Want
"It's you they're after, not the ship. Don't you see? This is the only way... I'm not sorry."
"Pirate."
As a girl, she had been fascinated with pirates. She had read books about pirates, she had drawn pictures of pirates, and she had played pirate games. Everything about pirates was so exciting and adventurous to her. Although her father discouraged her interest in pirates, she continued to pursue it. She read about the pirate code, and about legendary pirates, like Jack Sparrow.
She had always craved freedom; had hungered for it. She had craved the idea of being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. It had fascinated her; had filled her whole being. But, she never let on as to how she felt. If she did, it would mean that she wouldn't be allowed to read about that freedom, and pretend she had that freedom.
As she got older, she dreamed about the freedom, as it was no longer proper for her to pretend she had it. She would dream dreams where she was a pirate, and she lived by her own rules.
When that fateful day came, and she saw the ship with black sails, it filled her with excitement as well as a bit of fear. And then she saw nothing of it for ten years. The thing she dreamed about the most was that ship, and what it could have held for her.
When she met Will, she thought, he is a pirate. He is exciting. He will be someone who will understand. But, as she grew older, she realized that it was not true. Will was sweet, but he was too gentle with her. He acted as though she was something that would break if touched.
Like glass, or crystal, she was beautiful. But diamond is also beautiful, and diamond does not break. She was like a diamond. He thought of her as crystal. She wanted him to see her as she was, but he never could.
Then, she met him. Captain Jack Sparrow. He did not treat her like crystal. He didn't treat her completely like diamond, but he was closer than Will was. He treated her like a person who could handle tough trials, although he was vulgar in his actions towards her. That was something to be expected though, seeing as how he was a pirate.
When she was kidnapped by pirates, she was frightened. She had nearly come to believe that such kinds of adventures could ever happen to her, and so it came as a great surprise to her when she was taken from house and home, and dragged aboard the Black Pearl.
But still, a scary adventure was better than no adventure.
She had enjoyed helping Jack get his ship back, although his advances upon her had not been exactly pleasant. But, she had felt something then that had reawakened that longing for freedom; for something more than what she was getting.
Even while she was engaged to Will, she had thoughts about a different life. She wasn't sure that she wanted to be the wife of a blacksmith anymore. She wasn't sure that that was something she was supposed to be doing with her life. She wasn't sure of anything anymore.
Except for her want.
I want freedom. I want independence. I want to be unshackled. I want to live by my own rules. I want to govern my own life. I want, I want, I want.
Such were the kinds of thoughts that she had all night, as she lay awake at night. She would fall asleep with these thoughts, and she would wake with these thoughts; these selfish thoughts.
She wanted to act on selfish impulse. She wanted to be someone who people would write about in books; someone who other children would read about, and want to be like. She didn't care if it sounded sinful to not listen to her father, or fiancé, or whomever it was that was in charge of her life. She wanted freedom, and she didn't care if it wasn't what her father wanted. It was what she wanted, and that was all that mattered to her.
And so it went, right up until that day when Will was arrested. At first, a part of her - not a very large part, but still a part - wanted it to be, so that she would not have to choose. But after her name was read out, she decided that those thoughts were not right. To wish someone's imprisonment was not a Christian thought.
When Will came to tell her that Beckett wanted the compass, she thought that maybe she could go with him, maybe she could see Jack again. But Will left without her. That had made her irritated, but not overly so. She was going to resign herself to the fact that being the wife of a blacksmith was her fate. Lucky for her that she got another chance.
And when her father wanted her to leave Port Royal, and go to London, she was indignant. She said it was because she didn't want to lose Will, but that wasn't the whole truth. She also wanted to see Jack again. She wanted to see his face, and know that she hadn't dreamed the taste of freedom that had come when she had been kidnapped.
Her father believed that she was supposed to be a lady, and so, around him, she was one. But when she was alone in her room, she imagined what she would do if she were a pirate, and played by her own rules.
She would never want to hurt her father, but she also did not want to live under his thumb or the thumb of any other man for that matter.
Of course, there would be men aboard a pirate ship. But aboard a pirate ship, she could hit a man if he said something rude, or touched her in a vulgar place.
Aboard a pirate ship, she could defend herself.
Aboard a pirate ship, she could be free.
She hungered for freedom. She longed for it. She wanted nothing more than to be able to create her own rules, and change them whenever she felt like it. It was the only thing in the world that appealed to her.
And Jack Sparrow was someone who had that freedom. He was someone who could give that to her. And yet, a part of her still loved Will. She wanted to be faithful, but her want for freedom was stronger than he compassion, and love for Will.
For a brief moment, she had that wish; that longing for freedom. For a split second, she felt like she was flying. That kiss had opened doors for her. But she knew, like all who have suffered, that all good things must come to an end.
She suffered through her confusion, and through her want, and knew that it was him they were after, and they would follow him wherever he went to make him pay. All those around him would perish in his foolishness and greed, and he would be around until there was no one left who was willing to help him. Then, and only then, would he himself finally perish.
She knew that the only way to save everyone else was for Jack to be the first to go. Then, no one else would have to suffer. She still loved Will. She still wanted to protect him from dieing for someone who would have sacrificed Will's life to save himself. She had no choice. But still, she didn't want to hurt Will. She wanted to save him
But by saving Will, she betrayed him. By saving him from pain, she hurt him. By protecting him from danger, she ripped open his heart. By protecting him from death, she killed his trust in her. By preventing him from being thrown into the fire, she poured the oil on herself, and lit the flame.
"It's you they're after, not the ship. Don't you see? This is the only way... I'm not sorry."
"Pirate."
She wasn't sorry that she'd kissed him.
She was sorry that she'd wanted to.
And she was sorry that she'd liked it.