Welp, here goes my first Hetalia fic? I love USxUK so I had to write about them. I've checked repeatedly but I've had a problem with past stories where words disappear once the chapter is uploaded, so if you notice anything like that then please let me know!
Please read and review and I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I sadly do not own Hetalia Axis Powers.
"Awesome, awesome, yah that would be great."
Arthur looked up from his book in order to throw Alfred, who was talking far too loud on his mobile telephone (or as Alfred called it...a "cell"), a withering glare.
"Excuse me, one is trying to read." Arthur called drily. Alfred glanced over his shoulder and rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, call you back, okay? A certain senior citizen is having some trouble reading." Alfred muttered before snapping the phone shut and swaggering over to Arthur, completely oblivious to the latter's furious expression.
"What's this?" Alfred asked, glancing at the book cover. "Pride and Prejudice? What the hell is that?"
"Miss Jane Austen is one of the most famous literary figures in British History - nay, the world. She is consistently published globally since her work was first produced in the same century your country was founded." Arthur declared, "So-"
"So everyone's probably sick to death of her by now - Iggy you really have the worst taste." Alfred tutted. Before Arthur could leap up and beat him with the hardback however, Alfred suddenly produced another book from inside his jacket."You should read this instead."
Arthur blinked slowly, was Alfred an absolute idiot? Actually no, there was no need to ask that, it was a hard fact that Alfred was stupid.
"When the bloody hell has "Where's Waldo" been classed as a novel?" He scoffed, before reaching for his tea in an attempt to prevent himself from screaming at Alfred.
"It's a classic." Alfred replied enthusiastically. He sat on the pouffe facing Arthur and began to scour the pages, genuinely intrigued. "I can never find the rascal!" He giggled. "He's just too awesome!"
Arthur stared at him incredulously. Never mind, while the idiot was distracted Arthur could return to Elizabeth's daring encounter with Lady Catherine de Bourgh! Arthur scanned the page until he found the line he had last read before the interruption, and just as he felt himself getting lost within the novel...
"I found him!" Alfred squealed girlishly, before focusing and pouting. "Oh, no, it's just a barber shop pole..."
"Kill him now!" Arthur jumped at the sound of a tiny voice. He glanced at his right shoulder to find one of his tiny faerie friends fluttering next to him. She was a truly divine specimen.
"What?" Arthur whispered. "Did you just-"
"Yes I did!" The fairy said sternly, "You'll never reach the end of this book with him around!"
"But for interrupting a book? It's a tad extreme, surely there's no need to-"
"What about the time he rigged that game of 'spin the bottle'? You ended up in a cupboard with France for seven minutes." The tiny creature reminded him, and Arthur shuddered as he tried to suppress the memory.
"Oh Arthur, what fine thighs you have!" The fairy quoted, and Arthur's eye twitched.
"You're right," He muttered. "Let's take him out now, nobody would know."
"We could bury the body in the garden!"
"Under my azaleas!"
"Iggy, who the hell are you talking to?" Arthur turned back to face America, who was staring at him intently. "Not your imaginary friends again?"
"They are not imaginary!" Arthur protested in indignation. A fool like Alfred was not special enough to feel their presence!
"Whatever." Alfred chuckled to himself. He reached for a blueberry muffin from Arthur's special 'reading time muffin basket' (which around the handle, was tied with a powder-blue ribbon). Arthur watched curiously as the younger man gently took a bite. Time seemed to slow down as he awaited the verdict and Arthur clutched his book in wait. Slowly Alfred chewed, but then - his face went quite pale.
"What is this crap?" Alfred coughed, spitting the chewed up remnants into his hand. Arthur sniffed loudly, "I thought you might like them, they were fresh blueberries."
"It's like chewing sand! I would know. Honestly Iggy, I think you need a new pensioner hobby."
That was it! Arthur had no idea what Alfred was doing in his home anyway. He had never made a "quick visit before the meeting" before!
"Well go and make your own bloody muffins then, you git!" Arthur cried, "I happen to think my muffins are smashing! Champion!" He had to lie here, it would defeat his argument if he insulted his own cooking.
"Calm down Arthur, I don't want you to have a heart attack on me." Alfred muttered, before pulling a cheeseburger from his jacket pocket. He unwrapped it in one swift motion, not noticing a splodge of ketchup fly onto Arthur's carpet. His lovely new Turkish carpet!
"You...You IDIOT! " Arthur hissed, leaping up. Alfred blinked dumbly as he munched away, "Sowwy Iggy, it'll come out."
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to get condiments out of an antique carpet?" Arthur shouted, dashing to the kitchen to fetch his cleaning supplies.
"This is what I abhor about fast food!" He shrieked when he ran back in. Alfred moved himself and the pouffe to the side, making room for Arthur to get down on all fours to spray and scrub at the ketchup. "Does Ronald Mc'bloody Donald include stain remover within a Big Mac'? Does Burger bleeding King? I THINK NOT!"
"That's because small children would eat them silly." Alfred said as Arthur stared into the carpet, awaiting any more stains that may dare to materialize. "Look, Iggy, if it means that much to you I'll buy you a rug to place over the stain."
"But you couldn't! I've just painted this room the most particular shade of cantaloupe and that was the only rug I've ever found to match it exactly! Not much goes with cantaloupe!" Arthur wailed, "You've done it now, you twit!"
Alfred was getting rather bored of this, it was only a stain. He needed to distract the miser. "Would it make you feel better if I invited you to my birthday instead?"
"What?" Arthur looked up, was Alfred actually inviting him to his birthday? The last party Alfred had thrown with Arthur's attendance, had resulted in that terrible rigged game of spin the bottle.
"Yeah..." Alfred chuckled, nervous now. He hadn't actually expected Arthur to be interested, but a snappy 'no!' and a lecture on stain removal. "I'm going to Vegas with Mattie."
"Oh." Arthur sat back on his heels. "Well, that would be very nice Alfred. Thank-you, I'd love to attend."
Alfred stared at him, where had that timid little 'thank-you' come from? He couldn't help but grin.
"You're welcome buddy! Look at that, my birth brings everyone together!" He laughed, and although Arthur quickly turned back to his carpet stain, he was visibly placated. Alfred picked a pen up from the coffee table, which had been perfectly aligned with Iggy's crossword book. Taking off his glove he clicked the pen and scrawled on his hand:
'Must invite Iggy to birthday, phooey. Tell Mattie...Invite Francis?'
Or would that put a dampener on things? Alfred could see himself and Mattie, enjoying martinis in a casino, while Arthur was unwillingly whisked away to the nearest Vegas chapel. He remembered Francis reminiscing about the time he cut Iggy's hair and nearly married him. No, as funny as it would be for Alfred to see Iggy become France's bitch, Alfred would be in a spot of trouble if Francis married himself to Arthur. Alfred scribbled out the last line and thought deeply (for once), as Arthur pottered around him, tidying away his cleaning supplies and crying about his bloody Turkish delight carpet. Mmm, Turkish Delight...
Alfred had no choice, Arthur was coming to Vegas with him.
"I don't mind, really." Mattie said. "It's your birthday Alfred, as long as you have a good time that's all that matters."
"Yes, but I didn't want to invite him in the first place." Alfred sighed, swigging from his Coke. "I only invited him so he would shut up about his stupid cantaloupe carpet."
"I think it's the walls that are cantaloupe, the carpet is an antique." Canada tried to correct his brother, but Alfred ignored him (which Matthew was used to) and carried on.
"It was only ketchup for God's sake, but he acted as if I'd poured boiling oil all over it. I'm trying to think of something we could do to drive him away, something that will make him cancel on me."
"Why don't you want him to come again?" Mattie asked; what did it really matter if England was there?
"Because, he'll just moan all the time, because he can't face up to the fact America is a hundred, no a thousand, noa billion times more awesome than his island!" Alfred cried, punching the air in patriotic enthusiasm. "That and he gets kinda' scary when he's drunk, he becomes bitter and violent."
"So what will you do?"
"Why, we'll hatch an awesome plan!" Alfred chuckled, "After all, I'm Alfred F. Jones! The F stands for awesome, I, am, a hero!" He cheered, standing up in his seat and forgetting he had not even a plan ready.
"What plan?" Mattie repeated, nibbling on his fries. "You can't exactly hurt him can you?"
Alfred paused waving mid-air, his plan to drop something heavy on Iggy's foot disappearing. "No, I don't think I can." He sat down and shoved a fistful of his own fries into his mouth. "I thought about inviting Francis, but it might ruin things if he forces Iggy to marry him in a chapel."
The younger country nodded, "What about another country?"
Alfred made a mental list of other countries.
"Well, I suppose, but I haven't the foggiest who..."
"What if you auditioned people?" Mattie suggested, "Well maybe not audition...but we could-"
"Wait!" Alfred gasped. "Why don't I observe countries then audition them? Goodness Alfred you genius!" He patted his brother on the head. "See, I told you I'd think of an awesome plan! What were you going to say Mattie?"
"I don't have to audition, do I?" Mattie asked meekly, too alarmed at this prospect to lament over Alfred claiming the former's idea as his own.
"No, I need you to help me judge or whatever." Alfred said, "But remember, we're trying to drive England away."
"Drive...Arthur...away..." Mattie wrote on a napkin.
"We'll do it tomorrow at the meeting." Alfred added, "We don't really need to talk about global warming...Or over population of the planet...It's incredibly boring and nobody listens to the best ideas, my ideas."
"I like your ideas Alfred." Mattie said as he wrote the rest of Alfred's words down on the napkin.
The next morning Alfred marched determinedly into the latest World Meeting, with Mattie at his heels.
"Right." He said, eyeing Arthur in the corner, who was trying unsuccessfully to get Sealand to go home. "Everybody listen up!" The group turned to face Alfred with a unanimous groan.
"Move that table over there Mattie." He whispered to his brother, "So we can have a judging table."
"What on Earth is this about?" Sweden's Berwald Oxenstierna demanded, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Alfred, we have some very important issues to discuss-"
"I couldn't have said it better myself!" Alfred nodded, "Everybody in a line against the wall!"
"Hey, look! That table's moving by itself!" Someone shouted, and they all looked on as Canada pushed the table in Alfred's direction. "Arthur, did you bring your imaginary friends with you?"
Arthur scowled, "Actually -"
"Hey, hey!" Alfred interrupted again. "Pay attention! We have more important things to discuss. Like I said, against the wall please!"
All reluctantly did so, except Russia, who sat swigging vodka on the table Canada was pushing. Alfred thought best to leave him alone.
"Okay, so as you all know it's my birthday in a few days," Alfred grinned, ignorant of the countries second unanimous groan. "And I can only take a few friends out with me, so I'm holding auditions!"
"Wait a minute-" Berwald scowled, "You're actually using our meeting to discuss personal affairs?"
Finland peered out from behind his friend, "Hang on, I thought it was somebody else's birthday today, the first of July?"
The trio paused for a moment before shrugging it off.
"No I don't think so, nobody here has a birthday today."
Mattie sat on the table he had finished pushing and sighed gently, never mind, there was always his next birthday...He glanced at Russia and the vodka in his hand, "C-could I have some?" he asked timidly. Ivan blinked, looking around he stared at Kumajirou on the table beside him. The effect of vodka as he got older was getting more peculiar, Ivan decided, and he tucked the bottle away. He best not have anymore until stuffed animals stopped talking to him.
"Okay, so I'll sit over here," Alfred explained as he ran over to the judging table, "And you all do something that makes me think 'Oh wow, they are actually quite awesome.'."
"This is ridiculous," Germany scoffed, "I know I have better things to do with my time."
"As do I." Berwald agreed, "Some of us are going to go over there and actually discuss the world affairs."
"Okay, you do that while we have an awesome time!" Alfred called as Sweden, Germany and Finland made their way across the room. Sweden glanced back over his shoulder at the other nations.
"Is anybody else coming?" He asked, prompting several nations to follow, including Spain, who had never liked Alfred that much since he had beaten Spain up time ago.
"Arthur?" Berwald asked and Arthur couldn't help but dither. The world meeting was very important, and he was already invited to Alfred's party...
"Iggy," Alfred pouted, blinking his blue eyes. "I need your guidance here, please." Alfred's trick worked, as Arthur was reminded instantly of the young America, before his independence, at a time when he had depended entirely on Arthur.
"All right," He said, before giving Berwald an apologetic smile. "I'll help you."
"Great!"
Alfred surveyed his contestants, he had Iggy of course, Francis (who had suddenly changed into a leotard for his audition), Japan, North Italy, and China.
Alfred took his seat beside Ivan and Kumajirou (who was actually on Canada's lap but nobody noticed, not even Kumajirou). and cheered, "Let's get this party started!" He felt like that judge from X Factor, the one with the tight trousers, but of course, much incredibly more awesome.
Many thanks to Noodleschan who introduced me to Hetalia and is an incredible friend. Check out her Hetalia story, 'tis wonderful!