A/N: Hello lovely people! I am back at it again with my Joshaya stories. I plan for this to be a two-shot, and the second chapter is currently in the process of being written, so I hope for that to be posted within a week. For this story, the main six are 24 years old, and Josh is 27 years old. In any flashbacks for this chapter, Maya is 18, and Josh is 21. Anything written in italics is a flashback. I have included Rucas as part of the story, but for this two-shot, the only ship that really matters is Joshaya, so if Rucas is not your preference feel free to change that in your mind. Other than that, I hope you enjoy! :)
Maya looked around at the bustling dining room, filled to the brim with friends, family, old teachers, people she hardly even knew, all looking just ecstatic and ridiculously formal.
Maya would be lying if she said that she wasn't excited about her best friend's first baby shower, but she also couldn't hide the sadness she felt deep down. Looking at all these people, their lives figured out and moving towards new phases, Maya couldn't help but feel that she had been left behind in the dust.
Despite baby showers typically only being women, Riley and Lucas had insisted that the party include both the important men and women in their lives. This just amplified the hurt for Maya. Riley and Lucas were about to have their first child, Farkle and his wife already having two of their own. Smackle had just recently gotten married, and Zay and his girlfriend were not far behind, everybody predicting that the pair would be engaged before the year ended. So where did that leave Maya?
As she saw Shawn, who she now considered her father, approach, she couldn't help but smile. He was always the first person there for her when she was down, never hesitating to take action.
"What's got you down, kiddo?" he said, sitting down, putting a loving arm over her shoulder.
"It's nothing, dad. Really." Maya said, trying to reassure him.
"Maya, I've known you long enough to know that whenever you say, 'It's nothing, dad.' it's probably important. So spill." he said. She didn't even know why she bothered trying to convince him. Nothing ever got past him.
"I don't know. I guess I just kind of feel left out. You know Lucas, Riley, and Farkle are already in the parenthood stage, Smackle just got married, Zay isn't far behind. I don't know. I just feel like the universe kind of just forgot about me when it decided things for me and my friends." she said, fiddling mindlessly with the table cloth.
"Hon, I know what you're going through. I went through it when Cory and Topanga got married and started having kids. And like I told you girls when you were in high school, I had to learn that I didn't want what they had. It was hard to get there, but it was the truth. You have to stop beating yourself up over the fact that you don't have what your friends do. You are a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful young woman, and one day some guy is going to be the luckiest man in the world to have you." Shawn finished, giving Maya a tight squeeze.
"Thanks, dad." Maya whispered with a smile. "I'm gonna go find Riley."
"Atta girl." Shawn said with a smile.
Maya found Riley exactly where she had expected: the food table downing more pickles than Maya thought could actually be appetizing. She was talking with her mom and grandma, making happy conversation about how lovely of a shower it was so far. Riley, of course, couldn't help but shower Maya with praise; she had planned most of it after all.
"So Maya, any men in your life?" Amy asked.
Maya internally sighed, knowing that Amy was just trying to make conversation, not poke at the fact that Maya was practically the only single one at this party.
"Unfortunately, no. But I'm not giving up hope just yet." Maya said with a forced smile.
"Oh, good." Amy said, brushing her hand on Maya's cheek. "I know Josh is very excited to see you."
This caught Maya off guard.
"Josh? Josh is coming?" she questioned.
"Of course, Maya. Why wouldn't I invite Uncle Josh?" Riley asked.
Maya could give Riley eight or more reasons why she wouldn't have invited her Uncle Josh.
"I don't know. I just figured everyone was here already." Maya said, a lame excuse.
"He had a meeting in Philadelphia this morning, but he should be here soon." Amy said with a smile.
"Great." Maya said, as enthusiastically as possible.
Only Topanga picked up on Maya's false excitement. Amy didn't know any of the story, Riley knew it but had been told by Maya that it was now 'water under the bridge'. Topanga was the only one in this group, scratch that, at the entire party who knew both the entire story and the raw feelings Maya still had leftover.
"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get a drink." Maya said, suddenly parched.
She went over to the drink setup, knowing there wouldn't be alcohol, but wishing that someone would pull out the strongest bottle of whiskey this joint had. She settled on a big glass of sparkling cider, the closest she could get to a drink with any semblance to an alcoholic beverage.
"You okay?" Topanga said, suddenly appearing near her. "I know Josh is kind of a sore subject."
"I'm fine. I'll be fine." Maya said, another sip of her drink gone.
"Hon, it's okay if you're not." Topanga whispered, rubbing her back.
"It's really okay, Mrs. Matthews. I was just... shocked is all. I haven't seen him in so long, ya know?" Maya whispered back.
"I know. Well I'm right here if you need me, and if you get overwhelmed and need to slip away for a bit, I've got you covered, alright?" Topanga said, putting a strand of Maya's hair behind her ear.
"Thank you, but I'll be fine. Really." she said, giving her most convincing smile.
Topanga squeezed her hand before wandering to find Cory.
Maya made her way back to Riley who had now found her way to their friends. The six of them joked around, talking just like they used to and just like they always would.
Maya heard Riley's phone buzz before anyone else did, and Riley pulled it out to check it.
"Oh! It's Uncle Josh!" she said answering it. "Hello? Hi! Yeah, you're at the right place. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah, just come inside and tell them you're with the Friar party, and they'll direct you. Awesome. Okay. See you in a minute. Love you!"
Maya felt her stomach turn. How long had it been since she'd seen him? A year? Two? Maybe even three? How many since that fateful day? Five, maybe six? She felt a little silly still trying to avoid him. Anybody else would have been over it by now, but Maya knew she wasn't like everybody else.
She thought back to the Christmases, birthdays, Easters, Thanksgivings, she hadn't spent with the Matthews simply to avoid facing Josh. The excuses she had given Riley to explain her absence. Had it been worth it?
Too late to contemplate her life choices now because Josh came striding through the door, red button up and black dress pants on and black shiny shoes to top it off. Maya had seen him look good, but she wasn't prepared for the sight of him to literally make her heart skip a beat. To make matters worse, he was headed straight for their group, taking notice of his niece and her husband among them.
"Uncle Josh!" Riley said, opening her arms for a hug.
"Riley!" he said, just like always. He handed her a gift bag. "For my grand niece or nephew. Hard to believe. 27 years old, and I'm already gonna be a Great Uncle."
Riley chuckled, and Josh moved down the line, hugging Lucas, giving Farkle and Zay bro hugs, and an awkward handshake for Smackle. They had reached each other now.
"Maya." Josh said, sadness in his eyes.
"Josh." Maya whispered. She had wanted to not show her weakness. Now it was a little too late for that.
The five other friends looked at Josh and Maya's reunion. Riley and Farkle both knew what was going on, but both believed that Maya was fine. Lucas knew enough to piece together Maya's feelings about Josh's reappearance. Zay and Smackle were living in ignorant bliss, never having been told what went down.
"Well, I'm gonna go find my mom and dad." Josh said, awkwardly making his exit.
Maya audibly let out the breath she had been holding as he walked away. She thought she had been ready to at least see him, at least say hello. She couldn't have been more wrong. Without a word to her friends, she slipped off to find Topanga.
She found her with Cory and Eric.
"You okay, honey?" Topanga said, concerned after catching a glance at Maya.
"Can't breath." Maya started. "Josh." she added in, only loud enough for Topanga to hear.
"C'mon sweetie." she said, quickly taking her shoulders and pushing her towards the door, towards fresh air.
Once outside, Maya felt her airways open slightly. Why couldn't she face him? Why was this so hard? It wasn't like he had abused her or cheated on her or anything. So why did she panic every time he was around?
"I'm fine now. I'm fine." Maya said, finally being able to take a normal breath.
"Sweetie. This isn't normal. You need to take a minute. You can't be strong all the time." Topanga said, squeezing her hand.
Maya shakily nodded her head, sitting against the brick of the building. It was something she forgot all the time: that she wasn't made of steel and nobody expected her to be.
Suddenly, both women heard the door slam open. Just her luck, it was Josh, looking as handsome, perfect, and utterly punchable as he had since that day.
"Josh, I think it's better if you just go back inside." Topanga said, as a warning.
"Please? I just want to talk to Maya. Five minutes, that's all." Josh pleaded.
Topanga gave Maya a questioning look, to which Maya gave a nod. Topanga gave her another look indicating that she wouldn't be going very far.
"Hi." Josh started, putting his hands in his pockets.
"Hi." Maya said, eyes flitting to the ground.
Memories flooded Maya's brain, as she looked at Josh. Memories that were simultaneously beautiful and horrible and perfect and wrong. Memories she couldn't afford to think about right now, but memories she thought about anyway.
Maya woke up to a pair of strong arms wrapped around her torso. It took a minute for her brain to remember where she was, and then suddenly it all came flooding back to her.
Heat.
Clothes coming off.
Pain.
His constant reassurance.
"Does that feel okay?"
"Am I going too fast?"
Pure bliss.
Maya couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. She hadn't gone into last night expecting to lose her virginity, but it somehow felt right. It felt like that was how it was supposed to happen.
"Good morning, gorgeous." Josh said, kissing where her neck met her shoulder. It made her shiver ever so slightly. "How do you feel?"
Again, a smile bright enough to light up all of New York City made its way to Maya's face. Josh always made her feel special. Josh always made her feel safe. She knew that nothing he could do would ever hurt her.
Maya turned over to face him, staring into his beautiful eyes. "I feel... better than I've ever felt."
"I'm glad." Josh said, a smirk across his face. He pulled her in closer, kissing the lips he craved every time he saw her.
Maya felt her stomach do flips, as she thought about the fact that this could be what life with Josh would be like after she graduated from NYU. Waking up in his apartment, giddy after the previous night's event, eating breakfast together.
"I can't wait to do this all summer." Maya said, smiling as they broke apart.
Josh suddenly became silent and rushed to get out of the bed, insisting he make them coffee and breakfast.
Maya shook the memory away. She refused to let it cloud her thoughts.
"I'm sorry." Josh said, taking a seat next to her.
"For what?" Maya asked miserably.
"You know what I'm sorry for." he said.
Maya wouldn't let him have the satisfaction.
"No. You don't get to waltz in here after six years and say that to me. I wanna hear you say it." Maya demanded, her voice more firm than she had expected.
"I'm sorry for leaving." Josh whispered after a short pause.
Leaving. Just like her dad. Just like she had worried everyone else would. She had never thought Josh would have to be one of the people she worried about.
"You're not sorry you left." Maya said bitterly.
Just as Josh was about to open his mouth to protest, he shut it. She had him there. He hadn't been sorry for leaving. Not then at least. He had a once in a lifetime opportunity in front of him. No, he wasn't sorry for leaving.
"I'm sorry for how I left." he said, guilty. That bared a bigger resemblance to the truth.
"You okay, babe?" Maya asked, wrapping her arms around Josh's waist from behind, as he made coffee.
"Yeah, I'm fine." he said unconvincingly. Maya could hear his heart beating in his chest.
"Can we talk?" Maya whispered.
Josh cleared his throat nervously but nodded.
They made their way back to the bed, perching themselves on the end.
"Is this about last night?" Maya asked, suddenly sure of it. "Do you regret..."
She trailed off. She couldn't even begin to articulate the fears and doubts she had about what had been the most beautiful night of her life.
"God, no!" Josh said confidently. "No, this has nothing to do with you. This is all me."
"What's going on?" Maya asked, the worst possible scenarios immediately coming to mind.
Josh let out a sigh, not meeting her gaze. Maya grabbed his hand.
"Josh. Whatever it is, you can tell me." And she meant it. In her mind, nothing was too horrible to fix.
"You know how I told you about that internship? The really awesome one where I'd get paid and everything?" he asked.
Maya nodded, not understanding.
"I got it." Josh said dead panned.
"Babe! That's amazing!" Maya said.
His expression didn't change.
"What am I missing?" Maya asked, clearly confused as to why Josh wasn't more excited.
"It's in California. And I have to leave tomorrow." he said, again avoiding her eyes.
Maya felt like she had just been stabbed in the gut. Tomorrow?
"How long have you known about this?" Maya asked, feeling the tears in her eyes. He didn't speak. "Joshua, how long have you known?!"
"A month." he breathed.
Now Maya just felt like someone had knocked the wind out of her and stomped on her heart for good measure. He had known for a goddamn month, and he decided to bring it up now, the day before he left.
"Wow." Maya whispered, contempt in her voice.
Josh didn't know how to respond to that.
"Is that all?" Maya said, nastiness filling her voice.
"No." Josh said, reaching into his pocket. "When you came back later to get your stuff from my apartment, you forgot this." He handed her a golden locket, a picture of the two of them inside, the top engraved with the word, 'Someday'. Josh had given it to her on their first official date. "I've been holding onto it this entire time. I didn't want to give it back, but it's yours, so you should have it."
Maya stared at the locket, willing it to disappear into thin air.
"I didn't forget it. I just didn't want it." Maya said, not being able to hide her anger anymore.
A flash of hurt made it across Josh's face. 'I guess I deserve that.' he thought.
The pair sat in silence again, not knowing what to say anymore. The rift between them just seemed too wide to cross.
Maya's blood boiled. Her vision went red. She felt tears bubbling behind her eyes and a scream ready to come out of her throat. But she stayed silent. That's what scared Josh. Silence with Maya was worse than a scream.
"I can't believe you." she whispered.
"I'm sorry." he said.
"You're not sorry." she snipped back.
"I didn't know how to tell you." he said, ashamed.
She scoffed. "So you waited until I lost my virginity to you to butter me up? Think it would make everything okay in my book?"
"No! God, Maya! Last night was one of the best nights of my life. What we did last night had absolutely nothing to do with what's happening right now!" Josh shot back.
As desperately as she wanted to believe him, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Why else would Josh have had sex with her? Why else would he be leaving tomorrow?
"Maya, I love you." he said reaching for her hand.
"You don't love me." she snapped, pulling her hand away. "You wanted to have sex with me, so you could leave. That's what you wanted. You wanted to leave just like everybody else."
Maya stood up, gathering her things, heading for the door.
"Maya." Josh said blocking the door.
"Move Josh." Maya said, too emotionally distraught to actually physically move him herself.
"Maya, please. I know I screwed up, I know I should've told you sooner, I know I should've done a lot of things. But I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry." he said, tears beginning to line his eyes.
"I'll be back later to get my stuff. Goodbye, Josh." she said, moving past him.
"Maya..." he said, a last ditch effort.
"You're no better than my dad." Maya said, her last attempt at hitting him where it hurt before she left his apartment.
Josh stood in the doorway, staring at where Maya had just been. That one. That one had stung.
"Maya..." Josh started.
"Can we please just be done here?" Maya interrupted.
This was the first really good look Josh had gotten of her since starting the conversation. But he didn't need to have more than one look to know this: he had broken her. He had broken her, and he knew that he was going to, and he was selfish, and he left. He left. He deserved to be compared to her father. There was no excuse for what he had done.
Maya didn't wait for a response before standing up, collecting herself, and going back into the building. As Topanga had promised, she stayed right there the entire time. One look at Topanga caused Maya to break down. Earth shattering sobs escaped from her throat. She couldn't forgive him. She couldn't even accept his apology. In some ways, this betrayal was worse than her dad's. Josh had blatantly taken something special and beautiful from her, only to leave the next day without bothering to tell her. As Topanga wrapped her arms around the sobbing girl, she couldn't contain her emotions any more, noises coming out of Maya's mouth Topanga didn't know were humanly possible.
Josh sat outside, crying as well, pain in his chest, as he thought about the mistakes he made six years ago.
'What a stupid, stupid idiot boy you were.' he thought.
And then he heard it. The noise. The noise coming from where Maya had just left. A mix of pain, heartbreak, and utter despair. The noise hit him right in the chest. He had caused that. He couldn't take that back.
Josh suddenly felt as if he were broken too.
A/N: So, yeah. That's chapter one! I hope you guys have enjoyed it! The second and final chapter will be posted very soon hopefully. What do you guys think? Should Maya forgive him? Should Maya tell him to screw off and never speak to her again? Comments and suggestions are always welcome. Thanks for reading!
Au revoir,
Gretchen :)