Title: Wondering
Summary: Half a cycle after the end the Peacekeeper Wars, John and Aeryn take a moment to reflect.
Disclaimer: These are not my characters, I just play with them. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Notes: A short piece that wouldn't leave me alone. Not beta'd, so please forgive any mistakes or typos. Comments = love.
Wondering
Moya was cold beneath his bare feet. The great ship was still and noiseless. The lights were dimmed for the sleep cycle. It was what Crichton would call the middle of the night. He was also what he would call a new dad and that meant being up in the middle of the night.
Dee would be six months old tomorrow. Crichton's little boy was getting so big already. It was strange. This anniversary also marked five years—cycles—in the Uncharted Territories for Crichton. Or rather as close as he could figure. It was hard to count the days the way he would have on Earth.
He tucked a corner of the blanket underneath his son. Dee's dark hair stood out against the light colored sheet. He yawned. He could be a good sleeper when he wanted to. Crichton was already worried that Dee was going to be willful, like his mother, and stubborn, like his father. He was smart, too. Crichton could see it in the way he watched his new world. Crichton was already so proud. However, right now, his overriding feeling was exhaustion.
His son was safe and sleeping soundly after nearly half an arn of fussing. Crichton stepped back from the crib, slipped out the exit, and into the next chamber. Aeryn had fallen back to sleep herself. She rested on her side facing the doorway. One arm was tucked beneath her head and her dark hair was fanned out on the pillow.
Carefully, Crichton settled himself on the bed next to her. He wound his arm around his wife's waist and she mercifully leaned against him, allowing him to steal her heat. He should have grabbed more than a t-shirt when he went to comfort Dee.
"You're freezing," Aeryn mumbled in her gravelly voice. Crichton love that voice when they were awake and he loved it even more when it was like this.
"I didn't mean to wake you, babe," he said. He kissed her neck.
"I wasn't really sleeping."
"Oh really?"
She flipped over so her head nestled against his chest. He took a deep breath filled with scent of her hair. Of her body.
"He will be half a cycle tomorrow," she said.
"I know. Time flies."
"It's hard to believe where we were a cycle ago."
"I can't even remember what life was like before Dee."
"It was before the war. We hadn't gotten back together. Scorpius was on board."
"And four cycles before that I was living on Earth preparing for my Farscape mission."
Suddenly, she really was awake. Aeryn pulled back a little and propped her chin in her hand. "Really?"
"I think so."
"I didn't even think of that. I was just thinking of Dee."
"It's hard to believe where we were five cycles ago."
"You were a human living on Erp and I was—"
"Still a Peacekeeper."
They were both quiet for a long time. Moya's system hummed. Aeryn ran a hand through her head and lay back on her pillow staring at the ceiling.
"Do you ever consider how things could have gone differently?" she asked.
"Honestly, babe, all the frellin' time. From what I've seen of wormholes, I know that are millions alternative realities where ever possible scenario has played out. I think about the real' big one: what if I'd never gone through the wormhole?"
"And?"
"I won't change anything. Not a microt because if anything changed then this moment might not been possible," he said and kissed her again.
"I know what my life would have been, barring combat death. But do you think yours would be like?"
"Still kinda the same. Wife, kids, work. It wouldn't have been on a space ship, but ya know."
"Would you have married Caroline?" There was something innocent in her question.
"I always forget you've met her."
"Would you?"
"No, probably not. It was mostly just, um, reduced fluid levels."
Aeryn snorted. It was dark and Crichton couldn't see her face clearly, but he knew she had just rolled her eyes.
"Whoever I married she probably would have been the opposite of you."
"What?"
"I used to like blonds. All my ex's are blond."
"You are in line with my physical preferences, but I've never known anyone so complicated."
"Ouch."
"It's a good thing. The Peacekeepers don't question. You know were you stand without talking about it. I never had the chance to be more before I met you."
"You always repeat those words, but there is something we forget."
"Yes?"
"You gave me a chance to be more too. This wasn't a one sided thing."
"We protect each other."
"Exactly, babe. I got you out of the Peacekeepers, but you helped me become the man I think I was supposed to be. Even I know that sounds corny, like the worst Hallmark card."
"It was your destiny to save the galaxy."
"Don't joke."
She lifted her head again and ran her long fingers through his hair. "I'm not joking. I feel like fate has played an enormous role in our lives. If one little thing had turned out differently, everything would have turned out differently. Like blocks stacked on top of each other."
"Fate. I know it's had an influence. Like you said, we've made hundreds of thousands of decisions and they always led to this. Everything got in our way, even ourselves. We did everything to stay apart. We were just meant to be."
"It's not that simple. Many of our choices kept us together."
"Yeah, but I feel like I made that choice the microt I saw your face and since then I've been fighting to convince the universe that it was right."
"You had to convince me first," she said and kissed him.
"I had to convince myself first. For a long time, I was just trying to survive, then find a way back to Earth. I wasn't trying to make a life here. Once I realized that's what I wanted that's when the universe started getting in the way."
"When did you know?"
"You ask the question like you have an answer too."
"I do, but I'm asking you."
"That night on the false Earth the Ancients created."
"You mean the first time we recreated?"
"Yes," he kissed her, "but not for the reason you're thinking. We were falling asleep—"
"Finally," Aeryn interrupted.
He smiled to himself, "Yeah finally and our bodies were still all tangled. I remember closing my eyes and realizing I couldn't care less what planet I was on. I remember thinking 'so Earth isn't working out. I'll get back to Moya and find somewhere else. At least I get to say goodbye this time.' I knew I'd keep looking, but Earth was becoming less and less like home. Over the cycles, home became wherever you were."
Aeryn rolled over again so her back was to him. She took his hand and pulled it around her body, like he had that very first time.
"When did you know?" he asked.
"After Crais and Talyn died. Monens before that, the other John, he was doing a lot of research while we were away from Moya and then we found the Ancient who looked like your father. He unlocked more of the wormhole knowledge. The other John was confident he could get back to Earth. He asked me to go with him and I said yes."
Crichton tensed at the mention of his copy. They rarely spoke of that time. It was painful for both of them. He was sure Aeryn had noticed, but she kept talking.
"Then he died and I left Moya never intending to come back. I spent a lot of time thinking about how my life was turning out. My realization was as sudden as yours. I realized how hasty I'd been. I really was ready to go live on Earth with him, but I think I would have hated it. I would have been stuck and all alone on a planet full of humans. Everything happened so quickly with him. It felt right at the time, but wouldn't have lasted. The burn was too fast. And that's the way it ended. Right in the middle of everything."
"Do you miss him?"
"No, because I got what I really wanted. I realized I wanted a life with John Crichton. With you. My saving grace, my second chance. It's the slow, hot burn that makes the Prowler last forever."
He bite her shoulder playfully, "I don't know if like being compared to a ship or not."
She laughed softly but didn't say anything.
"I love you," he said.
"Love you, too."
Crichton let her begin to drift back to sleep. He thought about the tower of choices Aeryn had mentioned. He'd seen some of the possibilities during his adventure with Einstein. A reality where he became a Peacekeeper. Where he spied for Crais. Where a million different things could have happened.
There were certain things he wished hadn't happened to him. Torture, for example. But given the chance, he truly won't change them. He felt stronger for overcoming them. Could he have stood up against the two greatest powers in the galaxy and demand peace with he had not undergone what he had? He certainly couldn't have done it without Aeryn beside him.
Fate. It had screwed him over in so many ways over the cycles, but in the end he was grateful. He had this wonderful life now—two big things—all because of a series of fateful decisions.
He closed his eyes. The baby started crying. Aeryn stirred with a small groan.
"I'm fine. I'll go," said Crichton, slipping from between the sheets before his wife could move.
"You went before."
"I'm officially applying for night duty. Sleep, babe."
"Thank you. I love you so much."
"I love you, too."