A Day on the Job
By PurplePanda's Stories (a.k.a Amythest Moon)
"Are you SURE you can handle this, Flare?" Diamond Rose questioned quietly one sunny Thursday afternoon. "You know you've had past...incidents." Flaring Spark simply waved his red hoof dismissvley in the air, putting off his mother's worries as just nerves. "Mom, don't worry," the unicorn stallion insisted, placing a reassuring hoof on her back. "I've got this." Diamond Rose stared at her son as if he had just implied the world was ruled by dragons. "Really?" She asked. "What about your first day at the cafe?"
"OK, that table came out of NO WHERE."
"To be fair tables don't really come out of no where."
"Well this one did!"
"OK...what about that time you went to visit the plantarium in the 1st grade?" Diamond Rose quizzed. "Hey mom, you should be happy about that! I got my cutie mark on that trip!" Flaring Spark put forth, gesturing to a picture of lit match on his flank. "YOU EARNED IT BY SETTING THE PROFFESOR ON FIRE FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE! AND AFTER THAT YOU BURNED DOWN THE WHOLE BUILDING!" The purple unicorn mare screeched, her wonderfully groomed teal mane slowly becoming a tangled mess. "Whatever," Flaring Spark grumbled, not taking notice of his mother's growing frusteration. "Look, the taxi is here!" He shouted as a sleek yellow carriage with black squares painted on the side pulled onto the corner. Two stallions, a brown one and a cerulean one, gruffly stood at the reigns, waiting to go. "Bye mom!" Flaring Spark cried out, desperate to get away before his mother could bring up any more embarrasing stunts. And so, the taxi pulled away, setting off towards the castle.
An Hour Later...
"And THIS is your post," Shining Armor said, leading Flaring Spark down a dimly lit hallway. "Oooh, what's behind this door?" The red stallion asked, pointing towards a wooden door with the words Do Not Open sprawled across it. "THAT is the door you will be guarding." Shining Armor explained. "Behind it is Princess Luna's most valuable treasure, the Moon Pearl. It came from the Clam of Tranquility at the bottom of Dragon's Ocean, and blah blah blah..." Flaring Spark slowly tuned out as he turned away from the white unicorn and gazed uo in awe at the door. "How much fire would it take to burn the Moon Pearl?" He asked suddenly. Shining Armor suddenly looked up from his explination and stared at Flaming Spark as if he suddenly had 5 heads. "Um..." he stuttered. "I...I don't know. No pony's really ever tried to burn it. Now, normally I wouldn't have a new guard guarding the Moon Pearl, but I'm low on guards today so...yeah." Shining Armor said. "Well don't worry about a thing. Your uncle Flare's got everything under control." Flare stated as he pushed Shining Armor out of the room. "But you're not my-" Shining Armor began, but before he could finish, Flare had already pushed him out of the room and slammed the door.
The second, the second Shining Armor was gone, Flare turned around, galloped towards the door that housed the Moon Pearl, and twisted the knob. "Locked," Flare muttered in frusteration. Now, a normal pony would just go back to their job, but no. The first thing that Flare did when he realized the door was locked was this: "Hmmmm...I know I can't open it...so...I'LL JUST FIRE-BLAST THE DOOR OPEN!" And with that, a firey stream came out of Flare's horn and burned the door to crisps, leaving a smoldering, open space for him to just trot through.
"Woah..." Flare gasped. For, sitting right in front of him in the center of the room, on a blue velvet pillow sat...the Moon Pearl. Creamy white, it glistened in the sunlight shining on it through a window, and since the pearl was baseball-sized, it was no wonder it was Luna's prized possesion. And so, instead of trying to protect it like a normal gaurd, Flare took a match out of his pocket and...lit the dang room on fire like a lunatic. "Now all I do is wait for it to turn to ash!" He exclaimed as golden flames flickered and danced.
Before long, the smell of smoke caught the other guard's attentions, and under Shining Armor's orders, they all raced to the Moon Pearl room. "Uh oh..." Flaring Spark muttered as the muddled sounds of hooves clopping against marble floor thundered his way. "They must be here because I ate the tuna sandwich from the mini-fridge!" He cried, gesturing to a solid gold mini-fridge against the wall. Just then a flaming piece of wood fell down from the ceiling and nearly hit Flare on the head. "Oh, and because I'm burning the whole palace down too." As the hoofbeats grew louder and louder, Flaring Spark looked arounf the room desperetly for something to help him. "AHA!" He suddenly shouted, finding whar he was looking for. "This will be perfect!" And so, Flare galloped into a room marked The Emerald of Life and emerged with a solid gold tiara, and embedded in the center was a single emerald. "They say who ever wears it can create life! And I bet a good old hydra will distract them!" Flare muttered to himself. As Flare lowered the tiara onto his head, his eyes filled with a green light and he shouted "I CREATE HYDRA!" When the finally dissapeared, there in the center of the room was a large, 20 foot, hydra. And, to be honest, Flare was right. When the guards entered, the hydra was more than enough to distract them from the burning building and Flare eating a sandwhich. "WHAT IN CELESTIA'S NAME IS A HYDRA DOING IN HERE?!" Shining Armor excalaimed. "No idea..." Flaring Spark muttered.
Long story short, the rest of the day involved Flare giving life to a cerberus, a chimera, and an army of more evil changelings to so he could rule equestria with an iron fist and mouthfuls of sandwichs.
THE END (FOR EQUESTRIA)