunity to show emotions... no, to simply be myself. In the Family, I'm Corazon - an absent-minded idiot and antisocial mute, cruel fool behind the buffoon's mask and painted creepy smile. I play my part so well that even my own brother assumed it to be truth - since I 'returned' to the Family, he's never, not even once, called me by my real name; to him, I'm just Corazon. Corazon is detached from reality and lives in his own world; he completes his tasks like a machine, and in free time he torment the kids and damages himself in every possible way. No-one knows what goes on in his head - but does Corazon have a mind on his own? No-one knows what goes on in his soul - but does Corazon have any heart? No-one ever saw Corazon cry. No-one ever heard Corazon laugh. Even if Corazon is Doflamingo's own brother, even though he eats and drinks like others, smokes and sleeps, hurts himself and bleeds, he isn't really a man - he is just the Corazon of the Donquixote Family. I have no doubt that is how my bother's gangsters see me - and it should be exactly that way.
When with Law, I'm myself more than I was for years... but I have to admit that nowadays I'm somewhat different from who I used to be. A bit of Corazon, a bit of Cora-san (starting today!), a bit of Rosinante, a bit of Marine Commander. I have troubles describing myself as life shaped me, and it is easier to point at what drives me: sense of justice, loyalty to Sengoku-san, wish to stop evil (which means Doffy) and urge to help Law. In last months, the last one obscured everything else. I sympathise with Law's misery, and realisation of his suffering is excruciating. I mourn for him, comfort him, and support him in fight for life. I feel for him and wish I could share his pain. I would gladly cut off my arm or leg if it might bring relief to him. And, at the same time, I am furious with those mindless people who call him a monster and reject him. I feel rage and uncontrollable aggression when their fear and callous crimination make him cry. The hospitals are equipped with the sprinklers, so no harm to the patients could happen, but many of those bastards calling themselves the doctors will need a very long rehabilitation - and I don't feel guilty in the slightest upon that thought. Most of the time, however, I only acknowledge my helplessness; I can do nothing for Law except for seeking the cure... except for staying by his side. So I stay and keep laughing (laughter is the best medicine), and hope that he will one day smile back. Well, of course he will - once we find the cure, once he recovers. I can imagine it - that sincere and genuine smile, not that smirk of cold superiority - and the bliss of it brings me to tears. Ah, but after years of hiding my emotions even weeping feels like luxury; it reminds me and strengthen me in belief that I, too, am human.
Even if the cause of our travel – and our coexistence - is far from pleasant, Law's presence fills me with inane happiness. He delights me, his company is enjoyable, and I'm ready to do anything for him. He is the first one in my life to make me feel this way, and I can't really comprehend it yet. So far, I've met many people - people important to me - but those relationships pale in comparison to this hurricane I find myself in now. I loved my parents but couldn't do anything for them. I admired my brother, but he went the path I couldn't follow. I respect Sengoku-san, for he restored my life and gave me place to belong to, gave me sense and mission; I am greatly indebted to him. When in the Navy, I had several friends, and I know I can still count on those people. I was quite popular amongst the female part of the base personnel; I even had a girlfriend, although that affair ended before turning into anything more serious. All those relationships have been important to me, and I keep them in my memory and my heart, but all of them also fitted the set norms, the prescriptive limits of situations and expectations. Everyone loves their family. Everyone cherishes their friends and is loyal to their saviours. Everyone has affection for their first love.
Everyone is ready to quit their mission, abandon their loyalty and go against the law for a little boy sentence to death...? I wouldn't hesitate to do so. I won't hesitate to do so. Once we find the cure and Law recovers from the Amber Lead Syndrome, I won't regret even having become a criminal hunted by the whole world. To Law, I want to be a brother, father and guardian angel, and everything he wished me to. He brought light in my life, filled my loneliness with his presence, and made my actions gain real sense. He gave me strength and motivation. When I'm with him, I am under the impression that even someone as worthless as I achieve something good.
In spite of that, I keep deceiving him. The longer our journey lasts, the more I fear being rejected by him, had he learned about my affiliation. Little Law, who suffered so much because of the World Government, just cannot forgive. His hatred for the Navy is perfectly understandable... and I selfishly don't want him to hate me. His dislike for me is great already, as I kidnapped him and forced him to repeatedly relive the hell of Flevance when we toured the hospitals. If he knew who Donquixote Rosinante really is, he wouldn't let me stay by his side, while I want him to think highly of me. But... he called me 'Cora-san' today, and it must be a good sign...! My only consolation is the promise I made to myself; one day, when the truth will no longer be able to divide us, I'll tell him everything. I'll confess him all that!
There's tons of things I wish I could tell him, but for now the smile is enough. Law, and no-one else, makes me happy, makes me able to still laugh, despite all that tragedy... No, it is his presence that fills me with such joy that laughter comes naturally. Then, I keep laughing like crazy and hope that one day - soon - it'll be able to pierce all barriers around his wounded heart and convey what I still don't dare to put into words.
We set out to find the cure for Law's medical condition. After six months we're still empty-handed, and it may seem nothing has really changed... but that 'Cora-san' of today convince me that the process of healing his soul has already been more effective I could've ever expected. We will, without fail, find the remedy for the Amber Lead Syndrome, too, but Law won't be truly saved until his heart is cured. That, however, is my lightest concern; if my love can make it, then... we're as good as victorious.
After all, that love would be enough for more that just one lifetime.