I posted this about two years ago, and recently just went back to read it. There were a few mistakes, and sentences that didn't really make sense. So this is an updated version - just in case it seems familiar to anyone. This fic is set in the future, and is rather AU in regards to Chuck/Blair. Anyway! I love reading everyone's reviews :) and encourage constructive criticism.
Enjoy!
Almost and nearly, but never quite enough
Blair isn't sure what it is that compels her to stay with Nate Archibald. She isn't quite sure what it is that makes her love him either. Perhaps it's how they can talk for hours about everything and nothing. Or how they have the same taste in music even after high school.
Maybe it is because everyone tells them that they look good together.
But good is not perfect – and Blair knows that they will never be perfect.
She sighs as she flicks off the TV, irked by the fact that there is nothing to watch on a Saturday afternoon. She tips her head back gently to catch a glimpse of Nate busying himself in the kitchen.
He doesn't notice her.
Instead he is chopping vegetables for a stir fry he's cooking up for their dinner. It's cold in the apartment and Blair shivers slightly as her hands check the radiators. "Nate, did you turn the radiators off?" She yells into the kitchen.
"Yeah." He says it without looking at her. She grumbles as she gets off the couch and turns the radiators back on, beginning from the living room and making her way into the bedroom.
Their bedroom.
It's really kind of his bedroom. She merely sleeps there every night and her clothes just happen to be in the closet, filling the spaces that someone else left behind. That is all Blair is.
A filler.
She fills the seat opposite Nate at dinner and the right side of the bed. She is the red toothbrush that sits beside Nate's blue. She's noticed how the toothbrushes never touch. They always end up facing away from each other. Perhaps it's a sign.
Blair shakes the thoughts out of her head, but as she turns on the bedroom radiator, her eyes fall on her side of the bed. She loves Nate, honestly she does. But she doesn't understand why two people so supposedly right for each other feel so wrong most of the time. He tells her he loves her. He invites her to bed. He makes love to her.
Yet he never looks her in the eye when he tells her he loves her, or smiles when they enter the bedroom. He turns away after sex and never touches her during the night. It's not the way it was described to her many times by her best friend.
Sometimes she catches him staring at the empty space she leaves in the mornings, and she'd like to believe it's because he misses her. But really it's a different 'her' he misses and Blair has stopped trying to deny it.
It's the golden strands of hair he looks for on the pillow and it's the pink toothbrush he secretly wishes resided next to his. He wants somebody that burns simple meals like toast and forces him to watch entertainment news channels.
Nate had somebody like that. He lost her.
Everybody knows that Nate has never fully recovered from that loss. Blair knows it because she lives with it. Ever since Blair walked back into her old life she knew that Nate was a changed man. He wasn't the beautiful, stoned teenager with startling green eyes. He was a bitter, cold drunk that struggled to get up in the mornings.
Ex-drunk, actually.
After Nate's brush with the law he's done his best to stay sober and attend all his meetings.
Blair is grateful that she wasn't there to witness the great Nate Archibald fall apart; she wasn't part of the clean-up crew that Chuck and Vanessa were in. She wasn't there for the nights Nate went crawling between bars or looking for him in the early hours of the morning.
By the time Blair had arrived, Nate was supposedly on the road to normal. She wonders how long the road was because, after almost two years, he is a broken man. Blair chuckles to herself. She is in love with a man who is still in love with his ex-girlfriend.
Her best friend.
Of course Blair is angry at Serena. Many people are. Nobody understands to this day why she just disappeared when everything seemed happy. Blair had been away at college at the time and then she'd spent time with her Dad in France. She'd only heard of Serena's disappearing act from brief conversations with Chuck.
But, though wishful thinking, Blair expects Serena to come back and let everything return to normal. She is a little hurt that Serena still hasn't called her. She is supposed to be her best friend. Maybe Serena knows about them. Perhaps that is why no contact has been made.
She still feels a little guilty. Even though it is Serena who left, even though it has been seven years, Blair still can't help but think she is cheating on her. Or maybe she is just cheating herself. Blair loves Nate; and though Nate has often said he loves her back, it is clear he is head over heels in love with Serena.
Blair's eyes wander to under the bed. Soon after she had moved in she discovered the piles of clothing and belongings of Serena's that Nate had hidden underneath the bed.
Out of sight, out of mind?
Not quite.
Blair knows it's there and so does Nate. It is almost like another person. Silent. Inanimate. Lingering. And there. It is like living with a ghost. They don't speak about it. Why bring up bad memories? Though Blair sometimes catches Nate looking through some of the things on particularly bad days, and she herself has also sifted through them when she was alone. Just to see what was in there.
Pictures. Clothes. Books. Make-up. And, eighty two letters.
Blair has not read those letters. She knows how much they had meant to Serena before and she knows nothing has changed. Reading those letters would be like betraying her best friend and she couldn't do that again. They still smell a lot like Serena, though after so long, the scent is somewhat stale and faded. Blair can remember it if she tries hard enough. She silently wonders just how often Nate has tried to remember Serena's scent - before cursing herself for letting her feel this way again.
It is times like this where Blair thinks of the other things she could be doing; like going to the cinema or an art gallery, going out to dinner with friends, spending weekends in the park with… with a Nate who loves her back.
She leans against the window and eyes her suitcase neatly perched on the top of the closet. It's so easy to pull it down, she thinks to herself, and all her belongings are close by. She could slip out before dinner is ready. She has thought of doing this several times before, and once or twice, even attempted it. This time, she tells herself as she slowly stands up and approaches the suitcase, she'll leave. She won't look at Nate and she won't agree to stay one more month. Within ten minutes her suitcase is full and she's gathering up the essentials. Five minutes after that, she has left the bedroom and the front door is in sight.
It must be fate or karma or something that makes Nate decide dinner is ready and calls her to the kitchen. Blair closes her eyes as he makes his way to her and cocks his head to the side. "You're leaving me?" He asks and the guilt from those three words is more than Blair can bear.
"I have to," she informs him for what seems the hundredth time – or were those numbers the conversations in her head?
"Why?" He crosses his arms and does that squinting thing. Blair bites her lip.
"Nate… it's just not working. If I have to spend another day here with you I'll go crazy."
"But I—" Blair holds up a hand and cuts him off.
"You don't love me."
"I do." He says like a child trying to convince his mother he didn't sneak a cookie before dinner – despite the crumbs and chocolate stains over his fingers.
Blair can feel the freedom of the outside slipping further away from her every second that she stands there talking to him. As she reaches for the doorknob, she can sense the panic as he searches for the words she needs to hear.
"I need you."
"But you don't want me."
The doorknob turns to the left a little and the door unlocks. It's not long now…
"Marry me."
Blair stops as the words fall out of Nate's mouth.
It's not romantic. There is no feeling in the words but despair. It seems hasty and almost a last ditch attempt for her to stay.
She knows this is not what she wants and this is not what she needs.
But for reasons she can't quite understand, she nods and says yesand the dreams of art galleries and walks in the park are now a distant memory.
It's the night of the engagement party and Blair is in the restroom. The woman of the evening is in a small cubicle staring down at her engagement ring. It should feel light and natural. But it's heavy and imprisoning. The large stone should sparkle brightly but it seems to barely wink at her.
She wonders whether this was supposed to be Serena's engagement ring. After the proposal, Nate seemed to hesitate before running to the bedroom and producing a slightly dusty box with the ring inside. Blair knows that if it was on Serena's slender finger, it would sparkle more to match her radiant smile.
She should be happy but instead she feels misplaced. Half of the guests in the hall know it should be Serena. And the other half wonder what Serena would make of it. Nobody believe in Nate and Blair, least of all Blair.
With a sigh, she decides that she's hidden enough and goes out to greet the crowd. Blair gives a smile to those who wish her well and shows the girls the ring which they expectedly fawn over.
Fakers.
Blair blushes as she realizes she's the biggest faker of all.
Chuck approaches her and gives her a hug. It's not congratulatory but it's to say thank you. Thank you for not ditching my best friend. Chuck owes Blair one.
"You okay?" he asks. Blair grins almost manically.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
He sees right through her.
"You don't have to do this." He reminds her.
"Yes I do." She replies. "But then again miracles happen, right?" She offers him a small smile before making an excuse and leaving.
"Blair!" Ann Archibald's voice calls from behind. She hugs her future daughter-in-law. "Congratulations again."
Blair politely thanks her and there is an awkward silence between the two women. Blair wonders what Ann is thinking of. Maybe she wishes it was Serena standing there instead.
"I'm so pleased you and Nate are together." Ann tells her, "You make a good couple."
Blair nods.
Yes, they make a good couple. But good is not perfect, and Blair knows they can never be perfect. Afterall, she has brown straight locks, not loose golden curls. And to put it more simply, her name was Blair, not Serena.
Suddenly Blair is staring at her reflection in a mirror on her wedding day.
She should be smiling, not frowning.
The guests have arrived, the cake is ready, the flowers match the décor, and the band is ready. And while Blair's attention should be on how beautiful she really looks on the supposedly happiest day of her life, it is drawn to the car park where a red car is parked.
She knows who it belongs to.
It is the car Serena always told Blair she'd buy one day, it was Serena's dream car. While most would be concerned at their fiancé's ex-girlfriend showing up uninvited to their wedding; Blair lets out a breath of relief.
Maybe miracles do happen.
It's twenty minutes later when the door opens and Blair holds her breath; but she already knows it won't be Serena. Instead Chuck allows himself in. "Is everything okay?" She asks expecting something – anything – to go wrong.
'Serena is back. She and Nate are getting back together. You're off the hook.'
Those words do not come out of his mouth.
"Just great," he gives her a forced smile. "Are you okay? It's not long now."
'Until the wedding or until I can go home?'
"I'm good." Blair feigns excitement and Chuck looks at her with a slightly pitiful expression.
"Well… I'll let you know." He nods and leaves her alone again. Blair's eyes never drift from the car park as she waits for a sign.
Thirteen minutes and thirty four seconds later a figure runs out of the church and across the car park to the car. It's Serena and she seems to have left in a hurry. Blair waits to see Nate follow but there is no-one to stop her. She wonders whether she should do it herself. What would the guests think if they saw the bride begging her best friend to save her from making a big mistake? Serena climbs into the car and cries as she hits her head several times against the steering wheel.
The question Blair was asking herself is now answered. By walking out, Serena has unknowingly sentenced the three of them to a lifetime of misery. And the wedding rings are the handcuffs.
Serena lifts her head from the steering wheel and wipes at her tears, catching a glimpse of Blair from the window.
The blonde shrugs and tries to smile back but the organ music pipes up loudly and she starts the engine.
Blair just saw the back of the car drive off when Ann knocked on the door and called Blair.
"We're ready."
She follows Ann obediently and stands in the wings as she waits.
The veil is lowered, the music swells, and the guests stand up in anticipation.
As Blair walks in, the crowd gasp and give the requisite 'oohs' and 'ahhs' as she begins her slow walk to her fate. Her eyes set on Nate and she realizes he doesn't smile.
In fact he is the coldest part of the room. By the time she reaches him at the altar, Blair has accepted her duty to both her best friend and the broken man in front of her.
The vows are mumbled and they plaster smiles onto their faces. He pushes the ring onto her finger, apologizing when it's a tight fit. Blair doesn't mind, she'd rather be numb than notice the pain that both of them are feeling.
Funnily enough, they are the most miserable ones in the church and it's their day.
Blair knows that she can't make Nate happy, but at least this way, he won't be so alone. As they walk outside of the church, a procession of happy, chattering people following in their wake, any outsider would easily notice the beautiful bride and the handsome groom. But, what they would fail to notice is the smiles on the (almost and nearly) perfect couple that failed to reach both their eyes.